its not what you're like, but what you like that counts

A phrase that sums up relationships right? There is a friend of mine lives in NY. And we have been emailing back and forth for a few months, and the topic of relationships came up.

And through his emailing me, he and I had been discussing this premise that in relationship, that connection is the desire. And that is true for me, I feel like I am picking my companion based on these feelings of synchronicity. But it is also something to be wary of, because presence of that connection doesn't necessarily lead to romance. Therefore, it is vital that the connection be examined for what it is. There are friendly soul mates and romantic soul mates.

But more importantly back to the title of the blog, its not what you're like, but what you like that counts. My friend in particular is really hard on himself regarding his own life's choices relating to past relationships. He isn't proud of who he is on the inside, which is so much what makes it difficult for him to open up and be vulnerable to women. He is afraid that when they finally see who he is on the inside, they will lose interest. And for me, I feel as though it is both important to see and understand what you're like and what you like in relationship.

In order for you to really understand what you want in this life, and specifically in relationship, you must see your inner working working. You must be able to respect your inner complexity and your neuroses. It is essential in order for us as humans to understand what we appreciate and value in our companion.

I feel like I am slowly learning to be opened to what I like in others that counts. What it is that I long for out of relationship. Is that connection that important to me or is it something that I have placed on this un-necessary throne? Is it something that has been pumped into me as being the ultimate goal in relationship? I feel like now is the time when I am searching the validity of the word "connection." Is it stimulated by an event between two people, is it a product of shared experience, is it simply there from the very beginning with no words spoken, or does it develop over years of shared time?

As of right now, I stand here. I want connection in my romantic companion. I want my partner to be someone that I would be elated to spend the rest of my life with. I feel this way because I have experienced it. I have felt those indescribable moments where there is nothing to say, but I know with confidence that it is felt for me too. So here I am.

I disagree with this statement, I don't feel like one part of it is more important than the other, I feel like they both work hand in hand in making our "relationship with relationship" as expansive as possible.

a divided heart

My heart was divided yesterday. Divided by a man that I hardly even know. This division of the heart wasn't a crushing of it, but it was more than anything a separation of two halves. I met him a couple of weeks ago, quite a chance encounter. And through our initial meeting, I felt a connection. But I even mentioned this to friends of mine and communicated to them that no matter what...even if this spans no further than a friendship in the end, there is a bond. Something that I feel and I know he did too. And I was genuine in saying that I wouldn't be saddened if it didn't happen romantically for the two of us, because I am content in the fact that those unspoken kindred attachments are beyond sexual. They are a partnership for me. A counterpart.

This is an unexplainable feeling inside when you feel this soul connecting bond. There are no words, and to me I know in my heart that this feeling is too good for words. It blows words out of the water in that it permeates every inch of the soul and body. It gets into your bloodstream, you inhale it, it is felt beyond every sense. And before this point, I had only felt it once before in my life. Truly felt it. I was a junior in high school, and it was an unraveling of my heart. I felt as though I was a tight knit ball of yarn that was slowly being just pulled apart. In a beautifully wonderful and terrifying way.

Those connections to me stimulate the butterflies in my stomach to take full flight. They illuminate my mind and body in a giddy sense of being almost to where I am not walking, I am floating. And the more beautiful part of all of this isn't necessarily what I feel inside alone, but it is that acknowledgment from that other person who feels the same way and is floating with you. And for those periods of time of true connection with one another, nothing else exists.

Between two people, there are those silent expressions of affection. Words don't do it justice. There are the forehead to forehead silences, intensely tight hugs, brushes of cheek to cheek, a harmonious song played through the two minds. A simple eye glance expresses a world of feeling. Racing hearts and internal implosion. This song is what it feels like for me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYlHA2J0Bho.

These chance encounters are beautiful. They are intense in their processes and are so passionate and filled with beauty. This is what love is to me. That connection. It is beyond physical or needing to be physical. It isn't even that you and this other person are living in parallel, it is more like they are living in you. And you in them. The need for sexual intimacy almost doesn't exist in the beginning, because there is too much else to be preoccupied by. You are so infatuated by that feeling of energy.

It is glorious when those connections are discovered. It is difficult when the other person acknowledges them, but behaves in a "practical" manner, doing what is honorable to a previous ingrained relationship. I am respectful, but yet my heart is still divided. So I have hope that those connections exist and will continue on my path of exploration of this world. I wouldn't take that experience back for anything in this world.

synchronicity

I have made a great new friend and is he in my program at school, but we have always kind of existed on the periphery of each other's lives, without really diving deeply into each others worlds. It has been interesting, and I love these kinds of friendships. For months, the two of us would kind of observe and admire one another, always deeply interested in what the other was thinking or doing at any given moment, or wondering what the other person's life consisted of outside of school.

Anyway, finally we decided to take the plunge and actually have a real full on conversation outside of school. It was huge. And it became confirmed why I am so intrigued by this person. He really is fantastic.

But we started getting on the topic of synchronistic experiences. And I really didn't understand what he meant by them, but after us dissecting what they were, I realized that so much of my life in the past few years has been filled with them.

Most profoundly have been the events after nursing school and before naropa university and everything in between. I realize that the string of processes that I went through in order to get to where I am today are touching for me because I feel like there were so many stepping stones.

Because I didn't pass my nursing board each time, I was forced after that last and arduous time of it to really take an opportunity to look inward. I was exhausted and truly disinterested in "overwhelming this one with hard work." It just was beginning to feel like there were things in my life for me other than nursing. All of a sudden, my contribution to society wasn't going to be at the bedside. And I was terrified of that. But this was my opportunity to do one of two things: I could have allowed myself to be terrified and feel it, or I could have tried with all of my might to avoid feeling it and make my place at the beside. I chose the former. So there was my first part in this synchronistic experience. I let life lead me.

And then I had my two roommates last year who did their undergrad at Naropa. And these are two of the most fantastic women I've ever met. So full of heart and spirit. And they introduced me to what Naropa taught them. And I didn't realize it at the time, but I was hooked. Hooked on the opportunity there for me to be expanded.

So I was looking on the internet a few months back, and stumbled on the program that I am now in. And in the description of what the Transpersonal Counseling Psychology degree, I felt that it was right. It was exactly what I was looking for. It found me. So a month or so after that I was having lunch with a friend, who was helping me sort out the dilemma of applying or not. It was a matter of having to potentially hae to take three prerequisites over the summer. Not enthusiastic about that. But she told me to try it, what was the worst that could happen? I listened. Two weeks later, I was in.

Synchronistic experiences are doubled sided. They are those developments in our lives that place experiences, people, etc in our path and it is just a question of what we do with those opportunities. I don't see it as coincidence, I see it as an element of fate. Not necessarily that someone of a higher power was leading me to Naropa, but through life...Naropa found me. And he I am, in a position that I never thought I would be in. So we must listen to what is placed in front of us, see and understand it, be open and willing to it, embrace it. I am thankful every day now that I was these things, because without it, I may still be trying to force a path on myself for someone else's sake.

projections

There are so many things that I am learning around the idea of projections. I am discovering how much of my (and our) behavior is really controlled by projections. I am seeing how they limit my own interaction with others and myself. I am really finding which are truest to me and which are merely a result of external influence. And lastly, I am really being humbled by their presence and curious of their complexity.

I am seeing right now that from the moment we are born, there are influences that are coming from society, parents, friends, etc. And those influences are stimulating humans to form "interjections" which are otherwise known as internalized stories, tapes, whatever you want to call them. But these stories are internalized messages that we take with us everywhere, these impressions of how we believe certain types of people are, what experiences are going to be, what the world is comprised of. And I have seen that throughout my childhood and adulthood, my behavior has been...in part due to these internalized messages that I have carried along with me. And so much of what these projections stem off of is experience. So for example say that I have a really bad experience at Starbucks (why would I be in Starbucks in the first place? GO LOCAL!). My internalized message then would be that all Starbucks will produce a negative experience, so I will just avoid them on the general.

This is an example where my projections on people, environments, and experiences can prove to be limiting. Unfortunately, I know that I have surrendered to my projections but now feel as though I am at an advantage because there is now an awareness of how pervasive they are, and more importantly that they don't need to be.

I reflect though and I see that so much negativity that I had projected onto other people, or kinds of people I should say would therefore prevent me from having an enriched experience, because my own manifestation of surrendering to my projections is avoidance. In the past, if I feel negatively about a certain environment, I would have avoided it completely.

So here is where an interesting juncture comes in my development. Since my awareness of these projections and their strength is in the forefront of my mind, now is the time to really discriminate between what is exclusively a product of influence, and what is at the heart of me. And for me that deserves introspection and an opportunity to allow moments arise where projections surface. And then from there determine how to behave in a manner that is truest for Greer. I feel as though these projections are worth engaging. I feel as though the pulling apart genuine versus enforced will really allow an individual to reach a deeper level of authenticity.

loosening the reigns

I have been struggling with this control issue for a little while, and I feel as though I've talked about it throughout some of my blogs. And there are two main areas in which my need for control is the most profound: exercise and money.

There it is. Something that I have been so afraid to admit to for so long, but there it is staring at me in the face. Well it is staring at me through cyber space. But never the less, here are two areas where I feel pressured. Pressured by structure that I place on myself, I make rules for myself...it is interesting how it has gotten to the point that it has without me having such an awareness of it.

Well it isn't so much that I didn't have an awareness of it, but it was more of I didn't have an awareness of how much it was impacting me. It was almost as if the water level had reached to my nose and I didn't even know the water was rising. Not really that exaggerated because I can still breathe :-) but interestingly enough, the metaphor fits.

But here I am now, and I am so deeply aware of how these habitual patterns of mine have gotten me to this point. And that is really where it is rooted. We are influenced by so many factors: parents, friends, society, institutions that all plant these seeds in our mind of what it means to live a structured life.

And since my life before these cycles started wasn't necessarily as structured other than the influence of my parents and the rules they placed on me, I was a little bit lost as to where I should start. And then it isn't a few years down the road that I realize my life is a big pattern.

A pattern of structure and pressure that I put on myself (mainly in just the two areas listed above). But in those two areas, it is pervasive enough that I want to change this behavior in all areas. I want my life to be structured of course, but I want there to be the opportunity to let my wings fly. For me to live. And really live.

The structure I feel is good and bad. It allows me to know my limitations and understand my boundaries, but then again I feel as though it places un necessary boundaries around me and my abilities. It places stress on my body and mind that isn't deserved. I long to feel a more vivid sense of freedom in these two areas. And I know that with awareness comes opportunity for change.

So I will be patient with the process, and know that with time my wings will span and I will soar.

the world of feminism

I attended this fantastic live showing of a tv show that is in the process of broadcasting 6 pilot episodes with the ope and dream that hey will one day be part of mainstream television. Well, I went with one of my newest and dearest friends and our night consisted of remarkably good Thai cuisine, this live broadcast, and then wonderful wine and dessert. But I was reflecting on what was my favorite part of the show, and there was an interview portion of the hour long program where the host, Stuart Davis (google him...he's fantastic) actually brought his two daughters' godmothers to answer questions. And these two women, from the moment they walked up on the stage, resonated wisdom and knowledge.

So the topic of last night's discussion was Feminism. And really what Stuart Davis was hoping to get from these women was the role that feminism plays in each of us. He was discussing his own role in teaching his two daughters their place in this world and how to keep them from surrendering to the influences that society has placed on both men and women.

But the part that I loved the most was an opinion that there should be much more emphasis on teaching the importance of the realization to young women that there should be no reason to surrender in any form. There should be no point in a woman's life where she should ever feel as though succumbing to what men, society, and institutions desire is acceptable. One of the god mothers was so confident in her believing that every woman, no matter what age, has the power to say no. And that really got into me. I was reflecting while I was listening to these interviews and realizing that from a young age, I was shown how powerful I was as a woman. And I truly didn't realize how critical that upbringing was until I was seated in this audience and listening. Because it was at that moment, that I felt so comfortable in where I was as a woman.

But there is so much heat centered around feminism. I feel like the majority of people when they hear that word think of crusades and marches, fighting for the right to have a voice and the right to vote. But feminism isn't something that only lives in women. It is something that lives in men, but I feel as a culture men are afraid of letting their feminine edge be expressed. But I think men expressing these polarities allow themselves to be connected with women on a much more profound level. And this coin has two sides, because I feel as though it is critical as women to have our masculinities as part of our femininity.

Feminism for me today lives in the now. We are one of very few societies today where women are actually able to go anywhere in the country and say and do whatever feels natural. That in and of itself is empowering. So feminism for me right now is the feeling internally that I can be and do ANYTHING. It isn't about this in your face mentality of women reigning supreme and me feeling like it needs to blasted on the loudspeaker. It is about equality but keeping the internal fire alive. I am a strong woman with fierceness yet gentility. I really do believe that for me the best balance is allowing my feminine side to run the show, but keeping enough room for the bear in me. Maybe I am just a bear with a bow.

thanks to the giving

Oh the day of giving thanks. Here I am doing a little bit of reflection...shocker. But realizing that my god there is so much in this world that I have to be thankful for. I was catching up with my beautiful friend Eve tonight and we were discussing some of the life changes she is going through right now. And what is so amazing about her is that she gets so passionately and internally involved with her process that all she can do is talk and talk and explore her mind and navigate her emotions. But in the meantime, while dealing with all of these changes going on in and around her, she wants a turtle. And not just any turtle, a miniature turtle, even though--unbenownced to her, miniature turtles don't exist. Those are just baby turtles. But she has decided against this marvelous idea, because turtles live to be about 100 years old. And I made a comment in return to her statement on the longevity of turtles, and I said..."you CAN'T get a turtle now, because then it would outlive us!" And as I mentioned that, I became scared.

I became scared of not being alive all of a sudden, I became so consumed for about 10 seconds over this reality that it was almost all overpowering. It was bizarre, and it made me realize that no matter what, there is so much beauty in this world that I feel deserves recognition.

I love that I have this incredible set of courses that I am taking right now that is challenging me and expanding me as an individual more than I have ever experienced in my life. I love that I have an adoring family that calls and reaches out to me 200000 times a day (sometimes too often). I love that whenever I walk into my room, it is warm because I love being warm. I love that I have friends that I can count on to be there for me when I need them. I love that whenever I walk into my work office, I can guarantee that I will laugh for 90% of the time. I love that I live in a town where the backyard is breathtakingly beautiful. I love that coffee now comes with a intricate design woven into the foam. I love that people stop and say genuinely say hello to one another. I love that I am comfortable with who I am as a human being so that I don't have to ask those unanswerable questions regarding my identity (at least for the moment). I love that my mother still comes and wakes me up in the morning when I'm home and lies beside me until I am awake. And I love even more that when I get up, she asks me for 5 more minutes. I love that my father loves to spend his day on his back porch reading with a glass of wine and the sounds of the creek. I love that I have a brand new nephew who is two months old who I don't even know very well and am already obsessed with. I love that people read this blog. I love that even though I have had a rough stretch of it, I still find beauty in the day. I love that I can still think of those people I have lost with fondness and smiles. I love that I still knit and hook rugs. I love that I still do paint by numbers. I love vintage t-shirts. I love nutella. I love the day and the clear sky. I love that there is a paragraph that I have already written on things I love and that I could still go on.

I won't though. Because I feel like filling you with things that I love and am thankful for, isn't really as meaningful to each of you personally. So think about what you are thankful for, and what you love in this world. And express it in whatever way you feel appropriate. There is so much beauty in the simplicity of the day. But I feel it is important to both see and feel that beauty. It is the simple beauty that in my mind is the truest.