Moving West, Moving On

The Confidence To Try

2011-10-18T11:00:00.001-07:00

I've always kind of been an "all or nothing" kind of gal. Especially when it comes to athletics. Historically if I only have 30 minutes to work out - I am more likely to drop the project than to take advantage of the 30 minutes that I have. Because in my mind, "if I don't have an hour, then its just not worth it." Wow. It's one thing to live with that kind of attitude and blindly exist in parallel with it, and then its quite another to hit that mindset head on and realize for the first time that it actually isn't authentic for you.

In college, running was my go to. Always excited to get out and run for an hour or two, and really used that time as my sanctuary. It allowed me to feel grounded to handle stress and unexpected changes in my life, and kept me physically feeling structured, confident, and energized. I didn't realize how much I leaned on it until life gave me a good dose of perspective.

I started to experience pretty significant knee pain, to the point of tears over the stabbing like feeling that just wouldn't seem to go away. This was a loaded bag - there was obviously the physical pain of it all and wrapping my head around actually how much Advil I could take safely, and then there was the emotional realization that my one method of release (obviously my own doing) was gone at least for the time being.

I went in and got an XRAY of my knee to find out that I had a severely inflamed IT band and that I should stay off of it for a few months. Great. Now this, in retrospect (as it always goes) a blessing - because it forced me to try other things, which sometimes let's face it - we need. What I appreciated more than anything else was finally - the world was providing for me, but the only way I was at the time allowing the world to provide for me was by physically not allowing me to stay in my current groove. Rigid much?

So what did this mean then...are you really telling me that I'm going to have to start working out on an elliptical? What I began to do, was become introspective - and learn my edge. I had absolutely reached my edge of rigidity. I was uncomfortable enough where I was set enough in my ways that I was unable to take my blinders off.

So I started biking. And cross training. And swimming. And who knew...I was happier. So for a few months, I proceeded along this course really mixing it up, enjoying new things, and feeling like I was in the beginning phases of dating...myself. I was being introduced to new parts of myself - and for the first time in a long time, I had trust.

So a couple of years later, I moved to Boulder - basically having not run for over 900 days. WEIRD for me. But I realized something even stranger about this whole process as I had lived in Boulder for about a year: I was afraid to run. I was afraid of that pain that I felt. And I was terrified that I would have to be off the exercise forever.

About 6 months ago, I went out for a 5 minute run. 5 minutes. I have always prided myself on being a daredevil. I was the first to try hangliding in my family, went skydiving, scuba dove at extreme depths, and never had a problem! I was TERRIFIED to run. After that 5 minute run, I was relieved. I thought about it, and hadn't realized until that moment how terrified I was to try to run again. Day after day, I would add a minute. Now I'm pain free and able to put in 10 miles no problem. It was a journey that process, but as my insight for the day: always have confidence to try.

The Bigger Picture

2011-10-04T09:17:00.001-07:00

I was having my way too infrequent meetup with one of my dearest friends on Sunday, and we got to the topic of really taking note of the bigger picture. It was so ironic that she had brought up this conversation, just her sharing her thoughts on what had happened in her life over the past year - and how it had or hadn't lined up with her intention, interest, and overall values. It was ironic because the couple of days before, I had really been in this space of feeling like I was missing MY bigger picture.

I feel like I am masterful at coming to the end of the week, having done basically exactly (with some exceptions) what I had done the previous week. Wake up, exercise, eat, work, eat, work, come home, do something fun but planned, bed, repeat. Not that any of that is bad by any means, it isn't what I try to communicate. But sometimes I feel like I get lost in my routine. It commands me and my energy in a pretty powerful way.

And I feel like my life ebbs and flows in a pretty habitual way as well with regards to seeing the bigger picture. I will live through my routine for an extended period of time, then there will be an event or conversation, such as the one I had on Sunday, where it will really come to my attention that I need to take a better look at the bigger picture. And then I will incorporate those elements into my day to day, really engaging with my overall desires and intentions for this life. Which are......?

Adventure, spontaneity, love, relationship, education, and enlightenment. Those elements are SO important to me - so how do I incorporate them? I get on my bike and explore trails that I've never been to in order to create adventure. I start saying "no" to invitations so that I can allow my night to be spontaneous. I hold a much higher intention to give my family/friends my 150% attention and energy and really communicate to them how much I care and love for them. I audit classes and attend lectures to stay educated and inspired. And I'm SO good at doing these.....for a period of time.

To me, the conversation that I had on Sunday was very important for me. Not only did I get to see one of my favorite women, but she keyed me into a part of myself that I didn't realize was so engrained. I am an excellent "big picture seeing and not seeing habitual offender." Meaning - I don't want to find myself looking back on my year wondering where it went. I want to look back on my year and see the elements that are so important to me being sprinkled all over my day like a caramel sea salt cupcake. How does one do that?

It is a promise to myself to live a big picture life. For it's the only one I've got.

The Cove

2011-09-27T18:38:00.001-07:00

I have a very dear friend, who obviously - shocker - is going to go nameless, who spends the majority of his days circling the world, videoing and exploring the world beneath the ocean's surface. He is one of my favorite people of all time. Why? For many reasons, but one is he does and lives his ultimate passions. I am secretly (not anymore) jealous of this way of life. One of the few experiences I have ever had where I felt completely removed and on my own and part of a whole new way of life was when I was scuba diving. From the moment you go beneath the surface, there is a beautiful silence. A silence like I wanted to stay forever.

So what comes up for me as I watch The Cove is basically the same sentiment that comes up in me when I watch another really compelling documentary: how have we gotten to this point in our world? How have we come to a place where we compromise so easily our own integrity for this so called "personal gain." To me these documentaries are so devastating at some point - because what I feel we follow are truly good people at heart, who slowly uncover years of tragic behavior. And as it is uncovered, the viewers are just these naive innocent bystanders who see it all compressed into 90 minutes of documented film. Documentaries to me are kind of strange in that particular way.

What blows my mind more than anything else, is how much energy people dedicate to inhumane treatment. And not just on other animals, but really on ourselves as well. I don't know, it baffles me - and what is revealed are years and years of people "working behind the scenes" and "staying deviant after hours" for what? It breaks my heart.

This movie is just another explanation of what I have always felt. And it goes back to the essence of human relationship as well: we are all in this together, and we owe it to each other to support and honor one another authentically, not break the rules for some preconceived personal gain that actually doesn't exist. We have completely missed the boat, and thank god for those who are willing to go out on limbs to risk their lives and reputations for what they believe to be true and right. I long for more people with that kind of bravery. For each one of you - how will you act bravely in your day to day? How will you fight for what is right, and how will you honor your own integrity?

For me...true expression of emotion in the moment that it is happening is my first step in the right direction :)

Emerging

2011-09-24T14:02:00.001-07:00

Since November 23, 2009 I haven't written...at least not in this way. And I feel like my life has gone through significant change. When I first began this blog, I was sitting in the kitchen of my mother's best friend's home who lives in Boulder, Utah. Ironically, I had just embarked on the journey of my life - my move to Boulder, CO. And I had no idea what the next 4 years (up until this time) was going to hold for me. All I knew is that "for the next four seasons, I was bound to make Boulder work." Since that time, I have undergone extreme joys and sorrows, I have completed a Masters education in Counseling Psychology, I have met incredible people, I have learned new sports and uncovered thousands of layers of my being. I feel humbled and deeply grateful for the life that I have and the people that have been in the trenches with me.

For the last two years, I have been absorbed by life. My main reason for stopping writing, as many writers have experienced, was due to a "lack of inspiration." Now for me, it's easy to call it a lack of inspiration. But what I really mean is, other things started getting more of my attention, my energy, and my interest. And all of my ideas and thoughts, feelings and emotions were being kept inside of me - sometimes released in conversation with others, but there is nothing like the raw honesty of writing. And in the past few months, and actually ironically today, the message to "start writing again" have come to me. They have always been there now that I look back in retrospect, but now I am starting to pay more attention. My move to Boulder, CO was when my blinders came off - and in regards to my writing, somehow that blinders got put back on. But now they come off again, and I'm ready. I have emerged from another place to continue to express this part of myself.

There is so much to say I find, and it doesn't all need to be said here. I want to continue to express my experiences with others, share what I'm going through and what I'm learning. Because this life is a daily evolution and I am thrilled that the energy is there again for me to start to write. When I think about change, I think that humans are fabulous at handling predicted change. We have it nailed for the change in our life that we create. But where I think there is room for improvement, in my experience obviously is the change that we don't anticipate. I used to wear this necklace every day (for about 5 years) that said "I want to be forever the me that greets change with open arms and heart." Game on.

All I want to say is thank you. I am thankful for the break from writing and excited for the connection back to it. I am thankful for the people who have encouraged me to start back up. I do have much to share and am committed to sharing more.

opening the wound

2009-11-23T20:00:00.000-08:00

It as just as I learned in nursing school: in order to ensure a clean wound, you must acknowledge the source, open it, dig through it, remove debris, clean it, close it, and allow it to heal. I have found that the same applies for emotional pain. Through experiences and my time as a student in Counseling Psychology, I have learned the hard way that traditional healing of the wound does not work in the "default" methods that we have become so accustomed to. Sometimes it takes more than a band-aid to really prevent infection and long term damage.

In mental health especially, I have gained an awareness that we are a band-aid oriented culture in the sense that we are so eager to mask symptoms with medication just in order to supposedly integrate them into "normal" behavior. Unfortunately, just as with physical wounds, emotional wounds can create a bigger problem when merely covered with a prescription.

What it does, is forces individuals to rely on a pill a day in order to redistribute biochemical transmitters within the brain so that the balance is in place. However, with time, infection will continue to grow until it is seemingly out of control. Because all that the medication will do is cover up the problem underneath, and will prevent an individual from acknowledging that inner struggle, because for all they know, they are feeling better.

With true emotional healing, the wound at its source must be identified. Once it is named and its origin is understood, then the real work can begin. I am eager to discover how much a person can process through unpleasant experiences and emotions without anything other than conversation. I believe in my heart that we can get farther than we believe we can. This "debriedment" of sorts, when working through emotional turmoil can be extremely painful, just as is the cleaning out of a physical wound, however its power is undeniable.

With that initial painful re-entry back into the source of the hurt, you can really make efforts to moving through it. How is it that we have missed this vital component within the realm of health care? In my nursing school experience in the psychiatric unit, so much of the real humanistic interaction was lost, because patients were sedated as a side effect of their medications.

There is so much fear in the symptoms that surround mental health disturbance, that health care professionals are so eager to have them eradicated that they allow this to cloud over the emphasis on conversation. I have found that so much of what patients want is to be heard and normalized, and when they are merely handed a prescription as a result of admitting to a list of symptoms, their feeling of importance is lost.

I believe that it is my responsibility as a rising mental health professional to make sure that above all else, I realize the power of conversation and the importance of allowing my clients to feel heard and supported. Of course there are always circumstances where western modalities are necessary, I just won't be quick to take that road.

24 has a whole new meaning.

2009-11-19T07:00:00.000-08:00

Eve,

I truly can't believe it. I remember where I was and how I felt as I wrote you your last birthday card. I was devastated, crushed, confused, scared...Didn't know what to write until I just relaxed, listened to my sadness, started typing, and all of a sudden I was finished. I want to remember today only with elation as I have for years, but instead am left with an intertwining element of grief. It threads its way through the memories of childhood parties and young blossoming friendships, and I find that I can only maintain my smile for a moment.

I think of you constantly darling friend. You are so much a part of the memories that I have made and am still forming in my life. It is amazing how I feel you, your rich beauty and luscious presence are everywhere in my day. As I sit here with a heavy heart, I find myself grateful that I got 23 years with you and that for my entire life, you have illuminated me.

I have learned acceptance for the fact that I cannot celebrate with you today in person. I have understood that on your birthday now I set aside a portion of my day for just you and me. I venture off alone to the most beautiful places in Boulder so that I can remember and be with you all for myself. I will today find that spot in Boulder, and as my tradition goes, I will scream with joy and pain for you. I will scream for the gifts you have given me, and will scream for the absence of your glow.

Your spirit coarses through me. Just two weekends ago I was in the mountains for an all day workshop with horses and as I stood there in the midst of this beautiful valley with the trees tall and the flawless bluebird sky, it began to snow. I was shocked surprised, and do you want to know what first came to my mind? YOU. I felt you Eve, and I wept as the snow fell all around me. Like I said, your spirit is everywhere.

I dream of you most nights darling friend. I see you in your pajamas on top of a coffee table dancing and singing your heart out. I see you inviting me on an adventure where we will learn great things and build beautiful memories. I see your long beautiful blonde hair, and your oh so classic fashion sense. I see your arms opened wide so that I can have that famous Eve hug. I am thankful to my core that I never see you hurting or sad in my dreams, never see you longing or grieving. I only see you as I experienced you.

I need to tell you something. Since your death, I live fully. For me but because of you, I live fully. You did live each day as it was your last, you did give people the REAL you every moment. One thing I will always admire about you darling bird is your capacity for feeling and not being afraid. Your contentment for what you were experiencing (painful or painless) and your ability to express it used to attract me, and now they are me.

I don't just think that you are ok wherever you are. I feel you are ok. In every step that I take I know you are being provided for and supported. If I could do anything to have you back for one more second I would, but I will settle for the assurance that my bluebird is somewhere safe and flying free.

The happiest of birthdays to you my darling bird. I will think of you always, but especially hard on this day.

With oceans and oceans of love,

Greer

so much to do, so little time

2009-09-30T10:27:00.000-07:00

Spreading myself too thin yes is an ongoing theme in my life, and I know that I have both talked and blogged about it, but it is something that I struggle with. It is so interesting, because I was in class the other day, and a classmate of mine was expressing frustration over the same dilemma. He was talking about being a teacher, going to school, and being a husband and father, and how he was being encouraged by the people around him to let go of a few outside of school obligations, so that the academic environment and home life weren't so stressful.

He was expressing conflict because he didn't really want to do this. Well, it wasn't necessarily that he didn't want to, deep down I think that he really did, but was terrified of what it meant to let something go. In his mind it meant that he was going to have to tell somebody "no" and as far as he was concerned, that meant he wasn't as responsible as he could be, and wasn't being as accountable as he could be. And it is amazing, because I was listening to him speak, realizing that for the past year(+) I have struggled with this very thing.

I find myself thriving on being busy. I love having my time filled with things that I love doing which include both school and work, and also mean spending time with my boyfriend, friends, and most importantly - just myself. It isn't a balance that I think comes seamlessly, and I think it is dangerous for us as people to realize a place that we are in life, realize we want to change, and find ourselves so eager to be in a new place. When we carry on this mentality, we forget that to get somewhere, you must go through a process, and that in that process there must be a lot of self care. There must be a level of self awareness that will guide you easily along the road of transformation.

These negative tendencies and habits feel seemingly out of our control, and sometimes I find myself blaming these actions on "habits that are so deeply enmeshed that they are out of control" when really I always have a choice of how to act. That is a remarkable realization that I came to, in that with every point in my life, I have a choice of how I want to behave. Habitual or not, each action is a result of a conscious decision. And for that reason, the habits can be broken.

I feel very strongly though in the idea that we must take care of our own needs when struggling. We must understand that change can be painful, and that it is essential for us to recognize when we don't need to push so hard, or in fact when we need to push harder.

It all goes back to this illusion of control. I feel like the rigidity in the schedule, the impatience, the selfishness, the ignorance, etc are all manifestations of a need for control. And so breaking these habits is in a way surrendering to the feelings of being out of control for a period of time. And so it shouldn't be done as quickly as ripping off of a band-aid. Take it off, a little piece at a time, make sure that you are okay through the process.

groundless

2009-09-22T19:34:00.000-07:00

We are learning in class how we have "identities based on contraction." The basic premise behind this is how we come to a point of self actualization in our lives, and are curious about why/how it comes when it comes. We see ourselves as changing beings and don't understand how we got here but are so appreciative that it is present. In this process as well, there is an opportunity to reflect on our live before, and how we have shed this old skin and have grown a beautiful and different new layer of protection.

When I reflected, I saw in myself this presence of an identity based on contraction. And when I say that, it doesn't necessarily mean that my muscles were constantly tensed and I was never relaxed, but it is more a sense of emotional contraction. As we are raised, we are influenced by a myriad of expectation and obligation. We are taught the basic premise of "right and wrong" and what is appropriate and what is inappropriate. We are very rarely ever taught from day 1 to form our own values and beliefs. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, because we cling very dearly to our parents for a sense of guidance. How else would we navigate our way through life if we didn't have authority figures and role models to learn from?

However, I feel like there is a glitch in the system, because so many people find themselves well into adulthood without a basic sense of their own morals, but yet they have traveled along this path of life with the ideals of influence. This is where the sense of contraction comes in, where has our sense of identity gone? Where do we fit into this huge mix?

The interesting thing about our identity is this: it is groundless. Every day our identity is changing, there are different things that we are learning, different morals and values that we are adopting as our own, and in no way is our identity constant. That is something we need to become comfortable with. This identity based on contraction only comes from a place of unawareness, and it is up to us to determine where we do fit, and what does resonate as real for us.

small gestures

2009-09-19T13:45:00.001-07:00

Those small unexpected gestures: a treat on my doorstep, someone working a stand at the farmers market giving away their product, random texts of love and appreciation, flowers on the table at home, etc...

These are small gestures that I have been finding popping up all over in my life recently. These seemingly small notes of kindness have seeped their way into my day and I find myself at times with this adrenaline high of gratitude.

I am surrounded by people who give endlessly, and who use what they have and use what they love and express that to those they appreciate in their life. I want to acknowledge those gestures as being at the heart of love. I know that in my life it is very easy to lose sight of what those gestures mean, and I become preoccupied with my own sense of obligation, expectation for myself, and don't extend myself in the ways of human relationship.

What do these gestures do for me? They set a standard. They raise a bar. They provide awareness. They allow me to see that at the end of the day, it isn't just about how I survive and prosper and get through my day, it is about how I show up for myself and for others. It allows me to see that the beauty of humans is our ability to be givers and receivers. And I know that people don't give only with the intention of getting in return (for the most part), but that true givers extend themselves because they have such appreciation for the act of extension.

Sometimes giving like that is scary though - I feel as though I am a giver. I thrive on knowing that I can take care of others, I feel like I extend myself beyond reaches at times because I want the people around me to know how I feel. I want there to be mutual love between myself and friends, and when that falls short, it is an incredibly lonely feeling. I have been in friendships and romantic relationships where the other party involved was a receiver and didn't understand the power of giving on that kind of a level. And I found myself feeling unappreciated and unsupported.

Now this isn't to say that I give for the wrong reasons, but when you find yourself constantly giving and giving with someone and not receiving any kind of mutual love and respect in return, it can be saddening. The sadness though comes from a place of longing for that person to understand the beauty of small gestures. Those small gestures make a BIG impression.

Just last night, I was meeting three friends with whom I have a long history. And they brought along a friend of theirs who I had never met, and we all enjoyed food and drinks, and as the check was being brought, she said simply to me "I don't know you really at all, but let me get your dinner." And it was one of those moments in my life where suddenly it all became clear: the giving element of a person's being not with the intention of receiving is the most beautiful trait of all.

It gives me the energy to give and give. It allows me to truly appreciate my friends and the people around me, and forces me to acknowledge that it is the simple gifts and gestures in this life that make us feel loved, appreciated, and supported.

the "reds"

2009-09-09T18:39:00.001-07:00

So many individuals around me are suffering. It seems like on a daily basis I am confronted by people that I love who are being tested by the storms that are part of life.

These storms are also called the "reds." They are the dangerous and challenging spots, they are those periods of our lives where are physical or emotionally being are hurt. It is difficult in the midst of the reds to see beyond them. Sometimes it is otherwise impossible.

A very dear friend of mine has suffered a deep deep red for the past two years. Surrounded by death and unreliability in romantic partners, she is left completely broken by the unpredictability of life. She is unable at this point to see good in her day. She doesn't know what to do at this point, and doesn't see a light at the end of her tunnel. All she can see is the dark passageway that she seems to be blindly navigating through. Life for her is about struggling to be above the surface of the water while not really knowing how to swim, as opposed to freely floating with an ease in the stroke.

The reds can come in many forms. They can manifest as tragedy, death around you, personal attack on character, inability to achieve goals, etc...Their only determinant of being a red is in providing an opportunity for an individual to learn a lesson, but in a seemingly difficult way. More often then not, they provoke sadness, anxiety, distrust, fear, and questioning.

In my life, I understand the reds. Nursing school for me seemed like one big red. Day after day, my tests were relentless and my sadness seemed unshakable. I found my reliability on trust and faith to be waning, and I felt very insecure in my ability to really live. I was scared to proceed on with myself "as I used to be" because there was so much fear that I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. There wasn't trust in my day.

Then after nursing school, and after graduation I was able to see light at the end of my tunnel. For the first time in several years, my days felt authentic. And then I suffered a string of tragedy last year that seemed to take me back to those distrustful days. That was terrifying for me, because all I wanted was to have faith. All I wanted was a life filled with lessons that didn't seem to rock me to my core.

And only on retrospect am I able to see that the reds do come and go. As do storms. And it is up to us as humans to whether that storm, not just for the sake of "getting through" but learning lessons along the way. As a storm rolls around, we as people have an innate sense and faith that the storm will pass. However with the reds of life, sometimes we don't have that trust.

Why is this do you think? There is something beautiful in the reliability of an actual storm. It is guaranteed that it won't always be lightening and down pouring rain. However, when life beats us to the ground time and time again, we then lose that faith that it will pass.

All I can do right now is think of the reds as a physical storm. I must have the sense in myself and in the world around me that there are always going to be lessons to be learned. The same way I would not want a physical storm to take my life, I can't let the reds either. I have to take the red and turn it into gold.

never been said

2009-09-01T10:00:00.000-07:00

The courage it takes to admit something out loud that you have never said before. I saw this happen and it struck me like very little has in a long time. There are so many emotions that fly around within people (fears whether they are irrational/rational, frustrations, judgments) but so many people exist in environments where these emotions are terrifying or embarrassing to admit.

When I was in nursing school, I was incredibly lonely. I was surrounded by people, and great people at that. I was engaged with my peers and my teachers and was baffled as to how I could feel alone. I was under the impression that loneliness only stemmed from maintaining a solitary life, where there were never people. I equated physical aloneness with loneliness. And it wasn't until I actually felt lonely that I was able to see how the two do not go hand in hand.

I proceeded on for about a year, feeling desperately sad. Not just sad because I felt alone, but sad because of what I felt it meant to be lonely. I was so tied to the negative connotations that being lonely included and therefore marinated in its fire for a significant period of time.

Slowly, I began to journal. I started to write down on a superficial level what my days consisted of. Even at that point, writing down emotional states of mind that seemed negative or stormy for me were not included for I was afraid of that kind of vulnerability. It took me six months to be able to write the words "I am lonely." And it may seem insignificant to others, but that accomplishment for me was a breakthrough of an enormous fear.

In school for counseling psychology, I am challenged every day to work through fears of my own and emotional struggles that I carry. And I have done a great deal of work around them. In my fellow classmates, I have watched people verbalize demons that have been imprisoned within their heart's walls their entire life with no chance for escape. It is the feat of a lifetime to face that fear of vulnerability and stare it down.

For me, it has been my savior. My ability to admit my own fallacies has made me more human not just to myself but to others. Every avoidance of it, ignorance of it is just an attempt and a protective defense that we as humans so conveniently lean on as a way of not hurting. It seems logical but in the long run will prevent authenticity. Speak your fears and own them for they will facilitate stronger heart and mind.

present body absent mind

2009-08-29T20:32:00.001-07:00

I am back!

It has been a long and relaxing summer and there hasn't been a ton of opportunity for me to write. I have really appreciated the joy and release that writing this blog has brought me, but I have also really loved the break from the need to consistently be processing my life on an emotional level.

And here I am now, coming to the end of the summer and realizing that my life as a student has resumed. I have begun again to spend two heavy days a week (and 5 moderate days a week) saturated in the work of counseling psychology and understanding the power of the human mind and body.

And I appreciate the work so much. For the first day of school, I found that my body was present, but my emotional/psychological/mental commitment to what I was doing wasn't. I thought I was there and really wasn't AT AL and understand how incredibly good humans are at programming themselves on autopilot.

I find myself doing it frequently throughout the day, and I think many people do. Waking up, doing the morning routine, going to work/school, taking breaks, engaging in small talk, coming home, eating, socializing, bed, repeat. It is amazing how many days can pass before we look back and realize that much of our existence has been on autopilot.

In one particular class on Thursday, a professor of mine was watching me engage in another student through an exercise, and he picked up on my present body and absent mind. He verbalized it in front of my other group exercise members, and immediately I was embarrassed.

Embarrassed for my skillful tact in maintaining a "distance" from everyone around me, embarrassed that my classmates had seen this false thread in me, embarrassed that my teacher didn't think I was real, etc. I became immediately defensive, and then gradually submissive to my masked impression.

Then, I came to. I was finally present. My attention was fully on the present moment, and I hadn't felt so real in a long time. Since then, I have been present. I have found the beauty of autopilot and our ability as humans to turn on a protective barrier surrounding us from the harsh physical/emotional realities, and then find such sanctity in having no barrier at all.

knowing my duty

2009-07-28T09:54:00.001-07:00

I say yes sometimes to things for selfish reasons. I agree to extra work, babysitting, and in this particular case, dog sitting sometimes for reasons that would only benefit myself...like extra money.

This tendency of mine became abundantly clear in the last week when I agreed to house sit/dog sit for a dear family that I know here in Boulder. They have a dog who I was instructed "to not take around other dogs" because historically she hasn't maintained the most polite of manners. I took this into consideration yes, but as the week went on found myself eager to bend the rules slightly, for how harmful could things really be?

As my mother came into town for a visit from Georgia, we were standing in the kitchen of my own home with my new dog for the week and two other golden retrievers who live with me. For about thirty minutes we were all standing around as the dogs co-mingled in the kitchen, and about twenty minutes into their time together, things turned dark pretty quickly.

All of a sudden the dog under my care snapped and she and one of the golden retrievers were in a genuine brawl. It took about five seconds for me to intervene, as I grabbed the dog by the harness and removed her forcefully onto the back porch. Fearful of what might have happened to the golden retriever, I immediately scanned the dog's body for wounds. Seeing nothing, I was immediately relieved. Until I walked out to the back porch to discover blood coming from the dog I was sitting, I filled with fear.

The dog was pretty badly wounded, but after an emotional conversation and hard pressure held to the wounds for quite some time, I realized something...I was taking only myself into consideration the whole time I had been house sitting and dog sitting. I tried to take short cuts and not really adhere to the dog's needs and found that this pattern of behavior needed to stop.

I was frozen in my behavior, and am seeing now the importance of thinking before accepting a proposition. And if the proposition is accepted, it should be done with full responsibility, dedication, and appreciation for all parties involved. It was an eye opener for sure.

fearing judgement

2009-07-21T14:40:00.001-07:00

I had a really amazing conversation with this morning with a good friend of mine on the subject of judgment. My entire adult life I have coursed through my day with a sense of optimism, almost to a fault, of the people around me. I have been stepped on and manipulated and maintained a good natured sense of the perpetrators. I have absolutely been unable to let myself form judgments on others, no matter how I had been hurt or taken advantage of.

I realized this morning that so much of the reason I did this was because I was afraid of forming judgments. When I would be hurt by someone else, I would almost take it on myself and somehow create a wrong that I had made in the situation, and still keeping a positive image of my contemporary.

I would hate it when other people would make judgments of those around them and would conclude in my mind that those negative mind traps were dangerous and un-necessary in life. This morning, my view changed. I was finally able to see after such a long period of time that judgments sometimes are sources of strength and liberation. They have finally allowed me to acknowledge and understand that people's negative behavior toward me isn't something I am doing. It originates in a deep seeded insecurity that lies at the core of the soul.

Finally I have perspective here. And I am able to see two things: 1) I am not at fault when people's insecurities are expressed through negative behavior, and 2) having accurately formed judgments are an opportunity for me to indulge in self care. Now I am able to protect myself and am fully resisting the temptation to give into the fear of judgment and its meaning.

For so so long I have felt guilty when judgments arose and have avoided them as though they were toxic. I assumed that the presence of judgment represented the presence of a superficial soul. I always looked so deep to the good of EVERYONE that I missed the actual selfish natures that were around me.

It is a tough balance to strike however. Knowing when judgments are appropriate and when they are dangerous. It is good to know yourself well enough that they are only to be acted on when in thorough communication with the other person, and that the judgment isn't out of turn or due to misguided information. I have to find that balance in myself know. I must know when people are being true versus trying to play a role that isn't natural. I must keep my eyes open to my needs and be able to express them when necessary.

All in all though, judgments aren't to be feared, they are to be acknowledged and incorporated into nature of humans.

the power of community

2009-07-12T09:47:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was the memorial for three men: Micah Wade, Jonny Copp, and Wade Johnson who all were prominent figures in both the Boulder and international climbing community. I personally knew Jonny and Micah well, but interestingly never understood the bounds they had overcome as climbers until being notified of their deaths. Those men had their passions in perspective. I love that I didn't know their worlds outside of "great friends who lived in Boulder with me."

The memorials held yesterday were a tribute not just to the men and their lives but was a testament to the power of community. Over 800 people gathered yesterday at Boulder Theatre to remember and celebrate the men. It was truly incredible to go to this function alone and really be able to observe everyone who was there. Tons of family members of each of the men were in attendance and Jonny, Micah, and Wade's parents came up and spoke.

From the first moment, the community rallied around the event. Blank books for writing, tea candles, tibetan flags, and photos adorned the entrance way to the memorial, and from moment one you felt like you were in the presence of true love and support.

For three hours, there were slideshows and speeches, and an audience that would have stayed all day. There were tears and cheers, and entry ways into the lives of the three men before they were ambassadors of the outdoors.

Following was a barbeque which drew in about 100 people. And honestly for the entire day I was blown away by the unfailing support. The power of community is so strong, and in my opinion is one of the few gifts that we have. It is undeniable that the trust and presence of those around the fallen have kept those closest to the men strong. And I am proud to say that I live in a town where the response to a call of need is quick and genuine and profound.

holding off

2009-07-09T08:38:00.000-07:00

I see it in myself, I see it in my friends, and I see it in a lot of people around me. It is one thing for people to recognize and understand their own loves and passions, but there sometimes seems to be such a difficult transition between acknowledging them and actually tapping into them.

Most prominent in my life and I am thinking most easily held off for "another time, maybe a better time" is travel. I have such a love for new places and new experiences. I thrive on meeting new people and understanding new cultures. And in my life, I have been so fortunate to travel to incredible places. However since I have branched off from my life in Georgia and explored the western half of the country with my move to Boulder, I have really begun to understand just how much beauty there is in the world and even more so within the country.

However, I do find myself having all of these ambitions to travel and see exotic things, I have compiled a list of all of the things I want to do and experience, but am not actually letting them happen. I am letting "life" get in the way and am keeping practicality stand in the way of embarking on my adventures.

And I am scared by this fact. I have been wanting extensive travel for many years, and now I find myself at 24 wondering why I haven't done it yet. I have said no to the extreme spontaneity for the sole purpose of "it just isn't the right time now," or "I can't take off work," or "It is too much money." But at the end of my life, I don't want to have regrets, and I don't want to be hard on myself for holding off.

I have acknowledged my love for travel, and have taken the opportunity to embark on small road trips, camping trips, and day ventures, but I want to do more and see more. I feel that it is so crucial to know ourselves well enough to understand what moves us inside, but it is even more important to act on it. If you have the urges to travel, make it happen.

gaining ground

2009-06-29T13:07:00.000-07:00

In true summer form, I am taking my time with the blogging this summer. I am learning a ton and really discovering new parts of myself each day (shocker), but when I sit down to blog I look out my window to see the flatirons behind me and a bluebird sky, and I am drawn to the out of doors. I knew all of you would understand.

I am finally standing up for what I need and want, and not what others need/want, and not allowing naivete from lack of experience allow people to walk over me. With one particular circumstance in particular, I have been trampled on, and in the midst of a pretty convincing poker face by the other person, have seen opportunities that I have not taken to do what I needed to do for me.

I have been scared of it, and allowing myself to be blinded by being treated like a queen, taken on amazing adventures, out to beautiful meals, and really not been able to see what my needs are because of this. Interestingly though, even when I did discover what was happening and was able to understand my behavior and really what I was doing, I was saddened and frustrated.

I was saddened because I couldn't believe that I could let a situation escalate so far, to bring me to a point where I have broken down. I was frustrated at my behavior. In my life I have been here before. I have had a tendency to not play close attention to exactly what my needs were/are. I have been a consistent giver, so keen on helping others, so in need of taking care of those around me but never fully with myself.

So here I am with this awareness but still progressing forward as though my needs aren't a consideration. What exactly am I afraid of? And I was able to tangibly bring it down to a few things, and realized that my needs so severely outweighed what I felt I was getting out of the situation.

Therefore, I choose to allow my needs to dominate and I stand my ground. It wasn't easy, I even hesitated in communicating this to the other person, which again was frustrating. But it isn't an easy process, and once again I realize that lessons learned don't come seamlessly and don't come without difficulty. So I approach this one, with softness on my edge and patience in myself. Standing your ground isn't always the easiest option, but it is the most important. Don't back down on who you are, it is important as are your needs.

The wonder of time

2009-06-23T14:04:00.001-07:00

I feel like I have been beginning most of my blogs lately with an apology because I haven't been writing. I find myself at times feeling guilty for not writing, because I know that there are things that need to be released, but I have been so busy lately...that my blog seems to have been what has been left out of the mix. Unfortunately, it has taken its toll on me, and there are moments when I feel saturated and in need of expression. So here I am :-)

Timing...It is a compelling phenomenon to consider, due to the fact that whenever bad things happen to people, they constantly say "bad timing..." and vice versa when great things happen. We aren't of the awareness that the timing of events could be in fact greatly linked to the prospect of lesson learning and opportunities to gain insight into experiences.

For myself, and as I look back on last year and all that it entailed, or every single time that I find myself tested by the world and feeling like there are speed bumps everywhere around me in my life, I think of it as "bad timing." I review the mentality over in my mind of, when it rains it pours, and almost find myself feeling like the victim to the world's power.

But as I reflect further, I consider a dear friend of mine who has found herself in a dilemma. She is on the verge of losing a family member while studying very hard for an important exam in her life, an exam that will determine her career. She already felt preoccupied by the demands placed on her academically, and when this emotional component was added into her mix, she found herself saying "bad timing, or is it the worst?" When I am determined to look at it from another point of view.

I see her position here and immediately hope that she can as soon as possible see this as a chance that the world is giving her. It isn't bad timing, for I don't necessarily think bad timing exists. I think of events occurring as more of a consistent opportunity for learning. They are seeds embedded in our bodies and minds to potentially allow us to gain perspective and stop living a life that is focused so inward.

So for myself, when I feel overwhelmed by negative experience and feel like I keep being bombarded by life's tragedy, I consider that it might be just another lesson and it eases the initial impulse of selfish thinking.

integrity

2009-06-10T12:08:00.000-07:00

In my experiences and even more so with recent situations, I have discovered the importance of integrity. Staying true to your honor, upholding your highest sense of self, telling the truth, behaving with dignity, all of these attributes that were embedded in our lives even as young children are just as applicable now as they were then.

It is amazing to me how these simple lessons, learning to tell the truth, learning to say please and thank you, learning respect, learning to listen, understanding the importance of "quiet time" all have such a substantial role in my life today. It is critical to pay attention to those lessons early on, but as we all know most children have one ear on the parent and one ear on a million other distractions.

But most recently I have found in my life the value of integrity. I have had people behave poorly toward me, expressing concern regarding qualities of my own and concerns about my nature that have damaged me. They have made me question my worth. I have had dear friends approach me with hurtful words and have found myself taking them to heart and absorbing them as though they were personal attacks on me and my character.

I have in the past forgotten in the heat of the moment that one overpowering and sustaining gift that I have is my integrity. It is the lock and key into my soul that no matter what happens, there was honor from my end.

This in no way underestimates the presence of lessons learned in the meantime. There can be mistakes made and lessons learned while still maintaining integrity. I have discovered in my own process that the intention is behind so much of what integrity is and stands for. If in my choices there is honor and truth, then I have integrity.

If there is integrity, then there is no backtracking and swirling clouds when negativity comes into my path. If there are harsh words exchanged and hurtful comments made in my direction, my integrity should keep me on my path, instead of hurdle me in a tail spin out of control. It is important to gain awareness of your own integrity, and if you feel like it is in question, examine the possible reasons why and try and understand where it can be reinstated.

Integrity is what keeps us grounded in who we are and what we stand for. It keeps me on my feet and allows me to move through this life being appreciate of who I am, respectful of my nature, and humbled through the learning of lessons.

my friends...

2009-06-07T09:25:00.001-07:00

You think of those people in your life who have nothing and give everything, who love the idea of service and progress through their day with a passion and respect for life and the people in it. There are only a handful of people in my life that I can safely say fit into this category. I have had the pleasure of knowing two of these three men in the picture, Micah Dash on the left and Jonny Copp in the center are dear friends of mine here in Boulder, CO.

Both incredible alpine climbers, Micah represented Mountain Hardwear and Copp Patagonia, and they scaled the most magnificent peaks in the world. They were driven yes by the adrenaline rush that accompanies sitting on top of the world, but also thrived on the simplicity of friends, family and community.

Today the news released that one of the climber was found and positively identified as Jonny Copp, who is a well respected and admired figure here in Boulder and all over the world. Each of my interactions with him further magnified his love of his life and the world around him. In everything he did, it was with everything he had. An incredible role model and source of appreciation for me.

As for Micah and Wade, the other two climbers who are still missing, I am smiling but also feel saddened. Smiling because those men were doing what they loved, smiling because they were in their element pursuing their love of climbing. I am saddened for those they left behind, the family members and partners, the friends and the community. I feel supported by the outflow of support and feel nurtured by the attention drawn to the search cause.

I am in remembrance today. Today I appreciate life. Today I smile in their memory.

slow to forget but quick to forgive

2009-06-04T20:40:00.000-07:00

I have learned a bit about myself over the last couple of days. Through an experience with a friend, I have understood that I play the devil's advocate quite a bit. For better or worse, I am inclined toward placing myself in the shoes of another to understand motivation for action.

I genuinely feel that if I am unable to place myself in the mind and body of my opposition, then I see it as selfish. And of course this is circumstantial, for I have never been hurt to the extent that I was unable to forgive, but I believe that it is our duty as human beings in this world to provide second chances. And yes, some actions are unforgivable. And yes there are moments right before wrong is done and harm is committed where the tides could have turned, for everyone chooses their path. But there are also times when those few precious moments don't seem available.

I read in one of my chapters for class that so much of the wrong in this world is originated in human beings who have a disconnect between their own mind and body. People find themselves so engulfed in charged emotion that they are unable to identify what their needs are. They are so in a place of habit and influence that they don't understand that they have a choice. Everyone always has a choice.

And while people have a choice whether or not to behave poorly and selfishly, on the reverse we have a choice to forgive or not. Forgiving doesn't equate surrender, and forgiving doesn't parallel forgetting. Forgiving to me expresses an awareness that we are all human.

I was hurt very badly by someone recently, and I was tested and challenged and forced to make some decisions that were difficult. But throughout it all, I thought before I acted. I calculated what was the best thing for everyone in the situation, and I didn't ever believe that my forgiveness or avoidance only benefited myself.

I am quick to forgive, I am a realistic optimist. I find myself having a very logical head on my shoulders, with a tint of "assuming the best in everybody." If someone hurts me, I search for reasons as to why and assume that they were fearful for something in their life and their negative behavior was that fear's manifestation. And if I can discover it, I can forgive it. We were not put on this earth to interact seamlessly. We were meant to learn and gain from one another. And what good does it do me to be unforgiving? Would I want someone to reject my apology?

I maintain the fact that while I am quick to forgive, I am slow to forget. I take to heart people's actions and I always remember them. If they are repeated, then I am slower to forgive. But second chances are deserved in this life, especially if a lesson is learned.

ok i'm back...

2009-06-02T11:28:00.001-07:00

That didn't take long did it? This has been a strange few weeks, and perhaps that is why I have found myself unable to write. Mainly it has been a swarm of clouds that have all been hovering above me. Some silver lined, some with golf ball size hail. Overall, I have found myself feeling dominated from a myriad of points.

In a nutshell, I don't really feel like I've been myself. I let money get to me, and over the course of the past month or so, I have found that my job situation has been less than stable. Bouncing from work environment to work environment, I feel like there is a constant preoccupation with work. And I am hating it. I am over the economy, I feel suddenly like I am just a buoy that is cast out in the middle of the ocean with no anchor sometimes. And over the past few months getting laid off twice hasn't helped the cause. It has weighed on my happiness.

When I realize that it gets to me, I get down on myself. Asking internal questions such as "Why are you letting it get to you like this?" And repeating things over in my mind such as "You shouldn't let it get to you," "You are above this," "Stay in perspective." And while I think all of those mantras can be beneficial, when they are forced into my mind, I just find myself more upset and frustrated that this is even an issue. Aren't emotions weave an unbelievable web of mischief?

I want to be honest with this blog, because I have found over this period of time that it is a source of comfort for me. I can be myself here fully and disclose everything. I believe that it is important for each person to have their own container for authenticity, a place to share the truest inner sense of being. I can't wait to feel like myself again. And if the job is unstable and it bothers me, let it. There is something clearly that I'm afraid of, but when I understand fully that fear and realize that my life actually isn't in any kind of harm, it will soften, but I must know that patience is the way to progress.

And I can wait, knowing that each day provides lessons.

until...

2009-06-01T16:19:00.001-07:00

I am taking a break from my blog...not saying that I'm not learning tons, but I feel I just need space from it. Will write again, don't worry! Love to everyone.

pushing through pain

2009-05-26T09:38:00.001-07:00

Example of pain for me: running on pavement. There is nothing for me like running on pavement that will send pain through my body. It more so than really anything else (except filing...but that is more of an emotional pain that physical) will send me in physical distress.

So when the Bolder Boulder (a hometown 10K tradition that is about 30 years old) came around this Memorial Day, I found myself so eager and excited to run that I completely forgot that my knees don't necessarily love it as much.

So about 10 minutes into the race, I began to hurt so badly. And it was a pain that was shooting in my knees that felt so deep that I almost had to quit. But didn't. And I thought about this throughout the entire race..."Why is it that I am continuing to run through this pain?" I thought to myself all of the reasons why and came up with a pretty minimal list: competition with myself, determination to not quit, habitual pattern to push myself beyond my capabilities, and unfamiliarity with my own boundaries.

All of the reasons that I came up with weren't necessarily pleasant to confront. But through the entire race, I was able to understand and acknowledge that I push myself through pain more than I would like to admit.

I realize that I am scared of deviations from my mainstream norm, I don't want to disrupt my own schedule and routine. I have guarded myself from feeling these kinds of anxieties surrounding this for so long and now finally I am encouraged and motivated to face them.

It isn't comfortable knowing however that for a majority of my life I have self guarded. I have prevented myself from being scared of realities, and have limited my own capability as a human because of it. I see now in myself an obligation to not push through the pain anymore. Don't run because you are scared. Stop because you are strong.

if you never voice it

2009-05-22T08:28:00.000-07:00

I have found myself both in friendship and romantic relationships getting frustrated at times for feeling distanced, or annoyed...And I have watched a progression of sorts that repeats itself in the exact same manner each time, and only now am I gaining awareness around it to understand how and why it is happening.

I find myself for one reason or another having a particular need that isn't being met. Whether it be lack of communication, emotional distance, personality quirks...whatever it may be, there are these streams of time when I will feel annoyed.

Now I see that I feel annoyed and find myself not saying anything to the other person about it. Most of the reason for this is, I find myself, especially now really picking and choosing my battles. The element of perspective in my life has been a key component in the past year, and I have been very conscious of what I choose to bring and not bring to the table.

However, I have found that in relationship, the other person will NEVER know that I am feeling these things if I never voice them. So the progression naturally travels as: I get frustrated or annoyed, bottle it up for a period of time, find it effecting the way that I interact with the other person, and get even more frustrated as to why things aren't changing.

I have seen that I expect people to read minds in a way. I just want the other person to understand my inner workings and know that I am frustrated (despite me saying anything or outwardly expressing it). So here I am with this new gained awareness of my habitual cycle and am eager to put the knowledge to the test.

From now on in both friendship and romance, when I am feeling any kind of emotion, I will voice it. That will facilitate open and clear communication and will allow myself and the other person to coexist more fluidly together as relational beings.

And I'm Back!

2009-05-17T11:58:00.000-07:00

Just returned back to Boulder from an incredible road trip through the Pacific Northwest. I was able to spend the first three days in Seattle with my boyfriend and then my parents who were en route to a medical conference in Vancouver met me and we explored the Oregon and Washington states for a week. Despite the rain, I recommend it. However, the rain is what makes the landscape so lush and beautiful, so I guess we have to pick and choose our battles here. Which brings me to this post...

I came down with a pretty nasty infection halfway through the time with my parents and was confronted with a pretty surprising and severe alert from my body that things were not right. On one night, I was kept awake through to the next morning by chattering teeth and chills that were unshakable. I was unnerved by this, and trying to get out of bed was almost impossible due to this excruciating pain in my back. I got up, and immediately started sweating all over...

My dad started doing compressions on my back to test tenderness, and with a yelp from me he called in a round of antibiotics...kidney infection. I had pretty much confirmed that...

For the next few days, I was preoccupied. I was scared that my body could within such a short period of time almost become an enemy of sorts, it was fighting me and demanding an attention that I don't usually give it. I was uneasy over the prospect of not being in pristine health and realized that I take all of that for granted every day.

I never even think about the fact that every morning I wake up and am bounding out of bed, ready to see the world and the people in it, learn new things, and never consider my health standing in my way. Until that last few days. And what it really did was make me understanding my own vulnerability as a human. All of a sudden I'm not invincible.

So this "wake up call" of sorts has made me realize that my body is my shrine, and that I need to really nurture and take care of it. I am seeing that in the past I haven't always been as attentive to my own needs and therefore I see benefit in this whole experience. Not only am I understanding the importance of adhering to my own needs, but realizing the value in accepting nourishment from those around me.

NorthWest

2009-05-12T21:25:00.001-07:00

Road trip through the Northwest...would explain why I haven't been writing. Back on Friday afternoon, definitely more to come when I return home. Love.

And yes, a fish was thrown at me...And yes, I did catch it. (the second time through).

LeeStrong

2009-05-07T11:16:00.000-07:00

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been introduce to Alan Lee's story through his brother and friend of mine Russ Lee. From the first moment I was informed of their journey I understood the courage and determination within Alan to tackle testicular cancer. It has made me think much about life and death and how we as humans I feel are just players within this big game of existence.

I am interested and curious (in an imaginative way) what exactly it is like to receive the kind of news that just reinforces your mortality as an individual. It makes me afraid. I can admit that life completely fascinates me. I feel like I am living this vibrant and expansive path that feels so good inside.

I meet new people every day, exchange common interests, see myself individuating from my upbringing and really starting to form those components within me that really make me who I am. I am discovering my place in this world, but still realizing that all of us have our specified time and then we pass.

What I do love and find special about those moments of receiving seemingly terrifying news regarding mortality is that right then and there is an opportunity to live more fully. For if you aren't confronted with the potential or prospect of death, then where is the need to take full advantage of the day? I have found that is the way that I approach it.

We were born and placed on this earth to come and go. We weren't meant to live forever, yet at the same time we are so terrified at the prospect of death. Do you think those fears come from the internal realization that you in fact haven't taken advantage of each day, and that you have coursed through your years just going through the motions? Very possible.

But Alan Lee hasn't become afraid. If anything he has become a fighter, a warrior and has understood this opportunity not as an opening for negative emotions to surge in (which they do so easily), but has more thanked the world for each day he is given. When I met him, he marveled at the day. He took it in stride. And he approaches each one with a similar stride.

He has created a beautiful following: LeeStrong. A gift in my eyes to everyone and an ability to open an eye to the world around us and understand our mortality as humans and our chance now to REALLY LIVE.

the tools

2009-05-02T12:48:00.000-07:00

As a requirement for participating in the Transpersonal Counseling Psychology program at Naropa, each student has to complete 30 hours of therapy on their own with a therapist of his/her choice. There are very few structural stipulations around it, but basically the hours have to be completed at some point over the 3 years.

I just finished my thirty hours with my therapist Alexandra, and I feel as though the person who I was when I first entered her office is very different from the person that I am now. She has given me the tools I feel are essential to living as expanded and fulfilled life as possible. She has allowed me perspective into my own life and forced me to take off the blinders that I had been wearing for so long.

I entered into her office rattled and shaken by 2008 and all that had happened, but was cloaked in this robe of pride and stoicism, with an inability to be truly authentic in my emotional experiences. I was afraid to admit to myself and her how deeply I was being impacted, because I wanted to be strong. But who was it that I was really being strong for? It didn't seem like I was necessarily being strong for myself because the whole thing felt relatively weakening.

Through many sessions of drawn out discussions, she noticed this in me, an inability to tell her EXACTLY how I was feeling. Until one day, it just started to happen, and I slowly began to open. For the firs time I wasn't afraid of being vulnerable, I wasn't hiding anymore behind feelings and wasn't pushing them to the side even as they were screaming for expression.

The tools I have been given are the beauty of authenticity, the power behind verbalizing what is going on inside, the courage to stay with even the scariest of experiences, and the heart to care for not just myself but those around me. She has given me perspectives and allowed me to be aware of my judgments and assumptions that I make. She has shown me that we as humans should never be ashamed of those assessments we make of others. For it isn't the judgments that are dangerous, it is merely how we let them control our behavior.

She really taught me not to be afraid. Not that I was afraid of the experiences, but I was more afraid of how they were going to hurt me. How they were going to limit me, but until I was able to really speak with Alexandra, she allowed me to see how these experiences were learning opportunities and portals for self expansion.

I feel humbled and appreciative for what I have learned, saddened but bright eyed for the tools I have been given and how I will use what I have now to equip me for all challenges and turns ahead.

always to blame

2009-04-29T09:28:00.000-07:00

My brother allowed me to see a habitual pattern of mine that not only did I have no awareness of, but found myself avoiding and turning my back on it for a few moments. I have been feeling a little bit of pressure monetarily related, my rent has been increased and I am finally feeling the effects of this economy. About time right? :)

Here is the objectivity around money for me: there are pressures on me yes, but I am so aware that most of that anxiety that I feel around it is due to a weight that I put on myself. I have this vision of my treasure chest, and the kind of money I want to have in it.

I have been influenced by family members and friends, who have either been callous with money or over protective and I have personally been effected by both extremes. And I didn't understand the power that money had over me until I detached further from the financial HEAVEN of my father.

Money is not the point of this entry, it is an example of an opportunity for this habitual tendency of mine to surface yet again: when things go wrong in my life, I have a tendency to blame myself. For whatever the reason, and I don't understand it.
If there are bumps in my friendships, problems in romance, problems with family, I initially think..."did I do something wrong?" "Why am I feeling this way, I shouldn't be feeling this way."

This kind of mental version of ping pong can be a very lonely existence. I can be inside my body, feel relaxed and reassured, but feel like I have nobody. I don't even recognize myself almost, I look in the mirror and then I see a stranger. But I gain clarity around it, I learn not to judge the pain or the experience, but more allow it to be genuine in its presence.

I immediately question my actions...always second guess my behaviors. And I am not too sure where it comes from, but now I have so much awareness around it. And I am learning to understand when and where it pops up. I will have more updates regarding this particular new unfolding, but for right now...I just want to sit and watch it. Be curious about it. Don't be afraid of it. Invite it. Let it come.

fear in my town

2009-04-26T12:13:00.000-07:00

I received a phone call from my mother yesterday, a distant and lost voice on the other end terrified me as I was aimlessly moving through the noisy restaurant trying to find quiet. She told me the story leaving out most details because she was nearing the end of her day and knew that I was with friends.

She at first didn't want to share it with me, but then felt she must for she didn't want me to discover the news regarding the tragic deaths of Athens' finest through CNN. Turns out a UGA professor opened fire at one of the local theater houses and killed his wife and two others as his two daughters waited in the car, unknowing of what was happening.

On receiving the news, I discovered that this tragedy is different from the others that I have experienced over the last year. While each individual circumstance maintains significant sadness and unanswerable questions, none of them occurred in my valley. Athens for me has never been the scene of the crime, and now my native heart and the hearts of my fellow Athenians are heavy.

Now there are police officers on the search for a man who committed a crime out of illogical passion. He was able to end of the life of his wife and mother of his children, because he was feeling out of control. And what I hate more than anything, is that the people who take pride in safety are having to think twice about how secure they do feel.

It is unknowable why people act violently to try and fill such a deep void. But I do know that my protective nature over my town and those who live there is very strong right now. I am feeling for everyone in Athens and can't believe that our town is suffering.

a year...and cake!

2009-04-21T10:51:00.001-07:00

Unbelievable. I think about my year of 2008 and immediately I think of tragedy, I think of lessons, I think of pain and suffering, I think of anxiety, I think of sleepless nights, and appreciation for my breath...but today, I think of Katherine Arnold Wolf.

I think of the fact that it has been one year today since her life was turned upside down and rattled. She was shown the door to death and closed it. She told the world and herself that she was going to survive this and came as close as one can to passing on...

I remember that morning when I got the phone call at about 7:45am on my way to work. It was my mother and all she said was "Katherine Arnold has had a terrible brain accident. I don't know anything else, but she is in surgery and it doesn't look good." I remember my reaction...I was numb. I was almost jaded, as terrible as it sounds...but I had been confronted with so much sadness and tragedy that I couldn't really understand it. Life didn't seem normal anymore, life seemed fraught with danger and I felt boxed away from it.

I became obsessed with her mother's blog for a few months there after, and I was constantly checking for updates and new information on her condition. In June, I went to Los Angeles to visit her. And it was one of the most incredible wake up calls of my life. I remembered this woman from high school, vibrancy and energy seeping out of every pore of her skin, gregariousness and grace in her relationships...and I stared at her from the other side of the hospital room and swirled internally.

I went from seeing beauty queen, blonde bombshell, and diva...to courage, and stamina, resilience and power. I suddenly didn't see her externally anymore, I could really feel what came from inside of her. She looked at me, took my hand and said..."I am glad that you are here. Are you friends with me on facebook?" Hilarious, and I will never forget it.

One year later, I am still in awe. She can eat now. A feat beyond her wildest dreams, she is optimistic about the state of matters and has been able to sufficiently see the good to come out of this. Her ability to strive for fullness, in EVERY circumstance is seeping into me daily. She will not have to rely on a feeding tube for her nutrition, and I feel like this is one of many steps to further integrate her with the life that she once knew. Now it is a new beginning, and she wants cake. Cake with sprinkles. I'll eat to that. Katherine I love you and marvel at you.

a good lesson

2009-04-18T09:09:00.000-07:00

As I'm sure all of you have already been introduced to Susan Boyle. Scottish vocalist extraordinare who has stunned the entire world with her magnificent talent. As I was sent yet another Youtube video, and clicking reluctantly on the link...I watched her walk up and probably had the exact same thoughts that everyone else had...

I found myself thinking...here is just another one of those aspiring singers who really has very little talent who is going to humor the world for three and a half minutes while the audience sits there quietly mocking. Additionally, I see a woman walk onto the stage, Susan Boyle who isn't particularly attractive, and she proceeds to explain to the three judges that she has wanted her entire life to be a professional singer but has never been given the chance.

I am now thinking...shocker. Here is a woman who is encroaching on 48 years old...who lives in a modest Scotland village with her cat Pebbles and who wants one day to be as famous as Elaine Paige. Immediately my judgment and assumptions about who she is and her level of talent overwhelm me, and I almost close down the internet window.

Until her voice came through. And I am telling you, it was one of the most incredible renditions of I Dreamed a Dream (already one of my favorite songs), and my heart was heavier after her performance. It was heavy for two reasons: that song has a potent and powerful way of reaching into my soul, and it made me understand and recognize my cynicism and judgmental nature.

I feel as though the entire world was given a wake up call that day. For Susan Boyle successfully stunned each and every person who witnessed her performance, and for the only reason of we all judged her appearance.

Myself included all categorized Susan Boyle into a category of mediocrity and yet underneath her appearance is a goddess. She is a truly humble woman who has a remarkable ear for song. She has enabled me to see clearly my own fallacies within the human experience.

I find myself thinking...how did I get to a point in my life where all it takes is a modest woman to walk on stage and express her aspirations for me to assume facets of her life, and assume her ability to perform? I don't think I was alone in my process.

And so here I thank Susan Boyle, for teaching me a powerful lesson. Looks do not at all predict the inner glory and beauty within a human being. Susan has forced me to look at my own struggles with making assumptions on others and for that I am grateful. We do ourselves the greatest disservice by proceeding through this life with the premise that we are better than others based on looks or any other superficial contribution.

Susan, I know you will shine. Thank you.

a new discovered power

2009-04-15T11:28:00.000-07:00

Something I have understood about the human is that we have this incredible super power that we don't even realize. It is a super power that only I have recently discovered and I am proud to say that I use it when I need to. And that is if any kind of negatively charged emotion comes to the fore front of our mind and body, we don't actually have to acknowledge and deal with it at that one moment.

Here is a concept to consider: create a container for all of those emotions. You can visualize any kind of container that you wish. It really isn't anything but a space of your own to place those emotions whenever they rear their heads. And it is an opportunity for you to exercise your own power and in having control over them.

We have an impression that these emotions are so powerful and have a grip over us that we can't fathom, and honestly it is the opposite. We are the head of our own ships, and we have the ability to let in what we wish.

This thought is empowering for me. So one of my dearest friends of all time, and I have only recently met her since I started attending Naropa told me about her own container. And she visualizes a honey jar. Now any time an emotion that she doesn't want around (loneliness, sadness, anxiety) visits her, she places it in her honey jar. So that when it enters the honey jar, it gets stuck to the honey. And this exercise isn't an opportunity to throw it away and turn your back on it, it is an opportunity to give yourself a break.

I don't feel it is beneficial to turn your break on those emotions, for each one of them is an excellent teacher. I feel like when I am in those states of fear of my own emotions, I learn the most about who I am. I learn my strength and my weakness, I see my own abilities and fallacies. They are excellent about opening our eyes to our inner being.

Therefore, create a container. Allow yourself a break, and revisit those emotions when you feel you are ready. Because so much of the time they come when we don't expect them, and very rarely at those times do we feel equipped with adequate resources to tackle them. So...in essence, pull them out of the honey jar when you have rallied your team together and are ready to press forward and handle them authentically.

do i have the time?

2009-04-13T10:16:00.000-07:00

It is amazing, I have found that in the last few months or so I have been tested by people around me in a very particular way. It is undeniable that my days are busy, and with that comes an element of impatience within myself. I see it surfacing through in my behaviors and the moment I notice it, a couple of things happen: I express it habitually without even thinking, or I get frustrated by it being there and spend more energy being annoyed by my impatience than being present in the moment.

It is interesting to me...people and myself included have this demand for having the day exactly as planned, according to schedule, and when deviations from this norm occur, it seems to completely uproot the system. Our wicks have become quite short, and we take out that anger/frustration over our deviated day on those who have no connection. It is a problem in my opinion that lies within.

But it is interesting to me how I have been this way for so long, gained such an awareness around it, and then have been able to watch and observe it from a step backward.

In nursing school, I feel like my life changed. Circumstances allowed me to gain an element of self awareness that was not present in my life previously, and the ability to look at myself in a whole new domain was encouraging for me. I started to really notice habits of mine, behaviors that were so embedded within my world of expectation that I didn't even see them for what they were. And with this point in my life came an embrace of my impatience.

It popped up in my life in so many areas, traffic moving too slowly and I would find myself frustrated because I couldn't get where I needed to go. And then passing by a horrible wreck and watching bodies being carried off in ambulances. There are those moments of perspective that should keep us all in check. But still, I wouldn't give my impatience two glances. I would acknowledge it, and let it pass through with no real desire to understand and change it.

Then after my life turning point, I began to watch it...at first I watched it very closely, for I was in this heightened state of anxiety and because my conscience had finally caught up with me, I was keeping a close eye on all of my actions, making sure that I was not hurting anybody or myself. And that time was difficult, because I was able to really turn my face to my impatience and saw that it was EVERYWHERE.

That hurt me deeply. I saw that my need for control and strict adherence to a schedule was pervading my ability to be happy. And since I moved to Boulder and begun attending Naropa, I have become soft on myself. I see my habits for what they are, and know that sometimes they are going to be there and will exist out of impulse. But they don't define me...I feel like we are all daily evolving (as I said in my very first blog)...and that the ability to be nurturing to our own fallacies is a key ingredient to being truly human.

before you can help someone...

2009-04-09T11:25:00.001-07:00

You must know how they need to be helped.

I am learning so much about this and have been for the last few months. I have realized about myself that I am a "rescuer." In my friendships and familial interactions predominantly, I have found myself when seeing someone in need racing toward them to provide aid.

It is difficult for me to see people that I love in disarray or hurting, and it is even more difficult for me if I cannot help. There is this natural inclination within me to help. I feel it is a large reason that I went to nursing school, I am drawn to serving my community and the people around me. And I have always thrived on the feeling it gave me, to know and understand that me going out of my way, even minimally makes a difference in someone else's life. And that to me is contentment.

So in this need to help others and feeling a need to express energy in that direction, I feel like I fell short in a couple of areas. Knowing when to help, and knowing what kind of help to give.

Knowing when and when not to help is a key factor. Sometimes I had found myself offering assistance to people in the wrong time, giving too much and smothering the recipient. Knowing that I was smothering was difficult for me, because it was never my intention to create a negative charge. But it is easily possible to do when you are helping someone and not really understanding the dynamic around the situation. Additionally, interestingly enough the act of helping out another seems selfless but there have been times in my life where I have helped others for a personal benefit. And I feel comfortable in acknowledging that, because I know that for me at this point now, I don't help until it feels like it is in the recipient's best interest. I now have a keen awareness of my audience before I act. And that way, the act isn't self involved.

I also slipped into a trap of not knowing how to help. Or more specifically, I found myself helping others in ways that I would want to be helped. And it is a beautiful thing to be able to accurately examine who you are helping and their inner dynamic. I have discovered that everyone receives help differently and prefers a unique blend of assistance.

To me that is the real rescuer. Someone who is there in a time of need, someone who can see when it is appropriate to give help, and someone who can gage what kind of aid to offer. These components make it real.

how do i identify?

2009-04-01T16:26:00.000-07:00

I do apologize for having not written, my life has been twisted quite a bit the last week. I know all of you understand.

I think about this topic a lot. I am so fascinated by the premise of identity, that so much of my time over this last year and a half has been in exploring and understanding who and what I identify as.

I think about all of the people in the world, trying to understand how all of these influences in life can mold and alter our sense of identity. And for me I sometimes look at people who are close to me, family members and friends, who find themselves woven into this pattern of the expected identities. At certain ages, I should identify as this, when I have children, I now identify as this, when I retire, I identify myself as this...and we as a collective then miss the part about spontaneous experience.

It is scary to watch people who do begin to identify themselves as certain things. A dear friend of mine, found herself at the end of 25 years of child rearing and she was terrified. She had identified herself as a mother for years and all of a sudden didn't know how to live her own life.

She didn't know how to begin her day without the responsibility of children, she didn't know how to spend her mental energy without the preoccupation of making sure her children were well nurtured, and she didn't know how to fall asleep knowing that all of her babies were safe and sound. It is incredible, how she who once was a woman who had the world at her fingertips, wanting to take the most from her day, learn the tools of life, see the sights of the world, and needing rich experiences...to someone who didn't know how to get through the day.

I can see myself at this point in my life right now...and I identify myself as many things: I am a student, an athlete, a sister, a friend, a girlfriend, an explorer, a seeker...all of these things, I identify as. And I have had conversations with people, who identify themselves as a father, or a mother, or a girlfriend. That is such a common one with many woman my age, they identify as a partner. And sometimes with that I feel like personal interest and authenticity fall by the wayside.

I want to live my life to the fullest. I don't want to identify myself as one thing, mainly because I don't think I am just one thing. Even into my old age, I want to defy all of the societal expectations of how I should be living my life at all of these points. I want to keep my interest in the world and other people. I want to end my day knowing that it was lived. I mean really lived.

Don't just identify yourself as one thing, reach inside and understand what makes you authentic. Use that information and apply it to the world. Even though all of these identities that I have mentioned are valuable in their own right, they shouldn't be all that you are. Be as much as you can be.

i didn't forget...

2009-03-25T18:09:00.000-07:00

I will write this week...keep reading.

striving yet still fearful

2009-03-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

A focus of mine for the last few months has been really opening to my eyes to who I am and why I operate in the Greer fashion. I have had so much desire lately to discover and rediscover parts of myself, curious about certain behavior patterns and interested as to where their roots are embedded.

I have seen that understandably much of who I am stems from my parents. Those influences have allowed me to appreciate the power of hard work, the power of relationship, the value of support, and the importance of love.

However, from many areas of influence, familial and outside of the nuclear unit, I have been conditioned in a way to be a certain kind of person. And just now am I realizing the power of those influences, and just how strong 23 years of habit can be. Now I am striving toward authenticity. At the end of my day, I don't want to behave in manners that don't express my truest and deepest nature. So many parts of my being are habitual, so many elements of my existence are a product of information from someone or something else and just now am I craving to create my own solid being.

For myself, this kind of realization is horrible and wonderful. It feels real and appropriate to be striving in this way, but it is also enabling me to acknowledge that significant parts of me aren't. I work to the point of exhaustion, I place myself in situations sometimes based on how they look to others, I am proud and stoic when I don't want to be, I get impatient. And yes all of these things are real emotions I am not saying that they aren't, but they come from a place of expectation...of myself and of others.

I want to live out my day without one eye on the clock and one foot out the door. I want to be present and available to others, I want to spend my free time doing exactly what feels right, and I want to appreciate the relationships in my life for the joy and expansion that they bring to my world. I think for so long I have been afraid of being exactly who I am. I have feared that people wouldn't accept me or that I would end up alone. But that mentality just makes me feel lonelier on the inside.

I strive now to be real. I am not going to be afraid of rejection...I am going to fall asleep each night with no regrets of being false.

tap, knock, boom

2009-03-20T09:52:00.000-07:00

Everybody has a past. Everybody has experiences or behaviors that they aren't proud of, myself included. The world though has this remarkable way I have found of providing signals to us in order to open our awareness to what we are doing and the effects that it has on ourselves and those around us.

There was a particular reading assignment, where I was introduced to the "tap tap, knock knock, boom boom" theory...in essence stating that the world will provide these opportunities for us to gain insight into our experience and additionally a chance for us to break toxic habits. It will start with "taps," then if the action continues, the world will give various "knocks," which will be higher in intensity, and then after time if the behavior is becoming so intense and pervasive almost to an overwhelming point, the world will supply "booms" which are the ultimate and most powerful indication that change is needed.

Initially behavior can begin with small infractions: for me, it was cheating here and there on various tests in high school in the midst of being unmotivated about school, but not wanting to fail. And my first tap was being called in front of the judiciary board (but I came to find out that it was for a separate reason). But even the process of being in front of a panel of my fellow students advocating honor sent my anxiety and awareness of my actions to the forefront of my attention.

Over the next couple of years, the world provided me many taps...testing regimens that would be geared at students being UNABLE to cheat, formats that would prevent sharing of information, and unpredictable seating arrangements. Now on reflection, the world was making desperate attempts to show me that this habitual pattern I had woven myself into was damaging me daily. And I spent so much energy into being paranoid of being discovered, anxious over not being able to cheat, and avoiding all acknowledgment within myself. The world was trying to make my life easier, and I wouldn't have it.

I remember my "boom" more profoundly than a lot of experiences in my life. After having cheated for so long, admitting to myself and others that I was finished, resuming immediately, and continuing forward as though no progress had been made, I had an unexplainable physical experience. My boom came after one particular test, and I left the classroom feeling more shameful than ever before in my life...and it was incredible. My boom came from within.

It was a physical breakdown, it was an emotional melt, it was a mental shift. And that was my lesson. It took me officially to the BOOM STAGE for me to understand that my actions weren't sustaining in the realm of Greer.

Therefore, listen to the tap taps, the knock knocks, and when the boom booms arrive, be careful. The world is available to lead and shape us, it is just a matter of us opening our eyes to it.

its all about delivery

2009-03-17T10:17:00.000-07:00

I have learned a valuable lesson today...shocker :-)

Many times when I have had interactions with other people and there have been conflicts, a trend of mine has been to approach people as though I would want to be approached. I am someone who is comfortable with confrontation and insists on honesty. I pride myself in making people feel comfortable enough around me to approach me with anything, and therefore throughout my life I have taken on the role of handling people in the same manner as I would like to be handled.

And over the past few months, I am learning the importance of understanding many things relating to conflict. I am learning to examine my audience, who I am speaking to and appreciating how they would like to be approached.

An important factor to consider here is having both parties' needs met. If I approach someone who doesn't appreciate confrontation, I should find a healthy balance between saying exactly what I need to say and making sure that the other party is nurtured.

I know this because I went through deliberation between myself and a person very dear to my heart. I had been confronted with an issue between the two of us, and for about 2 weeks I planned in my head how I would confront him. But I realized through that period of time how all of my solutions were ways in which I would want to be approached. And until I came to an awareness of him disconnecting from me as I approached him, I saw in me the importance of dual care.

So I think of it to be critical, approach people you are in conflict with in a caring and nurturing manner. Allow the other person to be relaxed in their reception of the information, and always make sure that you are able to say exactly what you need to say.

underpromise and overdeliver

2009-03-13T12:43:00.001-07:00

A standard that I strive for is underpromising and overdelivering. This is a mentality that surrounds various facets of my life: mainly my work environment, friendships, and school.

With my work environment, I feel as though it has been quite a struggle for me to achieve this on a regular basis. There are so many days where I feel like I am being spread too thin (maybe wasn't such a great idea to accept those 3 part time jobs), and I barely have the effort to just "promise and deliver." No "-under or -over" involved. And it becomes a vicious cycle, I see that my promises are trumping my delivery and I become frustrated with myself, questioning my abilities and capabilities, but more than that sad that I don't know my limitations on when enough is enough.

Life has been tumultuous for me lately, the one year anniversary of my dear friend Eve has brought me back to that day, and I am reliving the shock and horror of unexplainable tragedy. I have discovered that through this preoccupation, my ability to deliver has waned. I am forgetful all of a sudden, and "Greer is never forgetful." Here is where my controlling nature tends to rear its demon eyes at me...for I become so hard on myself for forgetting, instead of being soft around my tenderness and vulnerability. It is a balance I am learning to strike, so now when I forget things, I accept that I have, and move forward. But always in my work I am striving to underpromise and overdeliver. I know I will get there.

Friendships...I pride myself on nurturing. It is a difficult thing for me to say no to friends, I crave that support from others, and so in return I live it as wholly as possible. It is a good feeling to go a step and beyond for the people that I live, so I feel this phrase ties in well with my own life. It feels natural for me to go the distance, because I want those people around me to know just how much I care.

School wasn't always a treat for me. When I graduated from nursing school, I had it burned in my brain that I would never be in the classroom again. And after a year separated from my experiences in undergraduate and being given an opportunity to do some self exploration, I entered into counseling psychology. And here is where I feel I overdeliver, and not because I want to impress, but because I love the subject matter.

So in essence, I feel it is a good way to live...underpromise but overdeliver.

a guide for the soul

2009-03-10T09:44:00.001-07:00

I used to be very afraid of sadness. I feel like I never experienced true sadness until nursing school. I was compromised and because of my actions I was faced with what I had considered the most intense emotional state. All of a sudden, and without appropriate resources to really handle what I was being confronted with, I melted internally and stopped sleeping (in a nutshell). But more than anything, what I do remember from that entire experience was completely rejecting any real conscious admittance of negatively charged emotions, primarily loneliness and sadness.

It took me three months to even be able to write down the words, "I am lonely." Things would circle in my head, thoughts such as "I don't get lonely, I am never sad so I can't be now" and I would acknowledge them as true. I would believe my superficiality and fear regarding what embracing those emotions meant, and I was scared of the energy required in having them as part of me. Additionally, and honestly I didn't want people to see me sad.

It is a hard thing to admit that to the entire blog audience, but I feel like that brought me to where I am today.

So as life progressed forward, I was able to admit to myself that I was sad and lonely and that I needed support. I felt though that no emotions could challenge those that I felt in nursing school. Until this year.

This year provided me a level of sadness that I didn't know possible. It is a void that eats to my core, and is something that I fully embrace as part of my life. I feel like the more sadness I can contain, the more joy I can hold. And so as of right now, I use sadness as a guide.

The sadness that I feel helps me understand and care for my soul. It allows me to understand what my needs are and helps me understand my inner workings. And if I listen to that sadness, and pay attention to the exact needs that are truest to my nature, I discover more about what Greer IS and not what Greer SHOULD BE.

It is a guide, sadness is not something to be feared or turned against, it is something to be embraced. So I embrace it in order to become better friends with me.

do the differences really make a difference?

2009-03-08T20:15:00.000-07:00

I have learned an important aspect of romantic relationships that has stuck with me prominently and has been an ongoing lesson especially as of late.

All of us clearly have "a type" or so we think, people of the opposite or same sex that seem to attract us initially and who we feel serve as a beautiful partner. And I have really been on both sides of the track here, and have explored dating men with whom I have had totally common interests and men with whom I shared none. Both were incredible learning experiences, but I have found one particularly interesting element that had stopped me from dating men with less common interests: people warned me about these external differences which would pose problems in the future and for those uncrossing paths there would never be true commonality.

So in my last few years, I have somewhat avoided men that didn't completely fit a mold because I was disinterested in justifying my choices, for defending the differences to people who I knew and loved, etc...but what seems to be a more common thread throughout it all is that I had this preconceived conception of how happiness was achieved and how relationships truly worked at the end of the day.

But what was it that I was really afraid of, when I would choose men who were seemingly similar to me, at least on paper? I was afraid of being with someone so different from me, because I convinced myself that it was unworkable.

And a recent experience in my world here in Boulder has reiterated the important place that I feel I am in my life right now. For many years, I have maintained the premise that those external differences play a much more minor role than people think. Those differences have blinded people from experiencing outside of comfort zones and have prevented people from living a life outside of expectation. To me it seems unfortunate that we are convinced that we should be of people who are completely like minded.

For me, I seek out those men who I don't necessarily feel fit a mold, whatever that means. I find it so intriguing when I am attracted to a man unexpectedly and that our relationship fills a part of me that I didn't even know existed.

Those differences are a true testament that a connection between two people, and a genuine respect and love are present without extraneous structural differences. Seek out those who make you happy and you will find happiness within.

a year of gifts

2009-03-04T19:55:00.000-08:00

January 1st seems to be the obvious and most expected opportunity for reflection, motivation for change, and it gives each one of us the chance to wipe the slate clean to start anew.

I have always followed this same mentality, even since I was a young child…forming my own “new years resolutions” which always seemed to revolve around brutal recognition of bad habits, and optimisms to change them.

Suddenly though I am finding that my new year manifests as a different cut of cloth. My new year did not begin on January 1st. My new year began on March 5th, 2008. This was the day that my dear and cherished friend, Eve Marie Carson lost her life.

As “my year” comes to a close, for her sake I want to reflect on all the gifts that have accompanied my most transformative days. Because of her:

I learned to cherish each day to its fullest. Carpe Diem, a phrase I used to mock because I felt it was so cliché has proven to be a pillar of strength for me. Eve craved and demanded depth from her life and in every moment she lived there was an opportunity to learn from herself, from others, and from the world around her. She has opened my eyes to a brilliance of depth and sanctity that lies in this complex world. Now, I use each breath that I have as an opportunity to learn and be taught, to give and be nurtured, and to expose myself and be exposed to new ideas. She taught me to fly.

I learned to be in relationship with the people around me and to crave authenticity. Before Eve’s death, I can say generally speaking that I maintained a pretty cognitive and intellectualized relationship to myself and to the people around me. Not to say in the slightest that I wasn’t emotional, but I didn’t feel as deeply propelled to “dive deep” into the richness of people and places until Eve passed. She had the remarkable and unique ability, even at such a young ripe age to live her feelings. She wasn’t scared of the stigmas looming around “negatively charged emotions” such as sadness, terror, and anxiety. She lived her emotional state and felt comfortable in expressing to those around her the honesty of her inner workings. I was her silent student, always gathering information on her ability to be vulnerable. Thank you for teaching me Eve.

I learned to acknowledge and express my own needs. I have always taken on the role of the nurturer. In my life, my joy and satisfaction usually stemmed from adhering and fulfilling the needs of those around me. I see nothing wrong with this reality, but it is when I discovered that my drive to help others blinded me from meeting my own and even knowing my own needs that I felt unrest. Eve’s death has brought me to a place of self-care in my life that I don’t think I otherwise would have embraced at this point. Her death has made me realize that I have needs just as those around me do, and that at the end of the day, if I can’t help myself then I can’t help others. Thank you Eve, for helping me learn to take care of myself.

I learned patience and grace. Before March 5th, 2008, I was rigid and strict on myself in various ways. Always with one eye on the clock and one foot out the door, I was never fully present. Always impatient if others were late, always frustrated if things didn’t go according to “my plan.” Eve, you have enabled me to understand that “my plan” doesn’t exist. Life isn’t about being in control, for control itself is an illusion. So as you exited the world as I always knew you, my impatience and hostility went with you. Thank you Eve for enabling me to be easy on my day, and thank you for trusting in the world to provide for me.

I learned to be a true giver. I read in a recent school text that there are both genuine and false givers. The genuine giver is someone who extends themselves in a myriad of ways without any expectation of returned favors or any impression of status. A false giver is an individual who extends him or herself with the intention of it improving their identity in a relationship or community and always with the hope of receiving in one form or another. Before Eve, I would say that there were elements of a false giver in me. I can admit that I would give with the notion that it was improving my status or identity and that I hoped somewhere in the future the favor would be returned. Eve was the quintessential genuine giver. There was no intellectualization associated with giving; it was just in her nature to extend. Eve, you have made me into a true giver. I wasn’t able to see the difference in the two, but your foot tracks that you have left all over my life have shown me.

I learned to live. As I reflect, Eve has taught me to live. There are many other gifts that she has opened my eyes to, but I feel as though these are the hallmarks right now of my existence. She has taught me to not be anchored down by experience, and she has shown me the value of demanding depth out of my day. She has taught me to have genuine interest in the people and the world around me and because of her I don’t just go through the motions. Thank you for allowing me to soar Eve, I would never have been able to do it without you.

As I come to the closing of “my year,” I smile. I smile with remembrance and gratitude. I appreciate my life and feel truly humbled by the days I have been given on this earth. A new year is starting tomorrow and with that comes the opportunity for rebirth.

until later this week...

2009-03-02T20:40:00.001-08:00

I will be traveling to GA Wednesday and will blog then...keep checking.

needs...who needs them?

2009-02-27T07:58:00.000-08:00

For many years, I have found myself taking on the role of the nurturer. I have always taken such joy and pleasure out of helping others, in need or not. More often I found that when I extended myself out of the standard "energy requirement," it brought me closer to those around me.

Interestingly enough, the role of the nurturer came up in my Family Systems class. It was brought to the attention of the teacher that one of my fellow students really did identify herself as a nurturer and rescuer. Always wanted to take care of those in need, and making sure that she was taking away some kind of serenity from it. And I really appreciate and understand that serenity because I feel like I am wired in a similar manner.

I feel like I have inherited the majority of this almost servant like mentality from my mother. I feel lucky to have been raised under an umbrella of a role model and parent who really emphasized the importance of contribution and dedication to the people around me. She goes out of her way to help others, a true and generous heart.

And I have been able to understand the benefits and internal satisfaction that accompanies these gestures. And I have adopted them into my own repertoire. So here I am, feeling like I am coming to numerous crossroads in my life. Trying to sift between what is Greer, and what isn't. Determine where my life is heading and how I feel about it. Curious over my actions and interests, and whether or not they come from my internal constitution or are merely a manifestation of influence (from family, friends, society, culture).

I am seeing something that stands at the forefront of my decision making and trying to decipher what is truest to me and what isn't. I am realizing that while I do love giving of my energy and myself, I do have needs. And for many years I feel as though my needs haven't necessarily been acknowledged by myself. There of course are my passions and interests which are given time in my day (reading, writing, knitting, climbing, running), but at the core needs are more of what I'm talking about.

I see core needs as: asking for help and not being afraid to do so, trust and honesty in relationship, not being spread too thin, feeling nurtured myself in interaction, being understood and when not being notified, feeling connected and having the opportunity to connect to the world around me...those kinds of things. I see these qualities as basic interaction foundations.

I feel I am in relationship with people and the world, and I feel like just as I am adhering to the needs of others, I should adhere to my own as well. For how well can I serve if I don't yet serve myself? I am aware of this need for transformation and feel like I really am taking steps to nurture Greer.

a day i don't want to come

2009-02-24T11:05:00.000-08:00

1 year. Unbelievable. My darling bird died almost a year ago. It doesn't seem possible. Time hasn't even seemed relevant here. It doesn't feel like a year has passed, but it almost seems like 20 years have flown by. It is this strange feeling inside that time isn't a component of my process. There is nothing about Eve's death that involves a ticking clock.

Her anniversary is next week on the 5th of March. That is a day I am dreading. It is going to take me back to a nightmare that I have spent a year trying to embrace and cope with, yet progress and move forward through. I feel like as this day approaches, I am coming closer and closer to the fire that has burned my soul for many days.

I am afraid to go home. I am afraid to see Eve's precious brother Andrew. I am afraid to hold him in the tightest of embraces, telling him that she is immortal now. I am scared to suffer her loss and behave as though she isn't the vivacious and brilliant presence I know her to be.

I don't want to surround myself with sadness, I want remembrance, fondness, respect, humbleness, appreciation and acceptance to become March 5th. Because right now for me, March 5th is full of fear, sadness, shock, screams, tears, and disbelief.

I had made it a point in my mind not to go home for the occasion. It is too much for my heart to bear. I am having a difficult time understanding the need to convene on a day that I don't want to remember. I want it to go from March 4th to March 6th with no concern for what was missed. I had closure in my mind that I deserve to grieve in the ways best suited for myself.

But then a phone call from my precious mother, saying that she needed me there changed my mind and heart. She told me that for her sake, I should come home. And she need not say more. I bought the ticket. For I realized that it isn't going to just give my mom peace of mind that I'm there, my presence will mean worlds to all those in attendance.

Therefore, on March 5th...I will be home remembering my darling blue bird.

easing into conflict

2009-02-22T17:54:00.001-08:00

Good lesson today. I was trap shooting (my one claim to fame is that my great uncle invented the marvelous contraption that makes skeet shooting possible. PULL!) and during the process, there was a wonderful man standing behind me keeping me oriented along the way...and being so patient with me through all of it. He was instructing me of appropriate stance, and informing me of the mechanics of the gun, etc...

But one of the instructions he gave to me the most was "don't be so busy aiming at the target, allow your eyes to naturally follow it so then your focus is more direct." It seems trivial, but honestly it spoke to me. Because throughout my first few rounds, I was allowing my brain to dominate the experience...

The ways in which it manifested were unease when the clay pigeon was released. Immediately once I realized that a task was at hand, my body's expression was completely cognitive and I began to behave out of fear. It really was incredible. Interesting in and of itself was the fact that I could apply a relatively simple experience to a large life challenge.

I was able to see myself enter into conflict and the way that I approach it. I was able to see my natural inclination to be cognitive, in my head with confusion and fear...I shot my gun with anxiety at the source. All I was doing was aiming, when I should have been naturally following, and allowing the situation to run its course and flow with it's process. And what a lesson to learn.

Now I know that when negative charge stands in my path, I will make sure to connect my head and body, to make my emotional and physical being be one. Because when I do that, my expression is more free and fluid and not static. The moment I stopped aiming and started following and accepting, I hit targets. Approach negative charge with ease.

a day to remember

2009-02-19T17:32:00.001-08:00

Wow, so this has been quite a day. I woke up this morning not really anticipating what breakthroughs would occur, but I am coming to the close of this Thursday realizing how much I have changed in the course of 8 or so hours.

It all began with fear. I, along with many people I believe, live a portion of my life fear based. I am afraid of rejection, scared of how my actions appear, fearing of being misread...you name it, I am sure that I have felt it and allowed this conditioning to control my behavior.

So much of my behavior that related to fear however was unconscious. I really didn't have a true awareness of how it permeated my experiences and how so much of my daily life had a string attached to some kind of fear.

I feel like in the past, and really since this morning...I have had so much resistance to being verbally honest. And I don't necessarily know where that comes from, but there is something that genuinely prevents me from saying exactly what is going in my mind and expressing it exactly as I feel it. I don't know, and I have tried to navigate and understand it, but I haven't yet figured out where it comes from and when it arrived.

But I do know that with a simulated class experiential this morning, I was given an opportunity to come face to face with a friend of mine that I have been estranged with for quite some time. I was instructed to go up to anybody in the class and come into contact with that person. I didn't even realize who I was picking until I was face to face with this "stranger friend."

And there I stood, afraid to be real. Afraid to be honest. Afraid of rejection, afraid of how people would think of me, afraid of judgment. And then I was pushed. And I resisted, and then I was pushed some more. And my heart broke open. And I my core beliefs were exposed.

I felt real. For the first time in a long time. And there I was, opening my heart and spilling out my feelings...exactly as they were happening. It is something I have never done before, and I didn't realize how I longed and ached for it. Until it happened. So here I am. Wanting to apply this to all of my relationships. I want people to see me.

It began with fear. And it ends with ease and grace.

for if you aren't honest...

2009-02-16T17:03:00.000-08:00

There are a couple of people in my life who have expressed to me that I have brought them to a more honest place in their world. They feel as though with me they are inclined not only to be truthful in all things related to me, but in their interactions with people, nature, and the world around them.

I am finding this to be very interesting. Both of these circumstances were different in their own right. One of the individuals had been giving me a version of himself that wasn't dishonest, but it wasn't necessarily the deepest version of what was really internally present. So for the course of our relationship, it more often than not felt like we were only placing our toes in the pool, really to see how cold the temperature was. There seemed to be some kind of fear based around diving head first in, freezing or not, and just experiencing exactly what was happening at each moment. So it was unsatisfying for me. Whenever I would part ways with this person, there was a sense of emptiness. And it felt...dishonest.

The other person I didn't know quite as well. And we seemed to have just begun our friendship, when I began to gain significant insight into who he was and how he approached his world. He seemed to tell me that he wasn't always EXACTLy who he was with everybody, because he didn't necessarily appreciate people's reactions to his brutal truths...he felt as though not being wholly honest in his dealings was far more beneficial and easier.

But for me, I tend to disagree. I feel like it seems like much more of an energy expenditure to be someone that you aren't, just for the sake of making an interaction easier, or really just wanting affection or attention from someone else. I find our truest nature to be so beautiful in its uniqueness, that it should never go unexposed.

For this is my ultimate question: if at the end of the day you aren't exactly who you are the core, then what part of yourself are you giving? How has the fear gotten to be so significant that it prevents you from freely flowing through relationship? And how do you choose which version to give? Where in the mind is the version you are giving the best one...And if that version in the mind exists, I want to get to know it better.

So here I am, finishing a day. Realizing that in my dealings I was honest and I was exactly who I am. No fear, just me. I want to sleep peacefully knowing that the version I give to everyone is the same. No hidden agendas, no need for impressing people, just real.

sometimes I forget

2009-02-14T07:05:00.001-08:00

Somewhere along the way I convinced myself that most problems were easily dealt with on my own. And that when issues would arise, I would deal with them solo, progressing forward through my day and allowing life to absorb the hurt and pain.

For many years, and this has been most prominent in my life during nursing school. Each day I was challenged with anxiety and pressure, insomnia and sadness, I was lonely and felt lost in this smoky cloud of fear. I couldn't see where I was going, I couldn't understand how I got there, and I absolutely didn't see a way to the end. And despite the fact that I drew on my closest family members for comfort and relief, for the most part I dealt with the heart of the matter on my own.

Now this isn't to say that my support systems weren't there, I am sure that they would have come to my side in a moment's notice. But I found myself straddling the fence between wanting to let people in and see that I was vulnerable and exposed, and not wanting to inconvenience people with "my problems."

And therefore I stayed on that fence for many years...and it resulted in me longing to just have people at my side to comfort and hold me, yet not wanting to feel like I was burdening other people's time, or expending other people's energy and taking away from their own lives.

I feel as though this mindset has migrated into more of a comfortable medium but there are definitely moments when I still struggle. Sometimes when I am in the midst of hurt and sadness, and am right back in that maze of smoke, I will lose sight of my support systems. I have matured and grown and know that they are there, but still there are times when I have a difficult time immediately going to them.

I have pride and stoicism that runs through my veins that unfortunately wins over acceptance and surrender, and the ease and comfort of reaching out. I have changed through. I think of it as circumstantial, meaning at certain times I will immediately go to those networks of love around me.

But again those moments plague me, when I am sad and decide to go it alone. I want to never lose sight of my support systems, and never lose the knowledge that they are there for me and stand near me with outstretched arms.

hold on tightly and let go lightly

2009-02-11T13:58:00.000-08:00

There are so many things that we grasp onto. And we grasp onto these things with such a veracious grip that seems inhuman. These are things spanning from core beliefs, fears of being vulnerable, ideals of perfection, impressions of how relationships should be, definitions of success, the importance of tradition, the list goes on and on.

I find that in my own time I have clung on to so many things of this nature with a grip that seems impossible to release. I have my own dilemma regarding what perfection means to me, how I want my relationships to be in my life, my ideals and morals, my impression of success, what it means to be wealthy, and the ever so prominent desire for control.

All of these issues have taken place at the forefront of my brain, setting up camp as a main focus of my attention and energy and I am seeing trends in my behavior which have allowed me to truly understand their place and power in my world.

These expectations and standards of living have been a result of influence from a myriad of places over my life. I have taken in information from all parties, family, friends, institutions, academics, and I have utilized what I have learned and adopted it for myself.

In retrospect I have seen myself and the opportunities that I took to fully adopt life mentalities from people throughout my life. I am so keenly aware of my inability to absorb their ways of living and appreciate them for what they are, take for myself what is applicable to my core beliefs, and use them as my own. I instead ignored what I needed for my own personal satisfaction and instead added them fully to my own repertoire.

It brings me then to another question, what are my morals and values? What are my core beliefs? And not the morals, values, and core beliefs that stem from influence, the ones that come me. And just me. Maybe I don't have them.

But then if I sit down and ask myself this question, I can go through in my mind what I want for myself and my personal satisfaction, and that is genuine. I think those beliefs were there the whole time I just didn't know to search for them and use them. It is an important process to live just for yourself and nobody else. We hold on to these preconceived notions of how you should live and what you should for yourself so tightly, and now is the time to let go lightly.

rushing the system

2009-02-10T13:57:00.000-08:00

You cannot rip the skin from the snake, it will shed when its ready. Same mentality applies to people and their individual processes.

It is an interesting place that I have come to in my life...and I as I reflect over the last few years, and see where I have been and where I have come both emotionally and spiritually, I notice one main thing: the process wasn't forced upon me, I didn't have someone who was a spiritual guru trying to pump me full of "opportunities for realization..."

In my particular example, I would have moments of realization that my life needed to seriously change. I had them numerous times within nursing school, and they would come at moments that seemed at the time pretty unexpected and out of the blue. But that to me is what solidified them all the more. That I wasn't in someone's company, with them explaining to me where I was doing wrong to myself and others and how it needed to change.

It was completely from myself, and with that inner patience and opportunity to let emotions surface at their own time, the experience seemed much more real.

I have had an opportunity to watch someone from afar and experience on the periphery a tumultuous and stormy period. I have seen this person acting in ways that I know she knows aren't good for her, but yet I let her experience them and I allow myself to provide as much support and love as I can around her. For I know that she will come to her own realization in her own time. And I will be there for her as she battles the uphill climb back to who I know she is at the core.

For I believe that it stops becoming our process when someone forces their experiences and influences on us. And then it becomes less genuine and less powerful. So in my mind, don't try and rush your own process. Don't try to place yourself in situations where you will see the light or error of your ways. Allow yourself to glide through these waves of enlightenment and be patient. Your mind and heart will follow in their own time.

you can't stop the waves...

2009-02-08T13:56:00.000-08:00

There are many times in my life and especially as of late where I am finding waves of emotion surfacing in me. In the past, I have been habitual in the sense that I am so eager and quick stop these profound yet indescribable moments of total emotional consumption. I am afraid of what they mean, the stigmas surrounding them, their permanence in my life, and their power.

So often do we all do this, especially with negative emotion. Say that we are progressing through life, really "content" with the routine...the relationships, the occupation, social engagements, obligations, etc...and all of a sudden we have a surge of realization that we are truly unhappy. Unhappy just in general, non-specific toward any event in particular, just that general malaise and sense of being weighted down by a pressure on our bodies.

In my experience, the immediate response is avoidance. It is a turning of the back on the emotion itself, because "I have no reason to feel this way. There is nothing in my life going wrong, therefore the emotion must not really exist. And if in fact it is here tomorrow, then it may exist, but I will stop it from being there." And we try to use this illusionary control in our lives to predict the nature of our day.

And we put armor on our bodies, and distract ourselves with friends and family, activities and hobbies, and assume that with this armor around us, we cannot be penetrated. And yet it still comes back. And it comes back with ten times the veracity. So we put a shield in front of us, saying you aren't coming anywhere near me. I can beat you.

So we try and stop it. But I have come to a new realization. Instead of trying to stop the waves from coming, which is counterproductive because the shore is consistently flooded with waves both big and small, try and surf on them. This life wasn't meant to be avoided and battled against. It was meant to flow with the current. We were meant to welcome the emotions, see them as part of who you are, not all inclusive to your identity.

Interesting how we are not intimidated by feelings of overwhelming joy, elation, eurphoria...because they aren't "painful." But the so called negative emotions that we have been conditioned to reject, are only as painful as we make them. Do not be scared of them, for they have powers that we cannot imagine. So when you find yourself in the midst of sorrow, loneliness, pain, or sadness, ride that wave. And ride it with an open arm.

trying not to be impatient

2009-02-05T13:56:00.000-08:00

A new influence in my life is one of my teachers at school. I have never met a person who was more steeped in his practice of cultivating awareness. He has a remarkable ability to reference teachings and readings from his entire life, and throughout the course of this particular class, he has given me numerous seeds that I am planting into my own repertoire of life lessons.

We had a discussion on impatience. There are few people that I know who genuinely APPEAR as though they are patient. It just seems like everyone has their own places to be, agendas to be satisfied, obligations to adhere to...and the day is spent centered around needing. And yet we are all striving to not let those things effect us. We try not to be rattled by no shows, we try to be okay with our lunch date running fifteen minutes behind, we try to not boil when flights are delayed...yet we can't help it. Where did all of this happen? Where in the line of development did this trend win?

I Think about the chaos and unrest in our lives and beings that is merely a blossom from the tree of impatience. Because of impatience, we don't live peaceful existences and it is through outbursts of anger and short wicked tempers that are just the manifestation from a mind of impatience. We aren't concerned for the well being of others, we are really more passionate and consumed with having our own personal voids filled.

A beautiful story he shared focused on the value of patience and the danger of impatience: a man comes onto a cocoon, and thrilled that he is about to witness a true miracle of nature, he grabs it and places it in the palm of his hand. His excitement and eagerness overwhelms and he begins to blow warm air on it, to help facilitate this transformation. After a few minutes, slowly the cocoon begins to open. A struggling butterfly, with wet wings battles flight in the palm of his hand. And there right in front of him, the prematurely born butterfly dies. And he described it as one of the heaviest weights on his person. He was so consumed with his own needs, that the needs of others were abandoned.

And in this idea...I feel like we are all working on "trying not to be impatient." But isn't that what impatience is? You don't try to be patient. Either you are patient, or you aren't. But trying to be is not patience. Therefore, I work every day to one day wake up and be...patient.

just do one thing

2009-02-02T13:56:00.000-08:00

One of my biggest problems...

Just do one thing at a time. As a member of this culture of overstimulation, I am the ultimate multi-tasker. Texting while driving, talking while cooking, writing emails while watching a movie, talking on the phone and texting on the phone at the same time, knitting while driving (go mom)...the list goes on and on.

And multi tasking is a skill that I truly have mastered. I used to be the kind of person that marveled at my ability to be three places at once. I would use it to my advantage, and allow that skill to feed on itself until I had a cold and hard realization...I wasn't being present.

In one of my classes, the theme of the three hour lecture was: learn to just do one thing. And become as good as you can at doing just one thing. But see we aren't creatures who are used to that. We have been conditioned to excel and become productive on doing and being many things at once. We have turned efficiency into a primary goal in this life...trying to pack in and accomplish the most possible in one day. We equate it with success, and to us success is happiness.

But I turn another corner now, I don't want to be doing three things at once. I don't want to be the person in the line at the grocery store who is on the cell phone, who has to have two simultaneous conversations at once. I don't want to be the person who is listening to a friend speak, but have my mind on a myriad of other things. It isn't fair to myself or the people that I love.

Therefore, I use that desire to be efficient and productive and place it toward being fully present in doing just one thing. For example, I didn't look at my cell phone once during the time it took me to write this blog. God I love progress.

why do i need the validation?

2009-01-28T11:55:00.001-08:00

I am discovering things about myself and my relationships...and it has entered into my awareness really through friendships.

Most of my being is confident. I have elements of my world and my persona and how I interact with things and people around me that I don't question. I know that I have a good head on my shoulders, I know that I am curious about life and its complexity. I know that I have people around me who love and care about me. I am confident in my work in both the office and classroom setting.

But as of late, and due to recent circumstances, my abilities to be a friend have been questioned. I had a door closed on me by a friend, in an attempt for her to fulfill needs of her own and in pursuring what it is that makes her truly happy from the inside out, I was cut out of the mix. And in my mind it was abrasive and hurtful, and I was not given an opportunity to speak my peace.

And what did I do with that information? I questioned MYSELF. How could this possibly be happening, and what have I done wrong to facilitate this behavior in someone I considered a pretty close friend? All of my questions were directed inward, assuming with all of my rational and logical being that I had behaved poorly, that I had hurt her...

I realized I craved and absolutely demanded validation from my other friendships that I was a contribution to their lives, that I had a place higher than a shut door. That I was a partner with them, a kindred spirit, that we could discuss anything and everything, and more than all else, that they knew I was there for them. Part of the communication between this friend of mine in the circumstance was that I was accused of not being genuine, being dominant, and that I never took the time to get to know her.

Those words were the most hurtful, because despite my extroverted and full life, I make it a point to allow my friends and family to know that my genuine ear and heart are theirs.

The need for validation doesn't now doesn't make me question my confidence in myself. But it did. And I was bruised. My ego and self container were tainted, and for a brief moment, I had a broken wing and a broken spirit. But now, I look forward, take that lesson, know that we are EVOLVING DAILY, and with each new day and new sunrise comes learning.

a sense of fear

2009-01-25T12:52:00.001-08:00

So there are those times in my life where I have been so apprehensive to speak my peace, whether it be in romantic relationships, friendships, sibling encounters, etc...

This has come into play most prominently with two specific relationships of mine. In an attempt to keep it as anonymous (as possible), I will keep the details vague, but the message clear.

With one circumstance, I found myself with an opportunity to speak my mind to a romantic partner. We have had kind of a roller coaster relationship, and I have been subject to personal conflicts within himself and inabilities to control jealousy. It has been plaguing me for so long, and I found myself just unable to speak my mind to him. As though I had something to lose. And I searched and searched for what it was, and I found out that so much of what I was scared of losing was that notion of being taken care of by a man.

I found myself so entangled in a web of being wined and dined that I didn't allow myself an opportunity to see how much of my involvement and energy into the relationship was actually for myself and my own happiness.

A second circumstance was another person very close in my life who had made it very clear that he didn't want me part of a significant event that had occurred in his life regarding his health. Now I am a fair distance away from this person, so my daily interaction with him is non existent. To say the least, there were moments of dishonesty where I was left in the dark regarding his state of health. And I have found myself incredibly frightened of bringing it up. And again, I look into myself and see what it is exactly that I am so afraid of. I am afraid that I am going to lose what I have with this man. I am afraid that our relationship will change, because his dear heart is so afraid of being vulnerable and confrontational with his own emotions. And I don't want to possibly muddy the waters of what we have. So where do I stand then? Do I speak my pace?

And sometimes I feel like we all come to these crossroads in our life. We come to these points where people in our lives evoke emotions in us that must be expressed, but there are hidden fears deep within our souls that prevent us from carrying out these conversations, because we are afraid of not being safe in the relationship. But I have seen the error of my ways, I have seen that the longer I wait, the harder it gets, and the more painful the interaction becomes. When if I just own it on the forefront, my mind is at ease, my heart is at peace, and my relationship is honest.

Speak it if you feel it, don't let the fear of consequences sway action.

the day after

2009-01-20T09:08:00.001-08:00

Yesterday. Jan 20, 2009 is the benchmark of change. On that morning, I ventured out to the sun kissed sidewalk of Pearl Street in Boulder, CO with tea in hand...not exactly aware of what I was about to witness.

As I walked into the local breakfast joint around 9am...there were only scatterings of people throughout some of the booths. I immediately found my friend and within 20 minutes, they were turning people away at the door. It was filled with optimistic and eager spirits, who were so adamant about embarking on this new chapter in the world's history.

Honestly as it began, I was filled with emotion. Sadness for George Bush over the last eight years, I felt for him yesterday. I can only imagine what is (AND ISN'T) going through his mind in these moments of transfer of the torch. His face seemed so old and weathered, as though the last eight years had really aged him.

I felt a sense of anxiety, there were worried clouds circling above me, for fear that extremists would act on their violent motivations...I was intimidated that because every branch of government was present and so many prominent faces in politics were convening that it would be cause for turmoil. Thankfully, I was wrong. But for the entirety of the procession, I was nervous.

Lastly, I was proud and eager. I was excited and encouraged. Barack and Michelle Obama carry power in their stride. He holds pride and reverence with him in his presentation. A man that I am truly proud to have in the seat of power. I appreciate so dearly his acceptance of the road ahead and is very realistic of what work lies ahead for all of us. He understands the severity of it, but it so appreciative for the opportunity to motivate change.

I love that the energy shifted the moment Barack was elected the next president. Everybody was starving for declarative and strategized movement. And the excitement was global. It was so profound and moving seeing the celebration on election day, and it rivaled the two million person, flag waving crowd at the inauguration.

I am presently proud. I am eager for change. I am aware of the road ahead, and am excited about stepping foot on the path toward a new horizon.

getting it all done

2009-01-19T16:52:00.000-08:00

So many balls flying in the air for me right now, and the same thing happens to me every weekend as I am looking at the week ahead of me...I wonder to myself, how did I let it get this full AGAIN?

So much of what I wanted to change about my 2009 was to calm this inner need in me to always be busy. It isn't that I don't enjoy it, because honestly there aren't parts of my day that I don't enjoy, I think though that it is the culmination of doing so many things in one day, that it almost seems as though each individual event or experience doesn't get its full due because my mind is pretty much consistently focused on all that is going to happen within each 24 hour period.

Each of the things I am participating are all expanding and enlightening me. I have part time jobs which are all different in their own respects. I am being challenged by my new bosses, I am being exposed to new worlds of art and public relations. I am learning time management and organization, I am being tested to stay on top of all things asked of me. And then there is school. School demands not as much of my intellectual capabilities as it does my emotional will power. The curriculum itself is rigorous, but I feel capable and up for the challenge, and was expected that with graduate work comes difficult academic work.

But again, with all of this...I do have this sometimes penetrating sense of fear that not all of my commitments will be fulfilled. Sometimes I think that I won't stand up to the challenges that I have made for myself. Maybe I am fearful of not living up to a standard that I have placed on myself. I am hard on myself. But there again, I create these opportunities for expression of my abilities. So I can't really be hipocritical because I am the one who has made myself the target.

So now when I notice myself feel those inner crawlers inside, who tell me that it won't all get done, I laugh at it. I say to myself, if I approach this with humor and ease, then with those two things IT WILL ALL GET DONE. Therefore, my mind relaxes. I am now not as afraid of squeezing it all in. I will take each experience and be as in the moment with them as I can individually. It all deserves appreciation. And now I am rest assured that it will all get done.

a culture of distraction

2009-01-16T18:37:00.001-08:00

I have gained a little bit of insight into the American (and frankly other cultures as well, but this is the most apparent to me) way. I have seen so much of this tendency toward self distraction...There are many things that we all distract ourselves from. Humans on the general I have come to believe are in some essence afraid of approaching head on the complexity, unpredictability and dark side of life.

There are more families than not who pride themselves on these extravagant movie theaters in their homes, setting up 11 reclining chairs placed perfectly in front of a flat screen television. It is always on, pumping people full of mindless and frantic chaos that is in every way addicting. But then you find yourself on the other end of 5 hours of staring at a screen, wondering what exactly was gained through the process. But what is interesting is that this pattern is lived over and over.

The television has become a central feature for distraction from life in general. A person comes home from a long day at work, stressed out over the economy or employee dynamic, and is only eager for something that will draw his/her mind away from actually thinking about it. Think about holidays...so much of what people associate with holidays are endless hours with family members centered around a television, all muted and focused in on a particular sports event or some glammed up program. Please don't misunderstand, I am a sucker for ABC.com and getting to watch free episodes, but as I always say...moderation. It isn't unhealthy to exercise opportunities to not think about the all consuming stress of the occupational world, but I believe that the manner in which Americans on the general go about it is what is detrimental.

Distraction also comes into play with the process of grieving. There is always that mentality of "just keep yourself busy," when dealing with the sickness or loss of someone else. We have become so deeply conditioned to believe that keeping ourselves busy as an opportunity to get through something is the preferred method. I do believe that marinating it isn't exactly the best approach ever, but I feel as though we have found ourselves on the far other end of the continuum, seeking out any opportunity to not have to think about the actual issues at hand.

I know that when my dear friend Eve Carson was killed a few months ago, I was encouraged by all parties to just stay busy, because then I would be able to progress forward with my life, and not have excessive opportunity to be sad. Well you know what I think? I say give each its due. Be sad, allow yourself to not be busy and really understand and appreciate those moments of vulnerability. They aren't as intimidating as we have made them out to be.

As Kahlil Gibran says, "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." I have always really resonated with this quote, because I used to live so much of my life afraid of what it meant to be anxious or depressed. But when I discovered that the more I actually lived those emotions and the lower I felt, the more joy I could contain in my own being. And I have lived both extremes. And his words are true.

I want to be the kind of person who doesn't run away from issues at hand. Everybody needs a break, I am a firm believer of that. But I don't think that avoidance is the answer. I feel like having the courage to acknowledge the pain and suffering makes it less powerful in my life. If I am able to really express and feel what I am scared of or anxious over, then those issues become surmountable.

like a hawk

2009-01-12T16:00:00.000-08:00

It is amazing when I look back at the last five to ten years or so of my life, and mark the progression that I have made regarding the relationship I have with myself and the relationship I have with the world around me.

When I was in high school, I was swept away by all of these needs to fill expectations that others had of me. I was preoccupied with doing whatever I could to be admired by the more sociable and attractive group. I stepped on people to get where I needed to go, and throughout all of it really lacking an astute awareness of the ways in which my actions would intimidate or instill fear in others.

When I reflect now, I become an interesting blend of remorseful and grateful. I am burdened by internal unrest I have potentially provoked in another, and curious if my actions had any long lasting effect. (I have always admired greatly the stamina of a person who is consistently ridiculed throughout their childhood and even into adulthood. There is an unbelievable test that those who are bullied are constantly taking, and passing. I found that even in the few times when I was publicly belittled, I was full of fear and anger, almost to the point of acting out on my heavy emotion. And I reflect on those people who withstand that hurricane for years without significant outburst). Sorry, sidenote.

I am though quite grateful that I had to experience that in order to learn the importance of each person having a beautiful uniqueness, and just because our shells appear to be different, that doesn't warrant my arrogance and need for personal ego fuel.

As part of this reflection, I marvel at my lack of awareness then and am humbled by awareness now. However, at times what it does do is propel me into watching my actions like a hawk. Really making sure that nothing is misinterpreted, I make sure that at the end of my days all relationships are on firm ground, and that I have contributed in whatever way--big or small. I think though that this imbalance isn't necessarily healthy, I should go from one extreme to the other, and find middle ground in the beauty of the fallible nature of humans.

So I feel as though I have ping pong balled between lack of and excessive awareness. I don't think yet I have found my completely comfortable middle ground. But I am searching for it, to have an open eye to my actions, but not excessive.

so many feel it, but so few say it

2009-01-09T15:07:00.001-08:00

I received one of the most beautiful letters in the mail today. I swear I think I was secretly meant to live in the time before email and phone communication, because there isn't much more that satisfies me than looking in the mailbox and seeing a letter from a friend.

The letter was an opportunity for a friend to express how much my place in his life had impacted him and he went into remarkable detail about how our time together had changed his life and served as a catalyst for him to "open his eyes" to the world.

It was a letter that stands on its own. I have never received anything quite like this before and it allowed me to realize something very important: I feel as though there are these people in my own life, who are changing me daily, forcing me to reach outside of my comfort zone, enlightening me, and expanding me. And I cherish them in my mind daily and appreciate them relentlessly. But this process sometimes exists internally.

Since I moved to Boulder, I have made it a point to verbally express to those around me the importance of their place in my life. I have found how critical it is this afternoon. No matter what we have going for ourselves and no matter how validated we "should feel," you have no idea what could be going on for someone on a daily basis. Anything could have gone wrong, a comment taken personally, or a mistake made that could potentially prevent someone from feeling whole on the inside.

Today I understand this mentality that so many people probably feel things about those around them: appreciation, gratitude, love, warmth...all of which probably aren't shared every time they are felt. And I don't necessarily feel that EVERY opportunity should be taken advantage of, I think that is a little much to ask. But I do encourage myself and everyone to speak it when you feel it as much as you can. Understand that we as people change when we realize we have changed someone else.

It accompanies this mentality of living fully and being conscious of your every waking moment, wanting it to be as much as it can be. Not needing to necessarily make gold out of every moment, but more an incorporation of breathing life into every moment. Sometimes those people who never seem like they need the validation are the ones who need it the most.

If you feel it, express it.

internalizing...

2009-01-07T11:04:00.001-08:00

There are so many different methods of coping. There are a thousand ways that one can manifest hurt, sorrow, pride, fear, happiness, etc...Usually the "negative" emotions (ones that cause pain, so in most people's minds are viewed as bad) are the ones that are internalized.

For me, especially in 2008, I have found myself internalizing what I am going through. There had come a point in my life at some point during this year, kind of in the midst of all of the turmoil of unexpected circumstance, where I just felt like my processessing it needed to come to a halt.

There were so many parts of my day that were filled with people asking how I was doing, how I was coping, where I was in my grieving process, who I was talking to about it, etc...and I found myself truly exhausted. Found myself going to the other extreme and talking about none of it. And I don't necessarily feel as though that should be the primary exhibition of coping, but I do feel that it should be listened to when needed. We as humans weren't meant to constantly be processing and being vocal. Sometimes being internally quiet will allow ourselves as individuals to discover what our needs are and what it is that is causing us sadness.

Another reason I feel that I have internalized so much of it is because there are so many people in my community who are so brutually aware of all of the things that are occurring that I am pretty consistently questioned. And I don't want to just identify as someone who is going through all of these things, and someone who is always suffering emotionally.

I do feel though it is dangerous to be unbalanced in navigating through life and its unpredictability. As with most things in life, everything in moderation. I don't feel as though excessively verbalizing or internalizing is conducive to prosperity.
So in my circumstance, I feel as though internalizing some of my storms is of benefit to both myself and those people around me. Like I said, there is an argument for communicating calm seas, even when turbulence is the only internal weather report.

am i effected?

2009-01-03T09:39:00.000-08:00

Those people who are closest to me in life have a unique opportunity to have a great impact through their words. So much of the time when I am explaining to friends and family the new people I am meeting and the new things I am experiencing, there is vast opportunity for reactions to play a role.

And especially when I have met new people...new men in particular, words have power. And I pay attention to the reactions of those people I cherish. Someone had asked me yesterday if the comments made by others on people I know and am close with have an impact on how I proceed forward.

In these situations, I feel as though it is very critical to examine the source of the comment. If I feel as though the person speaking is speaking words with malicious intent, I will acknowledge that. If I truly to see it as something "with my best interest" at heart, then I will acknowledge that. Therefore, I feel as though examining the source is critical.

It is difficult though to hear words spoken of someone that you are close to that aren't necessarily in a positive light, and not have your mind preoccupied by that planted seed. For me sometimes it will spin me into a cycle of examining my relationships and seeing if those qualities are actually there, instead of making the decisions and conclusions for myself.

This blog is short but important: I feel as though if we allow ourselves to be effected negatively by words of impression and expectation of other people, then we aren't confident in who we are inside. I realize that the line isn't so black and white, but in a sense it can be. We can allow or not allow those words to impact how we conduct our own relationships.

to the solstice

2008-12-30T15:38:00.000-08:00

There are few people in this world who are able to be who they are in all essence: pride for personal accomplishment, recognition of weakness, humbleness with the world, victim of love's storm, and a relentless heart.

Adam Simon is this. A man who I met three weeks before his move from Boulder to New Haven has allowed me to become opened to my truest internal working. He and I have formed a bond that seems almost indescribable in words. I will try my hardest to articulate what he means to me, but sometimes silence says more.

Here I am. At a frisbee tournament, not entirely sure of the impact that meeting Adam would have on me. Through superficial conversation and various social gatherings, Adam's demeanor and individuality stood out. In my first impression he came to me with genuine conversation, eager to understand me and my life. Through our couple of weeks together, the realization of this gem of a man was in front of me.

Music is where we draw a lot of commonality. He puts an incredible amount of energy into his music and appreciates every moment of it. In our last few days in Boulder together, we recorded two songs together. Those two songs I draw on nearly daily for they remind me of synchronicity between two people. There his voice is whenever I need it. And it brings me comfort like little else does.

A beautifully eloquent man in his writings of letters and songs, Adam expresses want and hurt and love through his words. A fellow lover of solstices, he and I share more than just a longing for more sunlight in the day.

This man listens. At 3am when I call crying because I have had my heart divided, he is there for me. No questions asked. No thought in my mind that I am inconveniencing him. He has a power in my life that he doesn't even realize.

He is my sunrise. In the morning, there are people that I think of. People who have expanded me, enlightened me, humored me, taught me, and loved me. Adam is high on this list. He is someone who I will grow old with. I appreciate him every morning when I see the beautiful sun paint its light pink hue on the flatirons in Boulder. He is there with me as I am blinded by the sun glistening in the snow. He is my coming home.

He knows my heart and he understands my love of the day. He knows who he is, and teaches me every day to know myself more. For you Adam, I am grateful. Thank you for your undeniable friendship. You are a light in my life and I love you dearly. Keep your head toward the sun and follow it through the day. As the months pass, the sunlight will shine longer. And...always choose a room facing east.

a time to reflect

2008-12-27T17:06:00.000-08:00

So here as promised is my blog a little while later after the heightened state of emotion has returned to baseline. I have thought so much about my experience over the last week and how it is impacting and changing me.

I realize after re-reading my last couple of blogs that I was experiencing such immense shame and doubt over my behavior that my words didn't express much other than that. I apologize for it, because there were other emotions circling in my mind. The morning after I wrote, my mother and I went to a friend's house for breakfast. It was difficult for me participating in all of these functions for the time that my mother was in Boulder because I felt as though our friendship had turned inside out. I felt like I was walking on egg shells but didn't want to be. I felt like I needed to judge myself and then ashamed that I would. I felt like I couldn't be carefree with her and joke around because I was behaving like a toddler. I didn't know who I was, and therefore was having such a difficult time relating to the people around me.

But as we arrived at this breakfast, I was speaking to the hostess as my mother was outside, and she was listening closely to my story and what I had to say. She told me something important initially and that was (not exact quote) "I hear your shame and doubt, and I see that you are going over in your mind how unfathomable it is to be back at square one. But I want you to replace those two emotions with gratefulness. Now is the moment to be truly thankful that you are so young and learning this lesson."

And how right she is. For the first time in my life, I found myself not marinating in the negative of how I was feeling because of my actions. I was finding it all but impossible to separate my behavior from who I was as a person. And all I could see in my view was how horribly I had acted, and how that made me feel. When instead, I feel as though it came at a critical time to examine the behavior, separate it from who Greer Van Dyck is at the core, and be thankful that from that point on, I would bloom into a new kind of flower.

So here I am right now. Able to reflect on those many emotions I was experiencing all at once during the week, speak again to my mother, come to a beautiful place with her, and really appreciate where I am now versus seven days ago. It is truly remarkable how within one shell I can change into so many things. I feel like my transformation and evolution is occurring daily. I said it in my first blog, every day is a lesson. But through that, it is critical to be one thing: grateful.

the new replacement

2008-12-21T15:05:00.000-08:00

I have to revise this post because I feel I have done myself a disservice by choosing to share and detail this oh so recent circumstance. My intense emotional state tainted this blog, but instead of deleting it and starting over, I feel as though it is important to communicate how I was feeling at a heightened state. However, I am eager to tell you that in a few days, I will write again on this experience...and then I will feel like I will truly be able to provide a genuine and calmer expression.
Out with the old, in with the revised, and at the moment treading water. I find myself at an interesting crossroads (shocker I know, it seems like I've come to about 2000000 crossroads in the last fifteen minutes). This one feels interestingly different though in the sense that there is familiarity. I left my floral landmark at this one crossroads two years ago, and I am upon it now and recognizing those flowers that I had placed so carefully on the bifurcation.

It is an odd reality feeling that I are now back where I had been once, with the intention of never being back. It doesn't feel like I am taking one step forward and two steps back, because even though it is the same demon, it has a different face. And for that, I am easy on myself.

Lying, cheating, manipulating, plotting, scaming...they all reside under a big veil of fear. To me it is almost a fear of not being okay in my own skin. It is a clear avoidance of being truly who I am, because there is a shell of disquietude. I broke through my shell of anxiety around cheating because that is the face my fear chose.

This time around, it seeped into my monetary livelihood. After being detached financially from my father (well for the most part), I took my relationship with money to a damaging extreme. I was so inclined to SAVE SAVE SAVE just because of being witness to poor behavior of excessive spending. I saw what debt did to people I loved. And in an attempt to never let that happen to me, I drove myself to the far other end of the continuum.

I was so far at the other end, that I would do ANYTHING (manipulate my loving family, lie to my mother's face whom I cherish to my last breath) to "keep a handle on my own war chest." I justified my behavior and took it as a survival mechanism, and that "if I was saving in the end, then it was good."

Well here I am now, coming to this oh so familiar crossroads and thinking...I am ashamed. I am guilty. I am a liar. So many emotions that I had marinated in during nursing school with my cheating loomed above me like a threatening storm. And instead of spending my precious time here on earth to relive that cycle, I am turning my shame and guilt into gratefulness. I am utterly grateful that I am 23 and learning this lesson for good. I am slowly beginning my journey to becoming genuinely selfless, but in order to be that...I had to have learned this lesson. I want to give what I have and more without concern. So I am embarking now, choosing again the high road at this oh so familiar turning point.

an hour of shame

2008-12-20T16:15:00.000-08:00

AT this one moment in time, I feel like a monster. I don't feel like a human in a way. An issue that I have really made an attempt to patch up in my life has really made its way back into my world and is standing at the forefront of my attention. I thought for two years that I had reached a point in my life where I was not in need any longer of lying to get "where I needed to go." I thought that there would never be another opportunity in my life where I would have to question my actions, feel that same sense of guilt that encompassed my being for so long.

And here I am. I feel like I am standing again at the lowest level of the staircase after having climbed and climbed for so long, only to look around me and see that I had made no progress at all. That I may as well have only just begun. That is how I feel at at least. Now I know in the depth of my heart that I'm not there. I know that what has happened is that I have come to the top of a very important staircase, and I know that upon completion of that flight I came to the footing of another very important flight of steps. And that is where I stand. If I look at my immediate surroundings, of course it appears as though I am at the bottom. It looks like I haven't even begun my journey when in fact I have jumped through the biggest loophole.

This next loophole may not be as big, but it is surrounded by fire. And its ability to burn and sting is much greater, and I feel much more intimidated.

Today I lied to my mother. I used my cunning abilities to avoid paying for my Christmas gifts. I pulled out the same tricks in my bag to avoid a fear. I was deviant and looking behind my shoulder, with anxiety and superstition looming above me. I took her for granted, I took advantage of her generous bounty. I took the good names of my mother and father and used them for my own selfish reasons. And here I stand on the edge of the cliff, looking down on the layers that I continuously shed from my shell.

After a conversation and a complete surrender, I find myself right now having learned such an ultimate lesson. That no matter who we think we are, and no matter how far we think we've come, we are able to trip and fall. We are able to surrender to the forces of the world. We are able to hurt those people in our world who are closest to us. I would give my life for my mother, I would take a bullet for her, and yet I am still able to hurt her in such a profound way. These realities are shocking and above all else intensifying very familiar feelings of shame and guilt.

However, the lesson is learned. And this will never happen again. So while I feel broken and a bit like I must relearn how to fly, I find myself afraid to step outside of my house and live as the newest version of myself. With that fear though I will step, and with those steps I will not hang my head.

to each bag his own

2008-12-15T15:44:00.000-08:00

Everyone has their own grocery bag of issues which can manifest as a paper bag without handles, a paper bag with handles, a plastic bag, or the new and ever so trendy re-usable version. They come in many forms and in many displays. There isn't one person who doesn't have them. I feel like the only opportunity one would take in saying they don't exist on an internal level is due to lack of self awareness.

And interestingly enough, I see these sometimes as faults in other people. I think of them negatively and when they are manifested in other people, I turn my nose up at them. And usually what will happen is I will see these things, and really internalize them. I will let them build and at that one moment where I feel the water is about to boil over the top of the pot, I will release it. But this is where I think that the problem arises: when I do feel the need to release it, it is very seldom to that person. It is usually to a confidant, someone else that I can trust with that information. But what am I really saying when I am releasing it?

I am judging it and labeling it. I am really expressing frustration for someone being nothing more than different from me. And the thing is I know I have these discrepencies, or grocery bags of issues too, so where do I find the right to act as though I am above it?

In this last instance, I have seen that I feel an enormous amount of perspective is really critical here. For we cannot judge something in someone else that we have within us as well. It isn't fair to be hypocritical. So here I am right now, having the opportunity to find the best balance for myself in handling my own and others' "bag of individuality."

I see myself here thinking about what is at the heart of human interaction. Each involvement that I have with someone allows me more and more insight into who they are at the core. And with that comes knowledge and wonder and excitement. And I come to the conclusion that: at the end of the day, everybody has their own bag. In my opinion, they are what make someone unique, so instead of judging and labeling them, I will take that negativity and transform it into something more beneficial. For me it isn't a matter of whether or not those elements are going to exist in someone else, for me it is about how I use them in my daily life that will be of benefit. And see these faults more of as treasures, for without them...there would be no adventure in interaction.

my confirmation #

2008-12-14T12:52:00.000-08:00

Life it isn't the same as going to the check in gate at the airport, typing in your confirmation number and having that security of knowing that all details related to your flight are going to fall into place. I feel like that one moment when my boarding ticket gets printed, there are no more fears related to me having actually scheduled my trip for a different day, a different time, or a different city.

Relationships, both romantic and friendly are more complex and dynamic like that. It is interesting because romantically speaking, I don't find myself necessarily needing that validation that the other person is there for me. I have felt this sense of calm relating to romance that what will happen will happen, and that my desire to control and understand all facets is a waste of energy. But I think so much of that is due to the fact that I have never truly had my heart broken. I have been side swiped (read two blogs ago), many times...but I don't think those emotions really come close to the feelings of having your heart truly split down the middle. That disbelief that your heart all of a sudden doesn't seem like part of your body.

With friendships though things are different for me now. And they have been different since the beginning of this year. I have realized why as well. I know that because of my experiences, I have understood and lived what it feels like to have friends taken from me in one fell swoop without me having an opportunity to say goodbye or question why. I feel like with my friendships and lives lost, I have been completely victim to the unpredictability of life and its beneficial but also detrimental power.

I have met incredible women and men through school and around my life in Boulder. And every day I feel privileged to be in the company of individuals who enlighten and expand me, make me break down with laughter, make me feel connected, make me ask those unanswerable questions, and make me feel human. And I am scared that one day they will be taken from me too.

But I cannot live this way, my mom used to reverberate this phrase "don't live afraid, just live smart." So here we go: this is one of the brilliant turning point moments where I can take those valuable sprouts of wisdom and incorporate them into my behavior. So I will cherish my friendship but not be paranoid that I will lose them, not be eager for confirmation of their authenticity. I know that I have nothing to be insecure about, and so I don't need a confirmation number here.

its not what you're like, but what you like that counts

2008-12-12T10:49:00.001-08:00

A phrase that sums up relationships right? There is a friend of mine lives in NY. And we have been emailing back and forth for a few months, and the topic of relationships came up.

And through his emailing me, he and I had been discussing this premise that in relationship, that connection is the desire. And that is true for me, I feel like I am picking my companion based on these feelings of synchronicity. But it is also something to be wary of, because presence of that connection doesn't necessarily lead to romance. Therefore, it is vital that the connection be examined for what it is. There are friendly soul mates and romantic soul mates.

But more importantly back to the title of the blog, its not what you're like, but what you like that counts. My friend in particular is really hard on himself regarding his own life's choices relating to past relationships. He isn't proud of who he is on the inside, which is so much what makes it difficult for him to open up and be vulnerable to women. He is afraid that when they finally see who he is on the inside, they will lose interest. And for me, I feel as though it is both important to see and understand what you're like and what you like in relationship.

In order for you to really understand what you want in this life, and specifically in relationship, you must see your inner working working. You must be able to respect your inner complexity and your neuroses. It is essential in order for us as humans to understand what we appreciate and value in our companion.

I feel like I am slowly learning to be opened to what I like in others that counts. What it is that I long for out of relationship. Is that connection that important to me or is it something that I have placed on this un-necessary throne? Is it something that has been pumped into me as being the ultimate goal in relationship? I feel like now is the time when I am searching the validity of the word "connection." Is it stimulated by an event between two people, is it a product of shared experience, is it simply there from the very beginning with no words spoken, or does it develop over years of shared time?

As of right now, I stand here. I want connection in my romantic companion. I want my partner to be someone that I would be elated to spend the rest of my life with. I feel this way because I have experienced it. I have felt those indescribable moments where there is nothing to say, but I know with confidence that it is felt for me too. So here I am.

I disagree with this statement, I don't feel like one part of it is more important than the other, I feel like they both work hand in hand in making our "relationship with relationship" as expansive as possible.

a divided heart

2008-12-08T14:50:00.000-08:00

My heart was divided yesterday. Divided by a man that I hardly even know. This division of the heart wasn't a crushing of it, but it was more than anything a separation of two halves. I met him a couple of weeks ago, quite a chance encounter. And through our initial meeting, I felt a connection. But I even mentioned this to friends of mine and communicated to them that no matter what...even if this spans no further than a friendship in the end, there is a bond. Something that I feel and I know he did too. And I was genuine in saying that I wouldn't be saddened if it didn't happen romantically for the two of us, because I am content in the fact that those unspoken kindred attachments are beyond sexual. They are a partnership for me. A counterpart.

This is an unexplainable feeling inside when you feel this soul connecting bond. There are no words, and to me I know in my heart that this feeling is too good for words. It blows words out of the water in that it permeates every inch of the soul and body. It gets into your bloodstream, you inhale it, it is felt beyond every sense. And before this point, I had only felt it once before in my life. Truly felt it. I was a junior in high school, and it was an unraveling of my heart. I felt as though I was a tight knit ball of yarn that was slowly being just pulled apart. In a beautifully wonderful and terrifying way.

Those connections to me stimulate the butterflies in my stomach to take full flight. They illuminate my mind and body in a giddy sense of being almost to where I am not walking, I am floating. And the more beautiful part of all of this isn't necessarily what I feel inside alone, but it is that acknowledgment from that other person who feels the same way and is floating with you. And for those periods of time of true connection with one another, nothing else exists.

Between two people, there are those silent expressions of affection. Words don't do it justice. There are the forehead to forehead silences, intensely tight hugs, brushes of cheek to cheek, a harmonious song played through the two minds. A simple eye glance expresses a world of feeling. Racing hearts and internal implosion. This song is what it feels like for me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYlHA2J0Bho.

These chance encounters are beautiful. They are intense in their processes and are so passionate and filled with beauty. This is what love is to me. That connection. It is beyond physical or needing to be physical. It isn't even that you and this other person are living in parallel, it is more like they are living in you. And you in them. The need for sexual intimacy almost doesn't exist in the beginning, because there is too much else to be preoccupied by. You are so infatuated by that feeling of energy.

It is glorious when those connections are discovered. It is difficult when the other person acknowledges them, but behaves in a "practical" manner, doing what is honorable to a previous ingrained relationship. I am respectful, but yet my heart is still divided. So I have hope that those connections exist and will continue on my path of exploration of this world. I wouldn't take that experience back for anything in this world.

synchronicity

2008-12-07T21:21:00.001-08:00

I have made a great new friend and is he in my program at school, but we have always kind of existed on the periphery of each other's lives, without really diving deeply into each others worlds. It has been interesting, and I love these kinds of friendships. For months, the two of us would kind of observe and admire one another, always deeply interested in what the other was thinking or doing at any given moment, or wondering what the other person's life consisted of outside of school.

Anyway, finally we decided to take the plunge and actually have a real full on conversation outside of school. It was huge. And it became confirmed why I am so intrigued by this person. He really is fantastic.

But we started getting on the topic of synchronistic experiences. And I really didn't understand what he meant by them, but after us dissecting what they were, I realized that so much of my life in the past few years has been filled with them.

Most profoundly have been the events after nursing school and before naropa university and everything in between. I realize that the string of processes that I went through in order to get to where I am today are touching for me because I feel like there were so many stepping stones.

Because I didn't pass my nursing board each time, I was forced after that last and arduous time of it to really take an opportunity to look inward. I was exhausted and truly disinterested in "overwhelming this one with hard work." It just was beginning to feel like there were things in my life for me other than nursing. All of a sudden, my contribution to society wasn't going to be at the bedside. And I was terrified of that. But this was my opportunity to do one of two things: I could have allowed myself to be terrified and feel it, or I could have tried with all of my might to avoid feeling it and make my place at the beside. I chose the former. So there was my first part in this synchronistic experience. I let life lead me.

And then I had my two roommates last year who did their undergrad at Naropa. And these are two of the most fantastic women I've ever met. So full of heart and spirit. And they introduced me to what Naropa taught them. And I didn't realize it at the time, but I was hooked. Hooked on the opportunity there for me to be expanded.

So I was looking on the internet a few months back, and stumbled on the program that I am now in. And in the description of what the Transpersonal Counseling Psychology degree, I felt that it was right. It was exactly what I was looking for. It found me. So a month or so after that I was having lunch with a friend, who was helping me sort out the dilemma of applying or not. It was a matter of having to potentially hae to take three prerequisites over the summer. Not enthusiastic about that. But she told me to try it, what was the worst that could happen? I listened. Two weeks later, I was in.

Synchronistic experiences are doubled sided. They are those developments in our lives that place experiences, people, etc in our path and it is just a question of what we do with those opportunities. I don't see it as coincidence, I see it as an element of fate. Not necessarily that someone of a higher power was leading me to Naropa, but through life...Naropa found me. And he I am, in a position that I never thought I would be in. So we must listen to what is placed in front of us, see and understand it, be open and willing to it, embrace it. I am thankful every day now that I was these things, because without it, I may still be trying to force a path on myself for someone else's sake.

projections

2008-12-05T11:21:00.000-08:00

There are so many things that I am learning around the idea of projections. I am discovering how much of my (and our) behavior is really controlled by projections. I am seeing how they limit my own interaction with others and myself. I am really finding which are truest to me and which are merely a result of external influence. And lastly, I am really being humbled by their presence and curious of their complexity.

I am seeing right now that from the moment we are born, there are influences that are coming from society, parents, friends, etc. And those influences are stimulating humans to form "interjections" which are otherwise known as internalized stories, tapes, whatever you want to call them. But these stories are internalized messages that we take with us everywhere, these impressions of how we believe certain types of people are, what experiences are going to be, what the world is comprised of. And I have seen that throughout my childhood and adulthood, my behavior has been...in part due to these internalized messages that I have carried along with me. And so much of what these projections stem off of is experience. So for example say that I have a really bad experience at Starbucks (why would I be in Starbucks in the first place? GO LOCAL!). My internalized message then would be that all Starbucks will produce a negative experience, so I will just avoid them on the general.

This is an example where my projections on people, environments, and experiences can prove to be limiting. Unfortunately, I know that I have surrendered to my projections but now feel as though I am at an advantage because there is now an awareness of how pervasive they are, and more importantly that they don't need to be.

I reflect though and I see that so much negativity that I had projected onto other people, or kinds of people I should say would therefore prevent me from having an enriched experience, because my own manifestation of surrendering to my projections is avoidance. In the past, if I feel negatively about a certain environment, I would have avoided it completely.

So here is where an interesting juncture comes in my development. Since my awareness of these projections and their strength is in the forefront of my mind, now is the time to really discriminate between what is exclusively a product of influence, and what is at the heart of me. And for me that deserves introspection and an opportunity to allow moments arise where projections surface. And then from there determine how to behave in a manner that is truest for Greer. I feel as though these projections are worth engaging. I feel as though the pulling apart genuine versus enforced will really allow an individual to reach a deeper level of authenticity.

loosening the reigns

2008-12-02T19:35:00.001-08:00

I have been struggling with this control issue for a little while, and I feel as though I've talked about it throughout some of my blogs. And there are two main areas in which my need for control is the most profound: exercise and money.

There it is. Something that I have been so afraid to admit to for so long, but there it is staring at me in the face. Well it is staring at me through cyber space. But never the less, here are two areas where I feel pressured. Pressured by structure that I place on myself, I make rules for myself...it is interesting how it has gotten to the point that it has without me having such an awareness of it.

Well it isn't so much that I didn't have an awareness of it, but it was more of I didn't have an awareness of how much it was impacting me. It was almost as if the water level had reached to my nose and I didn't even know the water was rising. Not really that exaggerated because I can still breathe :-) but interestingly enough, the metaphor fits.

But here I am now, and I am so deeply aware of how these habitual patterns of mine have gotten me to this point. And that is really where it is rooted. We are influenced by so many factors: parents, friends, society, institutions that all plant these seeds in our mind of what it means to live a structured life.

And since my life before these cycles started wasn't necessarily as structured other than the influence of my parents and the rules they placed on me, I was a little bit lost as to where I should start. And then it isn't a few years down the road that I realize my life is a big pattern.

A pattern of structure and pressure that I put on myself (mainly in just the two areas listed above). But in those two areas, it is pervasive enough that I want to change this behavior in all areas. I want my life to be structured of course, but I want there to be the opportunity to let my wings fly. For me to live. And really live.

The structure I feel is good and bad. It allows me to know my limitations and understand my boundaries, but then again I feel as though it places un necessary boundaries around me and my abilities. It places stress on my body and mind that isn't deserved. I long to feel a more vivid sense of freedom in these two areas. And I know that with awareness comes opportunity for change.

So I will be patient with the process, and know that with time my wings will span and I will soar.

the world of feminism

2008-11-30T09:07:00.000-08:00

I attended this fantastic live showing of a tv show that is in the process of broadcasting 6 pilot episodes with the ope and dream that hey will one day be part of mainstream television. Well, I went with one of my newest and dearest friends and our night consisted of remarkably good Thai cuisine, this live broadcast, and then wonderful wine and dessert. But I was reflecting on what was my favorite part of the show, and there was an interview portion of the hour long program where the host, Stuart Davis (google him...he's fantastic) actually brought his two daughters' godmothers to answer questions. And these two women, from the moment they walked up on the stage, resonated wisdom and knowledge.

So the topic of last night's discussion was Feminism. And really what Stuart Davis was hoping to get from these women was the role that feminism plays in each of us. He was discussing his own role in teaching his two daughters their place in this world and how to keep them from surrendering to the influences that society has placed on both men and women.

But the part that I loved the most was an opinion that there should be much more emphasis on teaching the importance of the realization to young women that there should be no reason to surrender in any form. There should be no point in a woman's life where she should ever feel as though succumbing to what men, society, and institutions desire is acceptable. One of the god mothers was so confident in her believing that every woman, no matter what age, has the power to say no. And that really got into me. I was reflecting while I was listening to these interviews and realizing that from a young age, I was shown how powerful I was as a woman. And I truly didn't realize how critical that upbringing was until I was seated in this audience and listening. Because it was at that moment, that I felt so comfortable in where I was as a woman.

But there is so much heat centered around feminism. I feel like the majority of people when they hear that word think of crusades and marches, fighting for the right to have a voice and the right to vote. But feminism isn't something that only lives in women. It is something that lives in men, but I feel as a culture men are afraid of letting their feminine edge be expressed. But I think men expressing these polarities allow themselves to be connected with women on a much more profound level. And this coin has two sides, because I feel as though it is critical as women to have our masculinities as part of our femininity.

Feminism for me today lives in the now. We are one of very few societies today where women are actually able to go anywhere in the country and say and do whatever feels natural. That in and of itself is empowering. So feminism for me right now is the feeling internally that I can be and do ANYTHING. It isn't about this in your face mentality of women reigning supreme and me feeling like it needs to blasted on the loudspeaker. It is about equality but keeping the internal fire alive. I am a strong woman with fierceness yet gentility. I really do believe that for me the best balance is allowing my feminine side to run the show, but keeping enough room for the bear in me. Maybe I am just a bear with a bow.

thanks to the giving

2008-11-27T14:21:00.000-08:00

Oh the day of giving thanks. Here I am doing a little bit of reflection...shocker. But realizing that my god there is so much in this world that I have to be thankful for. I was catching up with my beautiful friend Eve tonight and we were discussing some of the life changes she is going through right now. And what is so amazing about her is that she gets so passionately and internally involved with her process that all she can do is talk and talk and explore her mind and navigate her emotions. But in the meantime, while dealing with all of these changes going on in and around her, she wants a turtle. And not just any turtle, a miniature turtle, even though--unbenownced to her, miniature turtles don't exist. Those are just baby turtles. But she has decided against this marvelous idea, because turtles live to be about 100 years old. And I made a comment in return to her statement on the longevity of turtles, and I said..."you CAN'T get a turtle now, because then it would outlive us!" And as I mentioned that, I became scared.

I became scared of not being alive all of a sudden, I became so consumed for about 10 seconds over this reality that it was almost all overpowering. It was bizarre, and it made me realize that no matter what, there is so much beauty in this world that I feel deserves recognition.

I love that I have this incredible set of courses that I am taking right now that is challenging me and expanding me as an individual more than I have ever experienced in my life. I love that I have an adoring family that calls and reaches out to me 200000 times a day (sometimes too often). I love that whenever I walk into my room, it is warm because I love being warm. I love that I have friends that I can count on to be there for me when I need them. I love that whenever I walk into my work office, I can guarantee that I will laugh for 90% of the time. I love that I live in a town where the backyard is breathtakingly beautiful. I love that coffee now comes with a intricate design woven into the foam. I love that people stop and say genuinely say hello to one another. I love that I am comfortable with who I am as a human being so that I don't have to ask those unanswerable questions regarding my identity (at least for the moment). I love that my mother still comes and wakes me up in the morning when I'm home and lies beside me until I am awake. And I love even more that when I get up, she asks me for 5 more minutes. I love that my father loves to spend his day on his back porch reading with a glass of wine and the sounds of the creek. I love that I have a brand new nephew who is two months old who I don't even know very well and am already obsessed with. I love that people read this blog. I love that even though I have had a rough stretch of it, I still find beauty in the day. I love that I can still think of those people I have lost with fondness and smiles. I love that I still knit and hook rugs. I love that I still do paint by numbers. I love vintage t-shirts. I love nutella. I love the day and the clear sky. I love that there is a paragraph that I have already written on things I love and that I could still go on.

I won't though. Because I feel like filling you with things that I love and am thankful for, isn't really as meaningful to each of you personally. So think about what you are thankful for, and what you love in this world. And express it in whatever way you feel appropriate. There is so much beauty in the simplicity of the day. But I feel it is important to both see and feel that beauty. It is the simple beauty that in my mind is the truest.

the value of my values

2008-11-25T11:01:00.001-08:00

So here I am sitting in class, and we are discussing the dynamic of personal values, and how we want to communicate them in our every day life. I am seeing that throughout my life, so many of the values that I have gathered over the years have been a combination of personal intuition and of societal and familial influence. There are a lot of "shoulds" that we receive from our parents.
I feel as though in order to life the richest and fullest life, we must be able to tap into what matters to us at the core. We should (ha, pun intended) take into consideration what things mean to us and not what they mean to us through the eyes of another.
I feel as though we are so good at convincing ourselves that our morals and values come from within, when really if we stand alone from our upbringing and our environment, we will see that our truest importances in this life are different. Through time, I feel like genuine versus not-so-genuine values will really begin to separate...because with each individual, he/she is going to know the feeling when they aren't acting for themselves and will feel that void when they have to question their own behaviors. I have been there for sure. And I know exactly what it is like to have values that aren't mine.
Right now I have a very strong set of values: importance of family, honesty, loyalty, genuineness. But that list has been edited. There were many other values that were tacked on which represented a big part of my life before I became in connection with my own inner persona. And they were: the importance of status, perfection, popularity, success, and money.
I want to share how experiences have allowed me to leave these behind...I do feel like these came from a myriad of influences, but through time and suffering, these somehow got left behind. With my past relationship with cheating through school, that final awareness of how my actions and behaviors were not only shattering me but the people around me, I realized that status just wasn't worth it. All of a sudden I didn't need to be the best, because the road I was taking to get there was painful enough. With perfectionism, through time and maturity, I began to marvel at the human flaw. In high school, I learned that my favorite people weren't the most popular ones, they were the ones who were authentic. They were exactly who they were, and nothing more. And for that, popularity and the need for attention faded. Money isn't a priority, I do want to be successful in my life, but only because it will allow me to do the things that I love and have the richest of experiences.
So here I am, now that I have shed off those values that aren't mine and have finally begun to acquire my own "treasure chest" of what will make me the truest Greer. Discover what your own values are, and not the values for someone else...only the ones for yourself.

my west side story

2008-11-23T07:19:00.000-08:00

So here I am…sitting on the plane coming from Atlanta, GA where I spent the weekend absorbed with wedding fun. My dear friend from high school whom I hadn’t seen in 5 or so years was getting married in my home town and it was a great opportunity for me to see friends who normally don’t fall in my path. Therefore, I was excited. So excited. So through it all, I came to see that many people were doing such interesting things with their lives. And in return, I was asked what I was up to. Now this is a question that I hear on the general about once a week, so I have my little elevator version of “what I’m up to.” And I was talking with one woman in particular who was curious as to how I ended up in Boulder, and ended up in Counseling Psychology.
She initiated the conversation with, “so how is being a nurse?” And I found myself giving a sigh only to communicate to her that nursing was absolutely not what I was up to. So I began with where the two of us had left off. She was aware that I had graduated from nursing school about a year and a half ago, but after that point, things got cloudy. So I told her my truest feelings on my exposure to western medicine, and my pursuit down discovery of new horizons.
So here I am…what happened to get me to where I am today? I spent my undergraduate experience traveling down a road that I was ambivalent about. But seeing as though I wasn’t aware of what it meant to be passionate about a profession, I pressed forward keeping in mind that “school isn’t the job.” And so I graduated with a western impression of health care, which encompassed a myriad of prescription medication, technological advancements, and surgical intervention. Now through my personal experience, I went through significant internal turmoil (like those of you who read this blog didn’t know that) and didn’t feel like I had any substantial outlet to allay my fears and anxieties. Until I graduated and went home. So in a two month intensive with a marriage counselor (that was the only way I was going to agree to go to therapy if I was seeing someone who wasn’t “a professional in my area of need”), my struggles were really brought to the service, and in my mind significant progress was made. And this progress was made only through conversation. No pills. I had been instructed to take the prescription medication route, and yes while it did alleviate the symptoms of my unrest, the root of the problems were not being addressed.
So I moved to Boulder, and in that time, I discovered a program called Naropa. I was a little apprehensive about re-entering into the world of health care in any way because I was dissatisfied on the whole with western practice. And I really only mean this from a mental health standpoint, because frankly our advancement makes life possible. But from a counseling perspective, we have much work to do. Well I did a little bit of research on my program of interest and discovered that this area incorporates both eastern and western medicine in an attempt to communicate that there is a time and a place for both. It is so individual to each client. There is sometimes dire need for medication, so that a person can be given the relief to acknowledge and work through unrest.
But in my mind, we are a band-aid oriented culture. We are so eager to mask a symptom and so craving of being “pain free,” that we are willing to prescribe medicine like its candy.
So here I stand, about to finish my first semester of this Masters in Counseling Psychology, to say that there is no need to have an east versus west where one is better than the other. Lets as humans allow both of them to share the space and show their strengths on their own.

birthday cheer

2008-11-19T10:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Eve,

I know that my birthday card to you is a day late. We both know how much I hate being late, and we both know that you weren't always the greatest about being on time :-) But that all doesn't matter now, because on this day...it is yours. I have been reflecting on our childhood together, our camping trips in the snow, our hikes through the north Georgia mountains with our parents, our partnership on the chess team...the list goes on and on. But there is something else that I want to remember today. Today you are 23. Your spirit is 23.
When we were younger, we did lead lives of innocence and glory. We were infatuated with learning good things and getting our feet dirty. You always taught me the beauty of being interested in the world around us, and you through your own bright eyed wonder allowed me to see that this world is full of so much life and beauty.
But this birthday cheer seems different. This time around I can't give you my card personally and see you respond with that luminous smile and yell, "awwwww Greerie," and you know what...it is okay. For the first time in a long time, that is okay. I can't sit with you now over coffee and discuss the complexity of our thought processes, I won't be able to sit across from you and listen to your detailed analysis of a pretty simple experience. I will miss that, but I'm okay.
And this is the other thing, I know that you are okay. I don't know where you are, but something inside tells me that you are fine. And I feel that every day when I think of you and remember your life. I watched YouTube videos of you for a while yesterday just because I needed to see you alive. You were so precious in your description of the student government offices, and you were so excited to share with everyone what you were going to provide the school.
And that was good for me to see you happy. So that is how I am going to remember you. And on your 23rd birthday, I will light a candle and celebrate. You are my heart darling bird. I love you and miss you.

Happy Birthday

my cocoon

2008-11-13T21:14:00.001-08:00

There are those moments in everyone's life where there is a moment of threat to a person's emotional or physical being. That is not unique. What is unique though is how people handle that feeling of being threatened, and how it manifests. Each person has his or her own cocoon.

A cocoon is a retreat, it is a place of safety and seclusion, and it can take many forms. In class very recently, a teacher asked about animals defense mechanisms when there is a perception of imminent danger. For example there is the turtle who pulls all external limbs and the head inward. There is the porcupine who fans out an array of sharp quills so that nobody will come near. There is the chameleon who blends in with its environment so that i cannot be detected. And the list goes on and on. And even though the manifestation of coping is unique, each one of these animals behaves in a way to avoid further feeling of danger.

And that makes me think about my own personal cocoon and makes me realize that sometimes humans and animals are so interconnected. There is so much commonality in behavior that I find truly spiritual.

For me, when I perceive danger...I find there to be a distinction from what I want to do and what I actually do. So for me in this year of 2008, I have absolutely suffered. Suffered in ways that I didn't think I could handle. And throughout it all, I have had the overwhelming urge to retreat to my room, turn off the light, get under my covers, and forget the day. I would feel so incredibly empty inside, that it didn't feel like there was anyone on the planet who could help me fill my void. I would dream of going to sleep and waking up years later, so that the memories of my hurt would be distant.

But I found myself fighting that. Which now on reflection I am wondering if it was good or bad. At the time, I felt like fighting it was the right thing to do, I was so scared to retreat into the darkness and hermit into my own shell, because I thought I would never be able to escape it. So I pressed through it. But now I believe that I would have come out of the darkness and into the light eventually so maybe I should have allowed my body to live what it wanted.

But irrelevant, I didn't. And I filled my time with the people and things that I love . So I broke through my cocoon and wanted to appreciate the lessons I had been taught about the sanctity and delicacy of life. We all have our cocoons. And we all have our ways of dealing with actual or perceived danger. But it is our relationship with our cocoon that makes the difference.

how do i feel?

2008-11-13T12:51:00.001-08:00

Today in my favorite class, Human Growth and Development, we had a guest speaker. Think that our teacher decided to bail on the same day as class registration coincidentally? I think not. People get so stressed out here when getting class schedules that half the class was 20 minutes late. Our teacher wouldn't have had that. But for me, I was so excited to meet this new speaker. Her name is Victoria and she spoke on Death and Dying.

Now this is a topic for me that as of late has many emotions circling around it. There are two main parts that I want to talk about though: my own feelings towards it, and my own process when confronted by it.

My own feelings toward it: for so much of my life, I have given the impression that I wasn't afraid of it. "I see it as inevitable, therefore what is there to be scared of?" That is what I used to say to people when asked my personal opinion. When really that is a lie. I am terrified of it. I am terrified that my days will end. I am terrified that I will miss out on experiences. I am scared that my loved ones will have to suffer my loss. There is so much unknown wrapped up in death that gives me anxiety. Not necessarily anxiety of where I will go, but more anxiety that my life as it is now will be no more. And today I admitted it. I told my class that until this point, I misrepresented myself and that I was ready to set the record straight. I don't find sanctity in the unknown.

This year, I have suffered a great deal of death around me. And it hasn't been the kind of passing on that is expected and acknowledged. It was harsh, violent, unexpected, devastating, piercing, saddening, and lonely. It forced so many emotions into my personal space that I didn't anticipate. I wasn't given the opportunity to say good bye to the people I love and therefore when I think of death, unfortunately right now for me, I only see darkness. Which leads me to my next topic...

My own process when confronted with death: I think I have rushed my grieving process this year. With all that has happened and all that has been laid in my path, I haven't given each individual circumstance its due. I have felt so much sadness surrounding the entirety of it. So much exhaustion from the relentlessness that I just wanted to bundle all of the deaths together and grieve them all at once. And after I had grieved them, then I just forced myself to see the beauty in them. Which isn't necessarily wrong or bad, I just feel it isn't complete to who I am. I shouldn't be so quick to "take gifts" from my unfortunate circumstance. I should in my opinion give the mourning just as much ability of expression. Because it is the completion of mourning which transforms into the receiving of gifts.

The two work hand in hand. And death yes is an unknown, but I feel like I have the most LIFE in me when I am able to truly and genuinely understand my relationship with DEATH.

every single process

2008-11-10T13:08:00.000-08:00

It seems as though these days every day has been a transformation for me in some regard. I haven't really realized it until a few months ago, but the change that is occurring within me on a daily basis is pretty interesting to me. Has it always been that way, and I just didn't have as much self awareness to realize it? Or have certain events and circumstances in my life just provided a catalyst for more change?

Who is to know. But it is interesting to know right now how much is brewing side at any given moment. I feel like each interaction with someone, each work opportunity and each class period is leaving me with new layers of myself to uncover and new thoughts to marinate in.

But it is interesting in the sense that each time I feel like I have gone through an individual digging process, for a brief moment in time I feel clarity and feel like I have really gotten to the depth of me. And then a new opportunity for self growth emerges and there are yet other layers to uncover. It is remarkable, each human literally has millions of layers of complexity. And everybody does. Now whether we have the chance or even desire to do the digging is individual. Not everybody has one or either.

But it does arise questions in me. With regard to each of these processes, are any of them more true than the other? It seems as though right now I can generally categorize these years of my life as "processing years," and mainly I feel it is due to where I am in school and what I am studying. But never the less, I truly felt as though when I finished nursing school and for the few months after, I was done for the moment with heavy processing. And then I started at Naropa University, and it started all over again. So should there be any reason for me to discount what happened to me then? I did for a little while for some reason, I was just feeling as though the current "digging" was the most true. And for a second forgot to appreciate the past "digging."

The digging isn't painless though. And for that reason, sometimes we forget to appreciate the process because we as a society are so inclined and eager to avoid the pain and release it from our conscious and memory. And therefore, we may then forget the journey. But here, marinate in the pain. Know that this kind of pain, is good pain. This is the pain that stimulates change, and encourages transformation.

All of these self transformations contains such a plethora of truth and foundation. Each one allows for the next to happen. It is the staircase of life. I read a quote a few days ago that I really loved: don't just stare at the steps, step up the stairs." So step up through each of these processes and appreciate every single moment. They make you who you are today. No single step should be left unattended and unacknowledged. They hold so much significance and importance. Remember the journey, don't just appreciate the finish line.

making space

2008-11-07T13:06:00.000-08:00

At the moment, I am struggling with a dilemma. When I lived in Athens, my life was much different than it is now. When I moved to Augusta, my life changed yet again. A huge change occurred when I moved to Boulder. And now that I am a grad student in Boulder, shocker it is transforming another time.

And I have noticed throughout each transition that there is one commonality: there are facets of my personality which get the opportunity to be expressed more greatly than others during each of these periods of time. When I lived in Athens, my life as an undergraduate student was relatively carefree. I was in school, on my nursing path, working at Five and Ten on the weekends, meeting a ton of new people, and having tons of time to explore what I loved and do what I enjoyed. When I moved to Augusta, my priorities changed. It wasn't necessarily about having a ton of time for me anymore, my life was school. It was IV's, and bed baths, conversations with patients, SOAP notes (look that up), all white shoes, and clinicals. During my two years there, I did yes have the opportunity to play my sports, but honestly I was so unhappy in Augusta, that I spent my weekends back and forth between there and Athens, to find some shred of a life that I loved. (The only joys Augusta really brought me were a small handful of people and intramural soccer and flag football).

Eager for change, I moved to Boulder. Then my life became about outdoors and filler jobs. It was different for me, because I wasn't consumed by school all of a sudden and I did have more free time, but some daily pleasures that I loved from home (relaxation in the sun with sweet tea, humidity, knitting with my mom and her friends, etc) I didn't have. And I found that the face of Greer was changing. Personality traits of mine were emerging and I realized that I had such a passion for outdoors. That I feel was under the surface for so long just didn't have the chance to be expressed. But in a sense, I left behind so much of the Southern Greer. There are so many small blips of who I was that slowly were hidden.

And then I entered into school, and that is when this whole awareness really came to my mind. My life right now is a ping pong game. I am bouncing constantly between school and its obligations, work and its responsibilities, and social engagements. I am not complaining, but yet again...change. But for the first time, I was sitting with a friend realizing that I don't knit anymore. I don't make sweet tea or granola like I used to. I don't wear crazy socks when the mood strikes me (that is a weird example I know), but it is just a way to explain that many of the small facets that make up Madeline Greer Van Dyck have in some way or another fallen through the cracks.

So as I write this blog, I am listening to Frank Sinatra. REALLY LOUD. And that is something that I used to always do. I am going to take my basket of really weird hats and put them back in my car where they used to be (and depending on what mood I'm in, I'll wear the appropriate hat while I'm driving), I am going to go to the yarn store and make mittens. I am going to go buy oats and make my granola. I am going to hook another rug. I am going to do paint by numbers. I am going to journal by the river. I am going to write to my grandmother. I am going to bring the South back to me.

And this blog is an opportunity for me to tell you that no matter where we are in our lives, we are changing. We are evolving daily. But that evolution doesn't mean that elements of your personality should fall by the way side. It is a chance for incorporation of the old and new. Bring back to yourself what you feel has gotten swept under the rug. Change is great, and change is where I am in my life, but remember the old. I want to make space for all of me.

without comparison

2008-11-05T11:22:00.000-08:00

I have discovered what it is about the Special Olympics that makes it so magnificent. The whole competitive edge, the comparisons between participants is totally eliminated. I feel as though such a vital lesson can be learned here.

We race through life living a mentality that can be very selfish. So much of the time I feel myself having run the course of my days doing whatever I could to make myself feel good, on top, whatever I could do to stand out.

I have seen that so much of my life for the past few years, until I hit a wall of self realization, was for the expectation of others. I was so impacted and consumed with my personal success and how it measured up to the successes of others.

It is the same thing, and it starts so young even. Take the classroom scenario for example. There are a group of middle school students who are receiving tests back. And immediately, before each one looks at their own score, they look at the scores of the students around them. So this isn't something that only adults manifest. This is something instilled in us even as little sprouts.

What does that competition and comparison bring though honestly? The way I see it is this: a little competition in your life motivates you to be the best that you can be. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but when pushed to far and when it has the potential to dominate elements of your life, and you find yourself compromising your own self to achieve certain standards, there is trouble on the horizon.

In my opinion, comparison is dangerous. I feel as though when we as individuals begin to compare, then we are not yet living for our own personal satisfaction, or better yet we don't even know what our own personal satisfaction is. In my life, I have allowed my sense of competition to get the better of me, but for me I wasn't necessarily competing with others, it was more of a battle within myself.

I had formed these preconceived notions of what I thought my "best" was, and I had this impression of where I wanted to get and how I wasn't going to let anyone stand in my way. This was manifested most prominently in my schoolwork and that is when the cheating began. The grades gotten on my own weren't good enough. But this is the interesting thing, I didn't even know what it was that I wanted. I just knew that the work on my own was sub-par.

It is amazing how we can form these habits and take them to the extreme, for me it was such an undeniable sense of competition that had totally consumed me, my body, and my mind. Until that moment of realization, and I found that me striving for this unknowable goal is just an un winnable battle that I don't even have to overcome.

So here I am. And I look at the Special Olympics famous scene: one man on the track trips and every participant stops to help him up. It isn't about winning anymore. Let go as much of hte competition and comparison as you can, for it isn't what matters at the end of the day. For those in the Special Olympics it never was. It is about the process of life that we develop and grow through together.

suffering...

2008-11-01T18:48:00.000-07:00

There is something interesting about suffering. When I find myself in the midst of a painful emotional experience, all I can feel is the hurt. All I can focus on is the present and I pretty much do not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

It is very difficult to do otherwise, but I feel as though in retrospect I appreciate it. I appreciate it because that pain and difficulty stretches me and tests me. It forces me to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. It enables me to appreciate times in my life when I am not suffering.

I feel as though so many people fall surrender to the dynamic of suffering. It penetrates the soul and mind in ways that we didn't know possible. Yet on the other end, there is calm in the sea.

So here it is, I remember being in the throws of grieving a loss not too long ago and being curious and scared that my life would never be peaceful. I resented those periods when I felt like I was doing nothing but mourning a loss or being preoccupied with sadness. There are those moments of truly marinating in the hurt and feeling the penetration so deep that you genuinely don't feel like that kind of heaviness can lift.

Then I came to a realization. It is those lengthy periods of suffering that truly have made me into the person that I am today. I have seen the benefits of suffering manifest in my daily life and in my relationships. If someone comes to me with a problem or concern that parallels in any way something that I have experienced, I can show extreme empathy. I have such a deep and profound respect for those who can acknowledge suffering and try and work through it.

In the past being with people who were suffering made me uncomfortable. Often enough I became nervous that they had emotionally traveled to a place I didn't understand. And now, I become sympathetic. I become more connected.

When I come to the last of my days, I want to look back on my life and appreciate those times of suffering because they have indeed made me strong and whole. They have made me human. So appreciate the hard months and years. Don't be intimidated by them. Also keep the optimism that they are represent a part of your life, they don't make up your life. I mean, if you think about it, what would life be like without any suffering? It would be boring and mundane and challenge free.

silver and gold

2008-10-24T19:02:00.001-07:00

Since I am in the mode of talking about my jewelry, here is part 2. I don't wear a ton of jewerly. But there are a few pieces that as of right now, I refuse to take off. The next piece I want to talk about is a bracelet that stays on my right wrist, pretty much through all things. Unless I'm sleeping, its on.

It has particular significance in my life and relates to the sanctity of friends. Here is how it came to be. My mother for as long as I can remember wore these two bracelets side by side, one was silver and the other was gold. I constantly told her that I wanted to have two for myself, they were hammered jewelry to create this beautiful look. And I remembered throughout my days they would clink together.

Anyway, right before I moved to Colorado we were really discussing this idea of the two of us getting the same ones so that I could remember her always, and we took them to the jewelers to get priced and needless to say...making duplicates just wasn't an option. NO WAY.

So this is the conclusion we came to. She had a duplicate of the silver bracelet made and cut the gold one in half, and had them molded together to make one bracelet. So one day I came home and found this beautiful new bracelet in my mailbox. It is so remarkable how attached I can feel to her even though she is so far away.

The two components of friendship are: the silver and the gold. And when they come together, there is true unity in the relationship. For me, I have discovered that I have finally made the friends that I have been longing for my entire life. Don't misunderstand, I have had beautiful friends in my life, cherished friends, but never had them in the same town as me. They have always been living other places, so that our time together was exquisite, but definitely infrequent.

Finally here in Boulder I have found those beautiful men and women who give the same energy in friendships that I give. They care for me, and affirm our connection. I have found that I need that. I encourage everyone never to settle in friendships. They are our chosen family and we all deserve to have the most incredible chosen family.

creating that container

2008-10-24T18:53:00.001-07:00

So much of my coursework in this one particular class has been about "creating a bigger container." To further bring readers out of the dark on that statement, the theory behind the concept is that we control so much of the time our emotional state. We have the ability to welcome emotion or turn it away.

My classes have really emphasized the importance of recognizing emotions that surface and not just acknowledge that they are there, but really embrace them. But why in the world would I want to embrace anxiety or fear? Why would I want to welcome those painful experiences? Well, here is the reason why...we as a culture have put these "negative" emotions on a throne of sorts because we are so afraid of them. We give them a power that they don't even necessarily have or deserve.

And so creating a bigger container is an opportunity for people to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. For a few months during nursing school, I experienced anxieties that were all but unbearable. I went through so many days of worry, fear of the future, sleepless nights, and saw that both my mind and body were suffering greatly. Only on retrospect though was I able to appreciate that so much of the reason these anxieties were so "unbearable" was because I was more afraid of them than anything. They were unfamiliar to me. And so in an attempt to be relieved, I tried to run away from them and eliminate them from my life. Whether it be through taking benadryl to help me sleep, or drinking to really become numbed to life in general, these temporary fixes didn't provide me any solace.

So creating a bigger container is an emotional process. It is something that I wish I could have known to do as I was experiencing pain and unrest. For example, in my case it would take the form of me feeling the anxiety. And upon recognition that I was feeling the anxiety, instead of running from it and fearing it, I welcome it. I allow it to reside in this body with me and I am almost welcoming of its company. The moment I do that, the anxiety isn't as much of a demon but more neutral. Once I allow the anxiety to be there with me and I create a larger space for the anxiety, its veracity weakens. This process isn't complicated.

Creating a larger container allows us to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Once I was able to see the anxiety as something other than an enemy, I suddenly had more power than I realized. And the anxiety was given a chance to come and pass through.

light bulb

2008-10-22T16:00:00.001-07:00

I notice something I have been doing. If there is even a remote possibility that I have behaved poorly, I find myself searching for justification. Or additionally, if I have a choice of behaving one of two ways, I will find myself trying to provide a way of making the "lesser of the two" paths more honorable.

Why do we constantly find ourselves justifying our actions? I mean, is it a form of compensation? This stems right along with the idea of shortcuts. I mean, if I am at a crossroads in my life, and I can use the example of college for me, and I have the opportunity to either take a test on my own or use the help of others (cheating), then in an attempt to make a decision, I would find myself justifying cheating. Saying things over and over in my mind such as "well I really am studying hard, but it is so unfair that I have test anxiety and I shouldn't have to deal with it," or "well, it isn't like I am lazy, I am just challenged in this area, and this is so that I will feel as though my hard work is being reflected..." And here it goes on and on, and before I know it, I have justified in my mind years and years of dishonorable conduct in the classroom.

And I think also that this seeps into my arenas of life, whether it be work related, relationship oriented, etc...with work we can find ourselves stepping on the toes of friends and colleagues in order to receive that promotion that is "so well deserved," or going behind the back of a friend in order to gain some kind of personal satisfaction.

And here is what makes me surprised as well. When we are confronted and our behaviors are revealed, we are so quick to be defensive. It is almost as if our conscious isn't traveling at the same pace as our behavior. We act, and don't consider outcome, don't consider emotional damage. We don't appreciate the victim of our decision. But more importantly we don't acknowledge where we are going wrong. There is a genuine disconnect there.

And for so many years I lived that disconnect. Cheating for me wasn't an action of mal intent, and therefore wasn't in the forefront of my mind. I justified those years as "well, since I'm at a personal disadvantage here, this is what I must do in order to survive." WHAT IN THE WORLD? And then a day comes where....a light bulb comes on. Suddenly, I realize that my poor behaviors can't be justified any longer. I do not deserve to look at myself in the mirror and be proud or satisfied with the choices made. And that is what stimulated change.

So here is an opportunity to really look hard at our own personal decision making. When we find ourselves at a crossroad, are you having to justify decisions made? If you are having to even go there, then chances are it probably isn't the best option.

stay with me

2008-10-21T23:28:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't written in a while, but I haven't been inspired for the recent past. It will come to me. Always lessons to be learned. Keep reading.

a priceless necklace

2008-10-16T14:36:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you can really read what this necklace says, but this piece of jewelry means the world to me. I had seen it at this wonderful store in Athens called HELIX which is pretty much hands down the coolest (bold statement I know). Anyway, just in case you can't read it the necklace says "I want to be forever the me that greets change with open arms and heart."

In the beginning, this necklace stood out to me purely for aesthetic reasons. It was simple and had two charms with writing on them. That was all I really needed. So I went to HELIX and saw it, immediately called my mom to tell her that I had found this wonderful necklace that I just loved and was wondering if she would take a look at it and consider purchasing it. Well, she was out and about and near HELIX that afternoon coincidently. She gave me a call after she looked at it, and after a few minutes of explanation, she came to the conclusion that "it was wonderful but a little bit too pricey." No worries I said, and it never re-entered my thoughts. Well, that evening we were at a family friend's house for a cookie decorating party, and as my mom and I were walking out of their home to say our goodbye's, I got to my car and on my front seat was a little box. And in the box was the necklace. That is the kind of treasure my mom is.

So here it is. It is a necklace that I have worn almost every single day since I got it my freshman year of college. Almost 6 years. And I love every piece of what it represents. But the quote engraved on it began to take on a real meaning for me once I entered into nursing school.

Greeting change with open arms and heart. Huh, seems like a relatively easy thing to do. My life is always changing in wonderful ways--but nursing school was the first time that change entered my life in a very painful way. All of a sudden I was asked to take on a certain strength that I didn't have before. A resilience that I didn't know I had within me. I was forced to be courageous and spiritual, I had to all of a sudden learn to cope, I had to become a warrior. This necklace was my armor. This necklace gave me that sheer force of determination to know that change whether good or bad is part of life.

Our lives are constantly full of change and reform. As I said in my very first post, we are evolving daily. Each person in this world changes with every rise and fall of the sun. It is our job to adhere to that change, embrace it with love. I know that for me I still to a certain extent struggle with the prospect of change. 2008 for me has been my most fierce test in the sense that the change sprung on me has genuinely forced me to surrender to unpredictability. And I did surrender to it, instead of trying to control it (like I have tried to do for so many years), and live under the assumption that me and my life as an entity were unshakable. So here it is.

I find myself quite the opposite from invincible. I find that my shell is fragile but my core is strong. I have the ability with each day to know that no moment is mine to control and that change is a part of it. I wear this necklace with so many emotions. This necklace is a daily reminder of my mother. This necklace motivates me to be a giver in my relationships. This necklace allows me to embrace change with serenity. And when people ask, I am excited to tell them what it says and how it has "changed" my life.

Don't be afraid of change that comes. Instead of fearing it and attempting to escape it, embrace and welcome it. Change makes us who we are and teaches us one of the most valuable of life's lessons.

the throne

2008-10-14T15:00:00.001-07:00

So I have kind of a critical point coming up on me this Friday. I have not taken a test since my nursing exam and have found myself at this breaking point of needing to fulfill a prerequisite requirement and there is a final exam.

Even thinking about taking a test just brings up so many memories, anxieties, fears, apprehensions, etc...And there is so much built up under it. I had a really good talk with my therapist today just discussing why it is that so much power is placed on these tests that I take. And it is so interesting because we were kind of dissecting my relationship with tests in the past, and I made a comment that I place them on this throne of importance in my life. ALWAYS.

And in the past I did put them on this throne because there was so much loaded onto each one. There was just such severe preoccupation with the expectation of others, HAVING to satisfy these needs of control, being so obsessed with grades, etc...I don't know what it was, but I would enter into a test and be so consumed with everything BUT the test that I would have no opportunity to have space in my mind to answer the actual questions.

And that is exactly how I entered into my nursing exam. I answered every single question with my mind elsewhere. Each time there was a new question, I was focused on how many questions I had answered and how many I had to go. I was so focused on how this test had such a huge impact on my life and my career. I was so scared that I had taken the test more than once and scared that I would fail again. I was so anxious that I was going to be cut off from the questions. I was so scared that people would think less of me if I didn't pass. I was scared to be looked down upon.

And I am not there anymore. All of that sums up what I put on my throne of importance. But now I have a new throne. Now I have a throne filled with elements that are going to promote acceptance of being human.

So on my throne now as I take this final exam on Friday are these things: welcoming of the anxiety and fear because they are going to be there, not trying to push them away, repeating mantras in my mind as I get afraid, there are going to be times when my mind wanders and instead of getting frustrated I will embrace it. This exam all of a sudden isn't a test of my knowledge but my test of a relationship with myself.

Game on.

separation

2008-10-09T13:09:00.001-07:00

This painting is called "Separation and I really think its beautiful, so...There is this really important piece in my Human Growth and Development class that is so vital when working with clients in a therapy setting: the idea of truly being able to separate the "person and behavior" within a human.

To avoid being vague, this is what it means truly. It is an attempt to take an individual and be able to distinguish that person's actions from who they are inside. It is a nearly impossible task to take on, but I say nearly impossible because it is doable. I find myself having struggled with this for so much of my life, and even now.

When I was in nursing school, I behaved so badly for so long that I feel that awareness that there was a distinction was gone. I was so deeply entrenched in my behavior that it didn't even phase me that behavior and being could be separate. To me, they were one. To me, I was a person who was just so in need of control that my actions were just a reflection of who I was on the inside. It went on this way for so long, and I really do feel as though that is why I marinated in shame and doubt for so long. Because I couldn't see enough that those actions were not really who Greer was. They were reflective of a fear of mine.

Only now, because so much time has passed and I have allowed enough distance between that time and now am I able to see those behaviors for what they were. They aren't Greer, they were a manifestation of an internal unrest.

But doesn't it truly seem like a difficult process? Because each time we do act poorly, how can we not relate it to who we are? I mean, with my cheating for example, how could I not see that as part of who I am when I was the one facilitating it? But there is an element of burden that we place on ourselves when we are so attentive to our actions. In the same way that thoughts are just thoughts, actions are just actions. And how easy is it to say that whenever we do something positive, it isn't coming from an innate place inside of us that directly reflects our inner being?

There needs to be a clear distinction here between how we behave and who we are on the general. Our behaviors yes can be an expression of a current state of mind or emotion, but they do not reflect our deeply rooted character. So here for me I see my course. I want to be aware of my actions and how they effect the people around me and myself. Act for yourself and be true to who you are at the core.

grandparents

2008-10-07T21:05:00.001-07:00

I am so sorry I have not written in a long time. I have been busy balancing school, school, school, work and the absence now of Luna. But I have reached an amazing clarity with the Luna situation. I have become able to have my own life all of a sudden, I have been able to stay gone from my house all day if I really want to. I have been able to be with friends for extended periods of time, sit by the creek and not think about when to be home for her. And I am not sad that I feel this way, it just makes me realize that her impact on me was more profound than I realized. However, this isn't to say that I don't miss my darling girl. She will forever be with me.

But here is something that I have been thinking so much about, and it seems to be a topic that goes unappreciated. They are the grandparents. When I was a young child, I progressed innocently through life, always taking advantage of the money that "grandpod" would send me on my birthday, loving the Christmas presents that "grandmom" would give me. I remembered her soft hands and her delicate body, and would remember my grandfather's smell. I would remember how he would give me ice cream sandwiches every time I went over to his house, and I would remember how my "grandam" would play nintendo with me till odd hours of the night.

But honestly, my appreciation for them never penetrated past these simple pleasures of a child. I didn't understand that within these four individuals lay unbelievable life experience, wisdom, and morals. Within these four gems there was so much to tell, so much to share, so much to pass on.

Unfortunately, I lost three of my grandparents while I was very young, so I never really got the opportunity to ask them about life and what they had experienced. I never really got a chance to hear their stories and understand where they came from, I never got to feel the sadness of their experiences, or the excitement of their triumphs. It is something that I have been thinking so much about lately and I want to take this chance to tell everyone something.

For those of you who still have grandparents who are living, take heed of their beautiful minds. For they are dying to share it with you. They have an unbelievable advantage of living a life full of rich experience and opportunity, struggle and love. Seek it out of them. Draw out the wisdom. It will be amazing. I have clung sometimes to my friend's grandparents because I so value the translation of their experiences to influence my life.

I have a dear friend who lives in NY who is suffering the burden of watching his grandfather come to the end of his life. He is in NY right now and his grandfather is in GA, and he is so afraid that he won't get to his grandfather's side in time to really tell him how he cherishes his grandfather. He is so scared that his grandfather will never know. And I know how this feels, the goodbyes in life are something that are so precious and we deserve them for closure. And this is what I say to my friend, know in your heart what you want to say. Know that your life is in some way changed by his presence in it. Even if you don't get to his bedside to relay this face-to-face, he will know. You two share an incredible bond, the bond of family, and family members just know. They can feel the passion and love from one to another.

Keep your head up darling friend, death is a part of life. It is not a disconnect from the world we know, it is a continuation of the life we have been living. He will live in you, and you will live in him always.

Love.

break in the sky

2008-10-02T15:25:00.001-07:00

Luna gave me a great gift yesterday. Over the past few months, I have come to the realization that my life up until this point has been a product of me saying YES to everything. Constantly always needing to work through in my mind my tomorrow the night before. It was a mess. If my planner went missing, oh god. Can't even go there. Things would be lost.

And then I took on the responsibility of a dog. Now any of you who read this blog who have taken on the multidimensional task of purchasing an animal (at least more interactive than a fish) know that you are officially a parent at this point. You have entered into a new realm of responsibility and dedication. Time management better be a card that you were dealt and if its not you need to Google it to find the best ways of achieving it.

But anyway, I did create yet another challenge in my life and soon enough found myself treading water. Suddenly my life turned from being able to flow gently with the current, to struggling with all of my might to keep my head above water. And I found myself loving this new companion in my life, however realizing that she was in a way facilitating this mindset of mine to be constantly demanded.

So here I am now. I was faced with the harsh reality that Luna for the rest of her life will have to be medically managed. I was aware of the people around me who were so preciously willing to offer assistance in ways so that I would be able to keep her. And for moments there, I considered it. I considered keeping her and "making it work," just for the sake of not saying no. And then I noticed my selfishness and potential fear of cutting something out of my life (eek).

And then it happened. Clarity. I realized that Luna is spoonfeeding me an opportunity to change my ways. She is forcing me to say no to keeping her and that gift is priceless. So with this blog, I give my thanks to my precious dog, who is now spending her days on 160 acres of land with her birth mother. Awww. I just love that thought.

And I go from here, realizing that every person deserves to take care of themselves and the people around them. I was able to give Luna all that she needs in order to be happy and live the fullest life, and Luna was able to give me freedom. She opened my door to change.

the wax and wane of luna

2008-09-30T14:26:00.000-07:00

Precious heart.

My darling dog got to take a glorious visit to the vet yesterday (and Luna always freaks out when she goes, because of the copious amounts of animals in the waiting room and the insanely yummy treats). And it is always the most hilarious and insane process getting her to jump on the scale, I can't ever tell if she is afraid of it or if she is just too distracted by the synthetic meat smell coming from the treat bowl.

All of that aside, Luna has been showing some startling signs in the past month or two that motivated me to have her checked out. Every time she runs up the stairs she trips and falls, and when I see her standing still at any point, she will immediately sit as if her legs were weak. So I took her in, and they did a quick hip exam to see if anything offset was noticeable. After even two minutes I heard those words..."this is really serious." They could feel her hip click out of joint even just with range of motion. No bueno.

So they told me to bring her in today to have her do "sedated x-rays" which eh...made me a little bit nervous. So I took her in today, and when she was ready to be picked up, I came over and got the run down from the vet. Both of her hips are completely out of their sockets, and her knees are out of alignment too.

Here I am. Receiving the news that Luna is going to be on medication for her life and will require surgery at some point. I can't provide these things for her. I realize that this is a moment where I need to make a decision. I need to make a choice that would be not best for me, but best for her.

So I have to let her go. I suddenly realized that it isn't all about me. It isn't all about me needing to have a dog and everything that goes along with it. I can't keep Luna and not give her the medical attention she needs just because "I can't bear to lose her." While it does break my heart to think of her not in my life, I must think of her best interest.

A good lesson for me, it isn't always about what we want. Sometimes our personal interest and satisfaction need to be placed aside to understand and acknowledge what really is best for those you love. Even if that includes letting them go.

unemotional beings

2008-09-26T11:34:00.001-07:00

I have done a great deal of reading on this topic and since I have been opened to a literature pool of evidence supporting this idea, I realize how prevalent it is in my daily life. Naropa isn't the greatest of examples because of its desire and motivation to be as emotionally vulnerable as humanly possible, but outside of that realm I see it.

There are so many people in my life and in this world who are not in relationship with their emotions. Not only are they not in relationship with them, but they aren't even aware of their personal existence. There are people who I know who have gone through their entire lives being "emotionally mainstream." That was the phrase that I got from a friend of mine a couple of years ago.

I feel as though there are a few reasons for this fact, one that some people are just unwilling to tap into that element of their being. But why be unwilling to tap into something so beautiful? The ability to be emotionally aware and expressive I feel is one of the most attractive qualities to a human. We were meant to ride the roller coaster of life, not sit on the sidelines. This also goes along with the question I have regarding people who can find themselves 20 years later in the same job that they hate, coming home to the same marriage that they don't have a connection with, and having raised the three children that they hardly know. We were meant to feel so how do some people never dive into it?

Maybe people feel intimidated by the power and strength of emotion. But this brings me into a good point. This is just people's perception of emotion. I feel that a lot of the reason emotions are perceived to be uncontrollable is that people are unable or unwilling to acknowledge or accept them. It is a difficult thing yes to admit to someone else of being lonely, but it is amazingly gratifying when I can sit there with someone, and name my emotions. Instead of being afraid of them, I embrace them. Free of judgment, free of bias.

There was an amazing story that I heard in one of my classes last week which goes along with this whole mentality of the importance of naming emotion:

There was a man who was a professional and heavily influential meditator and teacher within the area. He was loved by all within this particular society and as he grew older really created a following. As he aged, he started to show signs of early Alzheimer's. As the years passed, his condition worsened and he decided to give one last lecture. People traveled in from all over to hear him speak, for they realized that this was probably going to be one of the last times he would be seen in good health. People in the auditorium took up all of the chairs and tons of people were standing. So the man walked onto the stage, and suddenly the damaging effects of Alzheimer's came to a head. All of a sudden he didn't know where he was or what he was doing there. All he knew was to sit in the chair on the middle of the stage. And he sat there with tons of people watching, and did what he knew best. He started naming his emotion. "Lonely, scared, depressed, afraid, anxious, tired, frustrated, etc..." And went on doing this for a good while. Just naming his emotions. All of a sudden, his memory came back and he remembered what he was doing there! He knew that he was there to conduct this lecture and saw all of these faces that were so familiar to him. He looked out onto the audience with excitement and said "I am so sorry, because of my condition, I just had a memory loss. I want to apologize to you for this, and now I am ready to start." There were tears in the eyes of most of the audience, and one person said, "do not apologize. You have given us the greatest gift by naming your emotion."

So there it is. We were meant to be emotional creatures. When you are feeling emotion, whether it be sadness, anger, hurt, excitement, fear, exuberance, name it. Be welcoming of it. When you do, immense liberation follows.

dying a thousand deaths

2008-09-24T19:15:00.000-07:00

There are many versions to each person. Within an individual, there are thousands and thousands of identities, and sub-identities. There are elements within us that we are excited to share with others, elements that we would dread to be revealed. But at the heart, we are many things.

In our Social and Cultural Foundations class at Naropa, we participated in a moving exercise which was an opportunity for our teacher to experience being an oppressor, a member of an oppressed group, and a witness all in one session.

I primarily paid the part about the witness, but could feel emotional turmoil within the perpetrators and the oppressed. I know that as this particular situation went on, half of the class didn't realize that it was a teaching opportunity. A lot of the people thought that it was real and therefore heightened emotions in everybody. The teacher played the part of the oppressor, and she used her authoritative role to communicate genuine disregard and arrogance. And the oppressed group communicated both sadness and anger.

But what was interesting was that as a witness, I found myself silent. I realized how the teacher was being unfair, and I realized the disadvantage she was putting on the oppressed group. I saw that she was using her power of authority to her credit and was aggressively handling her victims. And there I was. Sitting in a seat behind where she was standing, silent. It made me realize the power of silence.

I decided not to intervene because I wasn't directly being effected by the negativity. It wasn't me who was suffering and therefore I became an innocent bystander. But didn't I blog on that a month or two ago, about the diffusion of responsibility? How can I possibly be so upset that nobody intervened in that past situation, and be able to be silent in this one? The line isn't clearly drawn. And I do know that the situations are different. But in a sense, doesn't silence communicate compliance?

So where do I stand then...where am I willing to stand up for what is right and just, and when am I willing to let the moment pass me by and let people be disadvantaged and discriminated? After the exercise was over, I became very aware. Aware of my actions and how my silence was so powerful. How by not saying anything, I was condoning this behavior.

Behavior to me that in the past has filled me with such anger and frustration. It is difficult for me to know that so many years passed with incalculable discriminatory suffering. And it is even still such a problem. So I have learned the power of silence here. I have realized that in the midst of oppression, I can't be silent.

This is just one of the deaths that I want to die. I want to section off that part of my persona who is willing to be compliant when I know wrong is being done. I want to be actively promoting justice in my surrounding. I don't want to be seen as a silent bystander.