The Cove

I have a very dear friend, who obviously - shocker - is going to go nameless, who spends the majority of his days circling the world, videoing and exploring the world beneath the ocean's surface. He is one of my favorite people of all time. Why? For many reasons, but one is he does and lives his ultimate passions. I am secretly (not anymore) jealous of this way of life. One of the few experiences I have ever had where I felt completely removed and on my own and part of a whole new way of life was when I was scuba diving. From the moment you go beneath the surface, there is a beautiful silence. A silence like I wanted to stay forever.

So what comes up for me as I watch The Cove is basically the same sentiment that comes up in me when I watch another really compelling documentary: how have we gotten to this point in our world? How have we come to a place where we compromise so easily our own integrity for this so called "personal gain." To me these documentaries are so devastating at some point - because what I feel we follow are truly good people at heart, who slowly uncover years of tragic behavior. And as it is uncovered, the viewers are just these naive innocent bystanders who see it all compressed into 90 minutes of documented film. Documentaries to me are kind of strange in that particular way.

What blows my mind more than anything else, is how much energy people dedicate to inhumane treatment. And not just on other animals, but really on ourselves as well. I don't know, it baffles me - and what is revealed are years and years of people "working behind the scenes" and "staying deviant after hours" for what? It breaks my heart.

This movie is just another explanation of what I have always felt. And it goes back to the essence of human relationship as well: we are all in this together, and we owe it to each other to support and honor one another authentically, not break the rules for some preconceived personal gain that actually doesn't exist. We have completely missed the boat, and thank god for those who are willing to go out on limbs to risk their lives and reputations for what they believe to be true and right. I long for more people with that kind of bravery. For each one of you - how will you act bravely in your day to day? How will you fight for what is right, and how will you honor your own integrity?

For me...true expression of emotion in the moment that it is happening is my first step in the right direction :)

Emerging

Since November 23, 2009 I haven't written...at least not in this way. And I feel like my life has gone through significant change. When I first began this blog, I was sitting in the kitchen of my mother's best friend's home who lives in Boulder, Utah. Ironically, I had just embarked on the journey of my life - my move to Boulder, CO. And I had no idea what the next 4 years (up until this time) was going to hold for me. All I knew is that "for the next four seasons, I was bound to make Boulder work." Since that time, I have undergone extreme joys and sorrows, I have completed a Masters education in Counseling Psychology, I have met incredible people, I have learned new sports and uncovered thousands of layers of my being. I feel humbled and deeply grateful for the life that I have and the people that have been in the trenches with me.

For the last two years, I have been absorbed by life. My main reason for stopping writing, as many writers have experienced, was due to a "lack of inspiration." Now for me, it's easy to call it a lack of inspiration. But what I really mean is, other things started getting more of my attention, my energy, and my interest. And all of my ideas and thoughts, feelings and emotions were being kept inside of me - sometimes released in conversation with others, but there is nothing like the raw honesty of writing. And in the past few months, and actually ironically today, the message to "start writing again" have come to me. They have always been there now that I look back in retrospect, but now I am starting to pay more attention. My move to Boulder, CO was when my blinders came off - and in regards to my writing, somehow that blinders got put back on. But now they come off again, and I'm ready. I have emerged from another place to continue to express this part of myself.

There is so much to say I find, and it doesn't all need to be said here. I want to continue to express my experiences with others, share what I'm going through and what I'm learning. Because this life is a daily evolution and I am thrilled that the energy is there again for me to start to write. When I think about change, I think that humans are fabulous at handling predicted change. We have it nailed for the change in our life that we create. But where I think there is room for improvement, in my experience obviously is the change that we don't anticipate. I used to wear this necklace every day (for about 5 years) that said "I want to be forever the me that greets change with open arms and heart." Game on.

All I want to say is thank you. I am thankful for the break from writing and excited for the connection back to it. I am thankful for the people who have encouraged me to start back up. I do have much to share and am committed to sharing more.

opening the wound

It as just as I learned in nursing school: in order to ensure a clean wound, you must acknowledge the source, open it, dig through it, remove debris, clean it, close it, and allow it to heal. I have found that the same applies for emotional pain. Through experiences and my time as a student in Counseling Psychology, I have learned the hard way that traditional healing of the wound does not work in the "default" methods that we have become so accustomed to. Sometimes it takes more than a band-aid to really prevent infection and long term damage.

In mental health especially, I have gained an awareness that we are a band-aid oriented culture in the sense that we are so eager to mask symptoms with medication just in order to supposedly integrate them into "normal" behavior. Unfortunately, just as with physical wounds, emotional wounds can create a bigger problem when merely covered with a prescription.

What it does, is forces individuals to rely on a pill a day in order to redistribute biochemical transmitters within the brain so that the balance is in place. However, with time, infection will continue to grow until it is seemingly out of control. Because all that the medication will do is cover up the problem underneath, and will prevent an individual from acknowledging that inner struggle, because for all they know, they are feeling better.

With true emotional healing, the wound at its source must be identified. Once it is named and its origin is understood, then the real work can begin. I am eager to discover how much a person can process through unpleasant experiences and emotions without anything other than conversation. I believe in my heart that we can get farther than we believe we can. This "debriedment" of sorts, when working through emotional turmoil can be extremely painful, just as is the cleaning out of a physical wound, however its power is undeniable.

With that initial painful re-entry back into the source of the hurt, you can really make efforts to moving through it. How is it that we have missed this vital component within the realm of health care? In my nursing school experience in the psychiatric unit, so much of the real humanistic interaction was lost, because patients were sedated as a side effect of their medications.

There is so much fear in the symptoms that surround mental health disturbance, that health care professionals are so eager to have them eradicated that they allow this to cloud over the emphasis on conversation. I have found that so much of what patients want is to be heard and normalized, and when they are merely handed a prescription as a result of admitting to a list of symptoms, their feeling of importance is lost.

I believe that it is my responsibility as a rising mental health professional to make sure that above all else, I realize the power of conversation and the importance of allowing my clients to feel heard and supported. Of course there are always circumstances where western modalities are necessary, I just won't be quick to take that road.

24 has a whole new meaning.

Eve,

I truly can't believe it. I remember where I was and how I felt as I wrote you your last birthday card. I was devastated, crushed, confused, scared...Didn't know what to write until I just relaxed, listened to my sadness, started typing, and all of a sudden I was finished. I want to remember today only with elation as I have for years, but instead am left with an intertwining element of grief. It threads its way through the memories of childhood parties and young blossoming friendships, and I find that I can only maintain my smile for a moment.

I think of you constantly darling friend. You are so much a part of the memories that I have made and am still forming in my life. It is amazing how I feel you, your rich beauty and luscious presence are everywhere in my day. As I sit here with a heavy heart, I find myself grateful that I got 23 years with you and that for my entire life, you have illuminated me.

I have learned acceptance for the fact that I cannot celebrate with you today in person. I have understood that on your birthday now I set aside a portion of my day for just you and me. I venture off alone to the most beautiful places in Boulder so that I can remember and be with you all for myself. I will today find that spot in Boulder, and as my tradition goes, I will scream with joy and pain for you. I will scream for the gifts you have given me, and will scream for the absence of your glow.

Your spirit coarses through me. Just two weekends ago I was in the mountains for an all day workshop with horses and as I stood there in the midst of this beautiful valley with the trees tall and the flawless bluebird sky, it began to snow. I was shocked surprised, and do you want to know what first came to my mind? YOU. I felt you Eve, and I wept as the snow fell all around me. Like I said, your spirit is everywhere.

I dream of you most nights darling friend. I see you in your pajamas on top of a coffee table dancing and singing your heart out. I see you inviting me on an adventure where we will learn great things and build beautiful memories. I see your long beautiful blonde hair, and your oh so classic fashion sense. I see your arms opened wide so that I can have that famous Eve hug. I am thankful to my core that I never see you hurting or sad in my dreams, never see you longing or grieving. I only see you as I experienced you.

I need to tell you something. Since your death, I live fully. For me but because of you, I live fully. You did live each day as it was your last, you did give people the REAL you every moment. One thing I will always admire about you darling bird is your capacity for feeling and not being afraid. Your contentment for what you were experiencing (painful or painless) and your ability to express it used to attract me, and now they are me.

I don't just think that you are ok wherever you are. I feel you are ok. In every step that I take I know you are being provided for and supported. If I could do anything to have you back for one more second I would, but I will settle for the assurance that my bluebird is somewhere safe and flying free.

The happiest of birthdays to you my darling bird. I will think of you always, but especially hard on this day.

With oceans and oceans of love,

Greer

so much to do, so little time

Spreading myself too thin yes is an ongoing theme in my life, and I know that I have both talked and blogged about it, but it is something that I struggle with. It is so interesting, because I was in class the other day, and a classmate of mine was expressing frustration over the same dilemma. He was talking about being a teacher, going to school, and being a husband and father, and how he was being encouraged by the people around him to let go of a few outside of school obligations, so that the academic environment and home life weren't so stressful.

He was expressing conflict because he didn't really want to do this. Well, it wasn't necessarily that he didn't want to, deep down I think that he really did, but was terrified of what it meant to let something go. In his mind it meant that he was going to have to tell somebody "no" and as far as he was concerned, that meant he wasn't as responsible as he could be, and wasn't being as accountable as he could be. And it is amazing, because I was listening to him speak, realizing that for the past year(+) I have struggled with this very thing.

I find myself thriving on being busy. I love having my time filled with things that I love doing which include both school and work, and also mean spending time with my boyfriend, friends, and most importantly - just myself. It isn't a balance that I think comes seamlessly, and I think it is dangerous for us as people to realize a place that we are in life, realize we want to change, and find ourselves so eager to be in a new place. When we carry on this mentality, we forget that to get somewhere, you must go through a process, and that in that process there must be a lot of self care. There must be a level of self awareness that will guide you easily along the road of transformation.

These negative tendencies and habits feel seemingly out of our control, and sometimes I find myself blaming these actions on "habits that are so deeply enmeshed that they are out of control" when really I always have a choice of how to act. That is a remarkable realization that I came to, in that with every point in my life, I have a choice of how I want to behave. Habitual or not, each action is a result of a conscious decision. And for that reason, the habits can be broken.

I feel very strongly though in the idea that we must take care of our own needs when struggling. We must understand that change can be painful, and that it is essential for us to recognize when we don't need to push so hard, or in fact when we need to push harder.

It all goes back to this illusion of control. I feel like the rigidity in the schedule, the impatience, the selfishness, the ignorance, etc are all manifestations of a need for control. And so breaking these habits is in a way surrendering to the feelings of being out of control for a period of time. And so it shouldn't be done as quickly as ripping off of a band-aid. Take it off, a little piece at a time, make sure that you are okay through the process.

groundless

We are learning in class how we have "identities based on contraction." The basic premise behind this is how we come to a point of self actualization in our lives, and are curious about why/how it comes when it comes. We see ourselves as changing beings and don't understand how we got here but are so appreciative that it is present. In this process as well, there is an opportunity to reflect on our live before, and how we have shed this old skin and have grown a beautiful and different new layer of protection.

When I reflected, I saw in myself this presence of an identity based on contraction. And when I say that, it doesn't necessarily mean that my muscles were constantly tensed and I was never relaxed, but it is more a sense of emotional contraction. As we are raised, we are influenced by a myriad of expectation and obligation. We are taught the basic premise of "right and wrong" and what is appropriate and what is inappropriate. We are very rarely ever taught from day 1 to form our own values and beliefs. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, because we cling very dearly to our parents for a sense of guidance. How else would we navigate our way through life if we didn't have authority figures and role models to learn from?

However, I feel like there is a glitch in the system, because so many people find themselves well into adulthood without a basic sense of their own morals, but yet they have traveled along this path of life with the ideals of influence. This is where the sense of contraction comes in, where has our sense of identity gone? Where do we fit into this huge mix?

The interesting thing about our identity is this: it is groundless. Every day our identity is changing, there are different things that we are learning, different morals and values that we are adopting as our own, and in no way is our identity constant. That is something we need to become comfortable with. This identity based on contraction only comes from a place of unawareness, and it is up to us to determine where we do fit, and what does resonate as real for us.

small gestures

Those small unexpected gestures: a treat on my doorstep, someone working a stand at the farmers market giving away their product, random texts of love and appreciation, flowers on the table at home, etc...

These are small gestures that I have been finding popping up all over in my life recently. These seemingly small notes of kindness have seeped their way into my day and I find myself at times with this adrenaline high of gratitude.

I am surrounded by people who give endlessly, and who use what they have and use what they love and express that to those they appreciate in their life. I want to acknowledge those gestures as being at the heart of love. I know that in my life it is very easy to lose sight of what those gestures mean, and I become preoccupied with my own sense of obligation, expectation for myself, and don't extend myself in the ways of human relationship.

What do these gestures do for me? They set a standard. They raise a bar. They provide awareness. They allow me to see that at the end of the day, it isn't just about how I survive and prosper and get through my day, it is about how I show up for myself and for others. It allows me to see that the beauty of humans is our ability to be givers and receivers. And I know that people don't give only with the intention of getting in return (for the most part), but that true givers extend themselves because they have such appreciation for the act of extension.

Sometimes giving like that is scary though - I feel as though I am a giver. I thrive on knowing that I can take care of others, I feel like I extend myself beyond reaches at times because I want the people around me to know how I feel. I want there to be mutual love between myself and friends, and when that falls short, it is an incredibly lonely feeling. I have been in friendships and romantic relationships where the other party involved was a receiver and didn't understand the power of giving on that kind of a level. And I found myself feeling unappreciated and unsupported.

Now this isn't to say that I give for the wrong reasons, but when you find yourself constantly giving and giving with someone and not receiving any kind of mutual love and respect in return, it can be saddening. The sadness though comes from a place of longing for that person to understand the beauty of small gestures. Those small gestures make a BIG impression.

Just last night, I was meeting three friends with whom I have a long history. And they brought along a friend of theirs who I had never met, and we all enjoyed food and drinks, and as the check was being brought, she said simply to me "I don't know you really at all, but let me get your dinner." And it was one of those moments in my life where suddenly it all became clear: the giving element of a person's being not with the intention of receiving is the most beautiful trait of all.

It gives me the energy to give and give. It allows me to truly appreciate my friends and the people around me, and forces me to acknowledge that it is the simple gifts and gestures in this life that make us feel loved, appreciated, and supported.