the rents

The parents. For everyone, parents play a different role. For me, they play a huge role. And a relationship between parent and child isn't exclusively financial. This relationship starts from day 1 and spans until present.

I can admit now that for the first 18 years of my life, I didn't appreciate how lucky I really am. From day 1, I have been privileged with a mother who would give up it all for me. She from day 1 nurtured me and supported me. Throughout my middle and high school years, we were at odds. I was interested in everything but her, intrigued really in things that centered around sports, shopping, and boys. Typical teenage girl yes, but sometimes think about that time and want to take it back. But while it was happening, she was probably so keenly aware of what was happening and the processes of women and knew that my real self I would emerge soon enough. But through it all, her energy never faltered. She remained herself, and was ever patient.

My father, since day 1 has treated me like a queen. He wasn't necessarily the nurturer in my life, because my mother so diligently took over that role. But he was the ultimate support. I knew I had him always. I knew that he would push me to be the best that I could be, show me through his own ways that my inner strength enabled me to accomplish anything in this life that I wanted. He probably doesn't realize the confidence he has given me over the years through his fathering.

So for me, I have been blessed with parents who I never had to question. A gift that only last week I was truly about to appreciate. We had this exercise at Naropa in my Human Growth and Development course where we were asked to introduce ourselves from the perspective of one of our parents. Whew. This process did two things really. First of all, it allowed people to get to know one another on a relatively intense level from the start. Also, it gave the students an opportunity to express how they perceive the thoughts of their parents. Needless to say there were many good impressions, but then again there were many saddening ones. People in my classroom expressed quite willingly that their parents provided no support in their paths. There were two women in particular whose depictions of their mother/father pierced through me. It made me uncomfortable and saddened me.

But to be honest, this was one of the best exercises and lets me further emphasize why I love school right now. Both students and teachers in this program aren't afraid to be exactly who they are. They stood up and knew in their hearts that they were happy with their choices and didn't need the validation of their parents to progress forward. They aren't afraid of lacking the support net and don't require it to live a fulfilling life. They aren't fearful of vulnerability and that to me is one of the most attractive qualities in a human.

destiny or coincidence?

I have been thinking a lot about fate and destiny lately. I used to be of the mentality that life was this course that we were given yes, but that everything placed in front of us that seemed to accelerate us further in a particular direction was coincidence. I really had a hard time believing that "fate" was anything other than hooey really.

Now I am proud to say that my horizons have expanded and that I feel differently. I think for so long I believed that coincidences came before me, and my path would deviate slightly. And then people I would meet who would influence and change my course as well would be primarily a result of coincidence. I would find myself saying things to myself such as "well we lived in the same town for so long, we were bound to meet." or "wow, what a coincidence that I was in the same place at the same time as my long lost preschool best friend." They seem like insignificant examples, but to me these were good indicators of the things that would happen so often. I would find myself being shaped by these various coincidences as I called them.

I would be expanded by meeting certain people, enlightened by exposure to new literature, and deeply moved by new elements of the cultures of the world. And I felt as though all of it was a product of the quirks of life...until now.

I have had far too many "coincidences" in my days to think now that fate doesn't exist. I believe in destiny. I believe in my heart that I was meant to go to nursing school so that I could come face to face with my disgressions. I believe that I came face to face with my disgressions so that I could live a much more honorable life yes but to develop a conscience. I believe that I developed a conscience so that I could become more self aware and crave that deeper meaning, to become desperate for a rich life and to be expanded. I feel as though I didn't pass my nursing board 4 times because life was telling me that this wasn't my path. I feel as though I discovered Naropa "coincidently" as an alleyway to this new self awareness development. My deciding to apply didn't come coincidently.

I had gone back and forth between applying or not, because I was worried that I wouldn't have fulfilled the prerequisite requirements in enough time to start the coursework. A dear friend told me that I had nothing to lose by applying, and she was right. So I did, and my getting in made me appreciate going for it. It made me realize that I want no regrets in this life. So I'm in now. Not by coincidence either.

I feel it is part of my path to be at Naropa. I have been in class a week and a half, and feel the change already.

a damaged ego

Nursing school and the months afterward seemed like a string of events that consistently stepped on my self esteem. Self esteem too is such an interesting facet because even those people in this world who live selflessly and tireless servants to others and their community, have egos. They have a desire to look attractive to others, not just physically but through their actions. It can be a motivator and a hinderer.

For me, my ego played a central role in my life, when interesting enough I thought it only served a supporting role. But on retrospect I realized that the majority of my actions were to satisfy the needs of others and to look attractive to those around me. This was something that was probably pushed under the surface along with my dishonorable actions because my mind wasn't ready to acknowledge...well really anything. So it isn't really a huge surprise to me that I didn't see how powerful my inner ego was. Until nursing school.

I don't know I am giving the situation enough justice to say that my ego was tainted during the years of nursing school and the couple of months after. I think shattered would be a more appropriate adjective, seeing as though within such a short period of time I was able to finally come face to face with years of broken trusts and selfish tendencies. This may seem awkward to read, but for me I couldn't look in the mirror for a month. I was so ashamed. And lived through that process for the following three semesters. I thought that for sure that with the conclusion of nursing school, I would be able to distance myself from the associations that had damaged my impressions of myself. Life unfortunately doesn't always work in the ways we intended.

So the battle of trying to pass the nursing board brought me down further than I had felt in a long time. I felt as though my sense of empowerment, for really fighting my way through the pain and hurt for 2 years would really pay off when I saw those two letters behind my name (RN). But it hurt even more that I couldn't pass my board because I felt genuinely like my efforts were wasted. Until I soul searched.

I realized that if I hadn't fought through, persevered, and challenged myself daily, I wouldn't be where I am today. I feel that without the bruised ego, you can't really be humbled in a very important way. But the inability to pass my board allowed me to really feel the need to be introspective and understand what it was about nursing that I needed. And there, I found the art and beauty of counseling. My torn ego was a light into my next world, and in that world I find true wholeness.

my journey

So I have just started school again this past Monday. For the last 5 days, I have been IMMERSED in a setting that I thought I had no desire to re-enter. But here I am. And I have entered into one of the most amazing environments to my knowledge that exists. Naropa University is so unique in its ability to make every student feel as though they are fully supported, acknowledged, heard, appreciated and loved.

What I have learned over the last 5 days is that there are about 45 people who want something similar to myself: to dig deep, to learn as much as possible, to become true to myself, to understand the human condition, and to help those in need. There are incredible spirits in my presence.

It has made me more than anything appreciate where I am in my life right now. I am spending my days learning in the classroom, absorbing the theorists and their paths, and also finding so much more about myself. I love that I crave that right now, and love that I have reached a point of self actualization that pushes me harder to find truer meaning, and to be able to reach a deeper grounding with those around me.

But what I love most of all now, and I have been thinking about this for a few days, is where I went to get where I am today. I feel that so much of the time we are forever focused on the finish line, and (as a runner I'll use this analogy). When I am running, I do love seeing my house in the distance because it means I'll be finished soon, but I have grown to relish in the entire length of the exercise. It is so important to marinate in the journey that allows us to get where we are. We are going to be forever evolving yes, but it is so important to appreciate the pain and hurt, the anxiety and sadness, and the energy given.

For me, when I graduated nursing school, I wanted to forget about it. I never wanted to revisit my depression, I never wanted to think about being lonely for so long, I never wanted to feel insomnia again, and I absolutely never wanted to revisit The Medical College of Georgia's campus. Well, here I am telling you that I want to relive all of it. I want to do it because I feel as though going back and reflecting on your battles makes you empowered. It makes everything worth fighting for. But more than that, it humbles you.

Reflect on where you have been. Be humbled.

The eve of a new start

Today marks a big day in the life of Greer Van Dyck. For me, when I was a student in nursing school I remember my days of new student orientation, and I remember the mindset that I carried with me along with my 10000 pounds of books. I was a person who was mostly concerned with how my actions looked in the eyes of others. I do remember entering into the doors of The Medical College of Georgia, and almost feeling arrogant. I felt like I was really “doing something” with my college education, instead of picking a general/nonspecific major that really wouldn’t take me anywhere. I had justified moving to a city that I wasn’t entirely excited about because I felt that the next two years were going to put me in a much better standing than if I were to stay at The University of Georgia. What an incredible mindset, well now I retract that. It isn’t necessarily amazing that I had that mindset, because honestly arrogance is part of everyone’s life at one point or another. But the problem I feel now on retrospect is being okay with having that mindset. Being okay with feelings that my course was better than anyone else’s was really where I have quite an issue. Regardless, I embarked on this journey of completing my undergraduate requirement where all I could focus my mind on was what my next step was going to be, how fabulous people would think it was, and how good it was going to feel. Wow.

Then, under pressure, I made it a point to use my friends as a crutch so that I could get to this “perfect future” that I had envisioned for myself for so long. Well, we all know from my previous postings how that course progressed and the realizations that I was forced to come to. You all understand that shame and guilt were very familiar feelings throughout school. But what was incredible about that period of time was until I had my breaking moment and had hit my wall, I was so intent on where I was going to be down the road. Then I immediately switched to not letting myself able to let go of the past. Suddenly I was so overly self aware and became a watch hawk of my behavior. I was basically walking on egg shells, maybe as an attempt to try and compensate for my years of poor behavior.

And then I stepped into the doors of Naropa University. An institution that emphasizes practices to incorporate purity into one’s life. This school has a strong foundation of Buddhism which runs through the veins of the students and faculty. There is an incredible inclination to be “mindful” or forever present in the moment. It is a practice that isn’t easy to develop, because I feel as though so many people in this day and age are focused everywhere else but the present. But on this day of the start of my new journey, I am neither focused in the past or the present but the now.

There were so many people around me, young and old who were eager and desperate for a brand new approach on the day. So many students craving the spiritual journey of expansion were around me, and I found myself privileged to be in the presence of such peace of mind. I am hoping to adopt this mindfulness in my every day life.

I took my seat ready to start fresh, and the woman's name who sat next to me is my age. She has long brown hair with a similar build as me, and after introductions discovered that her name was Eve. Out of +/- 100 students, she sat next to me.

when given the option...

One of my best friends is quite a bit older than myself. And by that I mean 60 years old. We are two halves that fit seamlessly together. Yesterday was a big day for her. And I was one of a small handful of people who were allowed in to her private room of conflict. She is a woman who on the surface would communicate that turmoil doesn't really exist and I think this is such an amazing quality truly--because her conflict is shared but not in a way that permeates to those around her. She handles it with miraculous grace and poise. So when she came to me yesterday with this particular issue, she was feeling guilty and shameful of her previous actions.

In a nutshell, her career hadn't given her adequate reminders that her licensure to practice her skill had expired and that in fact she had been performing her job "illegally." Illegally is strong, and despite the fact that her competency was as strong as it has ever been, she technically wasn't licensed to practice. This stopped her dead in her tracks when she was informed.

And some things came to the surface. There were realizations in her career that had finally reached the point of acknowledgment, when for so long some feelings and desires had been suppressed and pushed under the rug. She finally was given the option to either pursue her career or stop it. Not that the option isn't always there, and anyone can exit out of ANYTHING if they want to, but now the fork in the road was staring her in the face as opposed to it being always in the distance but forever in reach.

Don't you feel that way, it is amazing how much more liberating you feel after coming to the ultimate realization that in fact you can say "I'm done" at any point. When I was in nursing school, I was so unhappy and felt stuck. I felt completely trapped and cornered until I came to an epiphany: no one is forcing me to do this. I can leave right now if I want to. So I did. I got in my car after packing up half of my room, drove 20 miles and then immediately stopped on the side of the road and realized what I was doing. I was acting on impulse and wasting gas.

I had a moment of liberation though because I realized that no one was in control of my decisions but me. So I turned around and drove home, walked into my room again, unpacked my belongings into my half packed room, opened my books, and got to work. Best self lesson ever.

So back to my friend. She has decided to pursue another road, she came to a fork in her road, and chose a path that wasn't necessarily consistent with her previous professional life. It wasn't easy for her, but she is doing it. She is embarking on new discoveries and doing EXACTLY what she wants to do. I love her.

have a chuckle...

I was seeking out some constructive criticism from a friend of mine, asking her what she liked/disliked about the blog. She gave it a good review overall, said that it was interesting and thought provoking but that there was one thing that could be made different. She said "don't take yourself and life so seriously, the lessons in life are crucial but there is always room to let loose."

This was so interesting to me just because in my daily life, so much of my routine is about letting loose and not grabbing hold of the serious complexities that surround each moment. But I realized that I don't at all communicate this in my blog. So the opportunity has presented itself and I want to stress the importance of incorporating the mindset of relaxation, laughter, behaving spontaneously, acting foolishly, and not always taking everything so seriously.

I feel like in my last two years, I have really been such a serious person. And of course there are times in my day where I am jovial and eager for laughter, but for the majority of the hours, I was focused on heavy topics. I was fearful of my anxiety, I was terrified that my sadness in nursing school would be long term, and so for much of the time, those emotions had a more firm grip over me. I "didn't have time to be happy" because I was too busy focusing my energy elsewhere.

Needless to say, Boulder helped facilitate me out of this cycle of maudlin. I was able to appreciate the simple pleasures in life, laugh hysterically with my girlfriends, find beauty in the simplicity of my day, and not give the complexity of life so much power. It has its place of course, but only until the last few months, I have let it take the lead role, as opposed to the supporting role. I feel like the more power you give something, the more it will dominate your mind and the more difficult it will be to stray away from a habit.

I feel as though the lessons of life are invaluable and should be appreciated for they make our trials bearable. Figuring these things out on the front end of life for me makes me get really excited about my later years because I can imagine myself having gotten at least a fraction of it figured out. But until then...chuckle.

So in my days now, I make it a point to incorporate laughter. I want to feel carefree in my dealings and relationships and not be so whole heartedly intent on making it be "all about lessons."

Learning to laugh and being carefree is a lesson in and of itself.

An orgasm in my heart

I have 4 new wonderful friends. They entered into my life quite unexpectedly during an event that the hotel that I work for was hosting. It was a pretty cool multi day music festival featuring new and upcoming artists who perform a small set of songs in an attempt to promote themselves further and potentially sign with a label. Well, I worked some of this event, and on the final day, one particular band caught my ear. After hearing the band practicing before the function started for the day, the lead singer brushed by me and I immediately complemented him on his sound. He was very nice but the conversation didn't proceed much further beyond that. After the function ended, the band was seated on a couch discussing how they were going to spend their last day in Boulder before their flight that evening.

I suggested spending time on Pearl Street which is the main road which runs down the center of downtown with a wonderful pedestrian mall, I suggested a hike, or swimming in Boulder creek. Well, they were intrigued by my third offer, and invited me to come along. They seemed like wonderful people, so I invited them to my home and then we would go from there. They came over and after coming to my house found that it offered everything they needed: a creek in the backyard, a piano, guitars, and a landmark for food delivery. So we decided to stay and enjoy the afternoon.

Our conversations together turned toward romance and within five minutes, I was disovering that these men were so full of love and compassion for their respective partners. One of the men in particular was telling us how he met his wife and while the story in and of itself was interesting and unique in its own right, he made a comment that stuck with me much more heavily. He described meeting her as experiencing an orgasm in his heart. And it made me realize that those words were the best description of love that I had ever heard. He nailed it and felt it whole heartedly.

It made me realize that true love sends you on this fantastic emotional journey that takes you and your heart places you never dreamed. It made me realize that during this time in my life, I should be patient and wait for that. I don't need to spend my time worrying that love won't come my way or questioning why it hasn't, I need to trust that it will enter my life and change me.

Love is such a miraculous thing and it is everywhere. That entire afternoon was filled with love. And each day is as well, it doesn't all have to exist in the ways of romance. Love exists within friendships and even between strangers. A simple hello, assisting someone across the street, or volunteering your time to help another. Think about incorporating love into your life as much as you can. For when you give it, it will be returned.

always wanting more...

Apparently the story of the four person family surviving on $50 of groceries per week in America isn't a lie. Can you imagine that? I am sure that most of the people here reading this blog are spending more than $50 a week on groceries just for themselves (or at least that was me for the last 4 years)...Thank God for BANQUET frozen dinners. They are a mother's best friend: a quick and easy dinner with the starch, vegetable and protein all in one frozen glorious plastic bowl.

Because of this financial burden, these families search around the local grocers to comb the aisles for circular deals...10 for $10, 2/$5.00, etc. But unfortunately with gas prices rising as they are, these families don't have the "luxury" of going to each grocery store. Now they have to bank on the fact that the one closest to their homes will in fact have the best deals. But here is where the story turns beautiful. For these families, they are content. They are satisfied with their state, well for the most part that is. Maybe it isn't contentment with the situation, but more acceptance . These families are genuinely willing to understand the present and adjust their mindset accordingly. They aren't dissatisfied with not being able to provide more, but more thankful that they can provide anything at all.

Why aren't the rest of us that way who can afford well over $50 in groceries per week for just a single individual? Why is it that with every aspect of life we are constantly dissatisfied with the present and always motivated toward bigger and better things? In a sense, this seems like it would be a positive. But think about all of the days and weeks that aren't appreciated for their own beauty because we are constantly future oriented. It is always about seeking out moving forward instead of priding yourself for the journey already traveled.

For me I absolutely had a really hard time striving for this mindset. My thoughts were constantly focused on how I could be making more money, making my life more comfortable, being able to provide more for myself. When really I feel like I should have given myself credit for supporting my own well being detached from the financial comfort of my father. But now I am aware that I have the opportunity to take one of two routes: accepting the present and being thankful for my own bounty, or ignoring it and using my energy toward motivation for bigger and better things. I honestly think I would choose the former, until it feels right for movement up.

So take those families of 4 and use them as a role model. Admire their ability to understand the work they can provide and the bounty they can allow themselves and their children to have. Apply that to your own life. Instead of maybe guilting yourself over not making as much money as your neighbor, feel so lucky that we have the ability really to live freely and without worry.

the tentacles of rejection

Rejection I feel is one of those things that rears its ugly head in so many parts of one's life. It maintains a solid foundation, but waves poisonous tentacles all over a person's world, and instilling a fear inside that prevents the free will of pursuit of a rich and fulfilling existence.

For me, as of right now, I have defeated its strength and power over me, and have maybe developed an antidote for the poison it injects. But for many years, I was stopped dead in my tracks due to the fear of rejection.

I can think of two main areas in which rejection has played the biggest part in my life: relationships and academics. I have seen the power that rejection has had over me, and absolutely willed it out of my life. But trust me, this isn't a process that necessarily concludes when you want it to. Sometimes the power of "hearing no" almost acts as abuse. Once you experience that initial bruising and hurt, the pain may never be alleviated.

Relationships for me though have been interesting. I have absolutely put myself out there to men and without a doubt heard no. But over the years, I have learned to take that rejection not necessarily as a result of my own flaw but merely as an opportunity for exposure and growth. When I hear "I don't think it's going to work," I have to respect that for the many reasons why. I can't just assume that all of the reasoning has to do with me as a person. I feel like when the recipient internalizes rejection, that sets up a cascade effect of unhealthy patterns. For me, I feel that being proactive in a romantic pursuit can be accomplished by maintaining my reverence and respect for myself. Find the balance.

With academics, I came to my father as a rising freshman in college crying because I had been turned down at a school that I really wanted to go to. And he looked me in the eyes, took my hands and said only "Greer, rejection means you are shooting high enough. If you had been accepting everywhere, it would have meant you weren't striving as high as you could." That put me in my place and for the first time I really and truly felt ok with NO.

Therefore, in my life I am not necessarily going to demand that everything I want happen to happen, but I must maintain the assurance that I made every effort I could to hear YES. There will be no regret, no opportunities missed. Does hearing a NO mean you took steps back? Absolutely not, it doesn't make you any worse off, it just means that you are embracing vulnerability and turning you back on insecurity.

the best option?

Choosing your battles is for me been a challenge in the recent past. I have found myself really looking hard at a situation and discovering which aspect of it really deserves my energy. I have been confronted with significant frustration on a multi dimensional level, and trying to find it within myself to confront my frustration with as much patient and reserve as I can.

In attempts to give enough information yet remain at enough at a distance to keep all parties involved out of the line of fire, all I can share is that I have seen many things over the last week. I have been witness to unkind words, impatience, inflexibility, and selfishness. I have been bombarded with most of these within just a few days.

Unkind words to me, especially when made to a persons face or without their knowledge, don't have much of a role in my day. For me, the harshness of words can really impact a soul and hurt them profoundly. In my earlier years, I found myself gossiping about "friends" of mine. If there was a conversation regarding someone negatively, I would find myself contributing without true cause. Since those times, I have become significantly aware that our words are our most true expressions. We live by our words, and when a person has a reputation for speaking ruthlessly, they carry the brand that goes along with it. I don't want to be known as that, and I don't want to be surrounded by it.

Impatience can change a more or less beautiful moment or experience into one of tension and hurt. Impatience only communicates that a person is so unwilling to be asked to compromise or negotiate anything and to me shows a significant amount of insecurity. I have been company to extreme impatience and to the point where it has impacted my impression negatively of people in my immediate circle. For me, it makes me want to become that much more flexible, because I never want to live my life as though I am in such need for control. I want to be relied on as someone capable of handling unpredictability with grace.

Selfishness wears many hats. It can be manifested in so many ways and can harm so greatly recipients of its wrath. I have been unfortunate company to some selfishness that has all but brought me to tears. And yet, if there is an opportunity to contain the anger, let time pass and re-evaluate, you will find that the desire to behave irrationally (anger, violence, etc) will become less intense.

So in light of all of these emotions that have consumed some of the people in my environment, I find that there is one basic solution that helps me not only find peace but be able to proceed with my day: come to the conclusion that their actions have very little to do with me as a person. Know that my inability to move forward without being dragged down with it will do nothing but hinder my soul. So therefore I can proceed with my day and let these people and their insecurities come and pass. I can only hope that a point of realization will occur and that their behavior will soften. Until then, I can't live or feel anything but what comes from inside.