knowing my duty

I say yes sometimes to things for selfish reasons. I agree to extra work, babysitting, and in this particular case, dog sitting sometimes for reasons that would only benefit myself...like extra money.

This tendency of mine became abundantly clear in the last week when I agreed to house sit/dog sit for a dear family that I know here in Boulder. They have a dog who I was instructed "to not take around other dogs" because historically she hasn't maintained the most polite of manners. I took this into consideration yes, but as the week went on found myself eager to bend the rules slightly, for how harmful could things really be?

As my mother came into town for a visit from Georgia, we were standing in the kitchen of my own home with my new dog for the week and two other golden retrievers who live with me. For about thirty minutes we were all standing around as the dogs co-mingled in the kitchen, and about twenty minutes into their time together, things turned dark pretty quickly.

All of a sudden the dog under my care snapped and she and one of the golden retrievers were in a genuine brawl. It took about five seconds for me to intervene, as I grabbed the dog by the harness and removed her forcefully onto the back porch. Fearful of what might have happened to the golden retriever, I immediately scanned the dog's body for wounds. Seeing nothing, I was immediately relieved. Until I walked out to the back porch to discover blood coming from the dog I was sitting, I filled with fear.

The dog was pretty badly wounded, but after an emotional conversation and hard pressure held to the wounds for quite some time, I realized something...I was taking only myself into consideration the whole time I had been house sitting and dog sitting. I tried to take short cuts and not really adhere to the dog's needs and found that this pattern of behavior needed to stop.

I was frozen in my behavior, and am seeing now the importance of thinking before accepting a proposition. And if the proposition is accepted, it should be done with full responsibility, dedication, and appreciation for all parties involved. It was an eye opener for sure.

fearing judgement

I had a really amazing conversation with this morning with a good friend of mine on the subject of judgment. My entire adult life I have coursed through my day with a sense of optimism, almost to a fault, of the people around me. I have been stepped on and manipulated and maintained a good natured sense of the perpetrators. I have absolutely been unable to let myself form judgments on others, no matter how I had been hurt or taken advantage of.

I realized this morning that so much of the reason I did this was because I was afraid of forming judgments. When I would be hurt by someone else, I would almost take it on myself and somehow create a wrong that I had made in the situation, and still keeping a positive image of my contemporary.

I would hate it when other people would make judgments of those around them and would conclude in my mind that those negative mind traps were dangerous and un-necessary in life. This morning, my view changed. I was finally able to see after such a long period of time that judgments sometimes are sources of strength and liberation. They have finally allowed me to acknowledge and understand that people's negative behavior toward me isn't something I am doing. It originates in a deep seeded insecurity that lies at the core of the soul.

Finally I have perspective here. And I am able to see two things: 1) I am not at fault when people's insecurities are expressed through negative behavior, and 2) having accurately formed judgments are an opportunity for me to indulge in self care. Now I am able to protect myself and am fully resisting the temptation to give into the fear of judgment and its meaning.

For so so long I have felt guilty when judgments arose and have avoided them as though they were toxic. I assumed that the presence of judgment represented the presence of a superficial soul. I always looked so deep to the good of EVERYONE that I missed the actual selfish natures that were around me.

It is a tough balance to strike however. Knowing when judgments are appropriate and when they are dangerous. It is good to know yourself well enough that they are only to be acted on when in thorough communication with the other person, and that the judgment isn't out of turn or due to misguided information. I have to find that balance in myself know. I must know when people are being true versus trying to play a role that isn't natural. I must keep my eyes open to my needs and be able to express them when necessary.

All in all though, judgments aren't to be feared, they are to be acknowledged and incorporated into nature of humans.

the power of community

Yesterday was the memorial for three men: Micah Wade, Jonny Copp, and Wade Johnson who all were prominent figures in both the Boulder and international climbing community. I personally knew Jonny and Micah well, but interestingly never understood the bounds they had overcome as climbers until being notified of their deaths. Those men had their passions in perspective. I love that I didn't know their worlds outside of "great friends who lived in Boulder with me."

The memorials held yesterday were a tribute not just to the men and their lives but was a testament to the power of community. Over 800 people gathered yesterday at Boulder Theatre to remember and celebrate the men. It was truly incredible to go to this function alone and really be able to observe everyone who was there. Tons of family members of each of the men were in attendance and Jonny, Micah, and Wade's parents came up and spoke.

From the first moment, the community rallied around the event. Blank books for writing, tea candles, tibetan flags, and photos adorned the entrance way to the memorial, and from moment one you felt like you were in the presence of true love and support.

For three hours, there were slideshows and speeches, and an audience that would have stayed all day. There were tears and cheers, and entry ways into the lives of the three men before they were ambassadors of the outdoors.

Following was a barbeque which drew in about 100 people. And honestly for the entire day I was blown away by the unfailing support. The power of community is so strong, and in my opinion is one of the few gifts that we have. It is undeniable that the trust and presence of those around the fallen have kept those closest to the men strong. And I am proud to say that I live in a town where the response to a call of need is quick and genuine and profound.

holding off

I see it in myself, I see it in my friends, and I see it in a lot of people around me. It is one thing for people to recognize and understand their own loves and passions, but there sometimes seems to be such a difficult transition between acknowledging them and actually tapping into them.

Most prominent in my life and I am thinking most easily held off for "another time, maybe a better time" is travel. I have such a love for new places and new experiences. I thrive on meeting new people and understanding new cultures. And in my life, I have been so fortunate to travel to incredible places. However since I have branched off from my life in Georgia and explored the western half of the country with my move to Boulder, I have really begun to understand just how much beauty there is in the world and even more so within the country.

However, I do find myself having all of these ambitions to travel and see exotic things, I have compiled a list of all of the things I want to do and experience, but am not actually letting them happen. I am letting "life" get in the way and am keeping practicality stand in the way of embarking on my adventures.

And I am scared by this fact. I have been wanting extensive travel for many years, and now I find myself at 24 wondering why I haven't done it yet. I have said no to the extreme spontaneity for the sole purpose of "it just isn't the right time now," or "I can't take off work," or "It is too much money." But at the end of my life, I don't want to have regrets, and I don't want to be hard on myself for holding off.

I have acknowledged my love for travel, and have taken the opportunity to embark on small road trips, camping trips, and day ventures, but I want to do more and see more. I feel that it is so crucial to know ourselves well enough to understand what moves us inside, but it is even more important to act on it. If you have the urges to travel, make it happen.