to the solstice

There are few people in this world who are able to be who they are in all essence: pride for personal accomplishment, recognition of weakness, humbleness with the world, victim of love's storm, and a relentless heart.

Adam Simon is this. A man who I met three weeks before his move from Boulder to New Haven has allowed me to become opened to my truest internal working. He and I have formed a bond that seems almost indescribable in words. I will try my hardest to articulate what he means to me, but sometimes silence says more.

Here I am. At a frisbee tournament, not entirely sure of the impact that meeting Adam would have on me. Through superficial conversation and various social gatherings, Adam's demeanor and individuality stood out. In my first impression he came to me with genuine conversation, eager to understand me and my life. Through our couple of weeks together, the realization of this gem of a man was in front of me.

Music is where we draw a lot of commonality. He puts an incredible amount of energy into his music and appreciates every moment of it. In our last few days in Boulder together, we recorded two songs together. Those two songs I draw on nearly daily for they remind me of synchronicity between two people. There his voice is whenever I need it. And it brings me comfort like little else does.

A beautifully eloquent man in his writings of letters and songs, Adam expresses want and hurt and love through his words. A fellow lover of solstices, he and I share more than just a longing for more sunlight in the day.

This man listens. At 3am when I call crying because I have had my heart divided, he is there for me. No questions asked. No thought in my mind that I am inconveniencing him. He has a power in my life that he doesn't even realize.

He is my sunrise. In the morning, there are people that I think of. People who have expanded me, enlightened me, humored me, taught me, and loved me. Adam is high on this list. He is someone who I will grow old with. I appreciate him every morning when I see the beautiful sun paint its light pink hue on the flatirons in Boulder. He is there with me as I am blinded by the sun glistening in the snow. He is my coming home.

He knows my heart and he understands my love of the day. He knows who he is, and teaches me every day to know myself more. For you Adam, I am grateful. Thank you for your undeniable friendship. You are a light in my life and I love you dearly. Keep your head toward the sun and follow it through the day. As the months pass, the sunlight will shine longer. And...always choose a room facing east.

a time to reflect

So here as promised is my blog a little while later after the heightened state of emotion has returned to baseline. I have thought so much about my experience over the last week and how it is impacting and changing me.

I realize after re-reading my last couple of blogs that I was experiencing such immense shame and doubt over my behavior that my words didn't express much other than that. I apologize for it, because there were other emotions circling in my mind. The morning after I wrote, my mother and I went to a friend's house for breakfast. It was difficult for me participating in all of these functions for the time that my mother was in Boulder because I felt as though our friendship had turned inside out. I felt like I was walking on egg shells but didn't want to be. I felt like I needed to judge myself and then ashamed that I would. I felt like I couldn't be carefree with her and joke around because I was behaving like a toddler. I didn't know who I was, and therefore was having such a difficult time relating to the people around me.

But as we arrived at this breakfast, I was speaking to the hostess as my mother was outside, and she was listening closely to my story and what I had to say. She told me something important initially and that was (not exact quote) "I hear your shame and doubt, and I see that you are going over in your mind how unfathomable it is to be back at square one. But I want you to replace those two emotions with gratefulness. Now is the moment to be truly thankful that you are so young and learning this lesson."

And how right she is. For the first time in my life, I found myself not marinating in the negative of how I was feeling because of my actions. I was finding it all but impossible to separate my behavior from who I was as a person. And all I could see in my view was how horribly I had acted, and how that made me feel. When instead, I feel as though it came at a critical time to examine the behavior, separate it from who Greer Van Dyck is at the core, and be thankful that from that point on, I would bloom into a new kind of flower.

So here I am right now. Able to reflect on those many emotions I was experiencing all at once during the week, speak again to my mother, come to a beautiful place with her, and really appreciate where I am now versus seven days ago. It is truly remarkable how within one shell I can change into so many things. I feel like my transformation and evolution is occurring daily. I said it in my first blog, every day is a lesson. But through that, it is critical to be one thing: grateful.

the new replacement

I have to revise this post because I feel I have done myself a disservice by choosing to share and detail this oh so recent circumstance. My intense emotional state tainted this blog, but instead of deleting it and starting over, I feel as though it is important to communicate how I was feeling at a heightened state. However, I am eager to tell you that in a few days, I will write again on this experience...and then I will feel like I will truly be able to provide a genuine and calmer expression.
Out with the old, in with the revised, and at the moment treading water. I find myself at an interesting crossroads (shocker I know, it seems like I've come to about 2000000 crossroads in the last fifteen minutes). This one feels interestingly different though in the sense that there is familiarity. I left my floral landmark at this one crossroads two years ago, and I am upon it now and recognizing those flowers that I had placed so carefully on the bifurcation.

It is an odd reality feeling that I are now back where I had been once, with the intention of never being back. It doesn't feel like I am taking one step forward and two steps back, because even though it is the same demon, it has a different face. And for that, I am easy on myself.

Lying, cheating, manipulating, plotting, scaming...they all reside under a big veil of fear. To me it is almost a fear of not being okay in my own skin. It is a clear avoidance of being truly who I am, because there is a shell of disquietude. I broke through my shell of anxiety around cheating because that is the face my fear chose.

This time around, it seeped into my monetary livelihood. After being detached financially from my father (well for the most part), I took my relationship with money to a damaging extreme. I was so inclined to SAVE SAVE SAVE just because of being witness to poor behavior of excessive spending. I saw what debt did to people I loved. And in an attempt to never let that happen to me, I drove myself to the far other end of the continuum.

I was so far at the other end, that I would do ANYTHING (manipulate my loving family, lie to my mother's face whom I cherish to my last breath) to "keep a handle on my own war chest." I justified my behavior and took it as a survival mechanism, and that "if I was saving in the end, then it was good."

Well here I am now, coming to this oh so familiar crossroads and thinking...I am ashamed. I am guilty. I am a liar. So many emotions that I had marinated in during nursing school with my cheating loomed above me like a threatening storm. And instead of spending my precious time here on earth to relive that cycle, I am turning my shame and guilt into gratefulness. I am utterly grateful that I am 23 and learning this lesson for good. I am slowly beginning my journey to becoming genuinely selfless, but in order to be that...I had to have learned this lesson. I want to give what I have and more without concern. So I am embarking now, choosing again the high road at this oh so familiar turning point.

an hour of shame

AT this one moment in time, I feel like a monster. I don't feel like a human in a way. An issue that I have really made an attempt to patch up in my life has really made its way back into my world and is standing at the forefront of my attention. I thought for two years that I had reached a point in my life where I was not in need any longer of lying to get "where I needed to go." I thought that there would never be another opportunity in my life where I would have to question my actions, feel that same sense of guilt that encompassed my being for so long.

And here I am. I feel like I am standing again at the lowest level of the staircase after having climbed and climbed for so long, only to look around me and see that I had made no progress at all. That I may as well have only just begun. That is how I feel at at least. Now I know in the depth of my heart that I'm not there. I know that what has happened is that I have come to the top of a very important staircase, and I know that upon completion of that flight I came to the footing of another very important flight of steps. And that is where I stand. If I look at my immediate surroundings, of course it appears as though I am at the bottom. It looks like I haven't even begun my journey when in fact I have jumped through the biggest loophole.

This next loophole may not be as big, but it is surrounded by fire. And its ability to burn and sting is much greater, and I feel much more intimidated.

Today I lied to my mother. I used my cunning abilities to avoid paying for my Christmas gifts. I pulled out the same tricks in my bag to avoid a fear. I was deviant and looking behind my shoulder, with anxiety and superstition looming above me. I took her for granted, I took advantage of her generous bounty. I took the good names of my mother and father and used them for my own selfish reasons. And here I stand on the edge of the cliff, looking down on the layers that I continuously shed from my shell.

After a conversation and a complete surrender, I find myself right now having learned such an ultimate lesson. That no matter who we think we are, and no matter how far we think we've come, we are able to trip and fall. We are able to surrender to the forces of the world. We are able to hurt those people in our world who are closest to us. I would give my life for my mother, I would take a bullet for her, and yet I am still able to hurt her in such a profound way. These realities are shocking and above all else intensifying very familiar feelings of shame and guilt.

However, the lesson is learned. And this will never happen again. So while I feel broken and a bit like I must relearn how to fly, I find myself afraid to step outside of my house and live as the newest version of myself. With that fear though I will step, and with those steps I will not hang my head.

to each bag his own

Everyone has their own grocery bag of issues which can manifest as a paper bag without handles, a paper bag with handles, a plastic bag, or the new and ever so trendy re-usable version. They come in many forms and in many displays. There isn't one person who doesn't have them. I feel like the only opportunity one would take in saying they don't exist on an internal level is due to lack of self awareness.

And interestingly enough, I see these sometimes as faults in other people. I think of them negatively and when they are manifested in other people, I turn my nose up at them. And usually what will happen is I will see these things, and really internalize them. I will let them build and at that one moment where I feel the water is about to boil over the top of the pot, I will release it. But this is where I think that the problem arises: when I do feel the need to release it, it is very seldom to that person. It is usually to a confidant, someone else that I can trust with that information. But what am I really saying when I am releasing it?

I am judging it and labeling it. I am really expressing frustration for someone being nothing more than different from me. And the thing is I know I have these discrepencies, or grocery bags of issues too, so where do I find the right to act as though I am above it?

In this last instance, I have seen that I feel an enormous amount of perspective is really critical here. For we cannot judge something in someone else that we have within us as well. It isn't fair to be hypocritical. So here I am right now, having the opportunity to find the best balance for myself in handling my own and others' "bag of individuality."

I see myself here thinking about what is at the heart of human interaction. Each involvement that I have with someone allows me more and more insight into who they are at the core. And with that comes knowledge and wonder and excitement. And I come to the conclusion that: at the end of the day, everybody has their own bag. In my opinion, they are what make someone unique, so instead of judging and labeling them, I will take that negativity and transform it into something more beneficial. For me it isn't a matter of whether or not those elements are going to exist in someone else, for me it is about how I use them in my daily life that will be of benefit. And see these faults more of as treasures, for without them...there would be no adventure in interaction.

my confirmation #

Life it isn't the same as going to the check in gate at the airport, typing in your confirmation number and having that security of knowing that all details related to your flight are going to fall into place. I feel like that one moment when my boarding ticket gets printed, there are no more fears related to me having actually scheduled my trip for a different day, a different time, or a different city.

Relationships, both romantic and friendly are more complex and dynamic like that. It is interesting because romantically speaking, I don't find myself necessarily needing that validation that the other person is there for me. I have felt this sense of calm relating to romance that what will happen will happen, and that my desire to control and understand all facets is a waste of energy. But I think so much of that is due to the fact that I have never truly had my heart broken. I have been side swiped (read two blogs ago), many times...but I don't think those emotions really come close to the feelings of having your heart truly split down the middle. That disbelief that your heart all of a sudden doesn't seem like part of your body.

With friendships though things are different for me now. And they have been different since the beginning of this year. I have realized why as well. I know that because of my experiences, I have understood and lived what it feels like to have friends taken from me in one fell swoop without me having an opportunity to say goodbye or question why. I feel like with my friendships and lives lost, I have been completely victim to the unpredictability of life and its beneficial but also detrimental power.

I have met incredible women and men through school and around my life in Boulder. And every day I feel privileged to be in the company of individuals who enlighten and expand me, make me break down with laughter, make me feel connected, make me ask those unanswerable questions, and make me feel human. And I am scared that one day they will be taken from me too.

But I cannot live this way, my mom used to reverberate this phrase "don't live afraid, just live smart." So here we go: this is one of the brilliant turning point moments where I can take those valuable sprouts of wisdom and incorporate them into my behavior. So I will cherish my friendship but not be paranoid that I will lose them, not be eager for confirmation of their authenticity. I know that I have nothing to be insecure about, and so I don't need a confirmation number here.

its not what you're like, but what you like that counts

A phrase that sums up relationships right? There is a friend of mine lives in NY. And we have been emailing back and forth for a few months, and the topic of relationships came up.

And through his emailing me, he and I had been discussing this premise that in relationship, that connection is the desire. And that is true for me, I feel like I am picking my companion based on these feelings of synchronicity. But it is also something to be wary of, because presence of that connection doesn't necessarily lead to romance. Therefore, it is vital that the connection be examined for what it is. There are friendly soul mates and romantic soul mates.

But more importantly back to the title of the blog, its not what you're like, but what you like that counts. My friend in particular is really hard on himself regarding his own life's choices relating to past relationships. He isn't proud of who he is on the inside, which is so much what makes it difficult for him to open up and be vulnerable to women. He is afraid that when they finally see who he is on the inside, they will lose interest. And for me, I feel as though it is both important to see and understand what you're like and what you like in relationship.

In order for you to really understand what you want in this life, and specifically in relationship, you must see your inner working working. You must be able to respect your inner complexity and your neuroses. It is essential in order for us as humans to understand what we appreciate and value in our companion.

I feel like I am slowly learning to be opened to what I like in others that counts. What it is that I long for out of relationship. Is that connection that important to me or is it something that I have placed on this un-necessary throne? Is it something that has been pumped into me as being the ultimate goal in relationship? I feel like now is the time when I am searching the validity of the word "connection." Is it stimulated by an event between two people, is it a product of shared experience, is it simply there from the very beginning with no words spoken, or does it develop over years of shared time?

As of right now, I stand here. I want connection in my romantic companion. I want my partner to be someone that I would be elated to spend the rest of my life with. I feel this way because I have experienced it. I have felt those indescribable moments where there is nothing to say, but I know with confidence that it is felt for me too. So here I am.

I disagree with this statement, I don't feel like one part of it is more important than the other, I feel like they both work hand in hand in making our "relationship with relationship" as expansive as possible.

a divided heart

My heart was divided yesterday. Divided by a man that I hardly even know. This division of the heart wasn't a crushing of it, but it was more than anything a separation of two halves. I met him a couple of weeks ago, quite a chance encounter. And through our initial meeting, I felt a connection. But I even mentioned this to friends of mine and communicated to them that no matter what...even if this spans no further than a friendship in the end, there is a bond. Something that I feel and I know he did too. And I was genuine in saying that I wouldn't be saddened if it didn't happen romantically for the two of us, because I am content in the fact that those unspoken kindred attachments are beyond sexual. They are a partnership for me. A counterpart.

This is an unexplainable feeling inside when you feel this soul connecting bond. There are no words, and to me I know in my heart that this feeling is too good for words. It blows words out of the water in that it permeates every inch of the soul and body. It gets into your bloodstream, you inhale it, it is felt beyond every sense. And before this point, I had only felt it once before in my life. Truly felt it. I was a junior in high school, and it was an unraveling of my heart. I felt as though I was a tight knit ball of yarn that was slowly being just pulled apart. In a beautifully wonderful and terrifying way.

Those connections to me stimulate the butterflies in my stomach to take full flight. They illuminate my mind and body in a giddy sense of being almost to where I am not walking, I am floating. And the more beautiful part of all of this isn't necessarily what I feel inside alone, but it is that acknowledgment from that other person who feels the same way and is floating with you. And for those periods of time of true connection with one another, nothing else exists.

Between two people, there are those silent expressions of affection. Words don't do it justice. There are the forehead to forehead silences, intensely tight hugs, brushes of cheek to cheek, a harmonious song played through the two minds. A simple eye glance expresses a world of feeling. Racing hearts and internal implosion. This song is what it feels like for me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYlHA2J0Bho.

These chance encounters are beautiful. They are intense in their processes and are so passionate and filled with beauty. This is what love is to me. That connection. It is beyond physical or needing to be physical. It isn't even that you and this other person are living in parallel, it is more like they are living in you. And you in them. The need for sexual intimacy almost doesn't exist in the beginning, because there is too much else to be preoccupied by. You are so infatuated by that feeling of energy.

It is glorious when those connections are discovered. It is difficult when the other person acknowledges them, but behaves in a "practical" manner, doing what is honorable to a previous ingrained relationship. I am respectful, but yet my heart is still divided. So I have hope that those connections exist and will continue on my path of exploration of this world. I wouldn't take that experience back for anything in this world.

synchronicity

I have made a great new friend and is he in my program at school, but we have always kind of existed on the periphery of each other's lives, without really diving deeply into each others worlds. It has been interesting, and I love these kinds of friendships. For months, the two of us would kind of observe and admire one another, always deeply interested in what the other was thinking or doing at any given moment, or wondering what the other person's life consisted of outside of school.

Anyway, finally we decided to take the plunge and actually have a real full on conversation outside of school. It was huge. And it became confirmed why I am so intrigued by this person. He really is fantastic.

But we started getting on the topic of synchronistic experiences. And I really didn't understand what he meant by them, but after us dissecting what they were, I realized that so much of my life in the past few years has been filled with them.

Most profoundly have been the events after nursing school and before naropa university and everything in between. I realize that the string of processes that I went through in order to get to where I am today are touching for me because I feel like there were so many stepping stones.

Because I didn't pass my nursing board each time, I was forced after that last and arduous time of it to really take an opportunity to look inward. I was exhausted and truly disinterested in "overwhelming this one with hard work." It just was beginning to feel like there were things in my life for me other than nursing. All of a sudden, my contribution to society wasn't going to be at the bedside. And I was terrified of that. But this was my opportunity to do one of two things: I could have allowed myself to be terrified and feel it, or I could have tried with all of my might to avoid feeling it and make my place at the beside. I chose the former. So there was my first part in this synchronistic experience. I let life lead me.

And then I had my two roommates last year who did their undergrad at Naropa. And these are two of the most fantastic women I've ever met. So full of heart and spirit. And they introduced me to what Naropa taught them. And I didn't realize it at the time, but I was hooked. Hooked on the opportunity there for me to be expanded.

So I was looking on the internet a few months back, and stumbled on the program that I am now in. And in the description of what the Transpersonal Counseling Psychology degree, I felt that it was right. It was exactly what I was looking for. It found me. So a month or so after that I was having lunch with a friend, who was helping me sort out the dilemma of applying or not. It was a matter of having to potentially hae to take three prerequisites over the summer. Not enthusiastic about that. But she told me to try it, what was the worst that could happen? I listened. Two weeks later, I was in.

Synchronistic experiences are doubled sided. They are those developments in our lives that place experiences, people, etc in our path and it is just a question of what we do with those opportunities. I don't see it as coincidence, I see it as an element of fate. Not necessarily that someone of a higher power was leading me to Naropa, but through life...Naropa found me. And he I am, in a position that I never thought I would be in. So we must listen to what is placed in front of us, see and understand it, be open and willing to it, embrace it. I am thankful every day now that I was these things, because without it, I may still be trying to force a path on myself for someone else's sake.

projections

There are so many things that I am learning around the idea of projections. I am discovering how much of my (and our) behavior is really controlled by projections. I am seeing how they limit my own interaction with others and myself. I am really finding which are truest to me and which are merely a result of external influence. And lastly, I am really being humbled by their presence and curious of their complexity.

I am seeing right now that from the moment we are born, there are influences that are coming from society, parents, friends, etc. And those influences are stimulating humans to form "interjections" which are otherwise known as internalized stories, tapes, whatever you want to call them. But these stories are internalized messages that we take with us everywhere, these impressions of how we believe certain types of people are, what experiences are going to be, what the world is comprised of. And I have seen that throughout my childhood and adulthood, my behavior has been...in part due to these internalized messages that I have carried along with me. And so much of what these projections stem off of is experience. So for example say that I have a really bad experience at Starbucks (why would I be in Starbucks in the first place? GO LOCAL!). My internalized message then would be that all Starbucks will produce a negative experience, so I will just avoid them on the general.

This is an example where my projections on people, environments, and experiences can prove to be limiting. Unfortunately, I know that I have surrendered to my projections but now feel as though I am at an advantage because there is now an awareness of how pervasive they are, and more importantly that they don't need to be.

I reflect though and I see that so much negativity that I had projected onto other people, or kinds of people I should say would therefore prevent me from having an enriched experience, because my own manifestation of surrendering to my projections is avoidance. In the past, if I feel negatively about a certain environment, I would have avoided it completely.

So here is where an interesting juncture comes in my development. Since my awareness of these projections and their strength is in the forefront of my mind, now is the time to really discriminate between what is exclusively a product of influence, and what is at the heart of me. And for me that deserves introspection and an opportunity to allow moments arise where projections surface. And then from there determine how to behave in a manner that is truest for Greer. I feel as though these projections are worth engaging. I feel as though the pulling apart genuine versus enforced will really allow an individual to reach a deeper level of authenticity.

loosening the reigns

I have been struggling with this control issue for a little while, and I feel as though I've talked about it throughout some of my blogs. And there are two main areas in which my need for control is the most profound: exercise and money.

There it is. Something that I have been so afraid to admit to for so long, but there it is staring at me in the face. Well it is staring at me through cyber space. But never the less, here are two areas where I feel pressured. Pressured by structure that I place on myself, I make rules for myself...it is interesting how it has gotten to the point that it has without me having such an awareness of it.

Well it isn't so much that I didn't have an awareness of it, but it was more of I didn't have an awareness of how much it was impacting me. It was almost as if the water level had reached to my nose and I didn't even know the water was rising. Not really that exaggerated because I can still breathe :-) but interestingly enough, the metaphor fits.

But here I am now, and I am so deeply aware of how these habitual patterns of mine have gotten me to this point. And that is really where it is rooted. We are influenced by so many factors: parents, friends, society, institutions that all plant these seeds in our mind of what it means to live a structured life.

And since my life before these cycles started wasn't necessarily as structured other than the influence of my parents and the rules they placed on me, I was a little bit lost as to where I should start. And then it isn't a few years down the road that I realize my life is a big pattern.

A pattern of structure and pressure that I put on myself (mainly in just the two areas listed above). But in those two areas, it is pervasive enough that I want to change this behavior in all areas. I want my life to be structured of course, but I want there to be the opportunity to let my wings fly. For me to live. And really live.

The structure I feel is good and bad. It allows me to know my limitations and understand my boundaries, but then again I feel as though it places un necessary boundaries around me and my abilities. It places stress on my body and mind that isn't deserved. I long to feel a more vivid sense of freedom in these two areas. And I know that with awareness comes opportunity for change.

So I will be patient with the process, and know that with time my wings will span and I will soar.

the world of feminism

I attended this fantastic live showing of a tv show that is in the process of broadcasting 6 pilot episodes with the ope and dream that hey will one day be part of mainstream television. Well, I went with one of my newest and dearest friends and our night consisted of remarkably good Thai cuisine, this live broadcast, and then wonderful wine and dessert. But I was reflecting on what was my favorite part of the show, and there was an interview portion of the hour long program where the host, Stuart Davis (google him...he's fantastic) actually brought his two daughters' godmothers to answer questions. And these two women, from the moment they walked up on the stage, resonated wisdom and knowledge.

So the topic of last night's discussion was Feminism. And really what Stuart Davis was hoping to get from these women was the role that feminism plays in each of us. He was discussing his own role in teaching his two daughters their place in this world and how to keep them from surrendering to the influences that society has placed on both men and women.

But the part that I loved the most was an opinion that there should be much more emphasis on teaching the importance of the realization to young women that there should be no reason to surrender in any form. There should be no point in a woman's life where she should ever feel as though succumbing to what men, society, and institutions desire is acceptable. One of the god mothers was so confident in her believing that every woman, no matter what age, has the power to say no. And that really got into me. I was reflecting while I was listening to these interviews and realizing that from a young age, I was shown how powerful I was as a woman. And I truly didn't realize how critical that upbringing was until I was seated in this audience and listening. Because it was at that moment, that I felt so comfortable in where I was as a woman.

But there is so much heat centered around feminism. I feel like the majority of people when they hear that word think of crusades and marches, fighting for the right to have a voice and the right to vote. But feminism isn't something that only lives in women. It is something that lives in men, but I feel as a culture men are afraid of letting their feminine edge be expressed. But I think men expressing these polarities allow themselves to be connected with women on a much more profound level. And this coin has two sides, because I feel as though it is critical as women to have our masculinities as part of our femininity.

Feminism for me today lives in the now. We are one of very few societies today where women are actually able to go anywhere in the country and say and do whatever feels natural. That in and of itself is empowering. So feminism for me right now is the feeling internally that I can be and do ANYTHING. It isn't about this in your face mentality of women reigning supreme and me feeling like it needs to blasted on the loudspeaker. It is about equality but keeping the internal fire alive. I am a strong woman with fierceness yet gentility. I really do believe that for me the best balance is allowing my feminine side to run the show, but keeping enough room for the bear in me. Maybe I am just a bear with a bow.

thanks to the giving

Oh the day of giving thanks. Here I am doing a little bit of reflection...shocker. But realizing that my god there is so much in this world that I have to be thankful for. I was catching up with my beautiful friend Eve tonight and we were discussing some of the life changes she is going through right now. And what is so amazing about her is that she gets so passionately and internally involved with her process that all she can do is talk and talk and explore her mind and navigate her emotions. But in the meantime, while dealing with all of these changes going on in and around her, she wants a turtle. And not just any turtle, a miniature turtle, even though--unbenownced to her, miniature turtles don't exist. Those are just baby turtles. But she has decided against this marvelous idea, because turtles live to be about 100 years old. And I made a comment in return to her statement on the longevity of turtles, and I said..."you CAN'T get a turtle now, because then it would outlive us!" And as I mentioned that, I became scared.

I became scared of not being alive all of a sudden, I became so consumed for about 10 seconds over this reality that it was almost all overpowering. It was bizarre, and it made me realize that no matter what, there is so much beauty in this world that I feel deserves recognition.

I love that I have this incredible set of courses that I am taking right now that is challenging me and expanding me as an individual more than I have ever experienced in my life. I love that I have an adoring family that calls and reaches out to me 200000 times a day (sometimes too often). I love that whenever I walk into my room, it is warm because I love being warm. I love that I have friends that I can count on to be there for me when I need them. I love that whenever I walk into my work office, I can guarantee that I will laugh for 90% of the time. I love that I live in a town where the backyard is breathtakingly beautiful. I love that coffee now comes with a intricate design woven into the foam. I love that people stop and say genuinely say hello to one another. I love that I am comfortable with who I am as a human being so that I don't have to ask those unanswerable questions regarding my identity (at least for the moment). I love that my mother still comes and wakes me up in the morning when I'm home and lies beside me until I am awake. And I love even more that when I get up, she asks me for 5 more minutes. I love that my father loves to spend his day on his back porch reading with a glass of wine and the sounds of the creek. I love that I have a brand new nephew who is two months old who I don't even know very well and am already obsessed with. I love that people read this blog. I love that even though I have had a rough stretch of it, I still find beauty in the day. I love that I can still think of those people I have lost with fondness and smiles. I love that I still knit and hook rugs. I love that I still do paint by numbers. I love vintage t-shirts. I love nutella. I love the day and the clear sky. I love that there is a paragraph that I have already written on things I love and that I could still go on.

I won't though. Because I feel like filling you with things that I love and am thankful for, isn't really as meaningful to each of you personally. So think about what you are thankful for, and what you love in this world. And express it in whatever way you feel appropriate. There is so much beauty in the simplicity of the day. But I feel it is important to both see and feel that beauty. It is the simple beauty that in my mind is the truest.

the value of my values

So here I am sitting in class, and we are discussing the dynamic of personal values, and how we want to communicate them in our every day life. I am seeing that throughout my life, so many of the values that I have gathered over the years have been a combination of personal intuition and of societal and familial influence. There are a lot of "shoulds" that we receive from our parents.
I feel as though in order to life the richest and fullest life, we must be able to tap into what matters to us at the core. We should (ha, pun intended) take into consideration what things mean to us and not what they mean to us through the eyes of another.
I feel as though we are so good at convincing ourselves that our morals and values come from within, when really if we stand alone from our upbringing and our environment, we will see that our truest importances in this life are different. Through time, I feel like genuine versus not-so-genuine values will really begin to separate...because with each individual, he/she is going to know the feeling when they aren't acting for themselves and will feel that void when they have to question their own behaviors. I have been there for sure. And I know exactly what it is like to have values that aren't mine.
Right now I have a very strong set of values: importance of family, honesty, loyalty, genuineness. But that list has been edited. There were many other values that were tacked on which represented a big part of my life before I became in connection with my own inner persona. And they were: the importance of status, perfection, popularity, success, and money.
I want to share how experiences have allowed me to leave these behind...I do feel like these came from a myriad of influences, but through time and suffering, these somehow got left behind. With my past relationship with cheating through school, that final awareness of how my actions and behaviors were not only shattering me but the people around me, I realized that status just wasn't worth it. All of a sudden I didn't need to be the best, because the road I was taking to get there was painful enough. With perfectionism, through time and maturity, I began to marvel at the human flaw. In high school, I learned that my favorite people weren't the most popular ones, they were the ones who were authentic. They were exactly who they were, and nothing more. And for that, popularity and the need for attention faded. Money isn't a priority, I do want to be successful in my life, but only because it will allow me to do the things that I love and have the richest of experiences.
So here I am, now that I have shed off those values that aren't mine and have finally begun to acquire my own "treasure chest" of what will make me the truest Greer. Discover what your own values are, and not the values for someone else...only the ones for yourself.

my west side story

So here I am…sitting on the plane coming from Atlanta, GA where I spent the weekend absorbed with wedding fun. My dear friend from high school whom I hadn’t seen in 5 or so years was getting married in my home town and it was a great opportunity for me to see friends who normally don’t fall in my path. Therefore, I was excited. So excited. So through it all, I came to see that many people were doing such interesting things with their lives. And in return, I was asked what I was up to. Now this is a question that I hear on the general about once a week, so I have my little elevator version of “what I’m up to.” And I was talking with one woman in particular who was curious as to how I ended up in Boulder, and ended up in Counseling Psychology.
She initiated the conversation with, “so how is being a nurse?” And I found myself giving a sigh only to communicate to her that nursing was absolutely not what I was up to. So I began with where the two of us had left off. She was aware that I had graduated from nursing school about a year and a half ago, but after that point, things got cloudy. So I told her my truest feelings on my exposure to western medicine, and my pursuit down discovery of new horizons.
So here I am…what happened to get me to where I am today? I spent my undergraduate experience traveling down a road that I was ambivalent about. But seeing as though I wasn’t aware of what it meant to be passionate about a profession, I pressed forward keeping in mind that “school isn’t the job.” And so I graduated with a western impression of health care, which encompassed a myriad of prescription medication, technological advancements, and surgical intervention. Now through my personal experience, I went through significant internal turmoil (like those of you who read this blog didn’t know that) and didn’t feel like I had any substantial outlet to allay my fears and anxieties. Until I graduated and went home. So in a two month intensive with a marriage counselor (that was the only way I was going to agree to go to therapy if I was seeing someone who wasn’t “a professional in my area of need”), my struggles were really brought to the service, and in my mind significant progress was made. And this progress was made only through conversation. No pills. I had been instructed to take the prescription medication route, and yes while it did alleviate the symptoms of my unrest, the root of the problems were not being addressed.
So I moved to Boulder, and in that time, I discovered a program called Naropa. I was a little apprehensive about re-entering into the world of health care in any way because I was dissatisfied on the whole with western practice. And I really only mean this from a mental health standpoint, because frankly our advancement makes life possible. But from a counseling perspective, we have much work to do. Well I did a little bit of research on my program of interest and discovered that this area incorporates both eastern and western medicine in an attempt to communicate that there is a time and a place for both. It is so individual to each client. There is sometimes dire need for medication, so that a person can be given the relief to acknowledge and work through unrest.
But in my mind, we are a band-aid oriented culture. We are so eager to mask a symptom and so craving of being “pain free,” that we are willing to prescribe medicine like its candy.
So here I stand, about to finish my first semester of this Masters in Counseling Psychology, to say that there is no need to have an east versus west where one is better than the other. Lets as humans allow both of them to share the space and show their strengths on their own.

birthday cheer

Dear Eve,

I know that my birthday card to you is a day late. We both know how much I hate being late, and we both know that you weren't always the greatest about being on time :-) But that all doesn't matter now, because on this day...it is yours. I have been reflecting on our childhood together, our camping trips in the snow, our hikes through the north Georgia mountains with our parents, our partnership on the chess team...the list goes on and on. But there is something else that I want to remember today. Today you are 23. Your spirit is 23.
When we were younger, we did lead lives of innocence and glory. We were infatuated with learning good things and getting our feet dirty. You always taught me the beauty of being interested in the world around us, and you through your own bright eyed wonder allowed me to see that this world is full of so much life and beauty.
But this birthday cheer seems different. This time around I can't give you my card personally and see you respond with that luminous smile and yell, "awwwww Greerie," and you know what...it is okay. For the first time in a long time, that is okay. I can't sit with you now over coffee and discuss the complexity of our thought processes, I won't be able to sit across from you and listen to your detailed analysis of a pretty simple experience. I will miss that, but I'm okay.
And this is the other thing, I know that you are okay. I don't know where you are, but something inside tells me that you are fine. And I feel that every day when I think of you and remember your life. I watched YouTube videos of you for a while yesterday just because I needed to see you alive. You were so precious in your description of the student government offices, and you were so excited to share with everyone what you were going to provide the school.
And that was good for me to see you happy. So that is how I am going to remember you. And on your 23rd birthday, I will light a candle and celebrate. You are my heart darling bird. I love you and miss you.

Happy Birthday

my cocoon

There are those moments in everyone's life where there is a moment of threat to a person's emotional or physical being. That is not unique. What is unique though is how people handle that feeling of being threatened, and how it manifests. Each person has his or her own cocoon.

A cocoon is a retreat, it is a place of safety and seclusion, and it can take many forms. In class very recently, a teacher asked about animals defense mechanisms when there is a perception of imminent danger. For example there is the turtle who pulls all external limbs and the head inward. There is the porcupine who fans out an array of sharp quills so that nobody will come near. There is the chameleon who blends in with its environment so that i cannot be detected. And the list goes on and on. And even though the manifestation of coping is unique, each one of these animals behaves in a way to avoid further feeling of danger.

And that makes me think about my own personal cocoon and makes me realize that sometimes humans and animals are so interconnected. There is so much commonality in behavior that I find truly spiritual.

For me, when I perceive danger...I find there to be a distinction from what I want to do and what I actually do. So for me in this year of 2008, I have absolutely suffered. Suffered in ways that I didn't think I could handle. And throughout it all, I have had the overwhelming urge to retreat to my room, turn off the light, get under my covers, and forget the day. I would feel so incredibly empty inside, that it didn't feel like there was anyone on the planet who could help me fill my void. I would dream of going to sleep and waking up years later, so that the memories of my hurt would be distant.

But I found myself fighting that. Which now on reflection I am wondering if it was good or bad. At the time, I felt like fighting it was the right thing to do, I was so scared to retreat into the darkness and hermit into my own shell, because I thought I would never be able to escape it. So I pressed through it. But now I believe that I would have come out of the darkness and into the light eventually so maybe I should have allowed my body to live what it wanted.

But irrelevant, I didn't. And I filled my time with the people and things that I love . So I broke through my cocoon and wanted to appreciate the lessons I had been taught about the sanctity and delicacy of life. We all have our cocoons. And we all have our ways of dealing with actual or perceived danger. But it is our relationship with our cocoon that makes the difference.

how do i feel?

Today in my favorite class, Human Growth and Development, we had a guest speaker. Think that our teacher decided to bail on the same day as class registration coincidentally? I think not. People get so stressed out here when getting class schedules that half the class was 20 minutes late. Our teacher wouldn't have had that. But for me, I was so excited to meet this new speaker. Her name is Victoria and she spoke on Death and Dying.

Now this is a topic for me that as of late has many emotions circling around it. There are two main parts that I want to talk about though: my own feelings towards it, and my own process when confronted by it.

My own feelings toward it: for so much of my life, I have given the impression that I wasn't afraid of it. "I see it as inevitable, therefore what is there to be scared of?" That is what I used to say to people when asked my personal opinion. When really that is a lie. I am terrified of it. I am terrified that my days will end. I am terrified that I will miss out on experiences. I am scared that my loved ones will have to suffer my loss. There is so much unknown wrapped up in death that gives me anxiety. Not necessarily anxiety of where I will go, but more anxiety that my life as it is now will be no more. And today I admitted it. I told my class that until this point, I misrepresented myself and that I was ready to set the record straight. I don't find sanctity in the unknown.

This year, I have suffered a great deal of death around me. And it hasn't been the kind of passing on that is expected and acknowledged. It was harsh, violent, unexpected, devastating, piercing, saddening, and lonely. It forced so many emotions into my personal space that I didn't anticipate. I wasn't given the opportunity to say good bye to the people I love and therefore when I think of death, unfortunately right now for me, I only see darkness. Which leads me to my next topic...

My own process when confronted with death: I think I have rushed my grieving process this year. With all that has happened and all that has been laid in my path, I haven't given each individual circumstance its due. I have felt so much sadness surrounding the entirety of it. So much exhaustion from the relentlessness that I just wanted to bundle all of the deaths together and grieve them all at once. And after I had grieved them, then I just forced myself to see the beauty in them. Which isn't necessarily wrong or bad, I just feel it isn't complete to who I am. I shouldn't be so quick to "take gifts" from my unfortunate circumstance. I should in my opinion give the mourning just as much ability of expression. Because it is the completion of mourning which transforms into the receiving of gifts.

The two work hand in hand. And death yes is an unknown, but I feel like I have the most LIFE in me when I am able to truly and genuinely understand my relationship with DEATH.

every single process

It seems as though these days every day has been a transformation for me in some regard. I haven't really realized it until a few months ago, but the change that is occurring within me on a daily basis is pretty interesting to me. Has it always been that way, and I just didn't have as much self awareness to realize it? Or have certain events and circumstances in my life just provided a catalyst for more change?

Who is to know. But it is interesting to know right now how much is brewing side at any given moment. I feel like each interaction with someone, each work opportunity and each class period is leaving me with new layers of myself to uncover and new thoughts to marinate in.

But it is interesting in the sense that each time I feel like I have gone through an individual digging process, for a brief moment in time I feel clarity and feel like I have really gotten to the depth of me. And then a new opportunity for self growth emerges and there are yet other layers to uncover. It is remarkable, each human literally has millions of layers of complexity. And everybody does. Now whether we have the chance or even desire to do the digging is individual. Not everybody has one or either.

But it does arise questions in me. With regard to each of these processes, are any of them more true than the other? It seems as though right now I can generally categorize these years of my life as "processing years," and mainly I feel it is due to where I am in school and what I am studying. But never the less, I truly felt as though when I finished nursing school and for the few months after, I was done for the moment with heavy processing. And then I started at Naropa University, and it started all over again. So should there be any reason for me to discount what happened to me then? I did for a little while for some reason, I was just feeling as though the current "digging" was the most true. And for a second forgot to appreciate the past "digging."

The digging isn't painless though. And for that reason, sometimes we forget to appreciate the process because we as a society are so inclined and eager to avoid the pain and release it from our conscious and memory. And therefore, we may then forget the journey. But here, marinate in the pain. Know that this kind of pain, is good pain. This is the pain that stimulates change, and encourages transformation.

All of these self transformations contains such a plethora of truth and foundation. Each one allows for the next to happen. It is the staircase of life. I read a quote a few days ago that I really loved: don't just stare at the steps, step up the stairs." So step up through each of these processes and appreciate every single moment. They make you who you are today. No single step should be left unattended and unacknowledged. They hold so much significance and importance. Remember the journey, don't just appreciate the finish line.

making space

At the moment, I am struggling with a dilemma. When I lived in Athens, my life was much different than it is now. When I moved to Augusta, my life changed yet again. A huge change occurred when I moved to Boulder. And now that I am a grad student in Boulder, shocker it is transforming another time.

And I have noticed throughout each transition that there is one commonality: there are facets of my personality which get the opportunity to be expressed more greatly than others during each of these periods of time. When I lived in Athens, my life as an undergraduate student was relatively carefree. I was in school, on my nursing path, working at Five and Ten on the weekends, meeting a ton of new people, and having tons of time to explore what I loved and do what I enjoyed. When I moved to Augusta, my priorities changed. It wasn't necessarily about having a ton of time for me anymore, my life was school. It was IV's, and bed baths, conversations with patients, SOAP notes (look that up), all white shoes, and clinicals. During my two years there, I did yes have the opportunity to play my sports, but honestly I was so unhappy in Augusta, that I spent my weekends back and forth between there and Athens, to find some shred of a life that I loved. (The only joys Augusta really brought me were a small handful of people and intramural soccer and flag football).

Eager for change, I moved to Boulder. Then my life became about outdoors and filler jobs. It was different for me, because I wasn't consumed by school all of a sudden and I did have more free time, but some daily pleasures that I loved from home (relaxation in the sun with sweet tea, humidity, knitting with my mom and her friends, etc) I didn't have. And I found that the face of Greer was changing. Personality traits of mine were emerging and I realized that I had such a passion for outdoors. That I feel was under the surface for so long just didn't have the chance to be expressed. But in a sense, I left behind so much of the Southern Greer. There are so many small blips of who I was that slowly were hidden.

And then I entered into school, and that is when this whole awareness really came to my mind. My life right now is a ping pong game. I am bouncing constantly between school and its obligations, work and its responsibilities, and social engagements. I am not complaining, but yet again...change. But for the first time, I was sitting with a friend realizing that I don't knit anymore. I don't make sweet tea or granola like I used to. I don't wear crazy socks when the mood strikes me (that is a weird example I know), but it is just a way to explain that many of the small facets that make up Madeline Greer Van Dyck have in some way or another fallen through the cracks.

So as I write this blog, I am listening to Frank Sinatra. REALLY LOUD. And that is something that I used to always do. I am going to take my basket of really weird hats and put them back in my car where they used to be (and depending on what mood I'm in, I'll wear the appropriate hat while I'm driving), I am going to go to the yarn store and make mittens. I am going to go buy oats and make my granola. I am going to hook another rug. I am going to do paint by numbers. I am going to journal by the river. I am going to write to my grandmother. I am going to bring the South back to me.

And this blog is an opportunity for me to tell you that no matter where we are in our lives, we are changing. We are evolving daily. But that evolution doesn't mean that elements of your personality should fall by the way side. It is a chance for incorporation of the old and new. Bring back to yourself what you feel has gotten swept under the rug. Change is great, and change is where I am in my life, but remember the old. I want to make space for all of me.

without comparison

I have discovered what it is about the Special Olympics that makes it so magnificent. The whole competitive edge, the comparisons between participants is totally eliminated. I feel as though such a vital lesson can be learned here.

We race through life living a mentality that can be very selfish. So much of the time I feel myself having run the course of my days doing whatever I could to make myself feel good, on top, whatever I could do to stand out.

I have seen that so much of my life for the past few years, until I hit a wall of self realization, was for the expectation of others. I was so impacted and consumed with my personal success and how it measured up to the successes of others.

It is the same thing, and it starts so young even. Take the classroom scenario for example. There are a group of middle school students who are receiving tests back. And immediately, before each one looks at their own score, they look at the scores of the students around them. So this isn't something that only adults manifest. This is something instilled in us even as little sprouts.

What does that competition and comparison bring though honestly? The way I see it is this: a little competition in your life motivates you to be the best that you can be. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but when pushed to far and when it has the potential to dominate elements of your life, and you find yourself compromising your own self to achieve certain standards, there is trouble on the horizon.

In my opinion, comparison is dangerous. I feel as though when we as individuals begin to compare, then we are not yet living for our own personal satisfaction, or better yet we don't even know what our own personal satisfaction is. In my life, I have allowed my sense of competition to get the better of me, but for me I wasn't necessarily competing with others, it was more of a battle within myself.

I had formed these preconceived notions of what I thought my "best" was, and I had this impression of where I wanted to get and how I wasn't going to let anyone stand in my way. This was manifested most prominently in my schoolwork and that is when the cheating began. The grades gotten on my own weren't good enough. But this is the interesting thing, I didn't even know what it was that I wanted. I just knew that the work on my own was sub-par.

It is amazing how we can form these habits and take them to the extreme, for me it was such an undeniable sense of competition that had totally consumed me, my body, and my mind. Until that moment of realization, and I found that me striving for this unknowable goal is just an un winnable battle that I don't even have to overcome.

So here I am. And I look at the Special Olympics famous scene: one man on the track trips and every participant stops to help him up. It isn't about winning anymore. Let go as much of hte competition and comparison as you can, for it isn't what matters at the end of the day. For those in the Special Olympics it never was. It is about the process of life that we develop and grow through together.

suffering...

There is something interesting about suffering. When I find myself in the midst of a painful emotional experience, all I can feel is the hurt. All I can focus on is the present and I pretty much do not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

It is very difficult to do otherwise, but I feel as though in retrospect I appreciate it. I appreciate it because that pain and difficulty stretches me and tests me. It forces me to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. It enables me to appreciate times in my life when I am not suffering.

I feel as though so many people fall surrender to the dynamic of suffering. It penetrates the soul and mind in ways that we didn't know possible. Yet on the other end, there is calm in the sea.

So here it is, I remember being in the throws of grieving a loss not too long ago and being curious and scared that my life would never be peaceful. I resented those periods when I felt like I was doing nothing but mourning a loss or being preoccupied with sadness. There are those moments of truly marinating in the hurt and feeling the penetration so deep that you genuinely don't feel like that kind of heaviness can lift.

Then I came to a realization. It is those lengthy periods of suffering that truly have made me into the person that I am today. I have seen the benefits of suffering manifest in my daily life and in my relationships. If someone comes to me with a problem or concern that parallels in any way something that I have experienced, I can show extreme empathy. I have such a deep and profound respect for those who can acknowledge suffering and try and work through it.

In the past being with people who were suffering made me uncomfortable. Often enough I became nervous that they had emotionally traveled to a place I didn't understand. And now, I become sympathetic. I become more connected.

When I come to the last of my days, I want to look back on my life and appreciate those times of suffering because they have indeed made me strong and whole. They have made me human. So appreciate the hard months and years. Don't be intimidated by them. Also keep the optimism that they are represent a part of your life, they don't make up your life. I mean, if you think about it, what would life be like without any suffering? It would be boring and mundane and challenge free.

silver and gold

Since I am in the mode of talking about my jewelry, here is part 2. I don't wear a ton of jewerly. But there are a few pieces that as of right now, I refuse to take off. The next piece I want to talk about is a bracelet that stays on my right wrist, pretty much through all things. Unless I'm sleeping, its on.

It has particular significance in my life and relates to the sanctity of friends. Here is how it came to be. My mother for as long as I can remember wore these two bracelets side by side, one was silver and the other was gold. I constantly told her that I wanted to have two for myself, they were hammered jewelry to create this beautiful look. And I remembered throughout my days they would clink together.

Anyway, right before I moved to Colorado we were really discussing this idea of the two of us getting the same ones so that I could remember her always, and we took them to the jewelers to get priced and needless to say...making duplicates just wasn't an option. NO WAY.

So this is the conclusion we came to. She had a duplicate of the silver bracelet made and cut the gold one in half, and had them molded together to make one bracelet. So one day I came home and found this beautiful new bracelet in my mailbox. It is so remarkable how attached I can feel to her even though she is so far away.

The two components of friendship are: the silver and the gold. And when they come together, there is true unity in the relationship. For me, I have discovered that I have finally made the friends that I have been longing for my entire life. Don't misunderstand, I have had beautiful friends in my life, cherished friends, but never had them in the same town as me. They have always been living other places, so that our time together was exquisite, but definitely infrequent.

Finally here in Boulder I have found those beautiful men and women who give the same energy in friendships that I give. They care for me, and affirm our connection. I have found that I need that. I encourage everyone never to settle in friendships. They are our chosen family and we all deserve to have the most incredible chosen family.

creating that container

So much of my coursework in this one particular class has been about "creating a bigger container." To further bring readers out of the dark on that statement, the theory behind the concept is that we control so much of the time our emotional state. We have the ability to welcome emotion or turn it away.

My classes have really emphasized the importance of recognizing emotions that surface and not just acknowledge that they are there, but really embrace them. But why in the world would I want to embrace anxiety or fear? Why would I want to welcome those painful experiences? Well, here is the reason why...we as a culture have put these "negative" emotions on a throne of sorts because we are so afraid of them. We give them a power that they don't even necessarily have or deserve.

And so creating a bigger container is an opportunity for people to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. For a few months during nursing school, I experienced anxieties that were all but unbearable. I went through so many days of worry, fear of the future, sleepless nights, and saw that both my mind and body were suffering greatly. Only on retrospect though was I able to appreciate that so much of the reason these anxieties were so "unbearable" was because I was more afraid of them than anything. They were unfamiliar to me. And so in an attempt to be relieved, I tried to run away from them and eliminate them from my life. Whether it be through taking benadryl to help me sleep, or drinking to really become numbed to life in general, these temporary fixes didn't provide me any solace.

So creating a bigger container is an emotional process. It is something that I wish I could have known to do as I was experiencing pain and unrest. For example, in my case it would take the form of me feeling the anxiety. And upon recognition that I was feeling the anxiety, instead of running from it and fearing it, I welcome it. I allow it to reside in this body with me and I am almost welcoming of its company. The moment I do that, the anxiety isn't as much of a demon but more neutral. Once I allow the anxiety to be there with me and I create a larger space for the anxiety, its veracity weakens. This process isn't complicated.

Creating a larger container allows us to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Once I was able to see the anxiety as something other than an enemy, I suddenly had more power than I realized. And the anxiety was given a chance to come and pass through.

light bulb

I notice something I have been doing. If there is even a remote possibility that I have behaved poorly, I find myself searching for justification. Or additionally, if I have a choice of behaving one of two ways, I will find myself trying to provide a way of making the "lesser of the two" paths more honorable.

Why do we constantly find ourselves justifying our actions? I mean, is it a form of compensation? This stems right along with the idea of shortcuts. I mean, if I am at a crossroads in my life, and I can use the example of college for me, and I have the opportunity to either take a test on my own or use the help of others (cheating), then in an attempt to make a decision, I would find myself justifying cheating. Saying things over and over in my mind such as "well I really am studying hard, but it is so unfair that I have test anxiety and I shouldn't have to deal with it," or "well, it isn't like I am lazy, I am just challenged in this area, and this is so that I will feel as though my hard work is being reflected..." And here it goes on and on, and before I know it, I have justified in my mind years and years of dishonorable conduct in the classroom.

And I think also that this seeps into my arenas of life, whether it be work related, relationship oriented, etc...with work we can find ourselves stepping on the toes of friends and colleagues in order to receive that promotion that is "so well deserved," or going behind the back of a friend in order to gain some kind of personal satisfaction.

And here is what makes me surprised as well. When we are confronted and our behaviors are revealed, we are so quick to be defensive. It is almost as if our conscious isn't traveling at the same pace as our behavior. We act, and don't consider outcome, don't consider emotional damage. We don't appreciate the victim of our decision. But more importantly we don't acknowledge where we are going wrong. There is a genuine disconnect there.

And for so many years I lived that disconnect. Cheating for me wasn't an action of mal intent, and therefore wasn't in the forefront of my mind. I justified those years as "well, since I'm at a personal disadvantage here, this is what I must do in order to survive." WHAT IN THE WORLD? And then a day comes where....a light bulb comes on. Suddenly, I realize that my poor behaviors can't be justified any longer. I do not deserve to look at myself in the mirror and be proud or satisfied with the choices made. And that is what stimulated change.

So here is an opportunity to really look hard at our own personal decision making. When we find ourselves at a crossroad, are you having to justify decisions made? If you are having to even go there, then chances are it probably isn't the best option.

stay with me

I know I haven't written in a while, but I haven't been inspired for the recent past. It will come to me. Always lessons to be learned. Keep reading.

a priceless necklace

I don't know if you can really read what this necklace says, but this piece of jewelry means the world to me. I had seen it at this wonderful store in Athens called HELIX which is pretty much hands down the coolest (bold statement I know). Anyway, just in case you can't read it the necklace says "I want to be forever the me that greets change with open arms and heart."

In the beginning, this necklace stood out to me purely for aesthetic reasons. It was simple and had two charms with writing on them. That was all I really needed. So I went to HELIX and saw it, immediately called my mom to tell her that I had found this wonderful necklace that I just loved and was wondering if she would take a look at it and consider purchasing it. Well, she was out and about and near HELIX that afternoon coincidently. She gave me a call after she looked at it, and after a few minutes of explanation, she came to the conclusion that "it was wonderful but a little bit too pricey." No worries I said, and it never re-entered my thoughts. Well, that evening we were at a family friend's house for a cookie decorating party, and as my mom and I were walking out of their home to say our goodbye's, I got to my car and on my front seat was a little box. And in the box was the necklace. That is the kind of treasure my mom is.

So here it is. It is a necklace that I have worn almost every single day since I got it my freshman year of college. Almost 6 years. And I love every piece of what it represents. But the quote engraved on it began to take on a real meaning for me once I entered into nursing school.

Greeting change with open arms and heart. Huh, seems like a relatively easy thing to do. My life is always changing in wonderful ways--but nursing school was the first time that change entered my life in a very painful way. All of a sudden I was asked to take on a certain strength that I didn't have before. A resilience that I didn't know I had within me. I was forced to be courageous and spiritual, I had to all of a sudden learn to cope, I had to become a warrior. This necklace was my armor. This necklace gave me that sheer force of determination to know that change whether good or bad is part of life.

Our lives are constantly full of change and reform. As I said in my very first post, we are evolving daily. Each person in this world changes with every rise and fall of the sun. It is our job to adhere to that change, embrace it with love. I know that for me I still to a certain extent struggle with the prospect of change. 2008 for me has been my most fierce test in the sense that the change sprung on me has genuinely forced me to surrender to unpredictability. And I did surrender to it, instead of trying to control it (like I have tried to do for so many years), and live under the assumption that me and my life as an entity were unshakable. So here it is.

I find myself quite the opposite from invincible. I find that my shell is fragile but my core is strong. I have the ability with each day to know that no moment is mine to control and that change is a part of it. I wear this necklace with so many emotions. This necklace is a daily reminder of my mother. This necklace motivates me to be a giver in my relationships. This necklace allows me to embrace change with serenity. And when people ask, I am excited to tell them what it says and how it has "changed" my life.

Don't be afraid of change that comes. Instead of fearing it and attempting to escape it, embrace and welcome it. Change makes us who we are and teaches us one of the most valuable of life's lessons.

the throne

So I have kind of a critical point coming up on me this Friday. I have not taken a test since my nursing exam and have found myself at this breaking point of needing to fulfill a prerequisite requirement and there is a final exam.

Even thinking about taking a test just brings up so many memories, anxieties, fears, apprehensions, etc...And there is so much built up under it. I had a really good talk with my therapist today just discussing why it is that so much power is placed on these tests that I take. And it is so interesting because we were kind of dissecting my relationship with tests in the past, and I made a comment that I place them on this throne of importance in my life. ALWAYS.

And in the past I did put them on this throne because there was so much loaded onto each one. There was just such severe preoccupation with the expectation of others, HAVING to satisfy these needs of control, being so obsessed with grades, etc...I don't know what it was, but I would enter into a test and be so consumed with everything BUT the test that I would have no opportunity to have space in my mind to answer the actual questions.

And that is exactly how I entered into my nursing exam. I answered every single question with my mind elsewhere. Each time there was a new question, I was focused on how many questions I had answered and how many I had to go. I was so focused on how this test had such a huge impact on my life and my career. I was so scared that I had taken the test more than once and scared that I would fail again. I was so anxious that I was going to be cut off from the questions. I was so scared that people would think less of me if I didn't pass. I was scared to be looked down upon.

And I am not there anymore. All of that sums up what I put on my throne of importance. But now I have a new throne. Now I have a throne filled with elements that are going to promote acceptance of being human.

So on my throne now as I take this final exam on Friday are these things: welcoming of the anxiety and fear because they are going to be there, not trying to push them away, repeating mantras in my mind as I get afraid, there are going to be times when my mind wanders and instead of getting frustrated I will embrace it. This exam all of a sudden isn't a test of my knowledge but my test of a relationship with myself.

Game on.

separation

This painting is called "Separation and I really think its beautiful, so...There is this really important piece in my Human Growth and Development class that is so vital when working with clients in a therapy setting: the idea of truly being able to separate the "person and behavior" within a human.

To avoid being vague, this is what it means truly. It is an attempt to take an individual and be able to distinguish that person's actions from who they are inside. It is a nearly impossible task to take on, but I say nearly impossible because it is doable. I find myself having struggled with this for so much of my life, and even now.

When I was in nursing school, I behaved so badly for so long that I feel that awareness that there was a distinction was gone. I was so deeply entrenched in my behavior that it didn't even phase me that behavior and being could be separate. To me, they were one. To me, I was a person who was just so in need of control that my actions were just a reflection of who I was on the inside. It went on this way for so long, and I really do feel as though that is why I marinated in shame and doubt for so long. Because I couldn't see enough that those actions were not really who Greer was. They were reflective of a fear of mine.

Only now, because so much time has passed and I have allowed enough distance between that time and now am I able to see those behaviors for what they were. They aren't Greer, they were a manifestation of an internal unrest.

But doesn't it truly seem like a difficult process? Because each time we do act poorly, how can we not relate it to who we are? I mean, with my cheating for example, how could I not see that as part of who I am when I was the one facilitating it? But there is an element of burden that we place on ourselves when we are so attentive to our actions. In the same way that thoughts are just thoughts, actions are just actions. And how easy is it to say that whenever we do something positive, it isn't coming from an innate place inside of us that directly reflects our inner being?

There needs to be a clear distinction here between how we behave and who we are on the general. Our behaviors yes can be an expression of a current state of mind or emotion, but they do not reflect our deeply rooted character. So here for me I see my course. I want to be aware of my actions and how they effect the people around me and myself. Act for yourself and be true to who you are at the core.