being human

There is something to be said for the simplicity of a human. Unfortunately, we progress through our days, day after day, being consumed by specific obligations and expectations that we set for ourselves, and that others set for us. We find ourselves like fish on a hook, just scrambling to be freed from this cycle.

For me I know, I find myself living a life very similiarly to my mother's. We both have a tendency to pack our days full of numerous obligation: school obligations (eek, now I am a full time student), work commitment, social engagements with friends, taking care of animals, and finding time for myself.

When I was talking with my therapist today, we were discussing the true beauty of the human. At the core of us, we are very simple creatures. We were born with so much fragility and yet so much strength and brought into a world of stimulation, complexity, and excitement. But at our core, we are simple creatures.

Then as we age, we immediately begin the process of learning language and social skills, learning human interaction and the rules of culture. We are instantly expected to adhere to specific norms and adjust accordingly if those norms aren't fulfilled. We are flying blind. We enhance our foundation remarkably and before we know it, we have grown into adults with this vast body contained by a thin shell.

We are emotional creatures whose hearts and minds take up enormous room. We are barely able to contain ourselves in our skin. There is a flurry of emotion that must balance on a day to day basis, and while doing so maintaining an outer "face." We are also physical creatures who crave stimulation because that is what we are used to. We push ourselves constantly to keep up with the people around us.

And then I want to come back to square one. I want to go back to the beauty of the simple human. I want to go back to the moments where so little satisfied me and where I didn't need much. And even though I do consider myself someone who doesn't need much to be happy, compared to others, I do. But I want to seclude that element of my personality and discover what it is that I truly need. And give the rest away. I want to live in simplicity. Not just on the outside, but on the inside too. I want my mind to be simply operating, without all of this noise distracting me. Daily I will fight for this. And I know that it will never be resolved, but I know that with time it will be manageable.

I know how I am going to get there. How are you going to get there?

slow down quickly

I have been in a little bit of a predicament for the past few days and it has been something looming on the periphery of my life. There is a man that I have found so much connection with on many levels.

You know it isn't super common for a man to be motivated to live a full life, living a full life while being motivated, adventurous, cautious while being adventurous, modest, successful while maintaining modesty, funny, and able to make me cry with laughter while being funny. This is all one man mind you. Who knew?

Here comes this sense of urgency in me to make things happen. I need to know suddenly how he's feeling. Here comes my impatience to see results quickly. Well, after a certain amount of time of demanding life to be whatever you make of it, I tire from exhausting the system. I suddenly don't want to know, don't need to know. I do not find nearly the amount of satisfaction that I do from allowing life to lead me. What happens in this life will happen.

This has a tendency to seep in most commonly with the men in my life, but as of late (the last 6 months or so), I have really migrated from a person who was so inclined to be proactive to a person who will allow life to lead me. I find that I am so often trying to paddle my way through the river of my life, as opposed to letting my river take me with it.

For really, I am rushing and rushing to the finish line, all to achieve what? I mean what am I really needing so urgently that I couldn't just be patient? Is there something beneficial to taking life completely in my control?

Because at the end of the day, control is just an illusion. We have all found ourselves in the midst of this battle to achieve control. But control over what...ourselves, our relationships with our work and friends, romantic relationships...but at the end of the day, all of that is unpredictable. At the end of the day, you could find yourself in many unfortunate positions:

1) not knowing who you are
2) being fired from a job
3) losing friends
4) losing a lover

And then you find that all of the energy you wasted on trying to control these elements of your life were to waste. So here it is. No moment is even within our control, so what are we trying to have such a tight grasp on? I find myself eagerly needing an answer to this question (kidding).

Instead, I will quickly slow down. I will allow life's current to take me with it, and I will gladly follow.

no words

This is the image of a champion. A beautiful and vibrant young woman who has faced the truest of battles and has come on the other side of uncertainty with a bountiful poise and grace.

She is truly my hero. You know, I look back in time, and I remember the moment my mother called me to inform me that Katherine Arnold Wolf had suffered a tremendous assault to her brain. I was in a cloud of disbelief, but thinking to myself "wow, I can't believe how much I am having to undergo with all of these tragic events." But after about 5 minutes of this mental state, I snapped back into reality.

My god, I had my health. Isn't it amazing how in the midst of tragedy we find ourselves so ultimately consumed with how it only effects ourselves? I mean, my darling friend Katherine is fighting brutally for her life, her family is in broken pieces, her husband and baby son are trembling with fear. And here I am afraid of how it is effecting me. But I don't punish myself for initially feeling this way. We all process things in our own way, we all have moments of selfishness. So for that, I don't punish myself, but I need to be very keen on how I move through my day.

I realize that for the day following receiving the news I went in between being completely consumed with how this tragedy was effecting her, her friends and her family...but also preoccupied with how this was hard on myself. It was incredible, for I had such a hard time getting past the fact that this year had been so hard on ME. Whoa.

Here, about 4 months later and one day later, my mindset has shifted completely. I no longer am interested in how her suffering is impacting me and my world. I concentrate completely on keeping up to date with her sister Amie and reading her mother Kim's blog. And through my visiting her in Los Angeles, I was able to see true miracles. I was able to see with my own eyes exactly what all she had overwhelmed. I got to see face to face her beautiful husband who adores her as much as he did when he first met her. I was able to kneel down by her wheelchair and talk to her about the men in my life.

It is remarkable when you gain the right perspective and see a situation for what it is, instead of what it is in your life. I have been so humbled by Katherine Arnold Wolf. She has allowed me to enter into the beauty of life and all of its good, she has shown me through her optimism that her stamina is not tainted here. Jeez, I mean she showed me in her hospital bed how to operate a Blackberry. And let me tell you, that quickly put me in my place. She longs for her life back. She longs to hold her baby and be with her husband. But she never complains, and never shows defeat. And for that, she is my champion.

in and out

So I met this really cool guy a few nights ago while I was out and about with some of my friends from Naropa. We were surrounded by margaritas and really bad salsa, but the conversation was amazing.

He had traveled out here to go to this Wilderness Therapy Symposium and had met a few of my friends who had also attended the same function. Well through the two of us talking, we both came to the realization that 2008 for us had been fraught with sadness and unfortunate experience. But what was interesting was that our past few months were different in and of themselves.

Unlike me, all of his sadness was coming from within, he had behaved in poor ways which had put suffocated him. He has found himself in unfortunate legal issues that are lingering and he can't seem to close a door because the issues still trail behind him. And it has been this way for months. Even though his sadness came from within and mine came from outside of my internal frame, we shared the same emotional roller coaster.

Well, in the midst of this talk we both shared the feeling of "losing who we really were." He told me that he was scared sometimes because his mind and heart were going very dark places, he found himself less passionate about the things that used to always make him whole. And he was afraid that he would never come back.

I assured him that life is a roller coaster that sends us up and down and terrifies us along the way. If he assumed that we were going to remain mainstream throughout our days with no deviation at all, he was sorely mistaken. I have in the last few years gone dark places, become different versions of myself, found an inability to find joy and been scared just as he was. But I came to an important realization in my processing all of this: I cannot be afraid that the present isn't always how I would like it.

I must hold true to the fact that the more sorrow I can withstand, the more joy I can contain. I must know that my ability to be high and low make me beautiful and I cannot question my sensitive heart. I must see that deviations from the norm aren't permanent, they are our minds way of molding and coping. So I encouraged my friend instead of to be afraid of this state and attempting to push it aside, accept and appreciate it. If you do that, it won't be as severe.

moving on

Moving West Moving On. I find that I have moved west, but sometimes feel that I haven't really moved on completely from the things that I want to move on from. I have definitely let go of some things that I desperately needed to let go of, but there are circumstances that I find difficult to release myself from an all encompassing grip over me. And I am ready to. I am ready to move on.

Late last week I was informed that a friend of mine here in Boulder took his life. There is shock that runs through my veins. There is sadness that makes my heart so heavy. There is fear that another tragedy will fall into my path. There is anger that he felt this was a solution. There is a sea of unanswered questions that I find myself drowning in. I want to know details, I want to know every aspect of his circumstance so that I can know all that is knowable. But as I search and search for these things, exausting my brain and body, I come to an important realization: I am done miring.

Don't misunderstand, I find myself in a very odd middle ground at the moment because I not only want to have peace and closure with each of these circumstances, and want to have an element of acceptance to them, but I also want to give them the credit and attention that they deserve. I don't want to "move on" without having really moved on. So it is a tough balance for me to strike right now. At what point am I able to say that I have moved on if I really haven't? And is it appropriate for me to want to move on quickly? Does this mean that I am becoming numb to the circumstances that are truly tragic?

And here I realize something important too: everyone is so incredibly different. Different in the way that images and ideas are processed, different in the way they conduct themselves on a daily basis, and really different on the way that they cope. No one is expected to cope for a certain period of time, and nobody should be singled out for how quickly or not it takes to get through something.

So in my mind, I don't then feel badly for wanting to move on. I want peace in my valley, but the only way to have peace in your valley is if you have peace from within. So I come here today wanting nothing more than calm seas. I went to bed two nights ago scared of the day that would follow. I was afraid because I didn't want to be confronted with another event that would shatter my heart. And even though it happened rather slowly, I got through that day. And then another day and another. And here I am today, wanting nothing more than peace. I deserve peace.

So from here on out, I remember those people who were so dear to my heart who are no longer physically with me. I remember the joy that they brought to my life, and I keep their memory positive in my heart, and don't focus on the sadness. I appreciate the battles I have fought and won, and feel empowered for my new found inner strength. But now I am choosing to start each day as a clean slate. No more miring, no more being dominated. I am choosing to live amongst the unpredictability of life, not be afraid of it.

slow down

Slow down.  Saying that to myself seems a little elementary and the phrase itself doesn't seem as though it would be too difficult to follow.  But it is.  For me at least.  I am finding that over the past few months, I have become completely saturated with my schedule.  I will look at my planner over the last few months and genuinely think to myself "how in the world could I have possibly done all of this and still have time to breathe?"

It is remarkable what we as humans are able to withstand, pressures we are able to endure not only within ourselves, but from the people around us as well.  I know that there are certain expectations that come from the people around me: my boss at work expects me to be on time and productive, my teachers expect me to be in class and attentive, and I expect myself to be able to handle these things while maintaining a high level of energy.  Whew.

As I have mentioned, I have gotten into the habit of seeing a free space in my day and filling it with something.  Doesn't matter what I fill it with, but I found myself having little/no downtime.  Downtime for me to enjoy the company of myself, enjoy a peaceful activity, be one with my own thoughts, do what makes me happy, and not carrying out these obligations that I have set for myself.  

I have been feeling this way for a long time though, but unable to change my life.  I know that I want to change it, and know that I will be happier on the other end, but can't understand why it hasn't happened yet.  Am I afraid of not being busy?  Maybe some of it has to do with other people (parents, friends, authority figures) and their impressions of me.  But I don't honestly think that is it.  I really just like being busy.  But it is a problem when you are too busy, spread too thin, and not happy with each thing you are a part of.

I know that when I am really busy, packing my day full with work, school, meeting friends for various things, walking dogs, interviewing, etc...I am constantly focused on what is going to happen next.  I found that when I was part of each individual part of my agenda, I wasn't present in it.  I am ready to be present.  And I feel like that will only come if I am able to balance adequately my schedule.  Allowing enough time for myself is something critical that I need to pay attention to.

So from now on, I will slow down.  If I have free time in my day, I will keep it that way and use that time for myself.  I feel that peace will follow me if I choose that path.

trusting the process

I did this student art workshop today where we were given a set of instructions before embarking on our exercises. One of the instructions included trusting the process. There are many parallels between the art world and life. So much of the guidelines we were given throughout today could be related directly to life's lessons.

Trust the process. Don't be focused so much on a basic technique. Don't be caught up in the practicality of what you should be doing and how you should be doing it. Don't be consumed with the end product. Don't be trapped in past frustrations with a particular relationship to art and don't be biased toward today's project. Take today as a clean slate, and whatever you feel, paint it.

Wow. Where am I to go with this information? Art for me hasn't been anything other than an obligatory academic fulfillment through the 10th grade, and each day of STUDIO ART was all but a time to socialize with the people around me. In retrospect, I am realizing that I never paid enough attention to those classes, and was never fully aware of the vast world of expressive art. Art speaks worlds.

But for me on this day, I am trusting the process. And I want to not only apply this to art. I want to wake up every morning and trust the process. I want to see life for its complexity and trust its depth. I cannot ask why tragedy stands at my door, I must trust this process. I just was informed that a friend of mine living here in Boulder took his life a few days ago. I can ask why, I can remain sad and confused with unanswered question marks filling my brain. Or I can trust this process.

I don't mean to mention this quickly to communicate that it isn't devastating to me and my heart. But I have reached a new height. I must trust this process. I must take something of meaning from the situation. This man did bring much joy to my life, and as I sit here and think about him and the part he played in my life, I remember one thing: he was sweet, so sweet. And there I take a lesson...with everyone who enters my life, I will be sweet.

I want to be content in the trust, but right now I am just dipping my toe into the water. Now I don't know how cold the water will be, but am willing to test it out. Same with life, I am willing to give it my full trust. Instead of just thinking that I will have trust in my own process, I will live the trust.