pushing through pain

Example of pain for me: running on pavement. There is nothing for me like running on pavement that will send pain through my body. It more so than really anything else (except filing...but that is more of an emotional pain that physical) will send me in physical distress.

So when the Bolder Boulder (a hometown 10K tradition that is about 30 years old) came around this Memorial Day, I found myself so eager and excited to run that I completely forgot that my knees don't necessarily love it as much.

So about 10 minutes into the race, I began to hurt so badly. And it was a pain that was shooting in my knees that felt so deep that I almost had to quit. But didn't. And I thought about this throughout the entire race..."Why is it that I am continuing to run through this pain?" I thought to myself all of the reasons why and came up with a pretty minimal list: competition with myself, determination to not quit, habitual pattern to push myself beyond my capabilities, and unfamiliarity with my own boundaries.

All of the reasons that I came up with weren't necessarily pleasant to confront. But through the entire race, I was able to understand and acknowledge that I push myself through pain more than I would like to admit.

I realize that I am scared of deviations from my mainstream norm, I don't want to disrupt my own schedule and routine. I have guarded myself from feeling these kinds of anxieties surrounding this for so long and now finally I am encouraged and motivated to face them.

It isn't comfortable knowing however that for a majority of my life I have self guarded. I have prevented myself from being scared of realities, and have limited my own capability as a human because of it. I see now in myself an obligation to not push through the pain anymore. Don't run because you are scared. Stop because you are strong.

if you never voice it

I have found myself both in friendship and romantic relationships getting frustrated at times for feeling distanced, or annoyed...And I have watched a progression of sorts that repeats itself in the exact same manner each time, and only now am I gaining awareness around it to understand how and why it is happening.

I find myself for one reason or another having a particular need that isn't being met. Whether it be lack of communication, emotional distance, personality quirks...whatever it may be, there are these streams of time when I will feel annoyed.

Now I see that I feel annoyed and find myself not saying anything to the other person about it. Most of the reason for this is, I find myself, especially now really picking and choosing my battles. The element of perspective in my life has been a key component in the past year, and I have been very conscious of what I choose to bring and not bring to the table.

However, I have found that in relationship, the other person will NEVER know that I am feeling these things if I never voice them. So the progression naturally travels as: I get frustrated or annoyed, bottle it up for a period of time, find it effecting the way that I interact with the other person, and get even more frustrated as to why things aren't changing.

I have seen that I expect people to read minds in a way. I just want the other person to understand my inner workings and know that I am frustrated (despite me saying anything or outwardly expressing it). So here I am with this new gained awareness of my habitual cycle and am eager to put the knowledge to the test.

From now on in both friendship and romance, when I am feeling any kind of emotion, I will voice it. That will facilitate open and clear communication and will allow myself and the other person to coexist more fluidly together as relational beings.

And I'm Back!

Just returned back to Boulder from an incredible road trip through the Pacific Northwest. I was able to spend the first three days in Seattle with my boyfriend and then my parents who were en route to a medical conference in Vancouver met me and we explored the Oregon and Washington states for a week. Despite the rain, I recommend it. However, the rain is what makes the landscape so lush and beautiful, so I guess we have to pick and choose our battles here. Which brings me to this post...

I came down with a pretty nasty infection halfway through the time with my parents and was confronted with a pretty surprising and severe alert from my body that things were not right. On one night, I was kept awake through to the next morning by chattering teeth and chills that were unshakable. I was unnerved by this, and trying to get out of bed was almost impossible due to this excruciating pain in my back. I got up, and immediately started sweating all over...

My dad started doing compressions on my back to test tenderness, and with a yelp from me he called in a round of antibiotics...kidney infection. I had pretty much confirmed that...

For the next few days, I was preoccupied. I was scared that my body could within such a short period of time almost become an enemy of sorts, it was fighting me and demanding an attention that I don't usually give it. I was uneasy over the prospect of not being in pristine health and realized that I take all of that for granted every day.

I never even think about the fact that every morning I wake up and am bounding out of bed, ready to see the world and the people in it, learn new things, and never consider my health standing in my way. Until that last few days. And what it really did was make me understanding my own vulnerability as a human. All of a sudden I'm not invincible.

So this "wake up call" of sorts has made me realize that my body is my shrine, and that I need to really nurture and take care of it. I am seeing that in the past I haven't always been as attentive to my own needs and therefore I see benefit in this whole experience. Not only am I understanding the importance of adhering to my own needs, but realizing the value in accepting nourishment from those around me.

NorthWest

Road trip through the Northwest...would explain why I haven't been writing. Back on Friday afternoon, definitely more to come when I return home. Love.

And yes, a fish was thrown at me...And yes, I did catch it. (the second time through).

LeeStrong

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been introduce to Alan Lee's story through his brother and friend of mine Russ Lee. From the first moment I was informed of their journey I understood the courage and determination within Alan to tackle testicular cancer. It has made me think much about life and death and how we as humans I feel are just players within this big game of existence.

I am interested and curious (in an imaginative way) what exactly it is like to receive the kind of news that just reinforces your mortality as an individual. It makes me afraid. I can admit that life completely fascinates me. I feel like I am living this vibrant and expansive path that feels so good inside.

I meet new people every day, exchange common interests, see myself individuating from my upbringing and really starting to form those components within me that really make me who I am. I am discovering my place in this world, but still realizing that all of us have our specified time and then we pass.

What I do love and find special about those moments of receiving seemingly terrifying news regarding mortality is that right then and there is an opportunity to live more fully. For if you aren't confronted with the potential or prospect of death, then where is the need to take full advantage of the day? I have found that is the way that I approach it.

We were born and placed on this earth to come and go. We weren't meant to live forever, yet at the same time we are so terrified at the prospect of death. Do you think those fears come from the internal realization that you in fact haven't taken advantage of each day, and that you have coursed through your years just going through the motions? Very possible.

But Alan Lee hasn't become afraid. If anything he has become a fighter, a warrior and has understood this opportunity not as an opening for negative emotions to surge in (which they do so easily), but has more thanked the world for each day he is given. When I met him, he marveled at the day. He took it in stride. And he approaches each one with a similar stride.

He has created a beautiful following: LeeStrong. A gift in my eyes to everyone and an ability to open an eye to the world around us and understand our mortality as humans and our chance now to REALLY LIVE.

the tools

As a requirement for participating in the Transpersonal Counseling Psychology program at Naropa, each student has to complete 30 hours of therapy on their own with a therapist of his/her choice. There are very few structural stipulations around it, but basically the hours have to be completed at some point over the 3 years.

I just finished my thirty hours with my therapist Alexandra, and I feel as though the person who I was when I first entered her office is very different from the person that I am now. She has given me the tools I feel are essential to living as expanded and fulfilled life as possible. She has allowed me perspective into my own life and forced me to take off the blinders that I had been wearing for so long.

I entered into her office rattled and shaken by 2008 and all that had happened, but was cloaked in this robe of pride and stoicism, with an inability to be truly authentic in my emotional experiences. I was afraid to admit to myself and her how deeply I was being impacted, because I wanted to be strong. But who was it that I was really being strong for? It didn't seem like I was necessarily being strong for myself because the whole thing felt relatively weakening.

Through many sessions of drawn out discussions, she noticed this in me, an inability to tell her EXACTLY how I was feeling. Until one day, it just started to happen, and I slowly began to open. For the firs time I wasn't afraid of being vulnerable, I wasn't hiding anymore behind feelings and wasn't pushing them to the side even as they were screaming for expression.

The tools I have been given are the beauty of authenticity, the power behind verbalizing what is going on inside, the courage to stay with even the scariest of experiences, and the heart to care for not just myself but those around me. She has given me perspectives and allowed me to be aware of my judgments and assumptions that I make. She has shown me that we as humans should never be ashamed of those assessments we make of others. For it isn't the judgments that are dangerous, it is merely how we let them control our behavior.

She really taught me not to be afraid. Not that I was afraid of the experiences, but I was more afraid of how they were going to hurt me. How they were going to limit me, but until I was able to really speak with Alexandra, she allowed me to see how these experiences were learning opportunities and portals for self expansion.

I feel humbled and appreciative for what I have learned, saddened but bright eyed for the tools I have been given and how I will use what I have now to equip me for all challenges and turns ahead.