vulnerability

Not that I haven't always, but even more so than previously, I appreciate vulnerability. Or more specifically, I appreciate those who are so willing to make themselves vulnerable. I have seen this so much in my classes at Naropa, where exercises are formulated so that each student has an opportunity to dive deep into their own sea of personal issues and struggles.

With these particular exercises in class, students are guaranteed to feel uncomfortable. They are guaranteed to have their emotions surge up within them and bubble until the strength can no longer withstand it any longer, and tears cascade down cheeks. It is truly a beautiful thing to see my fellow classmates really have no reservations when it comes to being exactly who they are.

For so long, I feel as though I have lived in a world where people for the most part give off the best versions of themselves in public. But nobody has a clue what the cognitive and emotional processes are that start to turn the moment someone is alone. It is amazing, and even for me I have noticed in the past that who I was in public and who I was in private were two different people. And I don't mean this in every aspect of my being, but for the most part, I was able to give the best version of myself when I was in the company of others.

Don't misunderstand, it isn't as though when I was alone I was a wreck because honestly I wasn't, but there were definitely things that I was unable to express in front of others. Sadness over petty circumstances, insecurities about men, fear of the unknown, etc. But now, I feel as though the tides have turned.

Now I feel as though I am comfortable being just who I am at all times. That includes someone who is happy, subservient, gregarious, self conscious, hungry for knowledge, a nerd, a knitter, prideful, a perfectionist...the list goes on and on. But what I do know I am is real. I know that at the end of the day, I am scanning for deeper understanding, I am desperate for true relationships and I am determined to fill my day with love and genuineness.

So I say thank you to my classmates, for teaching me the importance of vulnerability. I thank those around me for encouraging me to be real at all times. No sugar coating, no fake smiles, just me.

encouragement vs. pressure

Encouragement and Pressure. Two very powerful forces in our daily lives. My mornings, afternoons, and evenings are filled with some sort of encouragement and pressure. Whether it be pressure I put on myself, encouragement I lend to others, or a combination of the two that I receive from outward sources. Sometimes I find there is a thin line between encouragement and pressure.

I definitely put pressure on myself for sure. And I feel as though we all probably do. Not significant pressure, but there are definitely elements of my life that are in place because I feel as though they make me a better person. A sense of self aggression almost, but in my life they don't hold that kind of strength. But they do hold a place. I exercise each day because yes it does keep me mentally sound, it gives me an opportunity to be alone with my thoughts, and fills me with a sense of calm on the other side. But on the flip side, I also do it because I want to keep my body in shape. Pressure. It breaches beyond encouragement.

I lend encouragement to others when it is asked of me. I have encouraged friends who were lonely to strive toward meeting new people, when contemporaries are bored, I encourage them to be introspective and discover what drives them, moves them, makes them whole. I encourage living life to the fullest. I encourage wrapping your fingers around each moment and loving it. I encourage embracing people around you, especially the ones whose shells are hard and difficult to penetrate.

When it comes from elsewhere, I am encouraged to be nonjudgemental. I am encouraged to leave my biases at the door. I am encouraged to find a good balance in my life of work and play. I am encouraged to be well knowledgeable about the world around me, and active within my community.

So how then are encouragement and pressure connected? In my opinion, pressure is encouragement taken one step further. You can be lightly encouraged to do something because it would be "in your best interest, or will make you a better version of yourself." But pressure almost has negativity attached to it and trails behind. I hate feeling like I am being pressured into doing things. And I have felt this in many situations: at the top of a mountain ready to snowboard down, and pressured to take a particular route that I am uncomfortable with, pressured in relationships to go faster than I want to, etc...it is there and so present.

As I become aware of the distinction between encouragement and pressure, I realize that internally pressure hurts me. It makes me sad that I put that kind of pressure on my self. I don't want to cause that kind of pain in others by pressuring them in any way to do things that I perceive as right and just. People weren't meant to be pressured, it builds up anger and frustration. Only sprinkle encouragement when necessary on top of the sundae of life.

demanding answers

As a preface, the reason for the picture of zucchini bread is at the moment I came into a friend of mine's apartment that I had a particularly intense conversation with, she was making the most delicious looking zucchini bread. So there you go. While being in the middle of a thick conversation last night with a new friend that I have made, we were discussing individual situations that we had found ourselves in and desperately needed the opinion of the other person. Through our talking, I realized a handful of things about myself that I maybe had known, but didn't necessarily acknowledge.

I want to kind of dive into one of them that really struck me. I realized with the help of my friend, that I am so enthusiastic about taking life on the proactive front. Always I have been a "results" kinda gal. I will explain this mentality through one specific example: my puppy Luna, who actually isn't so much a puppy now was sick for the first month or so that I had her. She was ravaged by a pretty common parasite that puppies get out west and was having the hardest time keeping food in and gaining weight. Needless to say, I was preoccupied constantly and always worrying about my girl. My mother came out for a visit and told me not to worry and that everything would be fine. I absolutely didn't believe her until I was able to see Luna improve. There I am, a results kinda gal.

I don't really know how I feel about this particular aspect of my personality. In a sense, yes there is an element of me that loves it. If there is something I want or feel would better my life, I am proactive and make it happen. But how about with the matters that deserve time to develop? Romance for example take time to develop.

For me, I have learned quite a valuable lesson. Opportunities have landed in my path this summer where my need for action has been put to the test. And I have acted. I have gone with my instinct here and acted as though I have always acted. I have taken matters into my own hands and finally was able to see that this method isn't always the best. I have been shown the result of what happens when I move too quickly. I have been shown the door of sorts as a product of my impatience.

So now is the time when I am eager to turn the table. For me at this moment, I long to develop my patience. I want to see myself as letting life guide me and show me its course. I think as well along with this mentality is being privy to life's guidance, and being aware of what is placed in front of me. I don't want to be so self involved though that I miss them. So here I draw the line and attempt to create the best balance for myself. I want to come to a point where I can be content with my present, understand that what is meant to be will happen, and to be open to taking life's hand and following it.

the rents

The parents. For everyone, parents play a different role. For me, they play a huge role. And a relationship between parent and child isn't exclusively financial. This relationship starts from day 1 and spans until present.

I can admit now that for the first 18 years of my life, I didn't appreciate how lucky I really am. From day 1, I have been privileged with a mother who would give up it all for me. She from day 1 nurtured me and supported me. Throughout my middle and high school years, we were at odds. I was interested in everything but her, intrigued really in things that centered around sports, shopping, and boys. Typical teenage girl yes, but sometimes think about that time and want to take it back. But while it was happening, she was probably so keenly aware of what was happening and the processes of women and knew that my real self I would emerge soon enough. But through it all, her energy never faltered. She remained herself, and was ever patient.

My father, since day 1 has treated me like a queen. He wasn't necessarily the nurturer in my life, because my mother so diligently took over that role. But he was the ultimate support. I knew I had him always. I knew that he would push me to be the best that I could be, show me through his own ways that my inner strength enabled me to accomplish anything in this life that I wanted. He probably doesn't realize the confidence he has given me over the years through his fathering.

So for me, I have been blessed with parents who I never had to question. A gift that only last week I was truly about to appreciate. We had this exercise at Naropa in my Human Growth and Development course where we were asked to introduce ourselves from the perspective of one of our parents. Whew. This process did two things really. First of all, it allowed people to get to know one another on a relatively intense level from the start. Also, it gave the students an opportunity to express how they perceive the thoughts of their parents. Needless to say there were many good impressions, but then again there were many saddening ones. People in my classroom expressed quite willingly that their parents provided no support in their paths. There were two women in particular whose depictions of their mother/father pierced through me. It made me uncomfortable and saddened me.

But to be honest, this was one of the best exercises and lets me further emphasize why I love school right now. Both students and teachers in this program aren't afraid to be exactly who they are. They stood up and knew in their hearts that they were happy with their choices and didn't need the validation of their parents to progress forward. They aren't afraid of lacking the support net and don't require it to live a fulfilling life. They aren't fearful of vulnerability and that to me is one of the most attractive qualities in a human.

destiny or coincidence?

I have been thinking a lot about fate and destiny lately. I used to be of the mentality that life was this course that we were given yes, but that everything placed in front of us that seemed to accelerate us further in a particular direction was coincidence. I really had a hard time believing that "fate" was anything other than hooey really.

Now I am proud to say that my horizons have expanded and that I feel differently. I think for so long I believed that coincidences came before me, and my path would deviate slightly. And then people I would meet who would influence and change my course as well would be primarily a result of coincidence. I would find myself saying things to myself such as "well we lived in the same town for so long, we were bound to meet." or "wow, what a coincidence that I was in the same place at the same time as my long lost preschool best friend." They seem like insignificant examples, but to me these were good indicators of the things that would happen so often. I would find myself being shaped by these various coincidences as I called them.

I would be expanded by meeting certain people, enlightened by exposure to new literature, and deeply moved by new elements of the cultures of the world. And I felt as though all of it was a product of the quirks of life...until now.

I have had far too many "coincidences" in my days to think now that fate doesn't exist. I believe in destiny. I believe in my heart that I was meant to go to nursing school so that I could come face to face with my disgressions. I believe that I came face to face with my disgressions so that I could live a much more honorable life yes but to develop a conscience. I believe that I developed a conscience so that I could become more self aware and crave that deeper meaning, to become desperate for a rich life and to be expanded. I feel as though I didn't pass my nursing board 4 times because life was telling me that this wasn't my path. I feel as though I discovered Naropa "coincidently" as an alleyway to this new self awareness development. My deciding to apply didn't come coincidently.

I had gone back and forth between applying or not, because I was worried that I wouldn't have fulfilled the prerequisite requirements in enough time to start the coursework. A dear friend told me that I had nothing to lose by applying, and she was right. So I did, and my getting in made me appreciate going for it. It made me realize that I want no regrets in this life. So I'm in now. Not by coincidence either.

I feel it is part of my path to be at Naropa. I have been in class a week and a half, and feel the change already.

a damaged ego

Nursing school and the months afterward seemed like a string of events that consistently stepped on my self esteem. Self esteem too is such an interesting facet because even those people in this world who live selflessly and tireless servants to others and their community, have egos. They have a desire to look attractive to others, not just physically but through their actions. It can be a motivator and a hinderer.

For me, my ego played a central role in my life, when interesting enough I thought it only served a supporting role. But on retrospect I realized that the majority of my actions were to satisfy the needs of others and to look attractive to those around me. This was something that was probably pushed under the surface along with my dishonorable actions because my mind wasn't ready to acknowledge...well really anything. So it isn't really a huge surprise to me that I didn't see how powerful my inner ego was. Until nursing school.

I don't know I am giving the situation enough justice to say that my ego was tainted during the years of nursing school and the couple of months after. I think shattered would be a more appropriate adjective, seeing as though within such a short period of time I was able to finally come face to face with years of broken trusts and selfish tendencies. This may seem awkward to read, but for me I couldn't look in the mirror for a month. I was so ashamed. And lived through that process for the following three semesters. I thought that for sure that with the conclusion of nursing school, I would be able to distance myself from the associations that had damaged my impressions of myself. Life unfortunately doesn't always work in the ways we intended.

So the battle of trying to pass the nursing board brought me down further than I had felt in a long time. I felt as though my sense of empowerment, for really fighting my way through the pain and hurt for 2 years would really pay off when I saw those two letters behind my name (RN). But it hurt even more that I couldn't pass my board because I felt genuinely like my efforts were wasted. Until I soul searched.

I realized that if I hadn't fought through, persevered, and challenged myself daily, I wouldn't be where I am today. I feel that without the bruised ego, you can't really be humbled in a very important way. But the inability to pass my board allowed me to really feel the need to be introspective and understand what it was about nursing that I needed. And there, I found the art and beauty of counseling. My torn ego was a light into my next world, and in that world I find true wholeness.

my journey

So I have just started school again this past Monday. For the last 5 days, I have been IMMERSED in a setting that I thought I had no desire to re-enter. But here I am. And I have entered into one of the most amazing environments to my knowledge that exists. Naropa University is so unique in its ability to make every student feel as though they are fully supported, acknowledged, heard, appreciated and loved.

What I have learned over the last 5 days is that there are about 45 people who want something similar to myself: to dig deep, to learn as much as possible, to become true to myself, to understand the human condition, and to help those in need. There are incredible spirits in my presence.

It has made me more than anything appreciate where I am in my life right now. I am spending my days learning in the classroom, absorbing the theorists and their paths, and also finding so much more about myself. I love that I crave that right now, and love that I have reached a point of self actualization that pushes me harder to find truer meaning, and to be able to reach a deeper grounding with those around me.

But what I love most of all now, and I have been thinking about this for a few days, is where I went to get where I am today. I feel that so much of the time we are forever focused on the finish line, and (as a runner I'll use this analogy). When I am running, I do love seeing my house in the distance because it means I'll be finished soon, but I have grown to relish in the entire length of the exercise. It is so important to marinate in the journey that allows us to get where we are. We are going to be forever evolving yes, but it is so important to appreciate the pain and hurt, the anxiety and sadness, and the energy given.

For me, when I graduated nursing school, I wanted to forget about it. I never wanted to revisit my depression, I never wanted to think about being lonely for so long, I never wanted to feel insomnia again, and I absolutely never wanted to revisit The Medical College of Georgia's campus. Well, here I am telling you that I want to relive all of it. I want to do it because I feel as though going back and reflecting on your battles makes you empowered. It makes everything worth fighting for. But more than that, it humbles you.

Reflect on where you have been. Be humbled.