so much to do, so little time

Spreading myself too thin yes is an ongoing theme in my life, and I know that I have both talked and blogged about it, but it is something that I struggle with. It is so interesting, because I was in class the other day, and a classmate of mine was expressing frustration over the same dilemma. He was talking about being a teacher, going to school, and being a husband and father, and how he was being encouraged by the people around him to let go of a few outside of school obligations, so that the academic environment and home life weren't so stressful.

He was expressing conflict because he didn't really want to do this. Well, it wasn't necessarily that he didn't want to, deep down I think that he really did, but was terrified of what it meant to let something go. In his mind it meant that he was going to have to tell somebody "no" and as far as he was concerned, that meant he wasn't as responsible as he could be, and wasn't being as accountable as he could be. And it is amazing, because I was listening to him speak, realizing that for the past year(+) I have struggled with this very thing.

I find myself thriving on being busy. I love having my time filled with things that I love doing which include both school and work, and also mean spending time with my boyfriend, friends, and most importantly - just myself. It isn't a balance that I think comes seamlessly, and I think it is dangerous for us as people to realize a place that we are in life, realize we want to change, and find ourselves so eager to be in a new place. When we carry on this mentality, we forget that to get somewhere, you must go through a process, and that in that process there must be a lot of self care. There must be a level of self awareness that will guide you easily along the road of transformation.

These negative tendencies and habits feel seemingly out of our control, and sometimes I find myself blaming these actions on "habits that are so deeply enmeshed that they are out of control" when really I always have a choice of how to act. That is a remarkable realization that I came to, in that with every point in my life, I have a choice of how I want to behave. Habitual or not, each action is a result of a conscious decision. And for that reason, the habits can be broken.

I feel very strongly though in the idea that we must take care of our own needs when struggling. We must understand that change can be painful, and that it is essential for us to recognize when we don't need to push so hard, or in fact when we need to push harder.

It all goes back to this illusion of control. I feel like the rigidity in the schedule, the impatience, the selfishness, the ignorance, etc are all manifestations of a need for control. And so breaking these habits is in a way surrendering to the feelings of being out of control for a period of time. And so it shouldn't be done as quickly as ripping off of a band-aid. Take it off, a little piece at a time, make sure that you are okay through the process.

groundless

We are learning in class how we have "identities based on contraction." The basic premise behind this is how we come to a point of self actualization in our lives, and are curious about why/how it comes when it comes. We see ourselves as changing beings and don't understand how we got here but are so appreciative that it is present. In this process as well, there is an opportunity to reflect on our live before, and how we have shed this old skin and have grown a beautiful and different new layer of protection.

When I reflected, I saw in myself this presence of an identity based on contraction. And when I say that, it doesn't necessarily mean that my muscles were constantly tensed and I was never relaxed, but it is more a sense of emotional contraction. As we are raised, we are influenced by a myriad of expectation and obligation. We are taught the basic premise of "right and wrong" and what is appropriate and what is inappropriate. We are very rarely ever taught from day 1 to form our own values and beliefs. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, because we cling very dearly to our parents for a sense of guidance. How else would we navigate our way through life if we didn't have authority figures and role models to learn from?

However, I feel like there is a glitch in the system, because so many people find themselves well into adulthood without a basic sense of their own morals, but yet they have traveled along this path of life with the ideals of influence. This is where the sense of contraction comes in, where has our sense of identity gone? Where do we fit into this huge mix?

The interesting thing about our identity is this: it is groundless. Every day our identity is changing, there are different things that we are learning, different morals and values that we are adopting as our own, and in no way is our identity constant. That is something we need to become comfortable with. This identity based on contraction only comes from a place of unawareness, and it is up to us to determine where we do fit, and what does resonate as real for us.

small gestures

Those small unexpected gestures: a treat on my doorstep, someone working a stand at the farmers market giving away their product, random texts of love and appreciation, flowers on the table at home, etc...

These are small gestures that I have been finding popping up all over in my life recently. These seemingly small notes of kindness have seeped their way into my day and I find myself at times with this adrenaline high of gratitude.

I am surrounded by people who give endlessly, and who use what they have and use what they love and express that to those they appreciate in their life. I want to acknowledge those gestures as being at the heart of love. I know that in my life it is very easy to lose sight of what those gestures mean, and I become preoccupied with my own sense of obligation, expectation for myself, and don't extend myself in the ways of human relationship.

What do these gestures do for me? They set a standard. They raise a bar. They provide awareness. They allow me to see that at the end of the day, it isn't just about how I survive and prosper and get through my day, it is about how I show up for myself and for others. It allows me to see that the beauty of humans is our ability to be givers and receivers. And I know that people don't give only with the intention of getting in return (for the most part), but that true givers extend themselves because they have such appreciation for the act of extension.

Sometimes giving like that is scary though - I feel as though I am a giver. I thrive on knowing that I can take care of others, I feel like I extend myself beyond reaches at times because I want the people around me to know how I feel. I want there to be mutual love between myself and friends, and when that falls short, it is an incredibly lonely feeling. I have been in friendships and romantic relationships where the other party involved was a receiver and didn't understand the power of giving on that kind of a level. And I found myself feeling unappreciated and unsupported.

Now this isn't to say that I give for the wrong reasons, but when you find yourself constantly giving and giving with someone and not receiving any kind of mutual love and respect in return, it can be saddening. The sadness though comes from a place of longing for that person to understand the beauty of small gestures. Those small gestures make a BIG impression.

Just last night, I was meeting three friends with whom I have a long history. And they brought along a friend of theirs who I had never met, and we all enjoyed food and drinks, and as the check was being brought, she said simply to me "I don't know you really at all, but let me get your dinner." And it was one of those moments in my life where suddenly it all became clear: the giving element of a person's being not with the intention of receiving is the most beautiful trait of all.

It gives me the energy to give and give. It allows me to truly appreciate my friends and the people around me, and forces me to acknowledge that it is the simple gifts and gestures in this life that make us feel loved, appreciated, and supported.

the "reds"

So many individuals around me are suffering. It seems like on a daily basis I am confronted by people that I love who are being tested by the storms that are part of life.

These storms are also called the "reds." They are the dangerous and challenging spots, they are those periods of our lives where are physical or emotionally being are hurt. It is difficult in the midst of the reds to see beyond them. Sometimes it is otherwise impossible.

A very dear friend of mine has suffered a deep deep red for the past two years. Surrounded by death and unreliability in romantic partners, she is left completely broken by the unpredictability of life. She is unable at this point to see good in her day. She doesn't know what to do at this point, and doesn't see a light at the end of her tunnel. All she can see is the dark passageway that she seems to be blindly navigating through. Life for her is about struggling to be above the surface of the water while not really knowing how to swim, as opposed to freely floating with an ease in the stroke.

The reds can come in many forms. They can manifest as tragedy, death around you, personal attack on character, inability to achieve goals, etc...Their only determinant of being a red is in providing an opportunity for an individual to learn a lesson, but in a seemingly difficult way. More often then not, they provoke sadness, anxiety, distrust, fear, and questioning.

In my life, I understand the reds. Nursing school for me seemed like one big red. Day after day, my tests were relentless and my sadness seemed unshakable. I found my reliability on trust and faith to be waning, and I felt very insecure in my ability to really live. I was scared to proceed on with myself "as I used to be" because there was so much fear that I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. There wasn't trust in my day.

Then after nursing school, and after graduation I was able to see light at the end of my tunnel. For the first time in several years, my days felt authentic. And then I suffered a string of tragedy last year that seemed to take me back to those distrustful days. That was terrifying for me, because all I wanted was to have faith. All I wanted was a life filled with lessons that didn't seem to rock me to my core.

And only on retrospect am I able to see that the reds do come and go. As do storms. And it is up to us as humans to whether that storm, not just for the sake of "getting through" but learning lessons along the way. As a storm rolls around, we as people have an innate sense and faith that the storm will pass. However with the reds of life, sometimes we don't have that trust.

Why is this do you think? There is something beautiful in the reliability of an actual storm. It is guaranteed that it won't always be lightening and down pouring rain. However, when life beats us to the ground time and time again, we then lose that faith that it will pass.

All I can do right now is think of the reds as a physical storm. I must have the sense in myself and in the world around me that there are always going to be lessons to be learned. The same way I would not want a physical storm to take my life, I can't let the reds either. I have to take the red and turn it into gold.

never been said

The courage it takes to admit something out loud that you have never said before. I saw this happen and it struck me like very little has in a long time. There are so many emotions that fly around within people (fears whether they are irrational/rational, frustrations, judgments) but so many people exist in environments where these emotions are terrifying or embarrassing to admit.

When I was in nursing school, I was incredibly lonely. I was surrounded by people, and great people at that. I was engaged with my peers and my teachers and was baffled as to how I could feel alone. I was under the impression that loneliness only stemmed from maintaining a solitary life, where there were never people. I equated physical aloneness with loneliness. And it wasn't until I actually felt lonely that I was able to see how the two do not go hand in hand.

I proceeded on for about a year, feeling desperately sad. Not just sad because I felt alone, but sad because of what I felt it meant to be lonely. I was so tied to the negative connotations that being lonely included and therefore marinated in its fire for a significant period of time.

Slowly, I began to journal. I started to write down on a superficial level what my days consisted of. Even at that point, writing down emotional states of mind that seemed negative or stormy for me were not included for I was afraid of that kind of vulnerability. It took me six months to be able to write the words "I am lonely." And it may seem insignificant to others, but that accomplishment for me was a breakthrough of an enormous fear.

In school for counseling psychology, I am challenged every day to work through fears of my own and emotional struggles that I carry. And I have done a great deal of work around them. In my fellow classmates, I have watched people verbalize demons that have been imprisoned within their heart's walls their entire life with no chance for escape. It is the feat of a lifetime to face that fear of vulnerability and stare it down.

For me, it has been my savior. My ability to admit my own fallacies has made me more human not just to myself but to others. Every avoidance of it, ignorance of it is just an attempt and a protective defense that we as humans so conveniently lean on as a way of not hurting. It seems logical but in the long run will prevent authenticity. Speak your fears and own them for they will facilitate stronger heart and mind.