Wednesday, April 29, 2009

always to blame


My brother allowed me to see a habitual pattern of mine that not only did I have no awareness of, but found myself avoiding and turning my back on it for a few moments. I have been feeling a little bit of pressure monetarily related, my rent has been increased and I am finally feeling the effects of this economy. About time right? :)

Here is the objectivity around money for me: there are pressures on me yes, but I am so aware that most of that anxiety that I feel around it is due to a weight that I put on myself. I have this vision of my treasure chest, and the kind of money I want to have in it.

I have been influenced by family members and friends, who have either been callous with money or over protective and I have personally been effected by both extremes. And I didn't understand the power that money had over me until I detached further from the financial HEAVEN of my father.

Money is not the point of this entry, it is an example of an opportunity for this habitual tendency of mine to surface yet again: when things go wrong in my life, I have a tendency to blame myself. For whatever the reason, and I don't understand it.
If there are bumps in my friendships, problems in romance, problems with family, I initially think..."did I do something wrong?" "Why am I feeling this way, I shouldn't be feeling this way."

This kind of mental version of ping pong can be a very lonely existence. I can be inside my body, feel relaxed and reassured, but feel like I have nobody. I don't even recognize myself almost, I look in the mirror and then I see a stranger. But I gain clarity around it, I learn not to judge the pain or the experience, but more allow it to be genuine in its presence.

I immediately question my actions...always second guess my behaviors. And I am not too sure where it comes from, but now I have so much awareness around it. And I am learning to understand when and where it pops up. I will have more updates regarding this particular new unfolding, but for right now...I just want to sit and watch it. Be curious about it. Don't be afraid of it. Invite it. Let it come.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

fear in my town


I received a phone call from my mother yesterday, a distant and lost voice on the other end terrified me as I was aimlessly moving through the noisy restaurant trying to find quiet. She told me the story leaving out most details because she was nearing the end of her day and knew that I was with friends.

She at first didn't want to share it with me, but then felt she must for she didn't want me to discover the news regarding the tragic deaths of Athens' finest through CNN. Turns out a UGA professor opened fire at one of the local theater houses and killed his wife and two others as his two daughters waited in the car, unknowing of what was happening.

On receiving the news, I discovered that this tragedy is different from the others that I have experienced over the last year. While each individual circumstance maintains significant sadness and unanswerable questions, none of them occurred in my valley. Athens for me has never been the scene of the crime, and now my native heart and the hearts of my fellow Athenians are heavy.

Now there are police officers on the search for a man who committed a crime out of illogical passion. He was able to end of the life of his wife and mother of his children, because he was feeling out of control. And what I hate more than anything, is that the people who take pride in safety are having to think twice about how secure they do feel.

It is unknowable why people act violently to try and fill such a deep void. But I do know that my protective nature over my town and those who live there is very strong right now. I am feeling for everyone in Athens and can't believe that our town is suffering.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

a year...and cake!


Unbelievable. I think about my year of 2008 and immediately I think of tragedy, I think of lessons, I think of pain and suffering, I think of anxiety, I think of sleepless nights, and appreciation for my breath...but today, I think of Katherine Arnold Wolf.

I think of the fact that it has been one year today since her life was turned upside down and rattled. She was shown the door to death and closed it. She told the world and herself that she was going to survive this and came as close as one can to passing on...

I remember that morning when I got the phone call at about 7:45am on my way to work. It was my mother and all she said was "Katherine Arnold has had a terrible brain accident. I don't know anything else, but she is in surgery and it doesn't look good." I remember my reaction...I was numb. I was almost jaded, as terrible as it sounds...but I had been confronted with so much sadness and tragedy that I couldn't really understand it. Life didn't seem normal anymore, life seemed fraught with danger and I felt boxed away from it.

I became obsessed with her mother's blog for a few months there after, and I was constantly checking for updates and new information on her condition. In June, I went to Los Angeles to visit her. And it was one of the most incredible wake up calls of my life. I remembered this woman from high school, vibrancy and energy seeping out of every pore of her skin, gregariousness and grace in her relationships...and I stared at her from the other side of the hospital room and swirled internally.

I went from seeing beauty queen, blonde bombshell, and diva...to courage, and stamina, resilience and power. I suddenly didn't see her externally anymore, I could really feel what came from inside of her. She looked at me, took my hand and said..."I am glad that you are here. Are you friends with me on facebook?" Hilarious, and I will never forget it.

One year later, I am still in awe. She can eat now. A feat beyond her wildest dreams, she is optimistic about the state of matters and has been able to sufficiently see the good to come out of this. Her ability to strive for fullness, in EVERY circumstance is seeping into me daily. She will not have to rely on a feeding tube for her nutrition, and I feel like this is one of many steps to further integrate her with the life that she once knew. Now it is a new beginning, and she wants cake. Cake with sprinkles. I'll eat to that. Katherine I love you and marvel at you.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

a good lesson


As I'm sure all of you have already been introduced to Susan Boyle. Scottish vocalist extraordinare who has stunned the entire world with her magnificent talent. As I was sent yet another Youtube video, and clicking reluctantly on the link...I watched her walk up and probably had the exact same thoughts that everyone else had...

I found myself thinking...here is just another one of those aspiring singers who really has very little talent who is going to humor the world for three and a half minutes while the audience sits there quietly mocking. Additionally, I see a woman walk onto the stage, Susan Boyle who isn't particularly attractive, and she proceeds to explain to the three judges that she has wanted her entire life to be a professional singer but has never been given the chance.

I am now thinking...shocker. Here is a woman who is encroaching on 48 years old...who lives in a modest Scotland village with her cat Pebbles and who wants one day to be as famous as Elaine Paige. Immediately my judgment and assumptions about who she is and her level of talent overwhelm me, and I almost close down the internet window.

Until her voice came through. And I am telling you, it was one of the most incredible renditions of I Dreamed a Dream (already one of my favorite songs), and my heart was heavier after her performance. It was heavy for two reasons: that song has a potent and powerful way of reaching into my soul, and it made me understand and recognize my cynicism and judgmental nature.

I feel as though the entire world was given a wake up call that day. For Susan Boyle successfully stunned each and every person who witnessed her performance, and for the only reason of we all judged her appearance.

Myself included all categorized Susan Boyle into a category of mediocrity and yet underneath her appearance is a goddess. She is a truly humble woman who has a remarkable ear for song. She has enabled me to see clearly my own fallacies within the human experience.

I find myself thinking...how did I get to a point in my life where all it takes is a modest woman to walk on stage and express her aspirations for me to assume facets of her life, and assume her ability to perform? I don't think I was alone in my process.

And so here I thank Susan Boyle, for teaching me a powerful lesson. Looks do not at all predict the inner glory and beauty within a human being. Susan has forced me to look at my own struggles with making assumptions on others and for that I am grateful. We do ourselves the greatest disservice by proceeding through this life with the premise that we are better than others based on looks or any other superficial contribution.

Susan, I know you will shine. Thank you.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

a new discovered power


Something I have understood about the human is that we have this incredible super power that we don't even realize. It is a super power that only I have recently discovered and I am proud to say that I use it when I need to. And that is if any kind of negatively charged emotion comes to the fore front of our mind and body, we don't actually have to acknowledge and deal with it at that one moment.

Here is a concept to consider: create a container for all of those emotions. You can visualize any kind of container that you wish. It really isn't anything but a space of your own to place those emotions whenever they rear their heads. And it is an opportunity for you to exercise your own power and in having control over them.

We have an impression that these emotions are so powerful and have a grip over us that we can't fathom, and honestly it is the opposite. We are the head of our own ships, and we have the ability to let in what we wish.

This thought is empowering for me. So one of my dearest friends of all time, and I have only recently met her since I started attending Naropa told me about her own container. And she visualizes a honey jar. Now any time an emotion that she doesn't want around (loneliness, sadness, anxiety) visits her, she places it in her honey jar. So that when it enters the honey jar, it gets stuck to the honey. And this exercise isn't an opportunity to throw it away and turn your back on it, it is an opportunity to give yourself a break.

I don't feel it is beneficial to turn your break on those emotions, for each one of them is an excellent teacher. I feel like when I am in those states of fear of my own emotions, I learn the most about who I am. I learn my strength and my weakness, I see my own abilities and fallacies. They are excellent about opening our eyes to our inner being.

Therefore, create a container. Allow yourself a break, and revisit those emotions when you feel you are ready. Because so much of the time they come when we don't expect them, and very rarely at those times do we feel equipped with adequate resources to tackle them. So...in essence, pull them out of the honey jar when you have rallied your team together and are ready to press forward and handle them authentically.

Monday, April 13, 2009

do i have the time?


It is amazing, I have found that in the last few months or so I have been tested by people around me in a very particular way. It is undeniable that my days are busy, and with that comes an element of impatience within myself. I see it surfacing through in my behaviors and the moment I notice it, a couple of things happen: I express it habitually without even thinking, or I get frustrated by it being there and spend more energy being annoyed by my impatience than being present in the moment.

It is interesting to me...people and myself included have this demand for having the day exactly as planned, according to schedule, and when deviations from this norm occur, it seems to completely uproot the system. Our wicks have become quite short, and we take out that anger/frustration over our deviated day on those who have no connection. It is a problem in my opinion that lies within.

But it is interesting to me how I have been this way for so long, gained such an awareness around it, and then have been able to watch and observe it from a step backward.

In nursing school, I feel like my life changed. Circumstances allowed me to gain an element of self awareness that was not present in my life previously, and the ability to look at myself in a whole new domain was encouraging for me. I started to really notice habits of mine, behaviors that were so embedded within my world of expectation that I didn't even see them for what they were. And with this point in my life came an embrace of my impatience.

It popped up in my life in so many areas, traffic moving too slowly and I would find myself frustrated because I couldn't get where I needed to go. And then passing by a horrible wreck and watching bodies being carried off in ambulances. There are those moments of perspective that should keep us all in check. But still, I wouldn't give my impatience two glances. I would acknowledge it, and let it pass through with no real desire to understand and change it.

Then after my life turning point, I began to watch it...at first I watched it very closely, for I was in this heightened state of anxiety and because my conscience had finally caught up with me, I was keeping a close eye on all of my actions, making sure that I was not hurting anybody or myself. And that time was difficult, because I was able to really turn my face to my impatience and saw that it was EVERYWHERE.

That hurt me deeply. I saw that my need for control and strict adherence to a schedule was pervading my ability to be happy. And since I moved to Boulder and begun attending Naropa, I have become soft on myself. I see my habits for what they are, and know that sometimes they are going to be there and will exist out of impulse. But they don't define me...I feel like we are all daily evolving (as I said in my very first blog)...and that the ability to be nurturing to our own fallacies is a key ingredient to being truly human.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

before you can help someone...


You must know how they need to be helped.

I am learning so much about this and have been for the last few months. I have realized about myself that I am a "rescuer." In my friendships and familial interactions predominantly, I have found myself when seeing someone in need racing toward them to provide aid.

It is difficult for me to see people that I love in disarray or hurting, and it is even more difficult for me if I cannot help. There is this natural inclination within me to help. I feel it is a large reason that I went to nursing school, I am drawn to serving my community and the people around me. And I have always thrived on the feeling it gave me, to know and understand that me going out of my way, even minimally makes a difference in someone else's life. And that to me is contentment.

So in this need to help others and feeling a need to express energy in that direction, I feel like I fell short in a couple of areas. Knowing when to help, and knowing what kind of help to give.

Knowing when and when not to help is a key factor. Sometimes I had found myself offering assistance to people in the wrong time, giving too much and smothering the recipient. Knowing that I was smothering was difficult for me, because it was never my intention to create a negative charge. But it is easily possible to do when you are helping someone and not really understanding the dynamic around the situation. Additionally, interestingly enough the act of helping out another seems selfless but there have been times in my life where I have helped others for a personal benefit. And I feel comfortable in acknowledging that, because I know that for me at this point now, I don't help until it feels like it is in the recipient's best interest. I now have a keen awareness of my audience before I act. And that way, the act isn't self involved.

I also slipped into a trap of not knowing how to help. Or more specifically, I found myself helping others in ways that I would want to be helped. And it is a beautiful thing to be able to accurately examine who you are helping and their inner dynamic. I have discovered that everyone receives help differently and prefers a unique blend of assistance.

To me that is the real rescuer. Someone who is there in a time of need, someone who can see when it is appropriate to give help, and someone who can gage what kind of aid to offer. These components make it real.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

how do i identify?


I do apologize for having not written, my life has been twisted quite a bit the last week. I know all of you understand.

I think about this topic a lot. I am so fascinated by the premise of identity, that so much of my time over this last year and a half has been in exploring and understanding who and what I identify as.

I think about all of the people in the world, trying to understand how all of these influences in life can mold and alter our sense of identity. And for me I sometimes look at people who are close to me, family members and friends, who find themselves woven into this pattern of the expected identities. At certain ages, I should identify as this, when I have children, I now identify as this, when I retire, I identify myself as this...and we as a collective then miss the part about spontaneous experience.

It is scary to watch people who do begin to identify themselves as certain things. A dear friend of mine, found herself at the end of 25 years of child rearing and she was terrified. She had identified herself as a mother for years and all of a sudden didn't know how to live her own life.

She didn't know how to begin her day without the responsibility of children, she didn't know how to spend her mental energy without the preoccupation of making sure her children were well nurtured, and she didn't know how to fall asleep knowing that all of her babies were safe and sound. It is incredible, how she who once was a woman who had the world at her fingertips, wanting to take the most from her day, learn the tools of life, see the sights of the world, and needing rich experiences...to someone who didn't know how to get through the day.

I can see myself at this point in my life right now...and I identify myself as many things: I am a student, an athlete, a sister, a friend, a girlfriend, an explorer, a seeker...all of these things, I identify as. And I have had conversations with people, who identify themselves as a father, or a mother, or a girlfriend. That is such a common one with many woman my age, they identify as a partner. And sometimes with that I feel like personal interest and authenticity fall by the wayside.

I want to live my life to the fullest. I don't want to identify myself as one thing, mainly because I don't think I am just one thing. Even into my old age, I want to defy all of the societal expectations of how I should be living my life at all of these points. I want to keep my interest in the world and other people. I want to end my day knowing that it was lived. I mean really lived.

Don't just identify yourself as one thing, reach inside and understand what makes you authentic. Use that information and apply it to the world. Even though all of these identities that I have mentioned are valuable in their own right, they shouldn't be all that you are. Be as much as you can be.