a sense of fear

So there are those times in my life where I have been so apprehensive to speak my peace, whether it be in romantic relationships, friendships, sibling encounters, etc...

This has come into play most prominently with two specific relationships of mine. In an attempt to keep it as anonymous (as possible), I will keep the details vague, but the message clear.

With one circumstance, I found myself with an opportunity to speak my mind to a romantic partner. We have had kind of a roller coaster relationship, and I have been subject to personal conflicts within himself and inabilities to control jealousy. It has been plaguing me for so long, and I found myself just unable to speak my mind to him. As though I had something to lose. And I searched and searched for what it was, and I found out that so much of what I was scared of losing was that notion of being taken care of by a man.

I found myself so entangled in a web of being wined and dined that I didn't allow myself an opportunity to see how much of my involvement and energy into the relationship was actually for myself and my own happiness.

A second circumstance was another person very close in my life who had made it very clear that he didn't want me part of a significant event that had occurred in his life regarding his health. Now I am a fair distance away from this person, so my daily interaction with him is non existent. To say the least, there were moments of dishonesty where I was left in the dark regarding his state of health. And I have found myself incredibly frightened of bringing it up. And again, I look into myself and see what it is exactly that I am so afraid of. I am afraid that I am going to lose what I have with this man. I am afraid that our relationship will change, because his dear heart is so afraid of being vulnerable and confrontational with his own emotions. And I don't want to possibly muddy the waters of what we have. So where do I stand then? Do I speak my pace?

And sometimes I feel like we all come to these crossroads in our life. We come to these points where people in our lives evoke emotions in us that must be expressed, but there are hidden fears deep within our souls that prevent us from carrying out these conversations, because we are afraid of not being safe in the relationship. But I have seen the error of my ways, I have seen that the longer I wait, the harder it gets, and the more painful the interaction becomes. When if I just own it on the forefront, my mind is at ease, my heart is at peace, and my relationship is honest.

Speak it if you feel it, don't let the fear of consequences sway action.