After the Wedding

If you haven't seen the movie, After The Wedding, you should.

What a remarkable representation of colliding worlds. One element that really spoke to me was the incredible impression that adults have over young children. A man, who spends his time providing the kind of friendship and leadership that children needs really spoke to me.

It made me really think about the kind of friendship and leadership that I provide to those who are younger than me. The impression we make is so important and so valuable, and such a gift.

Why Do We Share?

I was in my weekly yoga class a few days ago (as part of my 2012 new years resolution to attend two classes per week), and right as we were in the beginning stretches of the class to warm up, my teacher started sharing very personal details about her life. Needless to say, the details that she shared weren't the components of small talk, and I spent the entire yoga class lacking mindfulness and thinking about why it is that certain people are inclined to share.

While being unable to really understand why it is that other people share things, I could come up with some clear reasons as to why I share:

1) I want to be heard and supported.
2) I want to feel normalized.
3) I appreciate the feeling of saying something out loud and having the seemingly scary detail not be as intense.
4) I appreciate the human experience and think that at some point in our lives, we have millions of similar thoughts and feelings as others.

Think about why you share things?

The Confidence To Try

I've always kind of been an "all or nothing" kind of gal. Especially when it comes to athletics. Historically if I only have 30 minutes to work out - I am more likely to drop the project than to take advantage of the 30 minutes that I have. Because in my mind, "if I don't have an hour, then its just not worth it." Wow. It's one thing to live with that kind of attitude and blindly exist in parallel with it, and then its quite another to hit that mindset head on and realize for the first time that it actually isn't authentic for you.

In college, running was my go to. Always excited to get out and run for an hour or two, and really used that time as my sanctuary. It allowed me to feel grounded to handle stress and unexpected changes in my life, and kept me physically feeling structured, confident, and energized. I didn't realize how much I leaned on it until life gave me a good dose of perspective.

I started to experience pretty significant knee pain, to the point of tears over the stabbing like feeling that just wouldn't seem to go away. This was a loaded bag - there was obviously the physical pain of it all and wrapping my head around actually how much Advil I could take safely, and then there was the emotional realization that my one method of release (obviously my own doing) was gone at least for the time being.

I went in and got an XRAY of my knee to find out that I had a severely inflamed IT band and that I should stay off of it for a few months. Great. Now this, in retrospect (as it always goes) a blessing - because it forced me to try other things, which sometimes let's face it - we need. What I appreciated more than anything else was finally - the world was providing for me, but the only way I was at the time allowing the world to provide for me was by physically not allowing me to stay in my current groove. Rigid much?

So what did this mean then...are you really telling me that I'm going to have to start working out on an elliptical? What I began to do, was become introspective - and learn my edge. I had absolutely reached my edge of rigidity. I was uncomfortable enough where I was set enough in my ways that I was unable to take my blinders off.

So I started biking. And cross training. And swimming. And who knew...I was happier. So for a few months, I proceeded along this course really mixing it up, enjoying new things, and feeling like I was in the beginning phases of dating...myself. I was being introduced to new parts of myself - and for the first time in a long time, I had trust.

So a couple of years later, I moved to Boulder - basically having not run for over 900 days. WEIRD for me. But I realized something even stranger about this whole process as I had lived in Boulder for about a year: I was afraid to run. I was afraid of that pain that I felt. And I was terrified that I would have to be off the exercise forever.

About 6 months ago, I went out for a 5 minute run. 5 minutes. I have always prided myself on being a daredevil. I was the first to try hangliding in my family, went skydiving, scuba dove at extreme depths, and never had a problem! I was TERRIFIED to run. After that 5 minute run, I was relieved. I thought about it, and hadn't realized until that moment how terrified I was to try to run again. Day after day, I would add a minute. Now I'm pain free and able to put in 10 miles no problem. It was a journey that process, but as my insight for the day: always have confidence to try.

The Bigger Picture

I was having my way too infrequent meetup with one of my dearest friends on Sunday, and we got to the topic of really taking note of the bigger picture. It was so ironic that she had brought up this conversation, just her sharing her thoughts on what had happened in her life over the past year - and how it had or hadn't lined up with her intention, interest, and overall values. It was ironic because the couple of days before, I had really been in this space of feeling like I was missing MY bigger picture.

I feel like I am masterful at coming to the end of the week, having done basically exactly (with some exceptions) what I had done the previous week. Wake up, exercise, eat, work, eat, work, come home, do something fun but planned, bed, repeat. Not that any of that is bad by any means, it isn't what I try to communicate. But sometimes I feel like I get lost in my routine. It commands me and my energy in a pretty powerful way.

And I feel like my life ebbs and flows in a pretty habitual way as well with regards to seeing the bigger picture. I will live through my routine for an extended period of time, then there will be an event or conversation, such as the one I had on Sunday, where it will really come to my attention that I need to take a better look at the bigger picture. And then I will incorporate those elements into my day to day, really engaging with my overall desires and intentions for this life. Which are......?

Adventure, spontaneity, love, relationship, education, and enlightenment. Those elements are SO important to me - so how do I incorporate them? I get on my bike and explore trails that I've never been to in order to create adventure. I start saying "no" to invitations so that I can allow my night to be spontaneous. I hold a much higher intention to give my family/friends my 150% attention and energy and really communicate to them how much I care and love for them. I audit classes and attend lectures to stay educated and inspired. And I'm SO good at doing these.....for a period of time.

To me, the conversation that I had on Sunday was very important for me. Not only did I get to see one of my favorite women, but she keyed me into a part of myself that I didn't realize was so engrained. I am an excellent "big picture seeing and not seeing habitual offender." Meaning - I don't want to find myself looking back on my year wondering where it went. I want to look back on my year and see the elements that are so important to me being sprinkled all over my day like a caramel sea salt cupcake. How does one do that?

It is a promise to myself to live a big picture life. For it's the only one I've got.

The Cove

I have a very dear friend, who obviously - shocker - is going to go nameless, who spends the majority of his days circling the world, videoing and exploring the world beneath the ocean's surface. He is one of my favorite people of all time. Why? For many reasons, but one is he does and lives his ultimate passions. I am secretly (not anymore) jealous of this way of life. One of the few experiences I have ever had where I felt completely removed and on my own and part of a whole new way of life was when I was scuba diving. From the moment you go beneath the surface, there is a beautiful silence. A silence like I wanted to stay forever.

So what comes up for me as I watch The Cove is basically the same sentiment that comes up in me when I watch another really compelling documentary: how have we gotten to this point in our world? How have we come to a place where we compromise so easily our own integrity for this so called "personal gain." To me these documentaries are so devastating at some point - because what I feel we follow are truly good people at heart, who slowly uncover years of tragic behavior. And as it is uncovered, the viewers are just these naive innocent bystanders who see it all compressed into 90 minutes of documented film. Documentaries to me are kind of strange in that particular way.

What blows my mind more than anything else, is how much energy people dedicate to inhumane treatment. And not just on other animals, but really on ourselves as well. I don't know, it baffles me - and what is revealed are years and years of people "working behind the scenes" and "staying deviant after hours" for what? It breaks my heart.

This movie is just another explanation of what I have always felt. And it goes back to the essence of human relationship as well: we are all in this together, and we owe it to each other to support and honor one another authentically, not break the rules for some preconceived personal gain that actually doesn't exist. We have completely missed the boat, and thank god for those who are willing to go out on limbs to risk their lives and reputations for what they believe to be true and right. I long for more people with that kind of bravery. For each one of you - how will you act bravely in your day to day? How will you fight for what is right, and how will you honor your own integrity?

For me...true expression of emotion in the moment that it is happening is my first step in the right direction :)

Emerging

Since November 23, 2009 I haven't written...at least not in this way. And I feel like my life has gone through significant change. When I first began this blog, I was sitting in the kitchen of my mother's best friend's home who lives in Boulder, Utah. Ironically, I had just embarked on the journey of my life - my move to Boulder, CO. And I had no idea what the next 4 years (up until this time) was going to hold for me. All I knew is that "for the next four seasons, I was bound to make Boulder work." Since that time, I have undergone extreme joys and sorrows, I have completed a Masters education in Counseling Psychology, I have met incredible people, I have learned new sports and uncovered thousands of layers of my being. I feel humbled and deeply grateful for the life that I have and the people that have been in the trenches with me.

For the last two years, I have been absorbed by life. My main reason for stopping writing, as many writers have experienced, was due to a "lack of inspiration." Now for me, it's easy to call it a lack of inspiration. But what I really mean is, other things started getting more of my attention, my energy, and my interest. And all of my ideas and thoughts, feelings and emotions were being kept inside of me - sometimes released in conversation with others, but there is nothing like the raw honesty of writing. And in the past few months, and actually ironically today, the message to "start writing again" have come to me. They have always been there now that I look back in retrospect, but now I am starting to pay more attention. My move to Boulder, CO was when my blinders came off - and in regards to my writing, somehow that blinders got put back on. But now they come off again, and I'm ready. I have emerged from another place to continue to express this part of myself.

There is so much to say I find, and it doesn't all need to be said here. I want to continue to express my experiences with others, share what I'm going through and what I'm learning. Because this life is a daily evolution and I am thrilled that the energy is there again for me to start to write. When I think about change, I think that humans are fabulous at handling predicted change. We have it nailed for the change in our life that we create. But where I think there is room for improvement, in my experience obviously is the change that we don't anticipate. I used to wear this necklace every day (for about 5 years) that said "I want to be forever the me that greets change with open arms and heart." Game on.

All I want to say is thank you. I am thankful for the break from writing and excited for the connection back to it. I am thankful for the people who have encouraged me to start back up. I do have much to share and am committed to sharing more.

opening the wound

It as just as I learned in nursing school: in order to ensure a clean wound, you must acknowledge the source, open it, dig through it, remove debris, clean it, close it, and allow it to heal. I have found that the same applies for emotional pain. Through experiences and my time as a student in Counseling Psychology, I have learned the hard way that traditional healing of the wound does not work in the "default" methods that we have become so accustomed to. Sometimes it takes more than a band-aid to really prevent infection and long term damage.

In mental health especially, I have gained an awareness that we are a band-aid oriented culture in the sense that we are so eager to mask symptoms with medication just in order to supposedly integrate them into "normal" behavior. Unfortunately, just as with physical wounds, emotional wounds can create a bigger problem when merely covered with a prescription.

What it does, is forces individuals to rely on a pill a day in order to redistribute biochemical transmitters within the brain so that the balance is in place. However, with time, infection will continue to grow until it is seemingly out of control. Because all that the medication will do is cover up the problem underneath, and will prevent an individual from acknowledging that inner struggle, because for all they know, they are feeling better.

With true emotional healing, the wound at its source must be identified. Once it is named and its origin is understood, then the real work can begin. I am eager to discover how much a person can process through unpleasant experiences and emotions without anything other than conversation. I believe in my heart that we can get farther than we believe we can. This "debriedment" of sorts, when working through emotional turmoil can be extremely painful, just as is the cleaning out of a physical wound, however its power is undeniable.

With that initial painful re-entry back into the source of the hurt, you can really make efforts to moving through it. How is it that we have missed this vital component within the realm of health care? In my nursing school experience in the psychiatric unit, so much of the real humanistic interaction was lost, because patients were sedated as a side effect of their medications.

There is so much fear in the symptoms that surround mental health disturbance, that health care professionals are so eager to have them eradicated that they allow this to cloud over the emphasis on conversation. I have found that so much of what patients want is to be heard and normalized, and when they are merely handed a prescription as a result of admitting to a list of symptoms, their feeling of importance is lost.

I believe that it is my responsibility as a rising mental health professional to make sure that above all else, I realize the power of conversation and the importance of allowing my clients to feel heard and supported. Of course there are always circumstances where western modalities are necessary, I just won't be quick to take that road.

24 has a whole new meaning.

Eve,

I truly can't believe it. I remember where I was and how I felt as I wrote you your last birthday card. I was devastated, crushed, confused, scared...Didn't know what to write until I just relaxed, listened to my sadness, started typing, and all of a sudden I was finished. I want to remember today only with elation as I have for years, but instead am left with an intertwining element of grief. It threads its way through the memories of childhood parties and young blossoming friendships, and I find that I can only maintain my smile for a moment.

I think of you constantly darling friend. You are so much a part of the memories that I have made and am still forming in my life. It is amazing how I feel you, your rich beauty and luscious presence are everywhere in my day. As I sit here with a heavy heart, I find myself grateful that I got 23 years with you and that for my entire life, you have illuminated me.

I have learned acceptance for the fact that I cannot celebrate with you today in person. I have understood that on your birthday now I set aside a portion of my day for just you and me. I venture off alone to the most beautiful places in Boulder so that I can remember and be with you all for myself. I will today find that spot in Boulder, and as my tradition goes, I will scream with joy and pain for you. I will scream for the gifts you have given me, and will scream for the absence of your glow.

Your spirit coarses through me. Just two weekends ago I was in the mountains for an all day workshop with horses and as I stood there in the midst of this beautiful valley with the trees tall and the flawless bluebird sky, it began to snow. I was shocked surprised, and do you want to know what first came to my mind? YOU. I felt you Eve, and I wept as the snow fell all around me. Like I said, your spirit is everywhere.

I dream of you most nights darling friend. I see you in your pajamas on top of a coffee table dancing and singing your heart out. I see you inviting me on an adventure where we will learn great things and build beautiful memories. I see your long beautiful blonde hair, and your oh so classic fashion sense. I see your arms opened wide so that I can have that famous Eve hug. I am thankful to my core that I never see you hurting or sad in my dreams, never see you longing or grieving. I only see you as I experienced you.

I need to tell you something. Since your death, I live fully. For me but because of you, I live fully. You did live each day as it was your last, you did give people the REAL you every moment. One thing I will always admire about you darling bird is your capacity for feeling and not being afraid. Your contentment for what you were experiencing (painful or painless) and your ability to express it used to attract me, and now they are me.

I don't just think that you are ok wherever you are. I feel you are ok. In every step that I take I know you are being provided for and supported. If I could do anything to have you back for one more second I would, but I will settle for the assurance that my bluebird is somewhere safe and flying free.

The happiest of birthdays to you my darling bird. I will think of you always, but especially hard on this day.

With oceans and oceans of love,

Greer

so much to do, so little time

Spreading myself too thin yes is an ongoing theme in my life, and I know that I have both talked and blogged about it, but it is something that I struggle with. It is so interesting, because I was in class the other day, and a classmate of mine was expressing frustration over the same dilemma. He was talking about being a teacher, going to school, and being a husband and father, and how he was being encouraged by the people around him to let go of a few outside of school obligations, so that the academic environment and home life weren't so stressful.

He was expressing conflict because he didn't really want to do this. Well, it wasn't necessarily that he didn't want to, deep down I think that he really did, but was terrified of what it meant to let something go. In his mind it meant that he was going to have to tell somebody "no" and as far as he was concerned, that meant he wasn't as responsible as he could be, and wasn't being as accountable as he could be. And it is amazing, because I was listening to him speak, realizing that for the past year(+) I have struggled with this very thing.

I find myself thriving on being busy. I love having my time filled with things that I love doing which include both school and work, and also mean spending time with my boyfriend, friends, and most importantly - just myself. It isn't a balance that I think comes seamlessly, and I think it is dangerous for us as people to realize a place that we are in life, realize we want to change, and find ourselves so eager to be in a new place. When we carry on this mentality, we forget that to get somewhere, you must go through a process, and that in that process there must be a lot of self care. There must be a level of self awareness that will guide you easily along the road of transformation.

These negative tendencies and habits feel seemingly out of our control, and sometimes I find myself blaming these actions on "habits that are so deeply enmeshed that they are out of control" when really I always have a choice of how to act. That is a remarkable realization that I came to, in that with every point in my life, I have a choice of how I want to behave. Habitual or not, each action is a result of a conscious decision. And for that reason, the habits can be broken.

I feel very strongly though in the idea that we must take care of our own needs when struggling. We must understand that change can be painful, and that it is essential for us to recognize when we don't need to push so hard, or in fact when we need to push harder.

It all goes back to this illusion of control. I feel like the rigidity in the schedule, the impatience, the selfishness, the ignorance, etc are all manifestations of a need for control. And so breaking these habits is in a way surrendering to the feelings of being out of control for a period of time. And so it shouldn't be done as quickly as ripping off of a band-aid. Take it off, a little piece at a time, make sure that you are okay through the process.

groundless

We are learning in class how we have "identities based on contraction." The basic premise behind this is how we come to a point of self actualization in our lives, and are curious about why/how it comes when it comes. We see ourselves as changing beings and don't understand how we got here but are so appreciative that it is present. In this process as well, there is an opportunity to reflect on our live before, and how we have shed this old skin and have grown a beautiful and different new layer of protection.

When I reflected, I saw in myself this presence of an identity based on contraction. And when I say that, it doesn't necessarily mean that my muscles were constantly tensed and I was never relaxed, but it is more a sense of emotional contraction. As we are raised, we are influenced by a myriad of expectation and obligation. We are taught the basic premise of "right and wrong" and what is appropriate and what is inappropriate. We are very rarely ever taught from day 1 to form our own values and beliefs. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, because we cling very dearly to our parents for a sense of guidance. How else would we navigate our way through life if we didn't have authority figures and role models to learn from?

However, I feel like there is a glitch in the system, because so many people find themselves well into adulthood without a basic sense of their own morals, but yet they have traveled along this path of life with the ideals of influence. This is where the sense of contraction comes in, where has our sense of identity gone? Where do we fit into this huge mix?

The interesting thing about our identity is this: it is groundless. Every day our identity is changing, there are different things that we are learning, different morals and values that we are adopting as our own, and in no way is our identity constant. That is something we need to become comfortable with. This identity based on contraction only comes from a place of unawareness, and it is up to us to determine where we do fit, and what does resonate as real for us.

small gestures

Those small unexpected gestures: a treat on my doorstep, someone working a stand at the farmers market giving away their product, random texts of love and appreciation, flowers on the table at home, etc...

These are small gestures that I have been finding popping up all over in my life recently. These seemingly small notes of kindness have seeped their way into my day and I find myself at times with this adrenaline high of gratitude.

I am surrounded by people who give endlessly, and who use what they have and use what they love and express that to those they appreciate in their life. I want to acknowledge those gestures as being at the heart of love. I know that in my life it is very easy to lose sight of what those gestures mean, and I become preoccupied with my own sense of obligation, expectation for myself, and don't extend myself in the ways of human relationship.

What do these gestures do for me? They set a standard. They raise a bar. They provide awareness. They allow me to see that at the end of the day, it isn't just about how I survive and prosper and get through my day, it is about how I show up for myself and for others. It allows me to see that the beauty of humans is our ability to be givers and receivers. And I know that people don't give only with the intention of getting in return (for the most part), but that true givers extend themselves because they have such appreciation for the act of extension.

Sometimes giving like that is scary though - I feel as though I am a giver. I thrive on knowing that I can take care of others, I feel like I extend myself beyond reaches at times because I want the people around me to know how I feel. I want there to be mutual love between myself and friends, and when that falls short, it is an incredibly lonely feeling. I have been in friendships and romantic relationships where the other party involved was a receiver and didn't understand the power of giving on that kind of a level. And I found myself feeling unappreciated and unsupported.

Now this isn't to say that I give for the wrong reasons, but when you find yourself constantly giving and giving with someone and not receiving any kind of mutual love and respect in return, it can be saddening. The sadness though comes from a place of longing for that person to understand the beauty of small gestures. Those small gestures make a BIG impression.

Just last night, I was meeting three friends with whom I have a long history. And they brought along a friend of theirs who I had never met, and we all enjoyed food and drinks, and as the check was being brought, she said simply to me "I don't know you really at all, but let me get your dinner." And it was one of those moments in my life where suddenly it all became clear: the giving element of a person's being not with the intention of receiving is the most beautiful trait of all.

It gives me the energy to give and give. It allows me to truly appreciate my friends and the people around me, and forces me to acknowledge that it is the simple gifts and gestures in this life that make us feel loved, appreciated, and supported.

the "reds"

So many individuals around me are suffering. It seems like on a daily basis I am confronted by people that I love who are being tested by the storms that are part of life.

These storms are also called the "reds." They are the dangerous and challenging spots, they are those periods of our lives where are physical or emotionally being are hurt. It is difficult in the midst of the reds to see beyond them. Sometimes it is otherwise impossible.

A very dear friend of mine has suffered a deep deep red for the past two years. Surrounded by death and unreliability in romantic partners, she is left completely broken by the unpredictability of life. She is unable at this point to see good in her day. She doesn't know what to do at this point, and doesn't see a light at the end of her tunnel. All she can see is the dark passageway that she seems to be blindly navigating through. Life for her is about struggling to be above the surface of the water while not really knowing how to swim, as opposed to freely floating with an ease in the stroke.

The reds can come in many forms. They can manifest as tragedy, death around you, personal attack on character, inability to achieve goals, etc...Their only determinant of being a red is in providing an opportunity for an individual to learn a lesson, but in a seemingly difficult way. More often then not, they provoke sadness, anxiety, distrust, fear, and questioning.

In my life, I understand the reds. Nursing school for me seemed like one big red. Day after day, my tests were relentless and my sadness seemed unshakable. I found my reliability on trust and faith to be waning, and I felt very insecure in my ability to really live. I was scared to proceed on with myself "as I used to be" because there was so much fear that I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. There wasn't trust in my day.

Then after nursing school, and after graduation I was able to see light at the end of my tunnel. For the first time in several years, my days felt authentic. And then I suffered a string of tragedy last year that seemed to take me back to those distrustful days. That was terrifying for me, because all I wanted was to have faith. All I wanted was a life filled with lessons that didn't seem to rock me to my core.

And only on retrospect am I able to see that the reds do come and go. As do storms. And it is up to us as humans to whether that storm, not just for the sake of "getting through" but learning lessons along the way. As a storm rolls around, we as people have an innate sense and faith that the storm will pass. However with the reds of life, sometimes we don't have that trust.

Why is this do you think? There is something beautiful in the reliability of an actual storm. It is guaranteed that it won't always be lightening and down pouring rain. However, when life beats us to the ground time and time again, we then lose that faith that it will pass.

All I can do right now is think of the reds as a physical storm. I must have the sense in myself and in the world around me that there are always going to be lessons to be learned. The same way I would not want a physical storm to take my life, I can't let the reds either. I have to take the red and turn it into gold.

never been said

The courage it takes to admit something out loud that you have never said before. I saw this happen and it struck me like very little has in a long time. There are so many emotions that fly around within people (fears whether they are irrational/rational, frustrations, judgments) but so many people exist in environments where these emotions are terrifying or embarrassing to admit.

When I was in nursing school, I was incredibly lonely. I was surrounded by people, and great people at that. I was engaged with my peers and my teachers and was baffled as to how I could feel alone. I was under the impression that loneliness only stemmed from maintaining a solitary life, where there were never people. I equated physical aloneness with loneliness. And it wasn't until I actually felt lonely that I was able to see how the two do not go hand in hand.

I proceeded on for about a year, feeling desperately sad. Not just sad because I felt alone, but sad because of what I felt it meant to be lonely. I was so tied to the negative connotations that being lonely included and therefore marinated in its fire for a significant period of time.

Slowly, I began to journal. I started to write down on a superficial level what my days consisted of. Even at that point, writing down emotional states of mind that seemed negative or stormy for me were not included for I was afraid of that kind of vulnerability. It took me six months to be able to write the words "I am lonely." And it may seem insignificant to others, but that accomplishment for me was a breakthrough of an enormous fear.

In school for counseling psychology, I am challenged every day to work through fears of my own and emotional struggles that I carry. And I have done a great deal of work around them. In my fellow classmates, I have watched people verbalize demons that have been imprisoned within their heart's walls their entire life with no chance for escape. It is the feat of a lifetime to face that fear of vulnerability and stare it down.

For me, it has been my savior. My ability to admit my own fallacies has made me more human not just to myself but to others. Every avoidance of it, ignorance of it is just an attempt and a protective defense that we as humans so conveniently lean on as a way of not hurting. It seems logical but in the long run will prevent authenticity. Speak your fears and own them for they will facilitate stronger heart and mind.

present body absent mind

I am back!

It has been a long and relaxing summer and there hasn't been a ton of opportunity for me to write. I have really appreciated the joy and release that writing this blog has brought me, but I have also really loved the break from the need to consistently be processing my life on an emotional level.

And here I am now, coming to the end of the summer and realizing that my life as a student has resumed. I have begun again to spend two heavy days a week (and 5 moderate days a week) saturated in the work of counseling psychology and understanding the power of the human mind and body.

And I appreciate the work so much. For the first day of school, I found that my body was present, but my emotional/psychological/mental commitment to what I was doing wasn't. I thought I was there and really wasn't AT AL and understand how incredibly good humans are at programming themselves on autopilot.

I find myself doing it frequently throughout the day, and I think many people do. Waking up, doing the morning routine, going to work/school, taking breaks, engaging in small talk, coming home, eating, socializing, bed, repeat. It is amazing how many days can pass before we look back and realize that much of our existence has been on autopilot.

In one particular class on Thursday, a professor of mine was watching me engage in another student through an exercise, and he picked up on my present body and absent mind. He verbalized it in front of my other group exercise members, and immediately I was embarrassed.

Embarrassed for my skillful tact in maintaining a "distance" from everyone around me, embarrassed that my classmates had seen this false thread in me, embarrassed that my teacher didn't think I was real, etc. I became immediately defensive, and then gradually submissive to my masked impression.

Then, I came to. I was finally present. My attention was fully on the present moment, and I hadn't felt so real in a long time. Since then, I have been present. I have found the beauty of autopilot and our ability as humans to turn on a protective barrier surrounding us from the harsh physical/emotional realities, and then find such sanctity in having no barrier at all.

knowing my duty

I say yes sometimes to things for selfish reasons. I agree to extra work, babysitting, and in this particular case, dog sitting sometimes for reasons that would only benefit myself...like extra money.

This tendency of mine became abundantly clear in the last week when I agreed to house sit/dog sit for a dear family that I know here in Boulder. They have a dog who I was instructed "to not take around other dogs" because historically she hasn't maintained the most polite of manners. I took this into consideration yes, but as the week went on found myself eager to bend the rules slightly, for how harmful could things really be?

As my mother came into town for a visit from Georgia, we were standing in the kitchen of my own home with my new dog for the week and two other golden retrievers who live with me. For about thirty minutes we were all standing around as the dogs co-mingled in the kitchen, and about twenty minutes into their time together, things turned dark pretty quickly.

All of a sudden the dog under my care snapped and she and one of the golden retrievers were in a genuine brawl. It took about five seconds for me to intervene, as I grabbed the dog by the harness and removed her forcefully onto the back porch. Fearful of what might have happened to the golden retriever, I immediately scanned the dog's body for wounds. Seeing nothing, I was immediately relieved. Until I walked out to the back porch to discover blood coming from the dog I was sitting, I filled with fear.

The dog was pretty badly wounded, but after an emotional conversation and hard pressure held to the wounds for quite some time, I realized something...I was taking only myself into consideration the whole time I had been house sitting and dog sitting. I tried to take short cuts and not really adhere to the dog's needs and found that this pattern of behavior needed to stop.

I was frozen in my behavior, and am seeing now the importance of thinking before accepting a proposition. And if the proposition is accepted, it should be done with full responsibility, dedication, and appreciation for all parties involved. It was an eye opener for sure.

fearing judgement

I had a really amazing conversation with this morning with a good friend of mine on the subject of judgment. My entire adult life I have coursed through my day with a sense of optimism, almost to a fault, of the people around me. I have been stepped on and manipulated and maintained a good natured sense of the perpetrators. I have absolutely been unable to let myself form judgments on others, no matter how I had been hurt or taken advantage of.

I realized this morning that so much of the reason I did this was because I was afraid of forming judgments. When I would be hurt by someone else, I would almost take it on myself and somehow create a wrong that I had made in the situation, and still keeping a positive image of my contemporary.

I would hate it when other people would make judgments of those around them and would conclude in my mind that those negative mind traps were dangerous and un-necessary in life. This morning, my view changed. I was finally able to see after such a long period of time that judgments sometimes are sources of strength and liberation. They have finally allowed me to acknowledge and understand that people's negative behavior toward me isn't something I am doing. It originates in a deep seeded insecurity that lies at the core of the soul.

Finally I have perspective here. And I am able to see two things: 1) I am not at fault when people's insecurities are expressed through negative behavior, and 2) having accurately formed judgments are an opportunity for me to indulge in self care. Now I am able to protect myself and am fully resisting the temptation to give into the fear of judgment and its meaning.

For so so long I have felt guilty when judgments arose and have avoided them as though they were toxic. I assumed that the presence of judgment represented the presence of a superficial soul. I always looked so deep to the good of EVERYONE that I missed the actual selfish natures that were around me.

It is a tough balance to strike however. Knowing when judgments are appropriate and when they are dangerous. It is good to know yourself well enough that they are only to be acted on when in thorough communication with the other person, and that the judgment isn't out of turn or due to misguided information. I have to find that balance in myself know. I must know when people are being true versus trying to play a role that isn't natural. I must keep my eyes open to my needs and be able to express them when necessary.

All in all though, judgments aren't to be feared, they are to be acknowledged and incorporated into nature of humans.

the power of community

Yesterday was the memorial for three men: Micah Wade, Jonny Copp, and Wade Johnson who all were prominent figures in both the Boulder and international climbing community. I personally knew Jonny and Micah well, but interestingly never understood the bounds they had overcome as climbers until being notified of their deaths. Those men had their passions in perspective. I love that I didn't know their worlds outside of "great friends who lived in Boulder with me."

The memorials held yesterday were a tribute not just to the men and their lives but was a testament to the power of community. Over 800 people gathered yesterday at Boulder Theatre to remember and celebrate the men. It was truly incredible to go to this function alone and really be able to observe everyone who was there. Tons of family members of each of the men were in attendance and Jonny, Micah, and Wade's parents came up and spoke.

From the first moment, the community rallied around the event. Blank books for writing, tea candles, tibetan flags, and photos adorned the entrance way to the memorial, and from moment one you felt like you were in the presence of true love and support.

For three hours, there were slideshows and speeches, and an audience that would have stayed all day. There were tears and cheers, and entry ways into the lives of the three men before they were ambassadors of the outdoors.

Following was a barbeque which drew in about 100 people. And honestly for the entire day I was blown away by the unfailing support. The power of community is so strong, and in my opinion is one of the few gifts that we have. It is undeniable that the trust and presence of those around the fallen have kept those closest to the men strong. And I am proud to say that I live in a town where the response to a call of need is quick and genuine and profound.

holding off

I see it in myself, I see it in my friends, and I see it in a lot of people around me. It is one thing for people to recognize and understand their own loves and passions, but there sometimes seems to be such a difficult transition between acknowledging them and actually tapping into them.

Most prominent in my life and I am thinking most easily held off for "another time, maybe a better time" is travel. I have such a love for new places and new experiences. I thrive on meeting new people and understanding new cultures. And in my life, I have been so fortunate to travel to incredible places. However since I have branched off from my life in Georgia and explored the western half of the country with my move to Boulder, I have really begun to understand just how much beauty there is in the world and even more so within the country.

However, I do find myself having all of these ambitions to travel and see exotic things, I have compiled a list of all of the things I want to do and experience, but am not actually letting them happen. I am letting "life" get in the way and am keeping practicality stand in the way of embarking on my adventures.

And I am scared by this fact. I have been wanting extensive travel for many years, and now I find myself at 24 wondering why I haven't done it yet. I have said no to the extreme spontaneity for the sole purpose of "it just isn't the right time now," or "I can't take off work," or "It is too much money." But at the end of my life, I don't want to have regrets, and I don't want to be hard on myself for holding off.

I have acknowledged my love for travel, and have taken the opportunity to embark on small road trips, camping trips, and day ventures, but I want to do more and see more. I feel that it is so crucial to know ourselves well enough to understand what moves us inside, but it is even more important to act on it. If you have the urges to travel, make it happen.

gaining ground

In true summer form, I am taking my time with the blogging this summer. I am learning a ton and really discovering new parts of myself each day (shocker), but when I sit down to blog I look out my window to see the flatirons behind me and a bluebird sky, and I am drawn to the out of doors. I knew all of you would understand.

I am finally standing up for what I need and want, and not what others need/want, and not allowing naivete from lack of experience allow people to walk over me. With one particular circumstance in particular, I have been trampled on, and in the midst of a pretty convincing poker face by the other person, have seen opportunities that I have not taken to do what I needed to do for me.

I have been scared of it, and allowing myself to be blinded by being treated like a queen, taken on amazing adventures, out to beautiful meals, and really not been able to see what my needs are because of this. Interestingly though, even when I did discover what was happening and was able to understand my behavior and really what I was doing, I was saddened and frustrated.

I was saddened because I couldn't believe that I could let a situation escalate so far, to bring me to a point where I have broken down. I was frustrated at my behavior. In my life I have been here before. I have had a tendency to not play close attention to exactly what my needs were/are. I have been a consistent giver, so keen on helping others, so in need of taking care of those around me but never fully with myself.

So here I am with this awareness but still progressing forward as though my needs aren't a consideration. What exactly am I afraid of? And I was able to tangibly bring it down to a few things, and realized that my needs so severely outweighed what I felt I was getting out of the situation.

Therefore, I choose to allow my needs to dominate and I stand my ground. It wasn't easy, I even hesitated in communicating this to the other person, which again was frustrating. But it isn't an easy process, and once again I realize that lessons learned don't come seamlessly and don't come without difficulty. So I approach this one, with softness on my edge and patience in myself. Standing your ground isn't always the easiest option, but it is the most important. Don't back down on who you are, it is important as are your needs.

The wonder of time

I feel like I have been beginning most of my blogs lately with an apology because I haven't been writing. I find myself at times feeling guilty for not writing, because I know that there are things that need to be released, but I have been so busy lately...that my blog seems to have been what has been left out of the mix. Unfortunately, it has taken its toll on me, and there are moments when I feel saturated and in need of expression. So here I am :-)

Timing...It is a compelling phenomenon to consider, due to the fact that whenever bad things happen to people, they constantly say "bad timing..." and vice versa when great things happen. We aren't of the awareness that the timing of events could be in fact greatly linked to the prospect of lesson learning and opportunities to gain insight into experiences.

For myself, and as I look back on last year and all that it entailed, or every single time that I find myself tested by the world and feeling like there are speed bumps everywhere around me in my life, I think of it as "bad timing." I review the mentality over in my mind of, when it rains it pours, and almost find myself feeling like the victim to the world's power.

But as I reflect further, I consider a dear friend of mine who has found herself in a dilemma. She is on the verge of losing a family member while studying very hard for an important exam in her life, an exam that will determine her career. She already felt preoccupied by the demands placed on her academically, and when this emotional component was added into her mix, she found herself saying "bad timing, or is it the worst?" When I am determined to look at it from another point of view.

I see her position here and immediately hope that she can as soon as possible see this as a chance that the world is giving her. It isn't bad timing, for I don't necessarily think bad timing exists. I think of events occurring as more of a consistent opportunity for learning. They are seeds embedded in our bodies and minds to potentially allow us to gain perspective and stop living a life that is focused so inward.

So for myself, when I feel overwhelmed by negative experience and feel like I keep being bombarded by life's tragedy, I consider that it might be just another lesson and it eases the initial impulse of selfish thinking.