like a hawk

It is amazing when I look back at the last five to ten years or so of my life, and mark the progression that I have made regarding the relationship I have with myself and the relationship I have with the world around me.

When I was in high school, I was swept away by all of these needs to fill expectations that others had of me. I was preoccupied with doing whatever I could to be admired by the more sociable and attractive group. I stepped on people to get where I needed to go, and throughout all of it really lacking an astute awareness of the ways in which my actions would intimidate or instill fear in others.

When I reflect now, I become an interesting blend of remorseful and grateful. I am burdened by internal unrest I have potentially provoked in another, and curious if my actions had any long lasting effect. (I have always admired greatly the stamina of a person who is consistently ridiculed throughout their childhood and even into adulthood. There is an unbelievable test that those who are bullied are constantly taking, and passing. I found that even in the few times when I was publicly belittled, I was full of fear and anger, almost to the point of acting out on my heavy emotion. And I reflect on those people who withstand that hurricane for years without significant outburst). Sorry, sidenote.

I am though quite grateful that I had to experience that in order to learn the importance of each person having a beautiful uniqueness, and just because our shells appear to be different, that doesn't warrant my arrogance and need for personal ego fuel.

As part of this reflection, I marvel at my lack of awareness then and am humbled by awareness now. However, at times what it does do is propel me into watching my actions like a hawk. Really making sure that nothing is misinterpreted, I make sure that at the end of my days all relationships are on firm ground, and that I have contributed in whatever way--big or small. I think though that this imbalance isn't necessarily healthy, I should go from one extreme to the other, and find middle ground in the beauty of the fallible nature of humans.

So I feel as though I have ping pong balled between lack of and excessive awareness. I don't think yet I have found my completely comfortable middle ground. But I am searching for it, to have an open eye to my actions, but not excessive.