opening the wound

It as just as I learned in nursing school: in order to ensure a clean wound, you must acknowledge the source, open it, dig through it, remove debris, clean it, close it, and allow it to heal. I have found that the same applies for emotional pain. Through experiences and my time as a student in Counseling Psychology, I have learned the hard way that traditional healing of the wound does not work in the "default" methods that we have become so accustomed to. Sometimes it takes more than a band-aid to really prevent infection and long term damage.

In mental health especially, I have gained an awareness that we are a band-aid oriented culture in the sense that we are so eager to mask symptoms with medication just in order to supposedly integrate them into "normal" behavior. Unfortunately, just as with physical wounds, emotional wounds can create a bigger problem when merely covered with a prescription.

What it does, is forces individuals to rely on a pill a day in order to redistribute biochemical transmitters within the brain so that the balance is in place. However, with time, infection will continue to grow until it is seemingly out of control. Because all that the medication will do is cover up the problem underneath, and will prevent an individual from acknowledging that inner struggle, because for all they know, they are feeling better.

With true emotional healing, the wound at its source must be identified. Once it is named and its origin is understood, then the real work can begin. I am eager to discover how much a person can process through unpleasant experiences and emotions without anything other than conversation. I believe in my heart that we can get farther than we believe we can. This "debriedment" of sorts, when working through emotional turmoil can be extremely painful, just as is the cleaning out of a physical wound, however its power is undeniable.

With that initial painful re-entry back into the source of the hurt, you can really make efforts to moving through it. How is it that we have missed this vital component within the realm of health care? In my nursing school experience in the psychiatric unit, so much of the real humanistic interaction was lost, because patients were sedated as a side effect of their medications.

There is so much fear in the symptoms that surround mental health disturbance, that health care professionals are so eager to have them eradicated that they allow this to cloud over the emphasis on conversation. I have found that so much of what patients want is to be heard and normalized, and when they are merely handed a prescription as a result of admitting to a list of symptoms, their feeling of importance is lost.

I believe that it is my responsibility as a rising mental health professional to make sure that above all else, I realize the power of conversation and the importance of allowing my clients to feel heard and supported. Of course there are always circumstances where western modalities are necessary, I just won't be quick to take that road.

24 has a whole new meaning.

Eve,

I truly can't believe it. I remember where I was and how I felt as I wrote you your last birthday card. I was devastated, crushed, confused, scared...Didn't know what to write until I just relaxed, listened to my sadness, started typing, and all of a sudden I was finished. I want to remember today only with elation as I have for years, but instead am left with an intertwining element of grief. It threads its way through the memories of childhood parties and young blossoming friendships, and I find that I can only maintain my smile for a moment.

I think of you constantly darling friend. You are so much a part of the memories that I have made and am still forming in my life. It is amazing how I feel you, your rich beauty and luscious presence are everywhere in my day. As I sit here with a heavy heart, I find myself grateful that I got 23 years with you and that for my entire life, you have illuminated me.

I have learned acceptance for the fact that I cannot celebrate with you today in person. I have understood that on your birthday now I set aside a portion of my day for just you and me. I venture off alone to the most beautiful places in Boulder so that I can remember and be with you all for myself. I will today find that spot in Boulder, and as my tradition goes, I will scream with joy and pain for you. I will scream for the gifts you have given me, and will scream for the absence of your glow.

Your spirit coarses through me. Just two weekends ago I was in the mountains for an all day workshop with horses and as I stood there in the midst of this beautiful valley with the trees tall and the flawless bluebird sky, it began to snow. I was shocked surprised, and do you want to know what first came to my mind? YOU. I felt you Eve, and I wept as the snow fell all around me. Like I said, your spirit is everywhere.

I dream of you most nights darling friend. I see you in your pajamas on top of a coffee table dancing and singing your heart out. I see you inviting me on an adventure where we will learn great things and build beautiful memories. I see your long beautiful blonde hair, and your oh so classic fashion sense. I see your arms opened wide so that I can have that famous Eve hug. I am thankful to my core that I never see you hurting or sad in my dreams, never see you longing or grieving. I only see you as I experienced you.

I need to tell you something. Since your death, I live fully. For me but because of you, I live fully. You did live each day as it was your last, you did give people the REAL you every moment. One thing I will always admire about you darling bird is your capacity for feeling and not being afraid. Your contentment for what you were experiencing (painful or painless) and your ability to express it used to attract me, and now they are me.

I don't just think that you are ok wherever you are. I feel you are ok. In every step that I take I know you are being provided for and supported. If I could do anything to have you back for one more second I would, but I will settle for the assurance that my bluebird is somewhere safe and flying free.

The happiest of birthdays to you my darling bird. I will think of you always, but especially hard on this day.

With oceans and oceans of love,

Greer

so much to do, so little time

Spreading myself too thin yes is an ongoing theme in my life, and I know that I have both talked and blogged about it, but it is something that I struggle with. It is so interesting, because I was in class the other day, and a classmate of mine was expressing frustration over the same dilemma. He was talking about being a teacher, going to school, and being a husband and father, and how he was being encouraged by the people around him to let go of a few outside of school obligations, so that the academic environment and home life weren't so stressful.

He was expressing conflict because he didn't really want to do this. Well, it wasn't necessarily that he didn't want to, deep down I think that he really did, but was terrified of what it meant to let something go. In his mind it meant that he was going to have to tell somebody "no" and as far as he was concerned, that meant he wasn't as responsible as he could be, and wasn't being as accountable as he could be. And it is amazing, because I was listening to him speak, realizing that for the past year(+) I have struggled with this very thing.

I find myself thriving on being busy. I love having my time filled with things that I love doing which include both school and work, and also mean spending time with my boyfriend, friends, and most importantly - just myself. It isn't a balance that I think comes seamlessly, and I think it is dangerous for us as people to realize a place that we are in life, realize we want to change, and find ourselves so eager to be in a new place. When we carry on this mentality, we forget that to get somewhere, you must go through a process, and that in that process there must be a lot of self care. There must be a level of self awareness that will guide you easily along the road of transformation.

These negative tendencies and habits feel seemingly out of our control, and sometimes I find myself blaming these actions on "habits that are so deeply enmeshed that they are out of control" when really I always have a choice of how to act. That is a remarkable realization that I came to, in that with every point in my life, I have a choice of how I want to behave. Habitual or not, each action is a result of a conscious decision. And for that reason, the habits can be broken.

I feel very strongly though in the idea that we must take care of our own needs when struggling. We must understand that change can be painful, and that it is essential for us to recognize when we don't need to push so hard, or in fact when we need to push harder.

It all goes back to this illusion of control. I feel like the rigidity in the schedule, the impatience, the selfishness, the ignorance, etc are all manifestations of a need for control. And so breaking these habits is in a way surrendering to the feelings of being out of control for a period of time. And so it shouldn't be done as quickly as ripping off of a band-aid. Take it off, a little piece at a time, make sure that you are okay through the process.

groundless

We are learning in class how we have "identities based on contraction." The basic premise behind this is how we come to a point of self actualization in our lives, and are curious about why/how it comes when it comes. We see ourselves as changing beings and don't understand how we got here but are so appreciative that it is present. In this process as well, there is an opportunity to reflect on our live before, and how we have shed this old skin and have grown a beautiful and different new layer of protection.

When I reflected, I saw in myself this presence of an identity based on contraction. And when I say that, it doesn't necessarily mean that my muscles were constantly tensed and I was never relaxed, but it is more a sense of emotional contraction. As we are raised, we are influenced by a myriad of expectation and obligation. We are taught the basic premise of "right and wrong" and what is appropriate and what is inappropriate. We are very rarely ever taught from day 1 to form our own values and beliefs. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, because we cling very dearly to our parents for a sense of guidance. How else would we navigate our way through life if we didn't have authority figures and role models to learn from?

However, I feel like there is a glitch in the system, because so many people find themselves well into adulthood without a basic sense of their own morals, but yet they have traveled along this path of life with the ideals of influence. This is where the sense of contraction comes in, where has our sense of identity gone? Where do we fit into this huge mix?

The interesting thing about our identity is this: it is groundless. Every day our identity is changing, there are different things that we are learning, different morals and values that we are adopting as our own, and in no way is our identity constant. That is something we need to become comfortable with. This identity based on contraction only comes from a place of unawareness, and it is up to us to determine where we do fit, and what does resonate as real for us.

small gestures

Those small unexpected gestures: a treat on my doorstep, someone working a stand at the farmers market giving away their product, random texts of love and appreciation, flowers on the table at home, etc...

These are small gestures that I have been finding popping up all over in my life recently. These seemingly small notes of kindness have seeped their way into my day and I find myself at times with this adrenaline high of gratitude.

I am surrounded by people who give endlessly, and who use what they have and use what they love and express that to those they appreciate in their life. I want to acknowledge those gestures as being at the heart of love. I know that in my life it is very easy to lose sight of what those gestures mean, and I become preoccupied with my own sense of obligation, expectation for myself, and don't extend myself in the ways of human relationship.

What do these gestures do for me? They set a standard. They raise a bar. They provide awareness. They allow me to see that at the end of the day, it isn't just about how I survive and prosper and get through my day, it is about how I show up for myself and for others. It allows me to see that the beauty of humans is our ability to be givers and receivers. And I know that people don't give only with the intention of getting in return (for the most part), but that true givers extend themselves because they have such appreciation for the act of extension.

Sometimes giving like that is scary though - I feel as though I am a giver. I thrive on knowing that I can take care of others, I feel like I extend myself beyond reaches at times because I want the people around me to know how I feel. I want there to be mutual love between myself and friends, and when that falls short, it is an incredibly lonely feeling. I have been in friendships and romantic relationships where the other party involved was a receiver and didn't understand the power of giving on that kind of a level. And I found myself feeling unappreciated and unsupported.

Now this isn't to say that I give for the wrong reasons, but when you find yourself constantly giving and giving with someone and not receiving any kind of mutual love and respect in return, it can be saddening. The sadness though comes from a place of longing for that person to understand the beauty of small gestures. Those small gestures make a BIG impression.

Just last night, I was meeting three friends with whom I have a long history. And they brought along a friend of theirs who I had never met, and we all enjoyed food and drinks, and as the check was being brought, she said simply to me "I don't know you really at all, but let me get your dinner." And it was one of those moments in my life where suddenly it all became clear: the giving element of a person's being not with the intention of receiving is the most beautiful trait of all.

It gives me the energy to give and give. It allows me to truly appreciate my friends and the people around me, and forces me to acknowledge that it is the simple gifts and gestures in this life that make us feel loved, appreciated, and supported.

the "reds"

So many individuals around me are suffering. It seems like on a daily basis I am confronted by people that I love who are being tested by the storms that are part of life.

These storms are also called the "reds." They are the dangerous and challenging spots, they are those periods of our lives where are physical or emotionally being are hurt. It is difficult in the midst of the reds to see beyond them. Sometimes it is otherwise impossible.

A very dear friend of mine has suffered a deep deep red for the past two years. Surrounded by death and unreliability in romantic partners, she is left completely broken by the unpredictability of life. She is unable at this point to see good in her day. She doesn't know what to do at this point, and doesn't see a light at the end of her tunnel. All she can see is the dark passageway that she seems to be blindly navigating through. Life for her is about struggling to be above the surface of the water while not really knowing how to swim, as opposed to freely floating with an ease in the stroke.

The reds can come in many forms. They can manifest as tragedy, death around you, personal attack on character, inability to achieve goals, etc...Their only determinant of being a red is in providing an opportunity for an individual to learn a lesson, but in a seemingly difficult way. More often then not, they provoke sadness, anxiety, distrust, fear, and questioning.

In my life, I understand the reds. Nursing school for me seemed like one big red. Day after day, my tests were relentless and my sadness seemed unshakable. I found my reliability on trust and faith to be waning, and I felt very insecure in my ability to really live. I was scared to proceed on with myself "as I used to be" because there was so much fear that I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. There wasn't trust in my day.

Then after nursing school, and after graduation I was able to see light at the end of my tunnel. For the first time in several years, my days felt authentic. And then I suffered a string of tragedy last year that seemed to take me back to those distrustful days. That was terrifying for me, because all I wanted was to have faith. All I wanted was a life filled with lessons that didn't seem to rock me to my core.

And only on retrospect am I able to see that the reds do come and go. As do storms. And it is up to us as humans to whether that storm, not just for the sake of "getting through" but learning lessons along the way. As a storm rolls around, we as people have an innate sense and faith that the storm will pass. However with the reds of life, sometimes we don't have that trust.

Why is this do you think? There is something beautiful in the reliability of an actual storm. It is guaranteed that it won't always be lightening and down pouring rain. However, when life beats us to the ground time and time again, we then lose that faith that it will pass.

All I can do right now is think of the reds as a physical storm. I must have the sense in myself and in the world around me that there are always going to be lessons to be learned. The same way I would not want a physical storm to take my life, I can't let the reds either. I have to take the red and turn it into gold.

never been said

The courage it takes to admit something out loud that you have never said before. I saw this happen and it struck me like very little has in a long time. There are so many emotions that fly around within people (fears whether they are irrational/rational, frustrations, judgments) but so many people exist in environments where these emotions are terrifying or embarrassing to admit.

When I was in nursing school, I was incredibly lonely. I was surrounded by people, and great people at that. I was engaged with my peers and my teachers and was baffled as to how I could feel alone. I was under the impression that loneliness only stemmed from maintaining a solitary life, where there were never people. I equated physical aloneness with loneliness. And it wasn't until I actually felt lonely that I was able to see how the two do not go hand in hand.

I proceeded on for about a year, feeling desperately sad. Not just sad because I felt alone, but sad because of what I felt it meant to be lonely. I was so tied to the negative connotations that being lonely included and therefore marinated in its fire for a significant period of time.

Slowly, I began to journal. I started to write down on a superficial level what my days consisted of. Even at that point, writing down emotional states of mind that seemed negative or stormy for me were not included for I was afraid of that kind of vulnerability. It took me six months to be able to write the words "I am lonely." And it may seem insignificant to others, but that accomplishment for me was a breakthrough of an enormous fear.

In school for counseling psychology, I am challenged every day to work through fears of my own and emotional struggles that I carry. And I have done a great deal of work around them. In my fellow classmates, I have watched people verbalize demons that have been imprisoned within their heart's walls their entire life with no chance for escape. It is the feat of a lifetime to face that fear of vulnerability and stare it down.

For me, it has been my savior. My ability to admit my own fallacies has made me more human not just to myself but to others. Every avoidance of it, ignorance of it is just an attempt and a protective defense that we as humans so conveniently lean on as a way of not hurting. It seems logical but in the long run will prevent authenticity. Speak your fears and own them for they will facilitate stronger heart and mind.

present body absent mind

I am back!

It has been a long and relaxing summer and there hasn't been a ton of opportunity for me to write. I have really appreciated the joy and release that writing this blog has brought me, but I have also really loved the break from the need to consistently be processing my life on an emotional level.

And here I am now, coming to the end of the summer and realizing that my life as a student has resumed. I have begun again to spend two heavy days a week (and 5 moderate days a week) saturated in the work of counseling psychology and understanding the power of the human mind and body.

And I appreciate the work so much. For the first day of school, I found that my body was present, but my emotional/psychological/mental commitment to what I was doing wasn't. I thought I was there and really wasn't AT AL and understand how incredibly good humans are at programming themselves on autopilot.

I find myself doing it frequently throughout the day, and I think many people do. Waking up, doing the morning routine, going to work/school, taking breaks, engaging in small talk, coming home, eating, socializing, bed, repeat. It is amazing how many days can pass before we look back and realize that much of our existence has been on autopilot.

In one particular class on Thursday, a professor of mine was watching me engage in another student through an exercise, and he picked up on my present body and absent mind. He verbalized it in front of my other group exercise members, and immediately I was embarrassed.

Embarrassed for my skillful tact in maintaining a "distance" from everyone around me, embarrassed that my classmates had seen this false thread in me, embarrassed that my teacher didn't think I was real, etc. I became immediately defensive, and then gradually submissive to my masked impression.

Then, I came to. I was finally present. My attention was fully on the present moment, and I hadn't felt so real in a long time. Since then, I have been present. I have found the beauty of autopilot and our ability as humans to turn on a protective barrier surrounding us from the harsh physical/emotional realities, and then find such sanctity in having no barrier at all.

knowing my duty

I say yes sometimes to things for selfish reasons. I agree to extra work, babysitting, and in this particular case, dog sitting sometimes for reasons that would only benefit myself...like extra money.

This tendency of mine became abundantly clear in the last week when I agreed to house sit/dog sit for a dear family that I know here in Boulder. They have a dog who I was instructed "to not take around other dogs" because historically she hasn't maintained the most polite of manners. I took this into consideration yes, but as the week went on found myself eager to bend the rules slightly, for how harmful could things really be?

As my mother came into town for a visit from Georgia, we were standing in the kitchen of my own home with my new dog for the week and two other golden retrievers who live with me. For about thirty minutes we were all standing around as the dogs co-mingled in the kitchen, and about twenty minutes into their time together, things turned dark pretty quickly.

All of a sudden the dog under my care snapped and she and one of the golden retrievers were in a genuine brawl. It took about five seconds for me to intervene, as I grabbed the dog by the harness and removed her forcefully onto the back porch. Fearful of what might have happened to the golden retriever, I immediately scanned the dog's body for wounds. Seeing nothing, I was immediately relieved. Until I walked out to the back porch to discover blood coming from the dog I was sitting, I filled with fear.

The dog was pretty badly wounded, but after an emotional conversation and hard pressure held to the wounds for quite some time, I realized something...I was taking only myself into consideration the whole time I had been house sitting and dog sitting. I tried to take short cuts and not really adhere to the dog's needs and found that this pattern of behavior needed to stop.

I was frozen in my behavior, and am seeing now the importance of thinking before accepting a proposition. And if the proposition is accepted, it should be done with full responsibility, dedication, and appreciation for all parties involved. It was an eye opener for sure.

fearing judgement

I had a really amazing conversation with this morning with a good friend of mine on the subject of judgment. My entire adult life I have coursed through my day with a sense of optimism, almost to a fault, of the people around me. I have been stepped on and manipulated and maintained a good natured sense of the perpetrators. I have absolutely been unable to let myself form judgments on others, no matter how I had been hurt or taken advantage of.

I realized this morning that so much of the reason I did this was because I was afraid of forming judgments. When I would be hurt by someone else, I would almost take it on myself and somehow create a wrong that I had made in the situation, and still keeping a positive image of my contemporary.

I would hate it when other people would make judgments of those around them and would conclude in my mind that those negative mind traps were dangerous and un-necessary in life. This morning, my view changed. I was finally able to see after such a long period of time that judgments sometimes are sources of strength and liberation. They have finally allowed me to acknowledge and understand that people's negative behavior toward me isn't something I am doing. It originates in a deep seeded insecurity that lies at the core of the soul.

Finally I have perspective here. And I am able to see two things: 1) I am not at fault when people's insecurities are expressed through negative behavior, and 2) having accurately formed judgments are an opportunity for me to indulge in self care. Now I am able to protect myself and am fully resisting the temptation to give into the fear of judgment and its meaning.

For so so long I have felt guilty when judgments arose and have avoided them as though they were toxic. I assumed that the presence of judgment represented the presence of a superficial soul. I always looked so deep to the good of EVERYONE that I missed the actual selfish natures that were around me.

It is a tough balance to strike however. Knowing when judgments are appropriate and when they are dangerous. It is good to know yourself well enough that they are only to be acted on when in thorough communication with the other person, and that the judgment isn't out of turn or due to misguided information. I have to find that balance in myself know. I must know when people are being true versus trying to play a role that isn't natural. I must keep my eyes open to my needs and be able to express them when necessary.

All in all though, judgments aren't to be feared, they are to be acknowledged and incorporated into nature of humans.

the power of community

Yesterday was the memorial for three men: Micah Wade, Jonny Copp, and Wade Johnson who all were prominent figures in both the Boulder and international climbing community. I personally knew Jonny and Micah well, but interestingly never understood the bounds they had overcome as climbers until being notified of their deaths. Those men had their passions in perspective. I love that I didn't know their worlds outside of "great friends who lived in Boulder with me."

The memorials held yesterday were a tribute not just to the men and their lives but was a testament to the power of community. Over 800 people gathered yesterday at Boulder Theatre to remember and celebrate the men. It was truly incredible to go to this function alone and really be able to observe everyone who was there. Tons of family members of each of the men were in attendance and Jonny, Micah, and Wade's parents came up and spoke.

From the first moment, the community rallied around the event. Blank books for writing, tea candles, tibetan flags, and photos adorned the entrance way to the memorial, and from moment one you felt like you were in the presence of true love and support.

For three hours, there were slideshows and speeches, and an audience that would have stayed all day. There were tears and cheers, and entry ways into the lives of the three men before they were ambassadors of the outdoors.

Following was a barbeque which drew in about 100 people. And honestly for the entire day I was blown away by the unfailing support. The power of community is so strong, and in my opinion is one of the few gifts that we have. It is undeniable that the trust and presence of those around the fallen have kept those closest to the men strong. And I am proud to say that I live in a town where the response to a call of need is quick and genuine and profound.

holding off

I see it in myself, I see it in my friends, and I see it in a lot of people around me. It is one thing for people to recognize and understand their own loves and passions, but there sometimes seems to be such a difficult transition between acknowledging them and actually tapping into them.

Most prominent in my life and I am thinking most easily held off for "another time, maybe a better time" is travel. I have such a love for new places and new experiences. I thrive on meeting new people and understanding new cultures. And in my life, I have been so fortunate to travel to incredible places. However since I have branched off from my life in Georgia and explored the western half of the country with my move to Boulder, I have really begun to understand just how much beauty there is in the world and even more so within the country.

However, I do find myself having all of these ambitions to travel and see exotic things, I have compiled a list of all of the things I want to do and experience, but am not actually letting them happen. I am letting "life" get in the way and am keeping practicality stand in the way of embarking on my adventures.

And I am scared by this fact. I have been wanting extensive travel for many years, and now I find myself at 24 wondering why I haven't done it yet. I have said no to the extreme spontaneity for the sole purpose of "it just isn't the right time now," or "I can't take off work," or "It is too much money." But at the end of my life, I don't want to have regrets, and I don't want to be hard on myself for holding off.

I have acknowledged my love for travel, and have taken the opportunity to embark on small road trips, camping trips, and day ventures, but I want to do more and see more. I feel that it is so crucial to know ourselves well enough to understand what moves us inside, but it is even more important to act on it. If you have the urges to travel, make it happen.

gaining ground

In true summer form, I am taking my time with the blogging this summer. I am learning a ton and really discovering new parts of myself each day (shocker), but when I sit down to blog I look out my window to see the flatirons behind me and a bluebird sky, and I am drawn to the out of doors. I knew all of you would understand.

I am finally standing up for what I need and want, and not what others need/want, and not allowing naivete from lack of experience allow people to walk over me. With one particular circumstance in particular, I have been trampled on, and in the midst of a pretty convincing poker face by the other person, have seen opportunities that I have not taken to do what I needed to do for me.

I have been scared of it, and allowing myself to be blinded by being treated like a queen, taken on amazing adventures, out to beautiful meals, and really not been able to see what my needs are because of this. Interestingly though, even when I did discover what was happening and was able to understand my behavior and really what I was doing, I was saddened and frustrated.

I was saddened because I couldn't believe that I could let a situation escalate so far, to bring me to a point where I have broken down. I was frustrated at my behavior. In my life I have been here before. I have had a tendency to not play close attention to exactly what my needs were/are. I have been a consistent giver, so keen on helping others, so in need of taking care of those around me but never fully with myself.

So here I am with this awareness but still progressing forward as though my needs aren't a consideration. What exactly am I afraid of? And I was able to tangibly bring it down to a few things, and realized that my needs so severely outweighed what I felt I was getting out of the situation.

Therefore, I choose to allow my needs to dominate and I stand my ground. It wasn't easy, I even hesitated in communicating this to the other person, which again was frustrating. But it isn't an easy process, and once again I realize that lessons learned don't come seamlessly and don't come without difficulty. So I approach this one, with softness on my edge and patience in myself. Standing your ground isn't always the easiest option, but it is the most important. Don't back down on who you are, it is important as are your needs.

The wonder of time

I feel like I have been beginning most of my blogs lately with an apology because I haven't been writing. I find myself at times feeling guilty for not writing, because I know that there are things that need to be released, but I have been so busy lately...that my blog seems to have been what has been left out of the mix. Unfortunately, it has taken its toll on me, and there are moments when I feel saturated and in need of expression. So here I am :-)

Timing...It is a compelling phenomenon to consider, due to the fact that whenever bad things happen to people, they constantly say "bad timing..." and vice versa when great things happen. We aren't of the awareness that the timing of events could be in fact greatly linked to the prospect of lesson learning and opportunities to gain insight into experiences.

For myself, and as I look back on last year and all that it entailed, or every single time that I find myself tested by the world and feeling like there are speed bumps everywhere around me in my life, I think of it as "bad timing." I review the mentality over in my mind of, when it rains it pours, and almost find myself feeling like the victim to the world's power.

But as I reflect further, I consider a dear friend of mine who has found herself in a dilemma. She is on the verge of losing a family member while studying very hard for an important exam in her life, an exam that will determine her career. She already felt preoccupied by the demands placed on her academically, and when this emotional component was added into her mix, she found herself saying "bad timing, or is it the worst?" When I am determined to look at it from another point of view.

I see her position here and immediately hope that she can as soon as possible see this as a chance that the world is giving her. It isn't bad timing, for I don't necessarily think bad timing exists. I think of events occurring as more of a consistent opportunity for learning. They are seeds embedded in our bodies and minds to potentially allow us to gain perspective and stop living a life that is focused so inward.

So for myself, when I feel overwhelmed by negative experience and feel like I keep being bombarded by life's tragedy, I consider that it might be just another lesson and it eases the initial impulse of selfish thinking.

integrity

In my experiences and even more so with recent situations, I have discovered the importance of integrity. Staying true to your honor, upholding your highest sense of self, telling the truth, behaving with dignity, all of these attributes that were embedded in our lives even as young children are just as applicable now as they were then.

It is amazing to me how these simple lessons, learning to tell the truth, learning to say please and thank you, learning respect, learning to listen, understanding the importance of "quiet time" all have such a substantial role in my life today. It is critical to pay attention to those lessons early on, but as we all know most children have one ear on the parent and one ear on a million other distractions.

But most recently I have found in my life the value of integrity. I have had people behave poorly toward me, expressing concern regarding qualities of my own and concerns about my nature that have damaged me. They have made me question my worth. I have had dear friends approach me with hurtful words and have found myself taking them to heart and absorbing them as though they were personal attacks on me and my character.

I have in the past forgotten in the heat of the moment that one overpowering and sustaining gift that I have is my integrity. It is the lock and key into my soul that no matter what happens, there was honor from my end.

This in no way underestimates the presence of lessons learned in the meantime. There can be mistakes made and lessons learned while still maintaining integrity. I have discovered in my own process that the intention is behind so much of what integrity is and stands for. If in my choices there is honor and truth, then I have integrity.

If there is integrity, then there is no backtracking and swirling clouds when negativity comes into my path. If there are harsh words exchanged and hurtful comments made in my direction, my integrity should keep me on my path, instead of hurdle me in a tail spin out of control. It is important to gain awareness of your own integrity, and if you feel like it is in question, examine the possible reasons why and try and understand where it can be reinstated.

Integrity is what keeps us grounded in who we are and what we stand for. It keeps me on my feet and allows me to move through this life being appreciate of who I am, respectful of my nature, and humbled through the learning of lessons.

my friends...

You think of those people in your life who have nothing and give everything, who love the idea of service and progress through their day with a passion and respect for life and the people in it. There are only a handful of people in my life that I can safely say fit into this category. I have had the pleasure of knowing two of these three men in the picture, Micah Dash on the left and Jonny Copp in the center are dear friends of mine here in Boulder, CO.

Both incredible alpine climbers, Micah represented Mountain Hardwear and Copp Patagonia, and they scaled the most magnificent peaks in the world. They were driven yes by the adrenaline rush that accompanies sitting on top of the world, but also thrived on the simplicity of friends, family and community.

Today the news released that one of the climber was found and positively identified as Jonny Copp, who is a well respected and admired figure here in Boulder and all over the world. Each of my interactions with him further magnified his love of his life and the world around him. In everything he did, it was with everything he had. An incredible role model and source of appreciation for me.

As for Micah and Wade, the other two climbers who are still missing, I am smiling but also feel saddened. Smiling because those men were doing what they loved, smiling because they were in their element pursuing their love of climbing. I am saddened for those they left behind, the family members and partners, the friends and the community. I feel supported by the outflow of support and feel nurtured by the attention drawn to the search cause.

I am in remembrance today. Today I appreciate life. Today I smile in their memory.

slow to forget but quick to forgive

I have learned a bit about myself over the last couple of days. Through an experience with a friend, I have understood that I play the devil's advocate quite a bit. For better or worse, I am inclined toward placing myself in the shoes of another to understand motivation for action.

I genuinely feel that if I am unable to place myself in the mind and body of my opposition, then I see it as selfish. And of course this is circumstantial, for I have never been hurt to the extent that I was unable to forgive, but I believe that it is our duty as human beings in this world to provide second chances. And yes, some actions are unforgivable. And yes there are moments right before wrong is done and harm is committed where the tides could have turned, for everyone chooses their path. But there are also times when those few precious moments don't seem available.

I read in one of my chapters for class that so much of the wrong in this world is originated in human beings who have a disconnect between their own mind and body. People find themselves so engulfed in charged emotion that they are unable to identify what their needs are. They are so in a place of habit and influence that they don't understand that they have a choice. Everyone always has a choice.

And while people have a choice whether or not to behave poorly and selfishly, on the reverse we have a choice to forgive or not. Forgiving doesn't equate surrender, and forgiving doesn't parallel forgetting. Forgiving to me expresses an awareness that we are all human.

I was hurt very badly by someone recently, and I was tested and challenged and forced to make some decisions that were difficult. But throughout it all, I thought before I acted. I calculated what was the best thing for everyone in the situation, and I didn't ever believe that my forgiveness or avoidance only benefited myself.

I am quick to forgive, I am a realistic optimist. I find myself having a very logical head on my shoulders, with a tint of "assuming the best in everybody." If someone hurts me, I search for reasons as to why and assume that they were fearful for something in their life and their negative behavior was that fear's manifestation. And if I can discover it, I can forgive it. We were not put on this earth to interact seamlessly. We were meant to learn and gain from one another. And what good does it do me to be unforgiving? Would I want someone to reject my apology?

I maintain the fact that while I am quick to forgive, I am slow to forget. I take to heart people's actions and I always remember them. If they are repeated, then I am slower to forgive. But second chances are deserved in this life, especially if a lesson is learned.

ok i'm back...

That didn't take long did it? This has been a strange few weeks, and perhaps that is why I have found myself unable to write. Mainly it has been a swarm of clouds that have all been hovering above me. Some silver lined, some with golf ball size hail. Overall, I have found myself feeling dominated from a myriad of points.

In a nutshell, I don't really feel like I've been myself. I let money get to me, and over the course of the past month or so, I have found that my job situation has been less than stable. Bouncing from work environment to work environment, I feel like there is a constant preoccupation with work. And I am hating it. I am over the economy, I feel suddenly like I am just a buoy that is cast out in the middle of the ocean with no anchor sometimes. And over the past few months getting laid off twice hasn't helped the cause. It has weighed on my happiness.

When I realize that it gets to me, I get down on myself. Asking internal questions such as "Why are you letting it get to you like this?" And repeating things over in my mind such as "You shouldn't let it get to you," "You are above this," "Stay in perspective." And while I think all of those mantras can be beneficial, when they are forced into my mind, I just find myself more upset and frustrated that this is even an issue. Aren't emotions weave an unbelievable web of mischief?

I want to be honest with this blog, because I have found over this period of time that it is a source of comfort for me. I can be myself here fully and disclose everything. I believe that it is important for each person to have their own container for authenticity, a place to share the truest inner sense of being. I can't wait to feel like myself again. And if the job is unstable and it bothers me, let it. There is something clearly that I'm afraid of, but when I understand fully that fear and realize that my life actually isn't in any kind of harm, it will soften, but I must know that patience is the way to progress.

And I can wait, knowing that each day provides lessons.

until...

I am taking a break from my blog...not saying that I'm not learning tons, but I feel I just need space from it. Will write again, don't worry! Love to everyone.

pushing through pain

Example of pain for me: running on pavement. There is nothing for me like running on pavement that will send pain through my body. It more so than really anything else (except filing...but that is more of an emotional pain that physical) will send me in physical distress.

So when the Bolder Boulder (a hometown 10K tradition that is about 30 years old) came around this Memorial Day, I found myself so eager and excited to run that I completely forgot that my knees don't necessarily love it as much.

So about 10 minutes into the race, I began to hurt so badly. And it was a pain that was shooting in my knees that felt so deep that I almost had to quit. But didn't. And I thought about this throughout the entire race..."Why is it that I am continuing to run through this pain?" I thought to myself all of the reasons why and came up with a pretty minimal list: competition with myself, determination to not quit, habitual pattern to push myself beyond my capabilities, and unfamiliarity with my own boundaries.

All of the reasons that I came up with weren't necessarily pleasant to confront. But through the entire race, I was able to understand and acknowledge that I push myself through pain more than I would like to admit.

I realize that I am scared of deviations from my mainstream norm, I don't want to disrupt my own schedule and routine. I have guarded myself from feeling these kinds of anxieties surrounding this for so long and now finally I am encouraged and motivated to face them.

It isn't comfortable knowing however that for a majority of my life I have self guarded. I have prevented myself from being scared of realities, and have limited my own capability as a human because of it. I see now in myself an obligation to not push through the pain anymore. Don't run because you are scared. Stop because you are strong.

if you never voice it

I have found myself both in friendship and romantic relationships getting frustrated at times for feeling distanced, or annoyed...And I have watched a progression of sorts that repeats itself in the exact same manner each time, and only now am I gaining awareness around it to understand how and why it is happening.

I find myself for one reason or another having a particular need that isn't being met. Whether it be lack of communication, emotional distance, personality quirks...whatever it may be, there are these streams of time when I will feel annoyed.

Now I see that I feel annoyed and find myself not saying anything to the other person about it. Most of the reason for this is, I find myself, especially now really picking and choosing my battles. The element of perspective in my life has been a key component in the past year, and I have been very conscious of what I choose to bring and not bring to the table.

However, I have found that in relationship, the other person will NEVER know that I am feeling these things if I never voice them. So the progression naturally travels as: I get frustrated or annoyed, bottle it up for a period of time, find it effecting the way that I interact with the other person, and get even more frustrated as to why things aren't changing.

I have seen that I expect people to read minds in a way. I just want the other person to understand my inner workings and know that I am frustrated (despite me saying anything or outwardly expressing it). So here I am with this new gained awareness of my habitual cycle and am eager to put the knowledge to the test.

From now on in both friendship and romance, when I am feeling any kind of emotion, I will voice it. That will facilitate open and clear communication and will allow myself and the other person to coexist more fluidly together as relational beings.

And I'm Back!

Just returned back to Boulder from an incredible road trip through the Pacific Northwest. I was able to spend the first three days in Seattle with my boyfriend and then my parents who were en route to a medical conference in Vancouver met me and we explored the Oregon and Washington states for a week. Despite the rain, I recommend it. However, the rain is what makes the landscape so lush and beautiful, so I guess we have to pick and choose our battles here. Which brings me to this post...

I came down with a pretty nasty infection halfway through the time with my parents and was confronted with a pretty surprising and severe alert from my body that things were not right. On one night, I was kept awake through to the next morning by chattering teeth and chills that were unshakable. I was unnerved by this, and trying to get out of bed was almost impossible due to this excruciating pain in my back. I got up, and immediately started sweating all over...

My dad started doing compressions on my back to test tenderness, and with a yelp from me he called in a round of antibiotics...kidney infection. I had pretty much confirmed that...

For the next few days, I was preoccupied. I was scared that my body could within such a short period of time almost become an enemy of sorts, it was fighting me and demanding an attention that I don't usually give it. I was uneasy over the prospect of not being in pristine health and realized that I take all of that for granted every day.

I never even think about the fact that every morning I wake up and am bounding out of bed, ready to see the world and the people in it, learn new things, and never consider my health standing in my way. Until that last few days. And what it really did was make me understanding my own vulnerability as a human. All of a sudden I'm not invincible.

So this "wake up call" of sorts has made me realize that my body is my shrine, and that I need to really nurture and take care of it. I am seeing that in the past I haven't always been as attentive to my own needs and therefore I see benefit in this whole experience. Not only am I understanding the importance of adhering to my own needs, but realizing the value in accepting nourishment from those around me.

NorthWest

Road trip through the Northwest...would explain why I haven't been writing. Back on Friday afternoon, definitely more to come when I return home. Love.

And yes, a fish was thrown at me...And yes, I did catch it. (the second time through).

LeeStrong

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been introduce to Alan Lee's story through his brother and friend of mine Russ Lee. From the first moment I was informed of their journey I understood the courage and determination within Alan to tackle testicular cancer. It has made me think much about life and death and how we as humans I feel are just players within this big game of existence.

I am interested and curious (in an imaginative way) what exactly it is like to receive the kind of news that just reinforces your mortality as an individual. It makes me afraid. I can admit that life completely fascinates me. I feel like I am living this vibrant and expansive path that feels so good inside.

I meet new people every day, exchange common interests, see myself individuating from my upbringing and really starting to form those components within me that really make me who I am. I am discovering my place in this world, but still realizing that all of us have our specified time and then we pass.

What I do love and find special about those moments of receiving seemingly terrifying news regarding mortality is that right then and there is an opportunity to live more fully. For if you aren't confronted with the potential or prospect of death, then where is the need to take full advantage of the day? I have found that is the way that I approach it.

We were born and placed on this earth to come and go. We weren't meant to live forever, yet at the same time we are so terrified at the prospect of death. Do you think those fears come from the internal realization that you in fact haven't taken advantage of each day, and that you have coursed through your years just going through the motions? Very possible.

But Alan Lee hasn't become afraid. If anything he has become a fighter, a warrior and has understood this opportunity not as an opening for negative emotions to surge in (which they do so easily), but has more thanked the world for each day he is given. When I met him, he marveled at the day. He took it in stride. And he approaches each one with a similar stride.

He has created a beautiful following: LeeStrong. A gift in my eyes to everyone and an ability to open an eye to the world around us and understand our mortality as humans and our chance now to REALLY LIVE.

the tools

As a requirement for participating in the Transpersonal Counseling Psychology program at Naropa, each student has to complete 30 hours of therapy on their own with a therapist of his/her choice. There are very few structural stipulations around it, but basically the hours have to be completed at some point over the 3 years.

I just finished my thirty hours with my therapist Alexandra, and I feel as though the person who I was when I first entered her office is very different from the person that I am now. She has given me the tools I feel are essential to living as expanded and fulfilled life as possible. She has allowed me perspective into my own life and forced me to take off the blinders that I had been wearing for so long.

I entered into her office rattled and shaken by 2008 and all that had happened, but was cloaked in this robe of pride and stoicism, with an inability to be truly authentic in my emotional experiences. I was afraid to admit to myself and her how deeply I was being impacted, because I wanted to be strong. But who was it that I was really being strong for? It didn't seem like I was necessarily being strong for myself because the whole thing felt relatively weakening.

Through many sessions of drawn out discussions, she noticed this in me, an inability to tell her EXACTLY how I was feeling. Until one day, it just started to happen, and I slowly began to open. For the firs time I wasn't afraid of being vulnerable, I wasn't hiding anymore behind feelings and wasn't pushing them to the side even as they were screaming for expression.

The tools I have been given are the beauty of authenticity, the power behind verbalizing what is going on inside, the courage to stay with even the scariest of experiences, and the heart to care for not just myself but those around me. She has given me perspectives and allowed me to be aware of my judgments and assumptions that I make. She has shown me that we as humans should never be ashamed of those assessments we make of others. For it isn't the judgments that are dangerous, it is merely how we let them control our behavior.

She really taught me not to be afraid. Not that I was afraid of the experiences, but I was more afraid of how they were going to hurt me. How they were going to limit me, but until I was able to really speak with Alexandra, she allowed me to see how these experiences were learning opportunities and portals for self expansion.

I feel humbled and appreciative for what I have learned, saddened but bright eyed for the tools I have been given and how I will use what I have now to equip me for all challenges and turns ahead.

always to blame

My brother allowed me to see a habitual pattern of mine that not only did I have no awareness of, but found myself avoiding and turning my back on it for a few moments. I have been feeling a little bit of pressure monetarily related, my rent has been increased and I am finally feeling the effects of this economy. About time right? :)

Here is the objectivity around money for me: there are pressures on me yes, but I am so aware that most of that anxiety that I feel around it is due to a weight that I put on myself. I have this vision of my treasure chest, and the kind of money I want to have in it.

I have been influenced by family members and friends, who have either been callous with money or over protective and I have personally been effected by both extremes. And I didn't understand the power that money had over me until I detached further from the financial HEAVEN of my father.

Money is not the point of this entry, it is an example of an opportunity for this habitual tendency of mine to surface yet again: when things go wrong in my life, I have a tendency to blame myself. For whatever the reason, and I don't understand it.
If there are bumps in my friendships, problems in romance, problems with family, I initially think..."did I do something wrong?" "Why am I feeling this way, I shouldn't be feeling this way."

This kind of mental version of ping pong can be a very lonely existence. I can be inside my body, feel relaxed and reassured, but feel like I have nobody. I don't even recognize myself almost, I look in the mirror and then I see a stranger. But I gain clarity around it, I learn not to judge the pain or the experience, but more allow it to be genuine in its presence.

I immediately question my actions...always second guess my behaviors. And I am not too sure where it comes from, but now I have so much awareness around it. And I am learning to understand when and where it pops up. I will have more updates regarding this particular new unfolding, but for right now...I just want to sit and watch it. Be curious about it. Don't be afraid of it. Invite it. Let it come.

fear in my town

I received a phone call from my mother yesterday, a distant and lost voice on the other end terrified me as I was aimlessly moving through the noisy restaurant trying to find quiet. She told me the story leaving out most details because she was nearing the end of her day and knew that I was with friends.

She at first didn't want to share it with me, but then felt she must for she didn't want me to discover the news regarding the tragic deaths of Athens' finest through CNN. Turns out a UGA professor opened fire at one of the local theater houses and killed his wife and two others as his two daughters waited in the car, unknowing of what was happening.

On receiving the news, I discovered that this tragedy is different from the others that I have experienced over the last year. While each individual circumstance maintains significant sadness and unanswerable questions, none of them occurred in my valley. Athens for me has never been the scene of the crime, and now my native heart and the hearts of my fellow Athenians are heavy.

Now there are police officers on the search for a man who committed a crime out of illogical passion. He was able to end of the life of his wife and mother of his children, because he was feeling out of control. And what I hate more than anything, is that the people who take pride in safety are having to think twice about how secure they do feel.

It is unknowable why people act violently to try and fill such a deep void. But I do know that my protective nature over my town and those who live there is very strong right now. I am feeling for everyone in Athens and can't believe that our town is suffering.

a year...and cake!

Unbelievable. I think about my year of 2008 and immediately I think of tragedy, I think of lessons, I think of pain and suffering, I think of anxiety, I think of sleepless nights, and appreciation for my breath...but today, I think of Katherine Arnold Wolf.

I think of the fact that it has been one year today since her life was turned upside down and rattled. She was shown the door to death and closed it. She told the world and herself that she was going to survive this and came as close as one can to passing on...

I remember that morning when I got the phone call at about 7:45am on my way to work. It was my mother and all she said was "Katherine Arnold has had a terrible brain accident. I don't know anything else, but she is in surgery and it doesn't look good." I remember my reaction...I was numb. I was almost jaded, as terrible as it sounds...but I had been confronted with so much sadness and tragedy that I couldn't really understand it. Life didn't seem normal anymore, life seemed fraught with danger and I felt boxed away from it.

I became obsessed with her mother's blog for a few months there after, and I was constantly checking for updates and new information on her condition. In June, I went to Los Angeles to visit her. And it was one of the most incredible wake up calls of my life. I remembered this woman from high school, vibrancy and energy seeping out of every pore of her skin, gregariousness and grace in her relationships...and I stared at her from the other side of the hospital room and swirled internally.

I went from seeing beauty queen, blonde bombshell, and diva...to courage, and stamina, resilience and power. I suddenly didn't see her externally anymore, I could really feel what came from inside of her. She looked at me, took my hand and said..."I am glad that you are here. Are you friends with me on facebook?" Hilarious, and I will never forget it.

One year later, I am still in awe. She can eat now. A feat beyond her wildest dreams, she is optimistic about the state of matters and has been able to sufficiently see the good to come out of this. Her ability to strive for fullness, in EVERY circumstance is seeping into me daily. She will not have to rely on a feeding tube for her nutrition, and I feel like this is one of many steps to further integrate her with the life that she once knew. Now it is a new beginning, and she wants cake. Cake with sprinkles. I'll eat to that. Katherine I love you and marvel at you.

a good lesson

As I'm sure all of you have already been introduced to Susan Boyle. Scottish vocalist extraordinare who has stunned the entire world with her magnificent talent. As I was sent yet another Youtube video, and clicking reluctantly on the link...I watched her walk up and probably had the exact same thoughts that everyone else had...

I found myself thinking...here is just another one of those aspiring singers who really has very little talent who is going to humor the world for three and a half minutes while the audience sits there quietly mocking. Additionally, I see a woman walk onto the stage, Susan Boyle who isn't particularly attractive, and she proceeds to explain to the three judges that she has wanted her entire life to be a professional singer but has never been given the chance.

I am now thinking...shocker. Here is a woman who is encroaching on 48 years old...who lives in a modest Scotland village with her cat Pebbles and who wants one day to be as famous as Elaine Paige. Immediately my judgment and assumptions about who she is and her level of talent overwhelm me, and I almost close down the internet window.

Until her voice came through. And I am telling you, it was one of the most incredible renditions of I Dreamed a Dream (already one of my favorite songs), and my heart was heavier after her performance. It was heavy for two reasons: that song has a potent and powerful way of reaching into my soul, and it made me understand and recognize my cynicism and judgmental nature.

I feel as though the entire world was given a wake up call that day. For Susan Boyle successfully stunned each and every person who witnessed her performance, and for the only reason of we all judged her appearance.

Myself included all categorized Susan Boyle into a category of mediocrity and yet underneath her appearance is a goddess. She is a truly humble woman who has a remarkable ear for song. She has enabled me to see clearly my own fallacies within the human experience.

I find myself thinking...how did I get to a point in my life where all it takes is a modest woman to walk on stage and express her aspirations for me to assume facets of her life, and assume her ability to perform? I don't think I was alone in my process.

And so here I thank Susan Boyle, for teaching me a powerful lesson. Looks do not at all predict the inner glory and beauty within a human being. Susan has forced me to look at my own struggles with making assumptions on others and for that I am grateful. We do ourselves the greatest disservice by proceeding through this life with the premise that we are better than others based on looks or any other superficial contribution.

Susan, I know you will shine. Thank you.

a new discovered power

Something I have understood about the human is that we have this incredible super power that we don't even realize. It is a super power that only I have recently discovered and I am proud to say that I use it when I need to. And that is if any kind of negatively charged emotion comes to the fore front of our mind and body, we don't actually have to acknowledge and deal with it at that one moment.

Here is a concept to consider: create a container for all of those emotions. You can visualize any kind of container that you wish. It really isn't anything but a space of your own to place those emotions whenever they rear their heads. And it is an opportunity for you to exercise your own power and in having control over them.

We have an impression that these emotions are so powerful and have a grip over us that we can't fathom, and honestly it is the opposite. We are the head of our own ships, and we have the ability to let in what we wish.

This thought is empowering for me. So one of my dearest friends of all time, and I have only recently met her since I started attending Naropa told me about her own container. And she visualizes a honey jar. Now any time an emotion that she doesn't want around (loneliness, sadness, anxiety) visits her, she places it in her honey jar. So that when it enters the honey jar, it gets stuck to the honey. And this exercise isn't an opportunity to throw it away and turn your back on it, it is an opportunity to give yourself a break.

I don't feel it is beneficial to turn your break on those emotions, for each one of them is an excellent teacher. I feel like when I am in those states of fear of my own emotions, I learn the most about who I am. I learn my strength and my weakness, I see my own abilities and fallacies. They are excellent about opening our eyes to our inner being.

Therefore, create a container. Allow yourself a break, and revisit those emotions when you feel you are ready. Because so much of the time they come when we don't expect them, and very rarely at those times do we feel equipped with adequate resources to tackle them. So...in essence, pull them out of the honey jar when you have rallied your team together and are ready to press forward and handle them authentically.

do i have the time?

It is amazing, I have found that in the last few months or so I have been tested by people around me in a very particular way. It is undeniable that my days are busy, and with that comes an element of impatience within myself. I see it surfacing through in my behaviors and the moment I notice it, a couple of things happen: I express it habitually without even thinking, or I get frustrated by it being there and spend more energy being annoyed by my impatience than being present in the moment.

It is interesting to me...people and myself included have this demand for having the day exactly as planned, according to schedule, and when deviations from this norm occur, it seems to completely uproot the system. Our wicks have become quite short, and we take out that anger/frustration over our deviated day on those who have no connection. It is a problem in my opinion that lies within.

But it is interesting to me how I have been this way for so long, gained such an awareness around it, and then have been able to watch and observe it from a step backward.

In nursing school, I feel like my life changed. Circumstances allowed me to gain an element of self awareness that was not present in my life previously, and the ability to look at myself in a whole new domain was encouraging for me. I started to really notice habits of mine, behaviors that were so embedded within my world of expectation that I didn't even see them for what they were. And with this point in my life came an embrace of my impatience.

It popped up in my life in so many areas, traffic moving too slowly and I would find myself frustrated because I couldn't get where I needed to go. And then passing by a horrible wreck and watching bodies being carried off in ambulances. There are those moments of perspective that should keep us all in check. But still, I wouldn't give my impatience two glances. I would acknowledge it, and let it pass through with no real desire to understand and change it.

Then after my life turning point, I began to watch it...at first I watched it very closely, for I was in this heightened state of anxiety and because my conscience had finally caught up with me, I was keeping a close eye on all of my actions, making sure that I was not hurting anybody or myself. And that time was difficult, because I was able to really turn my face to my impatience and saw that it was EVERYWHERE.

That hurt me deeply. I saw that my need for control and strict adherence to a schedule was pervading my ability to be happy. And since I moved to Boulder and begun attending Naropa, I have become soft on myself. I see my habits for what they are, and know that sometimes they are going to be there and will exist out of impulse. But they don't define me...I feel like we are all daily evolving (as I said in my very first blog)...and that the ability to be nurturing to our own fallacies is a key ingredient to being truly human.

before you can help someone...

You must know how they need to be helped.

I am learning so much about this and have been for the last few months. I have realized about myself that I am a "rescuer." In my friendships and familial interactions predominantly, I have found myself when seeing someone in need racing toward them to provide aid.

It is difficult for me to see people that I love in disarray or hurting, and it is even more difficult for me if I cannot help. There is this natural inclination within me to help. I feel it is a large reason that I went to nursing school, I am drawn to serving my community and the people around me. And I have always thrived on the feeling it gave me, to know and understand that me going out of my way, even minimally makes a difference in someone else's life. And that to me is contentment.

So in this need to help others and feeling a need to express energy in that direction, I feel like I fell short in a couple of areas. Knowing when to help, and knowing what kind of help to give.

Knowing when and when not to help is a key factor. Sometimes I had found myself offering assistance to people in the wrong time, giving too much and smothering the recipient. Knowing that I was smothering was difficult for me, because it was never my intention to create a negative charge. But it is easily possible to do when you are helping someone and not really understanding the dynamic around the situation. Additionally, interestingly enough the act of helping out another seems selfless but there have been times in my life where I have helped others for a personal benefit. And I feel comfortable in acknowledging that, because I know that for me at this point now, I don't help until it feels like it is in the recipient's best interest. I now have a keen awareness of my audience before I act. And that way, the act isn't self involved.

I also slipped into a trap of not knowing how to help. Or more specifically, I found myself helping others in ways that I would want to be helped. And it is a beautiful thing to be able to accurately examine who you are helping and their inner dynamic. I have discovered that everyone receives help differently and prefers a unique blend of assistance.

To me that is the real rescuer. Someone who is there in a time of need, someone who can see when it is appropriate to give help, and someone who can gage what kind of aid to offer. These components make it real.

how do i identify?

I do apologize for having not written, my life has been twisted quite a bit the last week. I know all of you understand.

I think about this topic a lot. I am so fascinated by the premise of identity, that so much of my time over this last year and a half has been in exploring and understanding who and what I identify as.

I think about all of the people in the world, trying to understand how all of these influences in life can mold and alter our sense of identity. And for me I sometimes look at people who are close to me, family members and friends, who find themselves woven into this pattern of the expected identities. At certain ages, I should identify as this, when I have children, I now identify as this, when I retire, I identify myself as this...and we as a collective then miss the part about spontaneous experience.

It is scary to watch people who do begin to identify themselves as certain things. A dear friend of mine, found herself at the end of 25 years of child rearing and she was terrified. She had identified herself as a mother for years and all of a sudden didn't know how to live her own life.

She didn't know how to begin her day without the responsibility of children, she didn't know how to spend her mental energy without the preoccupation of making sure her children were well nurtured, and she didn't know how to fall asleep knowing that all of her babies were safe and sound. It is incredible, how she who once was a woman who had the world at her fingertips, wanting to take the most from her day, learn the tools of life, see the sights of the world, and needing rich experiences...to someone who didn't know how to get through the day.

I can see myself at this point in my life right now...and I identify myself as many things: I am a student, an athlete, a sister, a friend, a girlfriend, an explorer, a seeker...all of these things, I identify as. And I have had conversations with people, who identify themselves as a father, or a mother, or a girlfriend. That is such a common one with many woman my age, they identify as a partner. And sometimes with that I feel like personal interest and authenticity fall by the wayside.

I want to live my life to the fullest. I don't want to identify myself as one thing, mainly because I don't think I am just one thing. Even into my old age, I want to defy all of the societal expectations of how I should be living my life at all of these points. I want to keep my interest in the world and other people. I want to end my day knowing that it was lived. I mean really lived.

Don't just identify yourself as one thing, reach inside and understand what makes you authentic. Use that information and apply it to the world. Even though all of these identities that I have mentioned are valuable in their own right, they shouldn't be all that you are. Be as much as you can be.