Romance. How it has impacted my world. What is amazing is that you never appreciate truly what you've gained from any romantic relationship until after the tears have been cried, the voices raised, the blood has boiled, and the depression lifted. At least I think so. A dear friend of mine though commented on this today saying that his lessons learned were realized during the relationship, for how can someone grow if they are not in the process of a relationship? To me though, my learning was acknowledged and appreciated after the fact. Great timing for me.
Honestly I have not been in a ton of really significant romantic relationships in my life. But I have been in a handful, which to me so far...is enough. Starting at the end of high school, I was first introduced to many foreign emotions. I felt the butterflies, I got nervous, I got giddy, I got jaded, I got distant. In the midst of all of this, I fell in love. Love sent me in a spin of elation. I flew above the clouds. Sometimes when you are starstruck, you lose sight of what you really want. So much feels good and right, and in the beginning, you feel as though "this is it." So cliche, but so true. Think about all of those people who actually act on that impulse. Eek.
If paper is the good and rock is the bad, paper always seems to cover rock in relationships. You are so much more willing to remember the good even when things aren't going well. It is like an addiction when you find yourself in a damaging relationship and even when you are encouraged by your contemporaries to move on, your only defense is "but we can be so great." Yes it is true, nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors, but it is behind closed doors that you should be the truest to yourself. I have been through moments when I will weigh the pros against the cons relentlessly, and knowing that the bad so far outweighed the good I still clung on to the glimmer of hope. Who knows what that is?
In a specific case of mine, I went through a relationship where my boyfriend was fantastic on paper. "Everything" was in place. Everything but my heart. I ran back and forth in my mind how I could possibly be feeling any kind of apprehension, wondering what was wrong with me. I discovered on retrospect that I was staying in a relationship for one reason only: I was terrified that if I ended things, I would never be loved like that again. It is difficult leaving someone behind who promises you the world.
But I found many things out: I do love being treated well, absolutely--but I would much rather be treated as an equal than put on a pedestal. I realized that I cannot be afraid in this life. I cannot live in fear that life as I know it won't be the same if I make a certain move. I didn't realize my reasons for endings things at the time (trust me, in high school I wasn't this intuitive), I just knew that I wasn't right. It wasn't until many months later, that I understood why I did what I did. Acting on a gut feeling, I later learned that it doesn't matter what the other person has, it matters how they move my heart. And my heart wasn't moving.
So it taught me this: Don't stay in a relationship because it is comfortable. Don't stay because there is "some good." Don't stay because you remember how it used to feel. Move on because you know what you need and deserve. Live each day with your heart in mind. Do as the sunflowers do, follow the sun.
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