how do i feel?

Today in my favorite class, Human Growth and Development, we had a guest speaker. Think that our teacher decided to bail on the same day as class registration coincidentally? I think not. People get so stressed out here when getting class schedules that half the class was 20 minutes late. Our teacher wouldn't have had that. But for me, I was so excited to meet this new speaker. Her name is Victoria and she spoke on Death and Dying.

Now this is a topic for me that as of late has many emotions circling around it. There are two main parts that I want to talk about though: my own feelings towards it, and my own process when confronted by it.

My own feelings toward it: for so much of my life, I have given the impression that I wasn't afraid of it. "I see it as inevitable, therefore what is there to be scared of?" That is what I used to say to people when asked my personal opinion. When really that is a lie. I am terrified of it. I am terrified that my days will end. I am terrified that I will miss out on experiences. I am scared that my loved ones will have to suffer my loss. There is so much unknown wrapped up in death that gives me anxiety. Not necessarily anxiety of where I will go, but more anxiety that my life as it is now will be no more. And today I admitted it. I told my class that until this point, I misrepresented myself and that I was ready to set the record straight. I don't find sanctity in the unknown.

This year, I have suffered a great deal of death around me. And it hasn't been the kind of passing on that is expected and acknowledged. It was harsh, violent, unexpected, devastating, piercing, saddening, and lonely. It forced so many emotions into my personal space that I didn't anticipate. I wasn't given the opportunity to say good bye to the people I love and therefore when I think of death, unfortunately right now for me, I only see darkness. Which leads me to my next topic...

My own process when confronted with death: I think I have rushed my grieving process this year. With all that has happened and all that has been laid in my path, I haven't given each individual circumstance its due. I have felt so much sadness surrounding the entirety of it. So much exhaustion from the relentlessness that I just wanted to bundle all of the deaths together and grieve them all at once. And after I had grieved them, then I just forced myself to see the beauty in them. Which isn't necessarily wrong or bad, I just feel it isn't complete to who I am. I shouldn't be so quick to "take gifts" from my unfortunate circumstance. I should in my opinion give the mourning just as much ability of expression. Because it is the completion of mourning which transforms into the receiving of gifts.

The two work hand in hand. And death yes is an unknown, but I feel like I have the most LIFE in me when I am able to truly and genuinely understand my relationship with DEATH.