the throne

So I have kind of a critical point coming up on me this Friday. I have not taken a test since my nursing exam and have found myself at this breaking point of needing to fulfill a prerequisite requirement and there is a final exam.

Even thinking about taking a test just brings up so many memories, anxieties, fears, apprehensions, etc...And there is so much built up under it. I had a really good talk with my therapist today just discussing why it is that so much power is placed on these tests that I take. And it is so interesting because we were kind of dissecting my relationship with tests in the past, and I made a comment that I place them on this throne of importance in my life. ALWAYS.

And in the past I did put them on this throne because there was so much loaded onto each one. There was just such severe preoccupation with the expectation of others, HAVING to satisfy these needs of control, being so obsessed with grades, etc...I don't know what it was, but I would enter into a test and be so consumed with everything BUT the test that I would have no opportunity to have space in my mind to answer the actual questions.

And that is exactly how I entered into my nursing exam. I answered every single question with my mind elsewhere. Each time there was a new question, I was focused on how many questions I had answered and how many I had to go. I was so focused on how this test had such a huge impact on my life and my career. I was so scared that I had taken the test more than once and scared that I would fail again. I was so anxious that I was going to be cut off from the questions. I was so scared that people would think less of me if I didn't pass. I was scared to be looked down upon.

And I am not there anymore. All of that sums up what I put on my throne of importance. But now I have a new throne. Now I have a throne filled with elements that are going to promote acceptance of being human.

So on my throne now as I take this final exam on Friday are these things: welcoming of the anxiety and fear because they are going to be there, not trying to push them away, repeating mantras in my mind as I get afraid, there are going to be times when my mind wanders and instead of getting frustrated I will embrace it. This exam all of a sudden isn't a test of my knowledge but my test of a relationship with myself.

Game on.

separation

This painting is called "Separation and I really think its beautiful, so...There is this really important piece in my Human Growth and Development class that is so vital when working with clients in a therapy setting: the idea of truly being able to separate the "person and behavior" within a human.

To avoid being vague, this is what it means truly. It is an attempt to take an individual and be able to distinguish that person's actions from who they are inside. It is a nearly impossible task to take on, but I say nearly impossible because it is doable. I find myself having struggled with this for so much of my life, and even now.

When I was in nursing school, I behaved so badly for so long that I feel that awareness that there was a distinction was gone. I was so deeply entrenched in my behavior that it didn't even phase me that behavior and being could be separate. To me, they were one. To me, I was a person who was just so in need of control that my actions were just a reflection of who I was on the inside. It went on this way for so long, and I really do feel as though that is why I marinated in shame and doubt for so long. Because I couldn't see enough that those actions were not really who Greer was. They were reflective of a fear of mine.

Only now, because so much time has passed and I have allowed enough distance between that time and now am I able to see those behaviors for what they were. They aren't Greer, they were a manifestation of an internal unrest.

But doesn't it truly seem like a difficult process? Because each time we do act poorly, how can we not relate it to who we are? I mean, with my cheating for example, how could I not see that as part of who I am when I was the one facilitating it? But there is an element of burden that we place on ourselves when we are so attentive to our actions. In the same way that thoughts are just thoughts, actions are just actions. And how easy is it to say that whenever we do something positive, it isn't coming from an innate place inside of us that directly reflects our inner being?

There needs to be a clear distinction here between how we behave and who we are on the general. Our behaviors yes can be an expression of a current state of mind or emotion, but they do not reflect our deeply rooted character. So here for me I see my course. I want to be aware of my actions and how they effect the people around me and myself. Act for yourself and be true to who you are at the core.

grandparents

I am so sorry I have not written in a long time. I have been busy balancing school, school, school, work and the absence now of Luna. But I have reached an amazing clarity with the Luna situation. I have become able to have my own life all of a sudden, I have been able to stay gone from my house all day if I really want to. I have been able to be with friends for extended periods of time, sit by the creek and not think about when to be home for her. And I am not sad that I feel this way, it just makes me realize that her impact on me was more profound than I realized. However, this isn't to say that I don't miss my darling girl. She will forever be with me.

But here is something that I have been thinking so much about, and it seems to be a topic that goes unappreciated. They are the grandparents. When I was a young child, I progressed innocently through life, always taking advantage of the money that "grandpod" would send me on my birthday, loving the Christmas presents that "grandmom" would give me. I remembered her soft hands and her delicate body, and would remember my grandfather's smell. I would remember how he would give me ice cream sandwiches every time I went over to his house, and I would remember how my "grandam" would play nintendo with me till odd hours of the night.

But honestly, my appreciation for them never penetrated past these simple pleasures of a child. I didn't understand that within these four individuals lay unbelievable life experience, wisdom, and morals. Within these four gems there was so much to tell, so much to share, so much to pass on.

Unfortunately, I lost three of my grandparents while I was very young, so I never really got the opportunity to ask them about life and what they had experienced. I never really got a chance to hear their stories and understand where they came from, I never got to feel the sadness of their experiences, or the excitement of their triumphs. It is something that I have been thinking so much about lately and I want to take this chance to tell everyone something.

For those of you who still have grandparents who are living, take heed of their beautiful minds. For they are dying to share it with you. They have an unbelievable advantage of living a life full of rich experience and opportunity, struggle and love. Seek it out of them. Draw out the wisdom. It will be amazing. I have clung sometimes to my friend's grandparents because I so value the translation of their experiences to influence my life.

I have a dear friend who lives in NY who is suffering the burden of watching his grandfather come to the end of his life. He is in NY right now and his grandfather is in GA, and he is so afraid that he won't get to his grandfather's side in time to really tell him how he cherishes his grandfather. He is so scared that his grandfather will never know. And I know how this feels, the goodbyes in life are something that are so precious and we deserve them for closure. And this is what I say to my friend, know in your heart what you want to say. Know that your life is in some way changed by his presence in it. Even if you don't get to his bedside to relay this face-to-face, he will know. You two share an incredible bond, the bond of family, and family members just know. They can feel the passion and love from one to another.

Keep your head up darling friend, death is a part of life. It is not a disconnect from the world we know, it is a continuation of the life we have been living. He will live in you, and you will live in him always.

Love.

break in the sky

Luna gave me a great gift yesterday. Over the past few months, I have come to the realization that my life up until this point has been a product of me saying YES to everything. Constantly always needing to work through in my mind my tomorrow the night before. It was a mess. If my planner went missing, oh god. Can't even go there. Things would be lost.

And then I took on the responsibility of a dog. Now any of you who read this blog who have taken on the multidimensional task of purchasing an animal (at least more interactive than a fish) know that you are officially a parent at this point. You have entered into a new realm of responsibility and dedication. Time management better be a card that you were dealt and if its not you need to Google it to find the best ways of achieving it.

But anyway, I did create yet another challenge in my life and soon enough found myself treading water. Suddenly my life turned from being able to flow gently with the current, to struggling with all of my might to keep my head above water. And I found myself loving this new companion in my life, however realizing that she was in a way facilitating this mindset of mine to be constantly demanded.

So here I am now. I was faced with the harsh reality that Luna for the rest of her life will have to be medically managed. I was aware of the people around me who were so preciously willing to offer assistance in ways so that I would be able to keep her. And for moments there, I considered it. I considered keeping her and "making it work," just for the sake of not saying no. And then I noticed my selfishness and potential fear of cutting something out of my life (eek).

And then it happened. Clarity. I realized that Luna is spoonfeeding me an opportunity to change my ways. She is forcing me to say no to keeping her and that gift is priceless. So with this blog, I give my thanks to my precious dog, who is now spending her days on 160 acres of land with her birth mother. Awww. I just love that thought.

And I go from here, realizing that every person deserves to take care of themselves and the people around them. I was able to give Luna all that she needs in order to be happy and live the fullest life, and Luna was able to give me freedom. She opened my door to change.

the wax and wane of luna

Precious heart.

My darling dog got to take a glorious visit to the vet yesterday (and Luna always freaks out when she goes, because of the copious amounts of animals in the waiting room and the insanely yummy treats). And it is always the most hilarious and insane process getting her to jump on the scale, I can't ever tell if she is afraid of it or if she is just too distracted by the synthetic meat smell coming from the treat bowl.

All of that aside, Luna has been showing some startling signs in the past month or two that motivated me to have her checked out. Every time she runs up the stairs she trips and falls, and when I see her standing still at any point, she will immediately sit as if her legs were weak. So I took her in, and they did a quick hip exam to see if anything offset was noticeable. After even two minutes I heard those words..."this is really serious." They could feel her hip click out of joint even just with range of motion. No bueno.

So they told me to bring her in today to have her do "sedated x-rays" which eh...made me a little bit nervous. So I took her in today, and when she was ready to be picked up, I came over and got the run down from the vet. Both of her hips are completely out of their sockets, and her knees are out of alignment too.

Here I am. Receiving the news that Luna is going to be on medication for her life and will require surgery at some point. I can't provide these things for her. I realize that this is a moment where I need to make a decision. I need to make a choice that would be not best for me, but best for her.

So I have to let her go. I suddenly realized that it isn't all about me. It isn't all about me needing to have a dog and everything that goes along with it. I can't keep Luna and not give her the medical attention she needs just because "I can't bear to lose her." While it does break my heart to think of her not in my life, I must think of her best interest.

A good lesson for me, it isn't always about what we want. Sometimes our personal interest and satisfaction need to be placed aside to understand and acknowledge what really is best for those you love. Even if that includes letting them go.

unemotional beings

I have done a great deal of reading on this topic and since I have been opened to a literature pool of evidence supporting this idea, I realize how prevalent it is in my daily life. Naropa isn't the greatest of examples because of its desire and motivation to be as emotionally vulnerable as humanly possible, but outside of that realm I see it.

There are so many people in my life and in this world who are not in relationship with their emotions. Not only are they not in relationship with them, but they aren't even aware of their personal existence. There are people who I know who have gone through their entire lives being "emotionally mainstream." That was the phrase that I got from a friend of mine a couple of years ago.

I feel as though there are a few reasons for this fact, one that some people are just unwilling to tap into that element of their being. But why be unwilling to tap into something so beautiful? The ability to be emotionally aware and expressive I feel is one of the most attractive qualities to a human. We were meant to ride the roller coaster of life, not sit on the sidelines. This also goes along with the question I have regarding people who can find themselves 20 years later in the same job that they hate, coming home to the same marriage that they don't have a connection with, and having raised the three children that they hardly know. We were meant to feel so how do some people never dive into it?

Maybe people feel intimidated by the power and strength of emotion. But this brings me into a good point. This is just people's perception of emotion. I feel that a lot of the reason emotions are perceived to be uncontrollable is that people are unable or unwilling to acknowledge or accept them. It is a difficult thing yes to admit to someone else of being lonely, but it is amazingly gratifying when I can sit there with someone, and name my emotions. Instead of being afraid of them, I embrace them. Free of judgment, free of bias.

There was an amazing story that I heard in one of my classes last week which goes along with this whole mentality of the importance of naming emotion:

There was a man who was a professional and heavily influential meditator and teacher within the area. He was loved by all within this particular society and as he grew older really created a following. As he aged, he started to show signs of early Alzheimer's. As the years passed, his condition worsened and he decided to give one last lecture. People traveled in from all over to hear him speak, for they realized that this was probably going to be one of the last times he would be seen in good health. People in the auditorium took up all of the chairs and tons of people were standing. So the man walked onto the stage, and suddenly the damaging effects of Alzheimer's came to a head. All of a sudden he didn't know where he was or what he was doing there. All he knew was to sit in the chair on the middle of the stage. And he sat there with tons of people watching, and did what he knew best. He started naming his emotion. "Lonely, scared, depressed, afraid, anxious, tired, frustrated, etc..." And went on doing this for a good while. Just naming his emotions. All of a sudden, his memory came back and he remembered what he was doing there! He knew that he was there to conduct this lecture and saw all of these faces that were so familiar to him. He looked out onto the audience with excitement and said "I am so sorry, because of my condition, I just had a memory loss. I want to apologize to you for this, and now I am ready to start." There were tears in the eyes of most of the audience, and one person said, "do not apologize. You have given us the greatest gift by naming your emotion."

So there it is. We were meant to be emotional creatures. When you are feeling emotion, whether it be sadness, anger, hurt, excitement, fear, exuberance, name it. Be welcoming of it. When you do, immense liberation follows.

dying a thousand deaths

There are many versions to each person. Within an individual, there are thousands and thousands of identities, and sub-identities. There are elements within us that we are excited to share with others, elements that we would dread to be revealed. But at the heart, we are many things.

In our Social and Cultural Foundations class at Naropa, we participated in a moving exercise which was an opportunity for our teacher to experience being an oppressor, a member of an oppressed group, and a witness all in one session.

I primarily paid the part about the witness, but could feel emotional turmoil within the perpetrators and the oppressed. I know that as this particular situation went on, half of the class didn't realize that it was a teaching opportunity. A lot of the people thought that it was real and therefore heightened emotions in everybody. The teacher played the part of the oppressor, and she used her authoritative role to communicate genuine disregard and arrogance. And the oppressed group communicated both sadness and anger.

But what was interesting was that as a witness, I found myself silent. I realized how the teacher was being unfair, and I realized the disadvantage she was putting on the oppressed group. I saw that she was using her power of authority to her credit and was aggressively handling her victims. And there I was. Sitting in a seat behind where she was standing, silent. It made me realize the power of silence.

I decided not to intervene because I wasn't directly being effected by the negativity. It wasn't me who was suffering and therefore I became an innocent bystander. But didn't I blog on that a month or two ago, about the diffusion of responsibility? How can I possibly be so upset that nobody intervened in that past situation, and be able to be silent in this one? The line isn't clearly drawn. And I do know that the situations are different. But in a sense, doesn't silence communicate compliance?

So where do I stand then...where am I willing to stand up for what is right and just, and when am I willing to let the moment pass me by and let people be disadvantaged and discriminated? After the exercise was over, I became very aware. Aware of my actions and how my silence was so powerful. How by not saying anything, I was condoning this behavior.

Behavior to me that in the past has filled me with such anger and frustration. It is difficult for me to know that so many years passed with incalculable discriminatory suffering. And it is even still such a problem. So I have learned the power of silence here. I have realized that in the midst of oppression, I can't be silent.

This is just one of the deaths that I want to die. I want to section off that part of my persona who is willing to be compliant when I know wrong is being done. I want to be actively promoting justice in my surrounding. I don't want to be seen as a silent bystander.