sometimes I forget

Somewhere along the way I convinced myself that most problems were easily dealt with on my own. And that when issues would arise, I would deal with them solo, progressing forward through my day and allowing life to absorb the hurt and pain.

For many years, and this has been most prominent in my life during nursing school. Each day I was challenged with anxiety and pressure, insomnia and sadness, I was lonely and felt lost in this smoky cloud of fear. I couldn't see where I was going, I couldn't understand how I got there, and I absolutely didn't see a way to the end. And despite the fact that I drew on my closest family members for comfort and relief, for the most part I dealt with the heart of the matter on my own.

Now this isn't to say that my support systems weren't there, I am sure that they would have come to my side in a moment's notice. But I found myself straddling the fence between wanting to let people in and see that I was vulnerable and exposed, and not wanting to inconvenience people with "my problems."

And therefore I stayed on that fence for many years...and it resulted in me longing to just have people at my side to comfort and hold me, yet not wanting to feel like I was burdening other people's time, or expending other people's energy and taking away from their own lives.

I feel as though this mindset has migrated into more of a comfortable medium but there are definitely moments when I still struggle. Sometimes when I am in the midst of hurt and sadness, and am right back in that maze of smoke, I will lose sight of my support systems. I have matured and grown and know that they are there, but still there are times when I have a difficult time immediately going to them.

I have pride and stoicism that runs through my veins that unfortunately wins over acceptance and surrender, and the ease and comfort of reaching out. I have changed through. I think of it as circumstantial, meaning at certain times I will immediately go to those networks of love around me.

But again those moments plague me, when I am sad and decide to go it alone. I want to never lose sight of my support systems, and never lose the knowledge that they are there for me and stand near me with outstretched arms.

hold on tightly and let go lightly

There are so many things that we grasp onto. And we grasp onto these things with such a veracious grip that seems inhuman. These are things spanning from core beliefs, fears of being vulnerable, ideals of perfection, impressions of how relationships should be, definitions of success, the importance of tradition, the list goes on and on.

I find that in my own time I have clung on to so many things of this nature with a grip that seems impossible to release. I have my own dilemma regarding what perfection means to me, how I want my relationships to be in my life, my ideals and morals, my impression of success, what it means to be wealthy, and the ever so prominent desire for control.

All of these issues have taken place at the forefront of my brain, setting up camp as a main focus of my attention and energy and I am seeing trends in my behavior which have allowed me to truly understand their place and power in my world.

These expectations and standards of living have been a result of influence from a myriad of places over my life. I have taken in information from all parties, family, friends, institutions, academics, and I have utilized what I have learned and adopted it for myself.

In retrospect I have seen myself and the opportunities that I took to fully adopt life mentalities from people throughout my life. I am so keenly aware of my inability to absorb their ways of living and appreciate them for what they are, take for myself what is applicable to my core beliefs, and use them as my own. I instead ignored what I needed for my own personal satisfaction and instead added them fully to my own repertoire.

It brings me then to another question, what are my morals and values? What are my core beliefs? And not the morals, values, and core beliefs that stem from influence, the ones that come me. And just me. Maybe I don't have them.

But then if I sit down and ask myself this question, I can go through in my mind what I want for myself and my personal satisfaction, and that is genuine. I think those beliefs were there the whole time I just didn't know to search for them and use them. It is an important process to live just for yourself and nobody else. We hold on to these preconceived notions of how you should live and what you should for yourself so tightly, and now is the time to let go lightly.

rushing the system

You cannot rip the skin from the snake, it will shed when its ready. Same mentality applies to people and their individual processes.

It is an interesting place that I have come to in my life...and I as I reflect over the last few years, and see where I have been and where I have come both emotionally and spiritually, I notice one main thing: the process wasn't forced upon me, I didn't have someone who was a spiritual guru trying to pump me full of "opportunities for realization..."

In my particular example, I would have moments of realization that my life needed to seriously change. I had them numerous times within nursing school, and they would come at moments that seemed at the time pretty unexpected and out of the blue. But that to me is what solidified them all the more. That I wasn't in someone's company, with them explaining to me where I was doing wrong to myself and others and how it needed to change.

It was completely from myself, and with that inner patience and opportunity to let emotions surface at their own time, the experience seemed much more real.

I have had an opportunity to watch someone from afar and experience on the periphery a tumultuous and stormy period. I have seen this person acting in ways that I know she knows aren't good for her, but yet I let her experience them and I allow myself to provide as much support and love as I can around her. For I know that she will come to her own realization in her own time. And I will be there for her as she battles the uphill climb back to who I know she is at the core.

For I believe that it stops becoming our process when someone forces their experiences and influences on us. And then it becomes less genuine and less powerful. So in my mind, don't try and rush your own process. Don't try to place yourself in situations where you will see the light or error of your ways. Allow yourself to glide through these waves of enlightenment and be patient. Your mind and heart will follow in their own time.

you can't stop the waves...

There are many times in my life and especially as of late where I am finding waves of emotion surfacing in me. In the past, I have been habitual in the sense that I am so eager and quick stop these profound yet indescribable moments of total emotional consumption. I am afraid of what they mean, the stigmas surrounding them, their permanence in my life, and their power.

So often do we all do this, especially with negative emotion. Say that we are progressing through life, really "content" with the routine...the relationships, the occupation, social engagements, obligations, etc...and all of a sudden we have a surge of realization that we are truly unhappy. Unhappy just in general, non-specific toward any event in particular, just that general malaise and sense of being weighted down by a pressure on our bodies.

In my experience, the immediate response is avoidance. It is a turning of the back on the emotion itself, because "I have no reason to feel this way. There is nothing in my life going wrong, therefore the emotion must not really exist. And if in fact it is here tomorrow, then it may exist, but I will stop it from being there." And we try to use this illusionary control in our lives to predict the nature of our day.

And we put armor on our bodies, and distract ourselves with friends and family, activities and hobbies, and assume that with this armor around us, we cannot be penetrated. And yet it still comes back. And it comes back with ten times the veracity. So we put a shield in front of us, saying you aren't coming anywhere near me. I can beat you.

So we try and stop it. But I have come to a new realization. Instead of trying to stop the waves from coming, which is counterproductive because the shore is consistently flooded with waves both big and small, try and surf on them. This life wasn't meant to be avoided and battled against. It was meant to flow with the current. We were meant to welcome the emotions, see them as part of who you are, not all inclusive to your identity.

Interesting how we are not intimidated by feelings of overwhelming joy, elation, eurphoria...because they aren't "painful." But the so called negative emotions that we have been conditioned to reject, are only as painful as we make them. Do not be scared of them, for they have powers that we cannot imagine. So when you find yourself in the midst of sorrow, loneliness, pain, or sadness, ride that wave. And ride it with an open arm.

trying not to be impatient

A new influence in my life is one of my teachers at school. I have never met a person who was more steeped in his practice of cultivating awareness. He has a remarkable ability to reference teachings and readings from his entire life, and throughout the course of this particular class, he has given me numerous seeds that I am planting into my own repertoire of life lessons.

We had a discussion on impatience. There are few people that I know who genuinely APPEAR as though they are patient. It just seems like everyone has their own places to be, agendas to be satisfied, obligations to adhere to...and the day is spent centered around needing. And yet we are all striving to not let those things effect us. We try not to be rattled by no shows, we try to be okay with our lunch date running fifteen minutes behind, we try to not boil when flights are delayed...yet we can't help it. Where did all of this happen? Where in the line of development did this trend win?

I Think about the chaos and unrest in our lives and beings that is merely a blossom from the tree of impatience. Because of impatience, we don't live peaceful existences and it is through outbursts of anger and short wicked tempers that are just the manifestation from a mind of impatience. We aren't concerned for the well being of others, we are really more passionate and consumed with having our own personal voids filled.

A beautiful story he shared focused on the value of patience and the danger of impatience: a man comes onto a cocoon, and thrilled that he is about to witness a true miracle of nature, he grabs it and places it in the palm of his hand. His excitement and eagerness overwhelms and he begins to blow warm air on it, to help facilitate this transformation. After a few minutes, slowly the cocoon begins to open. A struggling butterfly, with wet wings battles flight in the palm of his hand. And there right in front of him, the prematurely born butterfly dies. And he described it as one of the heaviest weights on his person. He was so consumed with his own needs, that the needs of others were abandoned.

And in this idea...I feel like we are all working on "trying not to be impatient." But isn't that what impatience is? You don't try to be patient. Either you are patient, or you aren't. But trying to be is not patience. Therefore, I work every day to one day wake up and be...patient.

just do one thing

One of my biggest problems...

Just do one thing at a time. As a member of this culture of overstimulation, I am the ultimate multi-tasker. Texting while driving, talking while cooking, writing emails while watching a movie, talking on the phone and texting on the phone at the same time, knitting while driving (go mom)...the list goes on and on.

And multi tasking is a skill that I truly have mastered. I used to be the kind of person that marveled at my ability to be three places at once. I would use it to my advantage, and allow that skill to feed on itself until I had a cold and hard realization...I wasn't being present.

In one of my classes, the theme of the three hour lecture was: learn to just do one thing. And become as good as you can at doing just one thing. But see we aren't creatures who are used to that. We have been conditioned to excel and become productive on doing and being many things at once. We have turned efficiency into a primary goal in this life...trying to pack in and accomplish the most possible in one day. We equate it with success, and to us success is happiness.

But I turn another corner now, I don't want to be doing three things at once. I don't want to be the person in the line at the grocery store who is on the cell phone, who has to have two simultaneous conversations at once. I don't want to be the person who is listening to a friend speak, but have my mind on a myriad of other things. It isn't fair to myself or the people that I love.

Therefore, I use that desire to be efficient and productive and place it toward being fully present in doing just one thing. For example, I didn't look at my cell phone once during the time it took me to write this blog. God I love progress.

why do i need the validation?

I am discovering things about myself and my relationships...and it has entered into my awareness really through friendships.

Most of my being is confident. I have elements of my world and my persona and how I interact with things and people around me that I don't question. I know that I have a good head on my shoulders, I know that I am curious about life and its complexity. I know that I have people around me who love and care about me. I am confident in my work in both the office and classroom setting.

But as of late, and due to recent circumstances, my abilities to be a friend have been questioned. I had a door closed on me by a friend, in an attempt for her to fulfill needs of her own and in pursuring what it is that makes her truly happy from the inside out, I was cut out of the mix. And in my mind it was abrasive and hurtful, and I was not given an opportunity to speak my peace.

And what did I do with that information? I questioned MYSELF. How could this possibly be happening, and what have I done wrong to facilitate this behavior in someone I considered a pretty close friend? All of my questions were directed inward, assuming with all of my rational and logical being that I had behaved poorly, that I had hurt her...

I realized I craved and absolutely demanded validation from my other friendships that I was a contribution to their lives, that I had a place higher than a shut door. That I was a partner with them, a kindred spirit, that we could discuss anything and everything, and more than all else, that they knew I was there for them. Part of the communication between this friend of mine in the circumstance was that I was accused of not being genuine, being dominant, and that I never took the time to get to know her.

Those words were the most hurtful, because despite my extroverted and full life, I make it a point to allow my friends and family to know that my genuine ear and heart are theirs.

The need for validation doesn't now doesn't make me question my confidence in myself. But it did. And I was bruised. My ego and self container were tainted, and for a brief moment, I had a broken wing and a broken spirit. But now, I look forward, take that lesson, know that we are EVOLVING DAILY, and with each new day and new sunrise comes learning.