why do i need the validation?

I am discovering things about myself and my relationships...and it has entered into my awareness really through friendships.

Most of my being is confident. I have elements of my world and my persona and how I interact with things and people around me that I don't question. I know that I have a good head on my shoulders, I know that I am curious about life and its complexity. I know that I have people around me who love and care about me. I am confident in my work in both the office and classroom setting.

But as of late, and due to recent circumstances, my abilities to be a friend have been questioned. I had a door closed on me by a friend, in an attempt for her to fulfill needs of her own and in pursuring what it is that makes her truly happy from the inside out, I was cut out of the mix. And in my mind it was abrasive and hurtful, and I was not given an opportunity to speak my peace.

And what did I do with that information? I questioned MYSELF. How could this possibly be happening, and what have I done wrong to facilitate this behavior in someone I considered a pretty close friend? All of my questions were directed inward, assuming with all of my rational and logical being that I had behaved poorly, that I had hurt her...

I realized I craved and absolutely demanded validation from my other friendships that I was a contribution to their lives, that I had a place higher than a shut door. That I was a partner with them, a kindred spirit, that we could discuss anything and everything, and more than all else, that they knew I was there for them. Part of the communication between this friend of mine in the circumstance was that I was accused of not being genuine, being dominant, and that I never took the time to get to know her.

Those words were the most hurtful, because despite my extroverted and full life, I make it a point to allow my friends and family to know that my genuine ear and heart are theirs.

The need for validation doesn't now doesn't make me question my confidence in myself. But it did. And I was bruised. My ego and self container were tainted, and for a brief moment, I had a broken wing and a broken spirit. But now, I look forward, take that lesson, know that we are EVOLVING DAILY, and with each new day and new sunrise comes learning.

a sense of fear

So there are those times in my life where I have been so apprehensive to speak my peace, whether it be in romantic relationships, friendships, sibling encounters, etc...

This has come into play most prominently with two specific relationships of mine. In an attempt to keep it as anonymous (as possible), I will keep the details vague, but the message clear.

With one circumstance, I found myself with an opportunity to speak my mind to a romantic partner. We have had kind of a roller coaster relationship, and I have been subject to personal conflicts within himself and inabilities to control jealousy. It has been plaguing me for so long, and I found myself just unable to speak my mind to him. As though I had something to lose. And I searched and searched for what it was, and I found out that so much of what I was scared of losing was that notion of being taken care of by a man.

I found myself so entangled in a web of being wined and dined that I didn't allow myself an opportunity to see how much of my involvement and energy into the relationship was actually for myself and my own happiness.

A second circumstance was another person very close in my life who had made it very clear that he didn't want me part of a significant event that had occurred in his life regarding his health. Now I am a fair distance away from this person, so my daily interaction with him is non existent. To say the least, there were moments of dishonesty where I was left in the dark regarding his state of health. And I have found myself incredibly frightened of bringing it up. And again, I look into myself and see what it is exactly that I am so afraid of. I am afraid that I am going to lose what I have with this man. I am afraid that our relationship will change, because his dear heart is so afraid of being vulnerable and confrontational with his own emotions. And I don't want to possibly muddy the waters of what we have. So where do I stand then? Do I speak my pace?

And sometimes I feel like we all come to these crossroads in our life. We come to these points where people in our lives evoke emotions in us that must be expressed, but there are hidden fears deep within our souls that prevent us from carrying out these conversations, because we are afraid of not being safe in the relationship. But I have seen the error of my ways, I have seen that the longer I wait, the harder it gets, and the more painful the interaction becomes. When if I just own it on the forefront, my mind is at ease, my heart is at peace, and my relationship is honest.

Speak it if you feel it, don't let the fear of consequences sway action.

the day after

Yesterday. Jan 20, 2009 is the benchmark of change. On that morning, I ventured out to the sun kissed sidewalk of Pearl Street in Boulder, CO with tea in hand...not exactly aware of what I was about to witness.

As I walked into the local breakfast joint around 9am...there were only scatterings of people throughout some of the booths. I immediately found my friend and within 20 minutes, they were turning people away at the door. It was filled with optimistic and eager spirits, who were so adamant about embarking on this new chapter in the world's history.

Honestly as it began, I was filled with emotion. Sadness for George Bush over the last eight years, I felt for him yesterday. I can only imagine what is (AND ISN'T) going through his mind in these moments of transfer of the torch. His face seemed so old and weathered, as though the last eight years had really aged him.

I felt a sense of anxiety, there were worried clouds circling above me, for fear that extremists would act on their violent motivations...I was intimidated that because every branch of government was present and so many prominent faces in politics were convening that it would be cause for turmoil. Thankfully, I was wrong. But for the entirety of the procession, I was nervous.

Lastly, I was proud and eager. I was excited and encouraged. Barack and Michelle Obama carry power in their stride. He holds pride and reverence with him in his presentation. A man that I am truly proud to have in the seat of power. I appreciate so dearly his acceptance of the road ahead and is very realistic of what work lies ahead for all of us. He understands the severity of it, but it so appreciative for the opportunity to motivate change.

I love that the energy shifted the moment Barack was elected the next president. Everybody was starving for declarative and strategized movement. And the excitement was global. It was so profound and moving seeing the celebration on election day, and it rivaled the two million person, flag waving crowd at the inauguration.

I am presently proud. I am eager for change. I am aware of the road ahead, and am excited about stepping foot on the path toward a new horizon.

getting it all done

So many balls flying in the air for me right now, and the same thing happens to me every weekend as I am looking at the week ahead of me...I wonder to myself, how did I let it get this full AGAIN?

So much of what I wanted to change about my 2009 was to calm this inner need in me to always be busy. It isn't that I don't enjoy it, because honestly there aren't parts of my day that I don't enjoy, I think though that it is the culmination of doing so many things in one day, that it almost seems as though each individual event or experience doesn't get its full due because my mind is pretty much consistently focused on all that is going to happen within each 24 hour period.

Each of the things I am participating are all expanding and enlightening me. I have part time jobs which are all different in their own respects. I am being challenged by my new bosses, I am being exposed to new worlds of art and public relations. I am learning time management and organization, I am being tested to stay on top of all things asked of me. And then there is school. School demands not as much of my intellectual capabilities as it does my emotional will power. The curriculum itself is rigorous, but I feel capable and up for the challenge, and was expected that with graduate work comes difficult academic work.

But again, with all of this...I do have this sometimes penetrating sense of fear that not all of my commitments will be fulfilled. Sometimes I think that I won't stand up to the challenges that I have made for myself. Maybe I am fearful of not living up to a standard that I have placed on myself. I am hard on myself. But there again, I create these opportunities for expression of my abilities. So I can't really be hipocritical because I am the one who has made myself the target.

So now when I notice myself feel those inner crawlers inside, who tell me that it won't all get done, I laugh at it. I say to myself, if I approach this with humor and ease, then with those two things IT WILL ALL GET DONE. Therefore, my mind relaxes. I am now not as afraid of squeezing it all in. I will take each experience and be as in the moment with them as I can individually. It all deserves appreciation. And now I am rest assured that it will all get done.

a culture of distraction

I have gained a little bit of insight into the American (and frankly other cultures as well, but this is the most apparent to me) way. I have seen so much of this tendency toward self distraction...There are many things that we all distract ourselves from. Humans on the general I have come to believe are in some essence afraid of approaching head on the complexity, unpredictability and dark side of life.

There are more families than not who pride themselves on these extravagant movie theaters in their homes, setting up 11 reclining chairs placed perfectly in front of a flat screen television. It is always on, pumping people full of mindless and frantic chaos that is in every way addicting. But then you find yourself on the other end of 5 hours of staring at a screen, wondering what exactly was gained through the process. But what is interesting is that this pattern is lived over and over.

The television has become a central feature for distraction from life in general. A person comes home from a long day at work, stressed out over the economy or employee dynamic, and is only eager for something that will draw his/her mind away from actually thinking about it. Think about holidays...so much of what people associate with holidays are endless hours with family members centered around a television, all muted and focused in on a particular sports event or some glammed up program. Please don't misunderstand, I am a sucker for ABC.com and getting to watch free episodes, but as I always say...moderation. It isn't unhealthy to exercise opportunities to not think about the all consuming stress of the occupational world, but I believe that the manner in which Americans on the general go about it is what is detrimental.

Distraction also comes into play with the process of grieving. There is always that mentality of "just keep yourself busy," when dealing with the sickness or loss of someone else. We have become so deeply conditioned to believe that keeping ourselves busy as an opportunity to get through something is the preferred method. I do believe that marinating it isn't exactly the best approach ever, but I feel as though we have found ourselves on the far other end of the continuum, seeking out any opportunity to not have to think about the actual issues at hand.

I know that when my dear friend Eve Carson was killed a few months ago, I was encouraged by all parties to just stay busy, because then I would be able to progress forward with my life, and not have excessive opportunity to be sad. Well you know what I think? I say give each its due. Be sad, allow yourself to not be busy and really understand and appreciate those moments of vulnerability. They aren't as intimidating as we have made them out to be.

As Kahlil Gibran says, "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." I have always really resonated with this quote, because I used to live so much of my life afraid of what it meant to be anxious or depressed. But when I discovered that the more I actually lived those emotions and the lower I felt, the more joy I could contain in my own being. And I have lived both extremes. And his words are true.

I want to be the kind of person who doesn't run away from issues at hand. Everybody needs a break, I am a firm believer of that. But I don't think that avoidance is the answer. I feel like having the courage to acknowledge the pain and suffering makes it less powerful in my life. If I am able to really express and feel what I am scared of or anxious over, then those issues become surmountable.

like a hawk

It is amazing when I look back at the last five to ten years or so of my life, and mark the progression that I have made regarding the relationship I have with myself and the relationship I have with the world around me.

When I was in high school, I was swept away by all of these needs to fill expectations that others had of me. I was preoccupied with doing whatever I could to be admired by the more sociable and attractive group. I stepped on people to get where I needed to go, and throughout all of it really lacking an astute awareness of the ways in which my actions would intimidate or instill fear in others.

When I reflect now, I become an interesting blend of remorseful and grateful. I am burdened by internal unrest I have potentially provoked in another, and curious if my actions had any long lasting effect. (I have always admired greatly the stamina of a person who is consistently ridiculed throughout their childhood and even into adulthood. There is an unbelievable test that those who are bullied are constantly taking, and passing. I found that even in the few times when I was publicly belittled, I was full of fear and anger, almost to the point of acting out on my heavy emotion. And I reflect on those people who withstand that hurricane for years without significant outburst). Sorry, sidenote.

I am though quite grateful that I had to experience that in order to learn the importance of each person having a beautiful uniqueness, and just because our shells appear to be different, that doesn't warrant my arrogance and need for personal ego fuel.

As part of this reflection, I marvel at my lack of awareness then and am humbled by awareness now. However, at times what it does do is propel me into watching my actions like a hawk. Really making sure that nothing is misinterpreted, I make sure that at the end of my days all relationships are on firm ground, and that I have contributed in whatever way--big or small. I think though that this imbalance isn't necessarily healthy, I should go from one extreme to the other, and find middle ground in the beauty of the fallible nature of humans.

So I feel as though I have ping pong balled between lack of and excessive awareness. I don't think yet I have found my completely comfortable middle ground. But I am searching for it, to have an open eye to my actions, but not excessive.

so many feel it, but so few say it

I received one of the most beautiful letters in the mail today. I swear I think I was secretly meant to live in the time before email and phone communication, because there isn't much more that satisfies me than looking in the mailbox and seeing a letter from a friend.

The letter was an opportunity for a friend to express how much my place in his life had impacted him and he went into remarkable detail about how our time together had changed his life and served as a catalyst for him to "open his eyes" to the world.

It was a letter that stands on its own. I have never received anything quite like this before and it allowed me to realize something very important: I feel as though there are these people in my own life, who are changing me daily, forcing me to reach outside of my comfort zone, enlightening me, and expanding me. And I cherish them in my mind daily and appreciate them relentlessly. But this process sometimes exists internally.

Since I moved to Boulder, I have made it a point to verbally express to those around me the importance of their place in my life. I have found how critical it is this afternoon. No matter what we have going for ourselves and no matter how validated we "should feel," you have no idea what could be going on for someone on a daily basis. Anything could have gone wrong, a comment taken personally, or a mistake made that could potentially prevent someone from feeling whole on the inside.

Today I understand this mentality that so many people probably feel things about those around them: appreciation, gratitude, love, warmth...all of which probably aren't shared every time they are felt. And I don't necessarily feel that EVERY opportunity should be taken advantage of, I think that is a little much to ask. But I do encourage myself and everyone to speak it when you feel it as much as you can. Understand that we as people change when we realize we have changed someone else.

It accompanies this mentality of living fully and being conscious of your every waking moment, wanting it to be as much as it can be. Not needing to necessarily make gold out of every moment, but more an incorporation of breathing life into every moment. Sometimes those people who never seem like they need the validation are the ones who need it the most.

If you feel it, express it.

internalizing...

There are so many different methods of coping. There are a thousand ways that one can manifest hurt, sorrow, pride, fear, happiness, etc...Usually the "negative" emotions (ones that cause pain, so in most people's minds are viewed as bad) are the ones that are internalized.

For me, especially in 2008, I have found myself internalizing what I am going through. There had come a point in my life at some point during this year, kind of in the midst of all of the turmoil of unexpected circumstance, where I just felt like my processessing it needed to come to a halt.

There were so many parts of my day that were filled with people asking how I was doing, how I was coping, where I was in my grieving process, who I was talking to about it, etc...and I found myself truly exhausted. Found myself going to the other extreme and talking about none of it. And I don't necessarily feel as though that should be the primary exhibition of coping, but I do feel that it should be listened to when needed. We as humans weren't meant to constantly be processing and being vocal. Sometimes being internally quiet will allow ourselves as individuals to discover what our needs are and what it is that is causing us sadness.

Another reason I feel that I have internalized so much of it is because there are so many people in my community who are so brutually aware of all of the things that are occurring that I am pretty consistently questioned. And I don't want to just identify as someone who is going through all of these things, and someone who is always suffering emotionally.

I do feel though it is dangerous to be unbalanced in navigating through life and its unpredictability. As with most things in life, everything in moderation. I don't feel as though excessively verbalizing or internalizing is conducive to prosperity.
So in my circumstance, I feel as though internalizing some of my storms is of benefit to both myself and those people around me. Like I said, there is an argument for communicating calm seas, even when turbulence is the only internal weather report.

am i effected?

Those people who are closest to me in life have a unique opportunity to have a great impact through their words. So much of the time when I am explaining to friends and family the new people I am meeting and the new things I am experiencing, there is vast opportunity for reactions to play a role.

And especially when I have met new people...new men in particular, words have power. And I pay attention to the reactions of those people I cherish. Someone had asked me yesterday if the comments made by others on people I know and am close with have an impact on how I proceed forward.

In these situations, I feel as though it is very critical to examine the source of the comment. If I feel as though the person speaking is speaking words with malicious intent, I will acknowledge that. If I truly to see it as something "with my best interest" at heart, then I will acknowledge that. Therefore, I feel as though examining the source is critical.

It is difficult though to hear words spoken of someone that you are close to that aren't necessarily in a positive light, and not have your mind preoccupied by that planted seed. For me sometimes it will spin me into a cycle of examining my relationships and seeing if those qualities are actually there, instead of making the decisions and conclusions for myself.

This blog is short but important: I feel as though if we allow ourselves to be effected negatively by words of impression and expectation of other people, then we aren't confident in who we are inside. I realize that the line isn't so black and white, but in a sense it can be. We can allow or not allow those words to impact how we conduct our own relationships.