never been said

The courage it takes to admit something out loud that you have never said before. I saw this happen and it struck me like very little has in a long time. There are so many emotions that fly around within people (fears whether they are irrational/rational, frustrations, judgments) but so many people exist in environments where these emotions are terrifying or embarrassing to admit.

When I was in nursing school, I was incredibly lonely. I was surrounded by people, and great people at that. I was engaged with my peers and my teachers and was baffled as to how I could feel alone. I was under the impression that loneliness only stemmed from maintaining a solitary life, where there were never people. I equated physical aloneness with loneliness. And it wasn't until I actually felt lonely that I was able to see how the two do not go hand in hand.

I proceeded on for about a year, feeling desperately sad. Not just sad because I felt alone, but sad because of what I felt it meant to be lonely. I was so tied to the negative connotations that being lonely included and therefore marinated in its fire for a significant period of time.

Slowly, I began to journal. I started to write down on a superficial level what my days consisted of. Even at that point, writing down emotional states of mind that seemed negative or stormy for me were not included for I was afraid of that kind of vulnerability. It took me six months to be able to write the words "I am lonely." And it may seem insignificant to others, but that accomplishment for me was a breakthrough of an enormous fear.

In school for counseling psychology, I am challenged every day to work through fears of my own and emotional struggles that I carry. And I have done a great deal of work around them. In my fellow classmates, I have watched people verbalize demons that have been imprisoned within their heart's walls their entire life with no chance for escape. It is the feat of a lifetime to face that fear of vulnerability and stare it down.

For me, it has been my savior. My ability to admit my own fallacies has made me more human not just to myself but to others. Every avoidance of it, ignorance of it is just an attempt and a protective defense that we as humans so conveniently lean on as a way of not hurting. It seems logical but in the long run will prevent authenticity. Speak your fears and own them for they will facilitate stronger heart and mind.