without comparison

I have discovered what it is about the Special Olympics that makes it so magnificent. The whole competitive edge, the comparisons between participants is totally eliminated. I feel as though such a vital lesson can be learned here.

We race through life living a mentality that can be very selfish. So much of the time I feel myself having run the course of my days doing whatever I could to make myself feel good, on top, whatever I could do to stand out.

I have seen that so much of my life for the past few years, until I hit a wall of self realization, was for the expectation of others. I was so impacted and consumed with my personal success and how it measured up to the successes of others.

It is the same thing, and it starts so young even. Take the classroom scenario for example. There are a group of middle school students who are receiving tests back. And immediately, before each one looks at their own score, they look at the scores of the students around them. So this isn't something that only adults manifest. This is something instilled in us even as little sprouts.

What does that competition and comparison bring though honestly? The way I see it is this: a little competition in your life motivates you to be the best that you can be. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but when pushed to far and when it has the potential to dominate elements of your life, and you find yourself compromising your own self to achieve certain standards, there is trouble on the horizon.

In my opinion, comparison is dangerous. I feel as though when we as individuals begin to compare, then we are not yet living for our own personal satisfaction, or better yet we don't even know what our own personal satisfaction is. In my life, I have allowed my sense of competition to get the better of me, but for me I wasn't necessarily competing with others, it was more of a battle within myself.

I had formed these preconceived notions of what I thought my "best" was, and I had this impression of where I wanted to get and how I wasn't going to let anyone stand in my way. This was manifested most prominently in my schoolwork and that is when the cheating began. The grades gotten on my own weren't good enough. But this is the interesting thing, I didn't even know what it was that I wanted. I just knew that the work on my own was sub-par.

It is amazing how we can form these habits and take them to the extreme, for me it was such an undeniable sense of competition that had totally consumed me, my body, and my mind. Until that moment of realization, and I found that me striving for this unknowable goal is just an un winnable battle that I don't even have to overcome.

So here I am. And I look at the Special Olympics famous scene: one man on the track trips and every participant stops to help him up. It isn't about winning anymore. Let go as much of hte competition and comparison as you can, for it isn't what matters at the end of the day. For those in the Special Olympics it never was. It is about the process of life that we develop and grow through together.

suffering...

There is something interesting about suffering. When I find myself in the midst of a painful emotional experience, all I can feel is the hurt. All I can focus on is the present and I pretty much do not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

It is very difficult to do otherwise, but I feel as though in retrospect I appreciate it. I appreciate it because that pain and difficulty stretches me and tests me. It forces me to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. It enables me to appreciate times in my life when I am not suffering.

I feel as though so many people fall surrender to the dynamic of suffering. It penetrates the soul and mind in ways that we didn't know possible. Yet on the other end, there is calm in the sea.

So here it is, I remember being in the throws of grieving a loss not too long ago and being curious and scared that my life would never be peaceful. I resented those periods when I felt like I was doing nothing but mourning a loss or being preoccupied with sadness. There are those moments of truly marinating in the hurt and feeling the penetration so deep that you genuinely don't feel like that kind of heaviness can lift.

Then I came to a realization. It is those lengthy periods of suffering that truly have made me into the person that I am today. I have seen the benefits of suffering manifest in my daily life and in my relationships. If someone comes to me with a problem or concern that parallels in any way something that I have experienced, I can show extreme empathy. I have such a deep and profound respect for those who can acknowledge suffering and try and work through it.

In the past being with people who were suffering made me uncomfortable. Often enough I became nervous that they had emotionally traveled to a place I didn't understand. And now, I become sympathetic. I become more connected.

When I come to the last of my days, I want to look back on my life and appreciate those times of suffering because they have indeed made me strong and whole. They have made me human. So appreciate the hard months and years. Don't be intimidated by them. Also keep the optimism that they are represent a part of your life, they don't make up your life. I mean, if you think about it, what would life be like without any suffering? It would be boring and mundane and challenge free.

silver and gold

Since I am in the mode of talking about my jewelry, here is part 2. I don't wear a ton of jewerly. But there are a few pieces that as of right now, I refuse to take off. The next piece I want to talk about is a bracelet that stays on my right wrist, pretty much through all things. Unless I'm sleeping, its on.

It has particular significance in my life and relates to the sanctity of friends. Here is how it came to be. My mother for as long as I can remember wore these two bracelets side by side, one was silver and the other was gold. I constantly told her that I wanted to have two for myself, they were hammered jewelry to create this beautiful look. And I remembered throughout my days they would clink together.

Anyway, right before I moved to Colorado we were really discussing this idea of the two of us getting the same ones so that I could remember her always, and we took them to the jewelers to get priced and needless to say...making duplicates just wasn't an option. NO WAY.

So this is the conclusion we came to. She had a duplicate of the silver bracelet made and cut the gold one in half, and had them molded together to make one bracelet. So one day I came home and found this beautiful new bracelet in my mailbox. It is so remarkable how attached I can feel to her even though she is so far away.

The two components of friendship are: the silver and the gold. And when they come together, there is true unity in the relationship. For me, I have discovered that I have finally made the friends that I have been longing for my entire life. Don't misunderstand, I have had beautiful friends in my life, cherished friends, but never had them in the same town as me. They have always been living other places, so that our time together was exquisite, but definitely infrequent.

Finally here in Boulder I have found those beautiful men and women who give the same energy in friendships that I give. They care for me, and affirm our connection. I have found that I need that. I encourage everyone never to settle in friendships. They are our chosen family and we all deserve to have the most incredible chosen family.

creating that container

So much of my coursework in this one particular class has been about "creating a bigger container." To further bring readers out of the dark on that statement, the theory behind the concept is that we control so much of the time our emotional state. We have the ability to welcome emotion or turn it away.

My classes have really emphasized the importance of recognizing emotions that surface and not just acknowledge that they are there, but really embrace them. But why in the world would I want to embrace anxiety or fear? Why would I want to welcome those painful experiences? Well, here is the reason why...we as a culture have put these "negative" emotions on a throne of sorts because we are so afraid of them. We give them a power that they don't even necessarily have or deserve.

And so creating a bigger container is an opportunity for people to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. For a few months during nursing school, I experienced anxieties that were all but unbearable. I went through so many days of worry, fear of the future, sleepless nights, and saw that both my mind and body were suffering greatly. Only on retrospect though was I able to appreciate that so much of the reason these anxieties were so "unbearable" was because I was more afraid of them than anything. They were unfamiliar to me. And so in an attempt to be relieved, I tried to run away from them and eliminate them from my life. Whether it be through taking benadryl to help me sleep, or drinking to really become numbed to life in general, these temporary fixes didn't provide me any solace.

So creating a bigger container is an emotional process. It is something that I wish I could have known to do as I was experiencing pain and unrest. For example, in my case it would take the form of me feeling the anxiety. And upon recognition that I was feeling the anxiety, instead of running from it and fearing it, I welcome it. I allow it to reside in this body with me and I am almost welcoming of its company. The moment I do that, the anxiety isn't as much of a demon but more neutral. Once I allow the anxiety to be there with me and I create a larger space for the anxiety, its veracity weakens. This process isn't complicated.

Creating a larger container allows us to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Once I was able to see the anxiety as something other than an enemy, I suddenly had more power than I realized. And the anxiety was given a chance to come and pass through.

light bulb

I notice something I have been doing. If there is even a remote possibility that I have behaved poorly, I find myself searching for justification. Or additionally, if I have a choice of behaving one of two ways, I will find myself trying to provide a way of making the "lesser of the two" paths more honorable.

Why do we constantly find ourselves justifying our actions? I mean, is it a form of compensation? This stems right along with the idea of shortcuts. I mean, if I am at a crossroads in my life, and I can use the example of college for me, and I have the opportunity to either take a test on my own or use the help of others (cheating), then in an attempt to make a decision, I would find myself justifying cheating. Saying things over and over in my mind such as "well I really am studying hard, but it is so unfair that I have test anxiety and I shouldn't have to deal with it," or "well, it isn't like I am lazy, I am just challenged in this area, and this is so that I will feel as though my hard work is being reflected..." And here it goes on and on, and before I know it, I have justified in my mind years and years of dishonorable conduct in the classroom.

And I think also that this seeps into my arenas of life, whether it be work related, relationship oriented, etc...with work we can find ourselves stepping on the toes of friends and colleagues in order to receive that promotion that is "so well deserved," or going behind the back of a friend in order to gain some kind of personal satisfaction.

And here is what makes me surprised as well. When we are confronted and our behaviors are revealed, we are so quick to be defensive. It is almost as if our conscious isn't traveling at the same pace as our behavior. We act, and don't consider outcome, don't consider emotional damage. We don't appreciate the victim of our decision. But more importantly we don't acknowledge where we are going wrong. There is a genuine disconnect there.

And for so many years I lived that disconnect. Cheating for me wasn't an action of mal intent, and therefore wasn't in the forefront of my mind. I justified those years as "well, since I'm at a personal disadvantage here, this is what I must do in order to survive." WHAT IN THE WORLD? And then a day comes where....a light bulb comes on. Suddenly, I realize that my poor behaviors can't be justified any longer. I do not deserve to look at myself in the mirror and be proud or satisfied with the choices made. And that is what stimulated change.

So here is an opportunity to really look hard at our own personal decision making. When we find ourselves at a crossroad, are you having to justify decisions made? If you are having to even go there, then chances are it probably isn't the best option.

stay with me

I know I haven't written in a while, but I haven't been inspired for the recent past. It will come to me. Always lessons to be learned. Keep reading.

a priceless necklace

I don't know if you can really read what this necklace says, but this piece of jewelry means the world to me. I had seen it at this wonderful store in Athens called HELIX which is pretty much hands down the coolest (bold statement I know). Anyway, just in case you can't read it the necklace says "I want to be forever the me that greets change with open arms and heart."

In the beginning, this necklace stood out to me purely for aesthetic reasons. It was simple and had two charms with writing on them. That was all I really needed. So I went to HELIX and saw it, immediately called my mom to tell her that I had found this wonderful necklace that I just loved and was wondering if she would take a look at it and consider purchasing it. Well, she was out and about and near HELIX that afternoon coincidently. She gave me a call after she looked at it, and after a few minutes of explanation, she came to the conclusion that "it was wonderful but a little bit too pricey." No worries I said, and it never re-entered my thoughts. Well, that evening we were at a family friend's house for a cookie decorating party, and as my mom and I were walking out of their home to say our goodbye's, I got to my car and on my front seat was a little box. And in the box was the necklace. That is the kind of treasure my mom is.

So here it is. It is a necklace that I have worn almost every single day since I got it my freshman year of college. Almost 6 years. And I love every piece of what it represents. But the quote engraved on it began to take on a real meaning for me once I entered into nursing school.

Greeting change with open arms and heart. Huh, seems like a relatively easy thing to do. My life is always changing in wonderful ways--but nursing school was the first time that change entered my life in a very painful way. All of a sudden I was asked to take on a certain strength that I didn't have before. A resilience that I didn't know I had within me. I was forced to be courageous and spiritual, I had to all of a sudden learn to cope, I had to become a warrior. This necklace was my armor. This necklace gave me that sheer force of determination to know that change whether good or bad is part of life.

Our lives are constantly full of change and reform. As I said in my very first post, we are evolving daily. Each person in this world changes with every rise and fall of the sun. It is our job to adhere to that change, embrace it with love. I know that for me I still to a certain extent struggle with the prospect of change. 2008 for me has been my most fierce test in the sense that the change sprung on me has genuinely forced me to surrender to unpredictability. And I did surrender to it, instead of trying to control it (like I have tried to do for so many years), and live under the assumption that me and my life as an entity were unshakable. So here it is.

I find myself quite the opposite from invincible. I find that my shell is fragile but my core is strong. I have the ability with each day to know that no moment is mine to control and that change is a part of it. I wear this necklace with so many emotions. This necklace is a daily reminder of my mother. This necklace motivates me to be a giver in my relationships. This necklace allows me to embrace change with serenity. And when people ask, I am excited to tell them what it says and how it has "changed" my life.

Don't be afraid of change that comes. Instead of fearing it and attempting to escape it, embrace and welcome it. Change makes us who we are and teaches us one of the most valuable of life's lessons.