what place does money hold?

This blog was written with a slight amount of preoccupation. There has been much going on in my life outside of my blog with personal and work related issues. So if this entry appears mundane, confusing, superficial, I apologize before hand. My mind is in the clouds!

God isn't this a lesson. So for me here, ever since being detached from dad (well for the most part), I have realized that I have kind of a twisted relationship with money. Well, in the eyes of most Americans who are consumed with debt, they would probably admire my system, but for me...I don't know.

Ever since I really became my own source of income and spending, I have found that money actually does play a huge part in life. I am in this in between with so many thoughts circling my head on this topic. There are the constant questions and statements such as: it's only money, can I actually go on this trip, how much should I be saving a month, should I be working a full time job instead of three part time, what about benefits, can I go to that movie I've been dying to see...they are just endless. And I actually have found myself missing out on some cool opportunities because I couldn't validate the money being worth the experience. Is that life?

As with everything, do it in moderation. Have a balance. Do the things you love, take on new challenges and experiences, make sure that you say YES! to the things that matter to you, but also realize that you have boundaries. It is a double edged sword, but there is a time to spend and a time to save.

Ever since I have moved to Boulder, I feel as though I have been depriving myself from a financial standpoint. I do say no to things because I don't know if I can really afford it. When...I can! That is the thing, is I know I can. But on the other end, as a defense, it is my hard earned money and I know what I want to splurge on. But still...there are the ever present questions that circle...Yes it is only money, but money does get you security, it gets you a comfortable lifestyle, it gets you food, some of the essentials of survival.

So where is the line drawn? I feel like each person's line is going to be individual. But the main lesson here is this: when you are detached from your parents financially, your life as you knew it monetarily is going to change somewhat. Sacrifices are going to be made, challenges faced, and decisions belabored. So make those sacrifices, face the challenges and belabor the decisions that are relevant to your life and the kind of life that you want to have. Be smart.

look before you leap

Throughout my blogs, I hope that I haven't given the impression that nursing school was a wasted education. First of all, it wasn't for me, it was miserable and challenging as I was in the midst of it, but on reflection I took home gifts. For me, the battle wasn't appreciated until I walked across that stage at graduation. I feel as though no education is ever wasted. People used to always come to me and say, wow...how are you feeling, knowing that you spent your undergraduate education in a field that you won't use? And I always respond with, I became a human adult during those two years, and for that I wouldn't trade it for the world. And I have had this conversation with so many people who are my age and a year below, who have just finished college and are entirely terrified because they are suddenly on their own with a degree that is useless in their minds. I encourage people to see through to the other side of education and the stigma that our society has given it.

For me, I knew that I wasn't going to "be one of those kids who doesn't use their bachlor degree." I had put this pressure on myself (God who knows where that comes from), but I had made it a point in my mind that if I was entering into nursing, I would use it. I was going to be a nurse. Awkward. Back to the main topic at hand, I took home many gifts from nursing school.

I became an adult during those two years. I understood pain. I felt anxiety. I suffered with my patients. I guided them through the course of illness. I planned with them on how to "appropriately inform the family of the bad news." I saw death. But I also saw joy. I experienced remission. I witnessed miracles. I learned to listen. My heart grew. I became spiritual. I learned to seek advice. And I learned to advise.

On advise. I remember a lecture we had been given by a professor during one of our more spiritual classes in nursing school. It was an ability for a student to understand the emotional side of nursing and allowed us to become very familiar with ethical, moral, and cultural dilemmas that nurses commonly face. But the professor said to us, "never advise a patient until you are sure of your own feelings on the matter." Wow. So true.

I explored various scenarios that are commonly seen in a hospital...fear, anxiety, choosing to keep someone alive or not, helplessness, pain and betrayal. One example comes to mind, I had been spending my days on the Oncology Unit, satisfying my obligation for the second year nursing practicum. A man and his wife arrived on 5South only to be greeted warmly and graciously by the nursing staff (this wasn't their first visit to the hospital). Well this man had been battling bone cancer for quite some time, and this last visit was to give it one last shot and try a drug that was still going through clinical trials and had not yet been completely approved. Imagine being in that state of mind..."Last ditch effort." God. And while I was going about my routine and getting to know him, he looked at me and said, "Greer how am I going to get through this, how am I going to be strong for my family?" And truly stunned I replied with (while looking at a photo of his 10 month old son in the bathtub) "You fight every day for that child. All I want you to do is for those moments that you feel weak and unable to fight, look at that picture. And fight for you boy." And he was soothed.

I wouldn't have been able to help him if I hadn't had the opportunity on my own to discover my own feelings on life and death. I discovered that the present is all you have. The people around you are all you've got. Cherish these moments you have, and cherished the loved ones who surround you. So with that, I searched within and told him to lean on his son for strength.

My point is this. Before you advise anybody, know in your heart how you feel. Advise someone how you would want to be advised. You would never want to provide someone with misguided information. There is a point where we must just surrender to the rise and fall of the sun. I feel as though all of the emotions that humans go through, the good and the bad are like the wind...we can't see them or touch them, but we can feel them. So feel where you stand. Find your ground. Whether it be in a hospital or any other setting, we are all in this together.

crippling criticism

As I entered my interview at Naropa University, I found myself nervous/excited, but so eager to come face to face with my potential future. After navigating my way through the main lobby where the human size sand zen garden was, I found a seat next to a statue of buddha. We chatted for a moment, discussed wordly things, and he was very patient and sat with me with a permanent jubilant smile on his face.

This young man called my name after emerging from one of the five offices surrounding the lobby, called my name, "Madeline Van Dyck..." of course and asked me to come follow him. With trepidation, I obliged. I had a certain expectation of how the interview was going to go, and was appropriately nervous. But these two interviewers were so welcoming and made it very clear how excited they were that I had decided to apply. After many of the standard questions I was anticipating having to answer, they gave me a surprise. They asked me, "How do you feel about being criticized and how do you feel about criticizing others?"

The answer came almost immediately to me. I knew in my heart how I felt on the matter and spoke as genuinely as I could. For me, being criticized is an interesting exercise. Because of my past, desperate to try and "make right the wrong I did," I have tried to live this relatively seamless life. Not saying though that I have a problem with my own mistakes but I try to make them as infrequent as possible...along with everyone on this planet. There is no element of my brain that thinks of any human as perfect, but I know that everyone strives to be as subtle with negative virtues as possible.

So I immediately said. "Well when I am criticized, I immediately suffocate. It becomes physical. But after a short period of time, a minute or two, I immediately release much of my own internal tension. Then I begin to regain my feeling and search the person who made the comment for clarity. This isn't to say that I get defensive, because I am not trying to revoke what has been said, I am just trying to understand it. I find myself discontent until I find my own inner resolution with it."

I feel as though some people can become whole heartedly consumed with words of others. I know I used to be. If someone would say something negative in my direction regarding my behavior, I would resent them. If a person is criticized, they can immediately internalize it, take it to be true, even if the comment is unprovoked, unnecessary, or untrue. And then that person is forever (or temporarily) changed and they have found themselves having dedicated copious energy to a manifested insecurity of someone else.

For the second part of the question, I responded with "I am a confrontational person. If there is instability in my relationships, it is brought to the surface. I have too much awareness of my own state of mind, that if I have things that need saying, I will say them." The woman immediately asked me why I feel the need to say them. And I responded with "well, I can't sleep otherwise. I need to know that all is well in my circle." Make sure all is well in your circle. Go to sleep at night knowing that you have been exactly who you are and said your peace. It is critical for peace of mind and self growth.

Therefore today's lesson is as follows: when you are receiving criticism, don't be immediately defensive. Search for clarity in the statement, search for the truth. Don't immediately assume that the statement is intended to be hurtful. Assume that the person making the comment is there to be your support, help facilitate your growth, make you better. As far as criticizing others is concerned, handle it as though you yourself would want to be handled. We all deserve in this life to be there for one another, lend a hand, provide adequate reliability and accountability.

The beauty of closure

Ask yourself this question: what to you, is closure? Given the events in your life, closure is usually associated with negative ones, it is an element of the grieving process and a facet of attempting to accept life on its terms. I was having a talk with a friend of mine who is suffering the loss of a loved one. Finding it hard to achieve "closure."

I think when a loved one is lost, you are almost afraid to have closure. I know that I was as a result of the unexpected death of one of my most cherished friends in the world, Eve Carson. I was scared to have closure, because for a moment I thought it had meant that I had moved on, that I was beginning to think less of her, that I was beginning to forget the nightmare. I wouldn't allow myself to have closure for many weeks, I kept taking myself through the motions of grieving. I would cycle back and forth between sobs to sleepless nights to days of preoccupation. My thoughts would center around the actual event, I would put myself (or at least try to the best that I could) in the position that she was in, have myself go there. That is something that I actually had never done with similar circumstances, and it made me appreciate that every human being has their own way of coping. For me, I had to go there. I had to imagine it.

But see closure in a new light. See closure as an opportunity to be at peace. Do not see closure as a door closed, but rather as a new bloom. See it as your own chance to find what it is about a negative event that has impacted you positively. For example, with Eve's death I have grown substantially in numerous ways. I have learned that (as cliche as it sounds), my days are going to be cherished. I will never miss out on a chance taken, I will never regret, I will love my world and the people around me. I can honestly say that yes I had this mentality before, but I am living the change I want to see in this world. I am going to be the best woman I can be, the best supporter, encourager, motivator, helper, contributor, teacher, student, friend, sister, daughter, etc. I will be all of these things for Eve. I also gained insight into the fact that the world is boundless with endless opportunity to explore and learn. We are students of the earth. So there for me, I have found peace and with peace comes closure.

Closure to me means stopping asking the unanswerable questions (the "why's"). Closure means processing life and its unpredictibility on your own terms. Don't force closure to come. As I was having this talk with my friend, I found myself saying that for me closure didn't come at once or even over a couple of days. It came bit by bit, through realizations on my own time, discoveries into my own personality, and patience.

Lesson for Tuesday: Be patient with closure. Do not see closure as a miraculous epiphany. It will come as the days begin and pass. It will present itself in a unique form, probably something that you didn't expect. But know that closure comes. Your mind and heart will soften, your spirit will be at rest. Out of the darkness, flowers bloom.

be the change.

I was talking to this friend and we were obsessing over the gloriousness of rock climbing. This is a new hobby of mine that I have grown to absolutely adore. The ability for me to spend my afternoon scaling a beautiful, mysterious and monumental rock appeals to my senses. It isn't something that I have really been given the opportunity to explore until I moved out to Colorado. Don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a climbing gym, but there is everything right with the real thing.

Moving past that, in the same conversation with this friend, we were talking about the state of our world right now. We are living in a generation of astronomical change on so many levels. So much change in society, government, technology, consciousness, interaction and awareness. It got me thinking about the importance of change. So many people I feel are very afraid of change and for good reason. Change isn't always necessarily a comfortable thing or a painless thing. Despite the fact that change in a persons life can be liberating, much of it can be damaging. For me, nursing school was a time of extreme change. All of it was internal, and very little of it was painless, but on the outset of recognizing that only change can bring about growth was I able to appreciate it. But I didn't want to make the effort at first...too hard. But I couldn't be happier that I did.

Obviously, these times in our world are full of the kind of change that shakes you to your core. We are seeing the damaging effects of global warming, we are seeing political uproar, but on the other hand we are seeking remarkable advancements in the technological world which provide society with extreme efficient and productive movement.

So change. Why is it that some are unwilling to change? Well I asked this question to another buddy of mine and he seemed to think that a good reason people are sometimes unwilling to put bring about necessary change (for example being environmentally conscious) is that it requires a significant amount of effort to live efficiently. So therefore, some people don't have the energy or time to put forth that kind of effort. But jeez, as far as environmental awareness goes, that is a huge concern. So if we're on the global warming boat right now, lets dig deeper. If it is such as big of an issue as people make of it, why aren't more people making the necessary adjustments? Is it denial? Is it ignorance? Fear?

If I could guess, I would say that people are probably very scared of the direction our planet is going, very scared of what is to come. Probably there is an element of denial yes, but overall I believe that the necessary changes aren't being made because there isn't the interest or financial means to invest significant energy (pun intended) to it. And it absolutely requires dedication. So instead of feeling overwhelmed by the amount of change necessary, help out in small ways at every opportunity. They don't have to be larger than life changes, but every bit helps.

Lesson # kajillion: At the end of the day, here is how I feel. "Be the change that you want to see in the world." (Mohandas Ghandi) The changes that run through your blood, the effort you want to see happen, what shakes you to your core, live that change. So many people are of the mindset of change and feel the beauty of its flower, but you cannot appreciate change unless you act on it. So whether it be a change for you as a person or for the betterment of mankind, live it in your day.

finding sanctity in the transition

I was never of the impression that humans were meant to be one thing. Thank you Madeline Van Dyck. My mother, has exhausted the professional world. She has done exactly the things that SHE wanted to do. She understands her talents and strengths, uses them, and applies them to tons of various occupational arenas. For me, I have grown up under an umbrella of privilege, but have been taught that money does not provide you what you want it is that determination, diligence, perseverance, dedication, and the will. Those don't come from anywhere but within. Look for them.

For me, I did finish nursing school with the intention of yes maybe later in life being many things, but for the present and near future, nursing would be my focus. What is interesting is that I finished my undergraduate education with the exact same mental attitude as when I entered. I was going to do nursing, and consider very little else. WHAT? Awkward.

I came to Boulder honestly with the mentality that I in no way was going to "float." And what I mean by float is this: there are so many people post graduation who just float for a while, "figuring out what they want." But what I don't like about floating, is people use it as a period of time to distract themselves from entering the real world. They are taking a break from reality, and while I now appreciate it for what it is, I didn't always. Well that wasn't going to be me, because frankly I was above it, and "I knew what I wanted." (insert obvious arrogance). But this is absolutely something that no one was really privy to, because I never talked about it. I was a little ashamed of my pettiness so therefore really worked through those issues as best as I could on my own. What did I end up doing? I floated. Worked filler jobs...I was in transition.

Within a relatively short period of time though, I changed. I wanted to do so much. I wanted to wear many hats. And I entered into my exploration to find my gifts. What was it about me that was unique, what cards did I hold that make me a worthy candidate? I searched within, journaled about it, talked about it, cried about it, got anxiety over it, but found sanctity in the transition from certainty to uncertainty. Then slowly, I discovered something that moved me. I love talking to people, I love offering and seeking advice, I love hearing people's stories. It really does make me feel whole.

Lesson for today: sometimes we embark on educational paths with the hopes that upon graduation, we will emerge with a solid impression of where we will go with it. But it didn't turn out that way for me. I am now doing things that I never imagined I would be doing. And so cherish that period of uncertainty and appreciate it for what it is. It isn't easy, but it is an important exercise. Be many things in your life.

working my way through the ice

Everyone has certain aspects of their personality that really only family members and close friends have the opportunity to see but the general public will have no real awareness of. If anyone who is reading this is thinking that they don't have them, you do. I promise. And I was thinking as to why we allow ourselves to wear these different hats in front of our friends and family, but are adamant about showing off the best versions of ourselves to others. It's so obvious: they are obligated to be our backbone, our support, so we feel as though we have a little more cushion to be selfish, controlling, unreasonably demanding.

For me, I have struggled with the concept of control. And it started when I was in high school. There are many ways that control, or better yet the desire for control can be expressed. Exercise, diet, friendships, romance, work, home life, etc...For me, if it gets enough to that point, it can seep into all of these arenas, and really make you subject to its bounty. In my life, high school marked the beginning of a need for control. It was as plain and simple as this: I woke up one morning, decided that I was overweight, and was determined to do something about it. And I did. I did it to the point where my body suffered, my heart became heavy, my emotional stamina dwindled, and I slipped into a dark room with no idea of where the light switch was. Before I knew it, I had lost control when all I wanted to do was gain more. After recovering from my episode, life resumed. Years later I was unaware of how significant that stream of events really was, and how symbolic it was of my need to have a tight grip on my life.

This is something that really only my family knows about, but I have a tendency to get in "a mood." It doesn't happen that frequently, but it happens often enough where at the moment, I will be in a mood, have a conversation with my mom, communicate shortness with her, feel badly, hang up, and immediately call back to apologize. Same drill every time. It is inevitable that she will expect a call from me to apologize. Because I see what it is, and I see how hurtful it is.

Sometimes still I find myself being very rigid about my schedule. Ever since I got Luna, cutest pup in the world (even though I'm a bit biased), my rigidity with my daily routine has softened miraculously. In the beginning days of having her, I sometimes got frustrated having to take her out continuously and planning my days around her. From within, I finally got that my frustration was absolutely irrational, and my one track mind found new paths. So I meshed with her. I allowed myself to fully cater to her needs, understanding that I am her provider and nurturer. Cool lesson for me. Pretty unexpected.

I feel like there are going to be events in our lives that change us. Life isn't supposed to be this planned course of expectation where we have a determined plan and just have to live it out. It is meant to be this boundless journey where we are daily evolving. Constantly learning more about who we are and what we are to become, what our place here is supposed to be.

Lesson for today: tap into those elements of your personality that you find yourself only allowing your family and close friends to see because I guess to a certain extent you aren't proud of them. See them and understand what they are and why they are there. Work on making yourself consistent with all audiences. Maybe get a dog. It did wonders for me. Know that a day off from exercise...is okay. Know that the ice can be broken, it just takes the simple exercise of chipping it away. And maybe a little sun bathing. That will help too.