gaining ground

In true summer form, I am taking my time with the blogging this summer. I am learning a ton and really discovering new parts of myself each day (shocker), but when I sit down to blog I look out my window to see the flatirons behind me and a bluebird sky, and I am drawn to the out of doors. I knew all of you would understand.

I am finally standing up for what I need and want, and not what others need/want, and not allowing naivete from lack of experience allow people to walk over me. With one particular circumstance in particular, I have been trampled on, and in the midst of a pretty convincing poker face by the other person, have seen opportunities that I have not taken to do what I needed to do for me.

I have been scared of it, and allowing myself to be blinded by being treated like a queen, taken on amazing adventures, out to beautiful meals, and really not been able to see what my needs are because of this. Interestingly though, even when I did discover what was happening and was able to understand my behavior and really what I was doing, I was saddened and frustrated.

I was saddened because I couldn't believe that I could let a situation escalate so far, to bring me to a point where I have broken down. I was frustrated at my behavior. In my life I have been here before. I have had a tendency to not play close attention to exactly what my needs were/are. I have been a consistent giver, so keen on helping others, so in need of taking care of those around me but never fully with myself.

So here I am with this awareness but still progressing forward as though my needs aren't a consideration. What exactly am I afraid of? And I was able to tangibly bring it down to a few things, and realized that my needs so severely outweighed what I felt I was getting out of the situation.

Therefore, I choose to allow my needs to dominate and I stand my ground. It wasn't easy, I even hesitated in communicating this to the other person, which again was frustrating. But it isn't an easy process, and once again I realize that lessons learned don't come seamlessly and don't come without difficulty. So I approach this one, with softness on my edge and patience in myself. Standing your ground isn't always the easiest option, but it is the most important. Don't back down on who you are, it is important as are your needs.

The wonder of time

I feel like I have been beginning most of my blogs lately with an apology because I haven't been writing. I find myself at times feeling guilty for not writing, because I know that there are things that need to be released, but I have been so busy lately...that my blog seems to have been what has been left out of the mix. Unfortunately, it has taken its toll on me, and there are moments when I feel saturated and in need of expression. So here I am :-)

Timing...It is a compelling phenomenon to consider, due to the fact that whenever bad things happen to people, they constantly say "bad timing..." and vice versa when great things happen. We aren't of the awareness that the timing of events could be in fact greatly linked to the prospect of lesson learning and opportunities to gain insight into experiences.

For myself, and as I look back on last year and all that it entailed, or every single time that I find myself tested by the world and feeling like there are speed bumps everywhere around me in my life, I think of it as "bad timing." I review the mentality over in my mind of, when it rains it pours, and almost find myself feeling like the victim to the world's power.

But as I reflect further, I consider a dear friend of mine who has found herself in a dilemma. She is on the verge of losing a family member while studying very hard for an important exam in her life, an exam that will determine her career. She already felt preoccupied by the demands placed on her academically, and when this emotional component was added into her mix, she found herself saying "bad timing, or is it the worst?" When I am determined to look at it from another point of view.

I see her position here and immediately hope that she can as soon as possible see this as a chance that the world is giving her. It isn't bad timing, for I don't necessarily think bad timing exists. I think of events occurring as more of a consistent opportunity for learning. They are seeds embedded in our bodies and minds to potentially allow us to gain perspective and stop living a life that is focused so inward.

So for myself, when I feel overwhelmed by negative experience and feel like I keep being bombarded by life's tragedy, I consider that it might be just another lesson and it eases the initial impulse of selfish thinking.

integrity

In my experiences and even more so with recent situations, I have discovered the importance of integrity. Staying true to your honor, upholding your highest sense of self, telling the truth, behaving with dignity, all of these attributes that were embedded in our lives even as young children are just as applicable now as they were then.

It is amazing to me how these simple lessons, learning to tell the truth, learning to say please and thank you, learning respect, learning to listen, understanding the importance of "quiet time" all have such a substantial role in my life today. It is critical to pay attention to those lessons early on, but as we all know most children have one ear on the parent and one ear on a million other distractions.

But most recently I have found in my life the value of integrity. I have had people behave poorly toward me, expressing concern regarding qualities of my own and concerns about my nature that have damaged me. They have made me question my worth. I have had dear friends approach me with hurtful words and have found myself taking them to heart and absorbing them as though they were personal attacks on me and my character.

I have in the past forgotten in the heat of the moment that one overpowering and sustaining gift that I have is my integrity. It is the lock and key into my soul that no matter what happens, there was honor from my end.

This in no way underestimates the presence of lessons learned in the meantime. There can be mistakes made and lessons learned while still maintaining integrity. I have discovered in my own process that the intention is behind so much of what integrity is and stands for. If in my choices there is honor and truth, then I have integrity.

If there is integrity, then there is no backtracking and swirling clouds when negativity comes into my path. If there are harsh words exchanged and hurtful comments made in my direction, my integrity should keep me on my path, instead of hurdle me in a tail spin out of control. It is important to gain awareness of your own integrity, and if you feel like it is in question, examine the possible reasons why and try and understand where it can be reinstated.

Integrity is what keeps us grounded in who we are and what we stand for. It keeps me on my feet and allows me to move through this life being appreciate of who I am, respectful of my nature, and humbled through the learning of lessons.

my friends...

You think of those people in your life who have nothing and give everything, who love the idea of service and progress through their day with a passion and respect for life and the people in it. There are only a handful of people in my life that I can safely say fit into this category. I have had the pleasure of knowing two of these three men in the picture, Micah Dash on the left and Jonny Copp in the center are dear friends of mine here in Boulder, CO.

Both incredible alpine climbers, Micah represented Mountain Hardwear and Copp Patagonia, and they scaled the most magnificent peaks in the world. They were driven yes by the adrenaline rush that accompanies sitting on top of the world, but also thrived on the simplicity of friends, family and community.

Today the news released that one of the climber was found and positively identified as Jonny Copp, who is a well respected and admired figure here in Boulder and all over the world. Each of my interactions with him further magnified his love of his life and the world around him. In everything he did, it was with everything he had. An incredible role model and source of appreciation for me.

As for Micah and Wade, the other two climbers who are still missing, I am smiling but also feel saddened. Smiling because those men were doing what they loved, smiling because they were in their element pursuing their love of climbing. I am saddened for those they left behind, the family members and partners, the friends and the community. I feel supported by the outflow of support and feel nurtured by the attention drawn to the search cause.

I am in remembrance today. Today I appreciate life. Today I smile in their memory.

slow to forget but quick to forgive

I have learned a bit about myself over the last couple of days. Through an experience with a friend, I have understood that I play the devil's advocate quite a bit. For better or worse, I am inclined toward placing myself in the shoes of another to understand motivation for action.

I genuinely feel that if I am unable to place myself in the mind and body of my opposition, then I see it as selfish. And of course this is circumstantial, for I have never been hurt to the extent that I was unable to forgive, but I believe that it is our duty as human beings in this world to provide second chances. And yes, some actions are unforgivable. And yes there are moments right before wrong is done and harm is committed where the tides could have turned, for everyone chooses their path. But there are also times when those few precious moments don't seem available.

I read in one of my chapters for class that so much of the wrong in this world is originated in human beings who have a disconnect between their own mind and body. People find themselves so engulfed in charged emotion that they are unable to identify what their needs are. They are so in a place of habit and influence that they don't understand that they have a choice. Everyone always has a choice.

And while people have a choice whether or not to behave poorly and selfishly, on the reverse we have a choice to forgive or not. Forgiving doesn't equate surrender, and forgiving doesn't parallel forgetting. Forgiving to me expresses an awareness that we are all human.

I was hurt very badly by someone recently, and I was tested and challenged and forced to make some decisions that were difficult. But throughout it all, I thought before I acted. I calculated what was the best thing for everyone in the situation, and I didn't ever believe that my forgiveness or avoidance only benefited myself.

I am quick to forgive, I am a realistic optimist. I find myself having a very logical head on my shoulders, with a tint of "assuming the best in everybody." If someone hurts me, I search for reasons as to why and assume that they were fearful for something in their life and their negative behavior was that fear's manifestation. And if I can discover it, I can forgive it. We were not put on this earth to interact seamlessly. We were meant to learn and gain from one another. And what good does it do me to be unforgiving? Would I want someone to reject my apology?

I maintain the fact that while I am quick to forgive, I am slow to forget. I take to heart people's actions and I always remember them. If they are repeated, then I am slower to forgive. But second chances are deserved in this life, especially if a lesson is learned.

ok i'm back...

That didn't take long did it? This has been a strange few weeks, and perhaps that is why I have found myself unable to write. Mainly it has been a swarm of clouds that have all been hovering above me. Some silver lined, some with golf ball size hail. Overall, I have found myself feeling dominated from a myriad of points.

In a nutshell, I don't really feel like I've been myself. I let money get to me, and over the course of the past month or so, I have found that my job situation has been less than stable. Bouncing from work environment to work environment, I feel like there is a constant preoccupation with work. And I am hating it. I am over the economy, I feel suddenly like I am just a buoy that is cast out in the middle of the ocean with no anchor sometimes. And over the past few months getting laid off twice hasn't helped the cause. It has weighed on my happiness.

When I realize that it gets to me, I get down on myself. Asking internal questions such as "Why are you letting it get to you like this?" And repeating things over in my mind such as "You shouldn't let it get to you," "You are above this," "Stay in perspective." And while I think all of those mantras can be beneficial, when they are forced into my mind, I just find myself more upset and frustrated that this is even an issue. Aren't emotions weave an unbelievable web of mischief?

I want to be honest with this blog, because I have found over this period of time that it is a source of comfort for me. I can be myself here fully and disclose everything. I believe that it is important for each person to have their own container for authenticity, a place to share the truest inner sense of being. I can't wait to feel like myself again. And if the job is unstable and it bothers me, let it. There is something clearly that I'm afraid of, but when I understand fully that fear and realize that my life actually isn't in any kind of harm, it will soften, but I must know that patience is the way to progress.

And I can wait, knowing that each day provides lessons.

until...

I am taking a break from my blog...not saying that I'm not learning tons, but I feel I just need space from it. Will write again, don't worry! Love to everyone.