the tools

As a requirement for participating in the Transpersonal Counseling Psychology program at Naropa, each student has to complete 30 hours of therapy on their own with a therapist of his/her choice. There are very few structural stipulations around it, but basically the hours have to be completed at some point over the 3 years.

I just finished my thirty hours with my therapist Alexandra, and I feel as though the person who I was when I first entered her office is very different from the person that I am now. She has given me the tools I feel are essential to living as expanded and fulfilled life as possible. She has allowed me perspective into my own life and forced me to take off the blinders that I had been wearing for so long.

I entered into her office rattled and shaken by 2008 and all that had happened, but was cloaked in this robe of pride and stoicism, with an inability to be truly authentic in my emotional experiences. I was afraid to admit to myself and her how deeply I was being impacted, because I wanted to be strong. But who was it that I was really being strong for? It didn't seem like I was necessarily being strong for myself because the whole thing felt relatively weakening.

Through many sessions of drawn out discussions, she noticed this in me, an inability to tell her EXACTLY how I was feeling. Until one day, it just started to happen, and I slowly began to open. For the firs time I wasn't afraid of being vulnerable, I wasn't hiding anymore behind feelings and wasn't pushing them to the side even as they were screaming for expression.

The tools I have been given are the beauty of authenticity, the power behind verbalizing what is going on inside, the courage to stay with even the scariest of experiences, and the heart to care for not just myself but those around me. She has given me perspectives and allowed me to be aware of my judgments and assumptions that I make. She has shown me that we as humans should never be ashamed of those assessments we make of others. For it isn't the judgments that are dangerous, it is merely how we let them control our behavior.

She really taught me not to be afraid. Not that I was afraid of the experiences, but I was more afraid of how they were going to hurt me. How they were going to limit me, but until I was able to really speak with Alexandra, she allowed me to see how these experiences were learning opportunities and portals for self expansion.

I feel humbled and appreciative for what I have learned, saddened but bright eyed for the tools I have been given and how I will use what I have now to equip me for all challenges and turns ahead.