needs...who needs them?

For many years, I have found myself taking on the role of the nurturer. I have always taken such joy and pleasure out of helping others, in need or not. More often I found that when I extended myself out of the standard "energy requirement," it brought me closer to those around me.

Interestingly enough, the role of the nurturer came up in my Family Systems class. It was brought to the attention of the teacher that one of my fellow students really did identify herself as a nurturer and rescuer. Always wanted to take care of those in need, and making sure that she was taking away some kind of serenity from it. And I really appreciate and understand that serenity because I feel like I am wired in a similar manner.

I feel like I have inherited the majority of this almost servant like mentality from my mother. I feel lucky to have been raised under an umbrella of a role model and parent who really emphasized the importance of contribution and dedication to the people around me. She goes out of her way to help others, a true and generous heart.

And I have been able to understand the benefits and internal satisfaction that accompanies these gestures. And I have adopted them into my own repertoire. So here I am, feeling like I am coming to numerous crossroads in my life. Trying to sift between what is Greer, and what isn't. Determine where my life is heading and how I feel about it. Curious over my actions and interests, and whether or not they come from my internal constitution or are merely a manifestation of influence (from family, friends, society, culture).

I am seeing something that stands at the forefront of my decision making and trying to decipher what is truest to me and what isn't. I am realizing that while I do love giving of my energy and myself, I do have needs. And for many years I feel as though my needs haven't necessarily been acknowledged by myself. There of course are my passions and interests which are given time in my day (reading, writing, knitting, climbing, running), but at the core needs are more of what I'm talking about.

I see core needs as: asking for help and not being afraid to do so, trust and honesty in relationship, not being spread too thin, feeling nurtured myself in interaction, being understood and when not being notified, feeling connected and having the opportunity to connect to the world around me...those kinds of things. I see these qualities as basic interaction foundations.

I feel I am in relationship with people and the world, and I feel like just as I am adhering to the needs of others, I should adhere to my own as well. For how well can I serve if I don't yet serve myself? I am aware of this need for transformation and feel like I really am taking steps to nurture Greer.

a day i don't want to come

1 year. Unbelievable. My darling bird died almost a year ago. It doesn't seem possible. Time hasn't even seemed relevant here. It doesn't feel like a year has passed, but it almost seems like 20 years have flown by. It is this strange feeling inside that time isn't a component of my process. There is nothing about Eve's death that involves a ticking clock.

Her anniversary is next week on the 5th of March. That is a day I am dreading. It is going to take me back to a nightmare that I have spent a year trying to embrace and cope with, yet progress and move forward through. I feel like as this day approaches, I am coming closer and closer to the fire that has burned my soul for many days.

I am afraid to go home. I am afraid to see Eve's precious brother Andrew. I am afraid to hold him in the tightest of embraces, telling him that she is immortal now. I am scared to suffer her loss and behave as though she isn't the vivacious and brilliant presence I know her to be.

I don't want to surround myself with sadness, I want remembrance, fondness, respect, humbleness, appreciation and acceptance to become March 5th. Because right now for me, March 5th is full of fear, sadness, shock, screams, tears, and disbelief.

I had made it a point in my mind not to go home for the occasion. It is too much for my heart to bear. I am having a difficult time understanding the need to convene on a day that I don't want to remember. I want it to go from March 4th to March 6th with no concern for what was missed. I had closure in my mind that I deserve to grieve in the ways best suited for myself.

But then a phone call from my precious mother, saying that she needed me there changed my mind and heart. She told me that for her sake, I should come home. And she need not say more. I bought the ticket. For I realized that it isn't going to just give my mom peace of mind that I'm there, my presence will mean worlds to all those in attendance.

Therefore, on March 5th...I will be home remembering my darling blue bird.

easing into conflict

Good lesson today. I was trap shooting (my one claim to fame is that my great uncle invented the marvelous contraption that makes skeet shooting possible. PULL!) and during the process, there was a wonderful man standing behind me keeping me oriented along the way...and being so patient with me through all of it. He was instructing me of appropriate stance, and informing me of the mechanics of the gun, etc...

But one of the instructions he gave to me the most was "don't be so busy aiming at the target, allow your eyes to naturally follow it so then your focus is more direct." It seems trivial, but honestly it spoke to me. Because throughout my first few rounds, I was allowing my brain to dominate the experience...

The ways in which it manifested were unease when the clay pigeon was released. Immediately once I realized that a task was at hand, my body's expression was completely cognitive and I began to behave out of fear. It really was incredible. Interesting in and of itself was the fact that I could apply a relatively simple experience to a large life challenge.

I was able to see myself enter into conflict and the way that I approach it. I was able to see my natural inclination to be cognitive, in my head with confusion and fear...I shot my gun with anxiety at the source. All I was doing was aiming, when I should have been naturally following, and allowing the situation to run its course and flow with it's process. And what a lesson to learn.

Now I know that when negative charge stands in my path, I will make sure to connect my head and body, to make my emotional and physical being be one. Because when I do that, my expression is more free and fluid and not static. The moment I stopped aiming and started following and accepting, I hit targets. Approach negative charge with ease.

a day to remember

Wow, so this has been quite a day. I woke up this morning not really anticipating what breakthroughs would occur, but I am coming to the close of this Thursday realizing how much I have changed in the course of 8 or so hours.

It all began with fear. I, along with many people I believe, live a portion of my life fear based. I am afraid of rejection, scared of how my actions appear, fearing of being misread...you name it, I am sure that I have felt it and allowed this conditioning to control my behavior.

So much of my behavior that related to fear however was unconscious. I really didn't have a true awareness of how it permeated my experiences and how so much of my daily life had a string attached to some kind of fear.

I feel like in the past, and really since this morning...I have had so much resistance to being verbally honest. And I don't necessarily know where that comes from, but there is something that genuinely prevents me from saying exactly what is going in my mind and expressing it exactly as I feel it. I don't know, and I have tried to navigate and understand it, but I haven't yet figured out where it comes from and when it arrived.

But I do know that with a simulated class experiential this morning, I was given an opportunity to come face to face with a friend of mine that I have been estranged with for quite some time. I was instructed to go up to anybody in the class and come into contact with that person. I didn't even realize who I was picking until I was face to face with this "stranger friend."

And there I stood, afraid to be real. Afraid to be honest. Afraid of rejection, afraid of how people would think of me, afraid of judgment. And then I was pushed. And I resisted, and then I was pushed some more. And my heart broke open. And I my core beliefs were exposed.

I felt real. For the first time in a long time. And there I was, opening my heart and spilling out my feelings...exactly as they were happening. It is something I have never done before, and I didn't realize how I longed and ached for it. Until it happened. So here I am. Wanting to apply this to all of my relationships. I want people to see me.

It began with fear. And it ends with ease and grace.

for if you aren't honest...

There are a couple of people in my life who have expressed to me that I have brought them to a more honest place in their world. They feel as though with me they are inclined not only to be truthful in all things related to me, but in their interactions with people, nature, and the world around them.

I am finding this to be very interesting. Both of these circumstances were different in their own right. One of the individuals had been giving me a version of himself that wasn't dishonest, but it wasn't necessarily the deepest version of what was really internally present. So for the course of our relationship, it more often than not felt like we were only placing our toes in the pool, really to see how cold the temperature was. There seemed to be some kind of fear based around diving head first in, freezing or not, and just experiencing exactly what was happening at each moment. So it was unsatisfying for me. Whenever I would part ways with this person, there was a sense of emptiness. And it felt...dishonest.

The other person I didn't know quite as well. And we seemed to have just begun our friendship, when I began to gain significant insight into who he was and how he approached his world. He seemed to tell me that he wasn't always EXACTLy who he was with everybody, because he didn't necessarily appreciate people's reactions to his brutal truths...he felt as though not being wholly honest in his dealings was far more beneficial and easier.

But for me, I tend to disagree. I feel like it seems like much more of an energy expenditure to be someone that you aren't, just for the sake of making an interaction easier, or really just wanting affection or attention from someone else. I find our truest nature to be so beautiful in its uniqueness, that it should never go unexposed.

For this is my ultimate question: if at the end of the day you aren't exactly who you are the core, then what part of yourself are you giving? How has the fear gotten to be so significant that it prevents you from freely flowing through relationship? And how do you choose which version to give? Where in the mind is the version you are giving the best one...And if that version in the mind exists, I want to get to know it better.

So here I am, finishing a day. Realizing that in my dealings I was honest and I was exactly who I am. No fear, just me. I want to sleep peacefully knowing that the version I give to everyone is the same. No hidden agendas, no need for impressing people, just real.

sometimes I forget

Somewhere along the way I convinced myself that most problems were easily dealt with on my own. And that when issues would arise, I would deal with them solo, progressing forward through my day and allowing life to absorb the hurt and pain.

For many years, and this has been most prominent in my life during nursing school. Each day I was challenged with anxiety and pressure, insomnia and sadness, I was lonely and felt lost in this smoky cloud of fear. I couldn't see where I was going, I couldn't understand how I got there, and I absolutely didn't see a way to the end. And despite the fact that I drew on my closest family members for comfort and relief, for the most part I dealt with the heart of the matter on my own.

Now this isn't to say that my support systems weren't there, I am sure that they would have come to my side in a moment's notice. But I found myself straddling the fence between wanting to let people in and see that I was vulnerable and exposed, and not wanting to inconvenience people with "my problems."

And therefore I stayed on that fence for many years...and it resulted in me longing to just have people at my side to comfort and hold me, yet not wanting to feel like I was burdening other people's time, or expending other people's energy and taking away from their own lives.

I feel as though this mindset has migrated into more of a comfortable medium but there are definitely moments when I still struggle. Sometimes when I am in the midst of hurt and sadness, and am right back in that maze of smoke, I will lose sight of my support systems. I have matured and grown and know that they are there, but still there are times when I have a difficult time immediately going to them.

I have pride and stoicism that runs through my veins that unfortunately wins over acceptance and surrender, and the ease and comfort of reaching out. I have changed through. I think of it as circumstantial, meaning at certain times I will immediately go to those networks of love around me.

But again those moments plague me, when I am sad and decide to go it alone. I want to never lose sight of my support systems, and never lose the knowledge that they are there for me and stand near me with outstretched arms.

hold on tightly and let go lightly

There are so many things that we grasp onto. And we grasp onto these things with such a veracious grip that seems inhuman. These are things spanning from core beliefs, fears of being vulnerable, ideals of perfection, impressions of how relationships should be, definitions of success, the importance of tradition, the list goes on and on.

I find that in my own time I have clung on to so many things of this nature with a grip that seems impossible to release. I have my own dilemma regarding what perfection means to me, how I want my relationships to be in my life, my ideals and morals, my impression of success, what it means to be wealthy, and the ever so prominent desire for control.

All of these issues have taken place at the forefront of my brain, setting up camp as a main focus of my attention and energy and I am seeing trends in my behavior which have allowed me to truly understand their place and power in my world.

These expectations and standards of living have been a result of influence from a myriad of places over my life. I have taken in information from all parties, family, friends, institutions, academics, and I have utilized what I have learned and adopted it for myself.

In retrospect I have seen myself and the opportunities that I took to fully adopt life mentalities from people throughout my life. I am so keenly aware of my inability to absorb their ways of living and appreciate them for what they are, take for myself what is applicable to my core beliefs, and use them as my own. I instead ignored what I needed for my own personal satisfaction and instead added them fully to my own repertoire.

It brings me then to another question, what are my morals and values? What are my core beliefs? And not the morals, values, and core beliefs that stem from influence, the ones that come me. And just me. Maybe I don't have them.

But then if I sit down and ask myself this question, I can go through in my mind what I want for myself and my personal satisfaction, and that is genuine. I think those beliefs were there the whole time I just didn't know to search for them and use them. It is an important process to live just for yourself and nobody else. We hold on to these preconceived notions of how you should live and what you should for yourself so tightly, and now is the time to let go lightly.

rushing the system

You cannot rip the skin from the snake, it will shed when its ready. Same mentality applies to people and their individual processes.

It is an interesting place that I have come to in my life...and I as I reflect over the last few years, and see where I have been and where I have come both emotionally and spiritually, I notice one main thing: the process wasn't forced upon me, I didn't have someone who was a spiritual guru trying to pump me full of "opportunities for realization..."

In my particular example, I would have moments of realization that my life needed to seriously change. I had them numerous times within nursing school, and they would come at moments that seemed at the time pretty unexpected and out of the blue. But that to me is what solidified them all the more. That I wasn't in someone's company, with them explaining to me where I was doing wrong to myself and others and how it needed to change.

It was completely from myself, and with that inner patience and opportunity to let emotions surface at their own time, the experience seemed much more real.

I have had an opportunity to watch someone from afar and experience on the periphery a tumultuous and stormy period. I have seen this person acting in ways that I know she knows aren't good for her, but yet I let her experience them and I allow myself to provide as much support and love as I can around her. For I know that she will come to her own realization in her own time. And I will be there for her as she battles the uphill climb back to who I know she is at the core.

For I believe that it stops becoming our process when someone forces their experiences and influences on us. And then it becomes less genuine and less powerful. So in my mind, don't try and rush your own process. Don't try to place yourself in situations where you will see the light or error of your ways. Allow yourself to glide through these waves of enlightenment and be patient. Your mind and heart will follow in their own time.

you can't stop the waves...

There are many times in my life and especially as of late where I am finding waves of emotion surfacing in me. In the past, I have been habitual in the sense that I am so eager and quick stop these profound yet indescribable moments of total emotional consumption. I am afraid of what they mean, the stigmas surrounding them, their permanence in my life, and their power.

So often do we all do this, especially with negative emotion. Say that we are progressing through life, really "content" with the routine...the relationships, the occupation, social engagements, obligations, etc...and all of a sudden we have a surge of realization that we are truly unhappy. Unhappy just in general, non-specific toward any event in particular, just that general malaise and sense of being weighted down by a pressure on our bodies.

In my experience, the immediate response is avoidance. It is a turning of the back on the emotion itself, because "I have no reason to feel this way. There is nothing in my life going wrong, therefore the emotion must not really exist. And if in fact it is here tomorrow, then it may exist, but I will stop it from being there." And we try to use this illusionary control in our lives to predict the nature of our day.

And we put armor on our bodies, and distract ourselves with friends and family, activities and hobbies, and assume that with this armor around us, we cannot be penetrated. And yet it still comes back. And it comes back with ten times the veracity. So we put a shield in front of us, saying you aren't coming anywhere near me. I can beat you.

So we try and stop it. But I have come to a new realization. Instead of trying to stop the waves from coming, which is counterproductive because the shore is consistently flooded with waves both big and small, try and surf on them. This life wasn't meant to be avoided and battled against. It was meant to flow with the current. We were meant to welcome the emotions, see them as part of who you are, not all inclusive to your identity.

Interesting how we are not intimidated by feelings of overwhelming joy, elation, eurphoria...because they aren't "painful." But the so called negative emotions that we have been conditioned to reject, are only as painful as we make them. Do not be scared of them, for they have powers that we cannot imagine. So when you find yourself in the midst of sorrow, loneliness, pain, or sadness, ride that wave. And ride it with an open arm.

trying not to be impatient

A new influence in my life is one of my teachers at school. I have never met a person who was more steeped in his practice of cultivating awareness. He has a remarkable ability to reference teachings and readings from his entire life, and throughout the course of this particular class, he has given me numerous seeds that I am planting into my own repertoire of life lessons.

We had a discussion on impatience. There are few people that I know who genuinely APPEAR as though they are patient. It just seems like everyone has their own places to be, agendas to be satisfied, obligations to adhere to...and the day is spent centered around needing. And yet we are all striving to not let those things effect us. We try not to be rattled by no shows, we try to be okay with our lunch date running fifteen minutes behind, we try to not boil when flights are delayed...yet we can't help it. Where did all of this happen? Where in the line of development did this trend win?

I Think about the chaos and unrest in our lives and beings that is merely a blossom from the tree of impatience. Because of impatience, we don't live peaceful existences and it is through outbursts of anger and short wicked tempers that are just the manifestation from a mind of impatience. We aren't concerned for the well being of others, we are really more passionate and consumed with having our own personal voids filled.

A beautiful story he shared focused on the value of patience and the danger of impatience: a man comes onto a cocoon, and thrilled that he is about to witness a true miracle of nature, he grabs it and places it in the palm of his hand. His excitement and eagerness overwhelms and he begins to blow warm air on it, to help facilitate this transformation. After a few minutes, slowly the cocoon begins to open. A struggling butterfly, with wet wings battles flight in the palm of his hand. And there right in front of him, the prematurely born butterfly dies. And he described it as one of the heaviest weights on his person. He was so consumed with his own needs, that the needs of others were abandoned.

And in this idea...I feel like we are all working on "trying not to be impatient." But isn't that what impatience is? You don't try to be patient. Either you are patient, or you aren't. But trying to be is not patience. Therefore, I work every day to one day wake up and be...patient.

just do one thing

One of my biggest problems...

Just do one thing at a time. As a member of this culture of overstimulation, I am the ultimate multi-tasker. Texting while driving, talking while cooking, writing emails while watching a movie, talking on the phone and texting on the phone at the same time, knitting while driving (go mom)...the list goes on and on.

And multi tasking is a skill that I truly have mastered. I used to be the kind of person that marveled at my ability to be three places at once. I would use it to my advantage, and allow that skill to feed on itself until I had a cold and hard realization...I wasn't being present.

In one of my classes, the theme of the three hour lecture was: learn to just do one thing. And become as good as you can at doing just one thing. But see we aren't creatures who are used to that. We have been conditioned to excel and become productive on doing and being many things at once. We have turned efficiency into a primary goal in this life...trying to pack in and accomplish the most possible in one day. We equate it with success, and to us success is happiness.

But I turn another corner now, I don't want to be doing three things at once. I don't want to be the person in the line at the grocery store who is on the cell phone, who has to have two simultaneous conversations at once. I don't want to be the person who is listening to a friend speak, but have my mind on a myriad of other things. It isn't fair to myself or the people that I love.

Therefore, I use that desire to be efficient and productive and place it toward being fully present in doing just one thing. For example, I didn't look at my cell phone once during the time it took me to write this blog. God I love progress.