silver and gold

Since I am in the mode of talking about my jewelry, here is part 2. I don't wear a ton of jewerly. But there are a few pieces that as of right now, I refuse to take off. The next piece I want to talk about is a bracelet that stays on my right wrist, pretty much through all things. Unless I'm sleeping, its on.

It has particular significance in my life and relates to the sanctity of friends. Here is how it came to be. My mother for as long as I can remember wore these two bracelets side by side, one was silver and the other was gold. I constantly told her that I wanted to have two for myself, they were hammered jewelry to create this beautiful look. And I remembered throughout my days they would clink together.

Anyway, right before I moved to Colorado we were really discussing this idea of the two of us getting the same ones so that I could remember her always, and we took them to the jewelers to get priced and needless to say...making duplicates just wasn't an option. NO WAY.

So this is the conclusion we came to. She had a duplicate of the silver bracelet made and cut the gold one in half, and had them molded together to make one bracelet. So one day I came home and found this beautiful new bracelet in my mailbox. It is so remarkable how attached I can feel to her even though she is so far away.

The two components of friendship are: the silver and the gold. And when they come together, there is true unity in the relationship. For me, I have discovered that I have finally made the friends that I have been longing for my entire life. Don't misunderstand, I have had beautiful friends in my life, cherished friends, but never had them in the same town as me. They have always been living other places, so that our time together was exquisite, but definitely infrequent.

Finally here in Boulder I have found those beautiful men and women who give the same energy in friendships that I give. They care for me, and affirm our connection. I have found that I need that. I encourage everyone never to settle in friendships. They are our chosen family and we all deserve to have the most incredible chosen family.

creating that container

So much of my coursework in this one particular class has been about "creating a bigger container." To further bring readers out of the dark on that statement, the theory behind the concept is that we control so much of the time our emotional state. We have the ability to welcome emotion or turn it away.

My classes have really emphasized the importance of recognizing emotions that surface and not just acknowledge that they are there, but really embrace them. But why in the world would I want to embrace anxiety or fear? Why would I want to welcome those painful experiences? Well, here is the reason why...we as a culture have put these "negative" emotions on a throne of sorts because we are so afraid of them. We give them a power that they don't even necessarily have or deserve.

And so creating a bigger container is an opportunity for people to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. For a few months during nursing school, I experienced anxieties that were all but unbearable. I went through so many days of worry, fear of the future, sleepless nights, and saw that both my mind and body were suffering greatly. Only on retrospect though was I able to appreciate that so much of the reason these anxieties were so "unbearable" was because I was more afraid of them than anything. They were unfamiliar to me. And so in an attempt to be relieved, I tried to run away from them and eliminate them from my life. Whether it be through taking benadryl to help me sleep, or drinking to really become numbed to life in general, these temporary fixes didn't provide me any solace.

So creating a bigger container is an emotional process. It is something that I wish I could have known to do as I was experiencing pain and unrest. For example, in my case it would take the form of me feeling the anxiety. And upon recognition that I was feeling the anxiety, instead of running from it and fearing it, I welcome it. I allow it to reside in this body with me and I am almost welcoming of its company. The moment I do that, the anxiety isn't as much of a demon but more neutral. Once I allow the anxiety to be there with me and I create a larger space for the anxiety, its veracity weakens. This process isn't complicated.

Creating a larger container allows us to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Once I was able to see the anxiety as something other than an enemy, I suddenly had more power than I realized. And the anxiety was given a chance to come and pass through.

light bulb

I notice something I have been doing. If there is even a remote possibility that I have behaved poorly, I find myself searching for justification. Or additionally, if I have a choice of behaving one of two ways, I will find myself trying to provide a way of making the "lesser of the two" paths more honorable.

Why do we constantly find ourselves justifying our actions? I mean, is it a form of compensation? This stems right along with the idea of shortcuts. I mean, if I am at a crossroads in my life, and I can use the example of college for me, and I have the opportunity to either take a test on my own or use the help of others (cheating), then in an attempt to make a decision, I would find myself justifying cheating. Saying things over and over in my mind such as "well I really am studying hard, but it is so unfair that I have test anxiety and I shouldn't have to deal with it," or "well, it isn't like I am lazy, I am just challenged in this area, and this is so that I will feel as though my hard work is being reflected..." And here it goes on and on, and before I know it, I have justified in my mind years and years of dishonorable conduct in the classroom.

And I think also that this seeps into my arenas of life, whether it be work related, relationship oriented, etc...with work we can find ourselves stepping on the toes of friends and colleagues in order to receive that promotion that is "so well deserved," or going behind the back of a friend in order to gain some kind of personal satisfaction.

And here is what makes me surprised as well. When we are confronted and our behaviors are revealed, we are so quick to be defensive. It is almost as if our conscious isn't traveling at the same pace as our behavior. We act, and don't consider outcome, don't consider emotional damage. We don't appreciate the victim of our decision. But more importantly we don't acknowledge where we are going wrong. There is a genuine disconnect there.

And for so many years I lived that disconnect. Cheating for me wasn't an action of mal intent, and therefore wasn't in the forefront of my mind. I justified those years as "well, since I'm at a personal disadvantage here, this is what I must do in order to survive." WHAT IN THE WORLD? And then a day comes where....a light bulb comes on. Suddenly, I realize that my poor behaviors can't be justified any longer. I do not deserve to look at myself in the mirror and be proud or satisfied with the choices made. And that is what stimulated change.

So here is an opportunity to really look hard at our own personal decision making. When we find ourselves at a crossroad, are you having to justify decisions made? If you are having to even go there, then chances are it probably isn't the best option.

stay with me

I know I haven't written in a while, but I haven't been inspired for the recent past. It will come to me. Always lessons to be learned. Keep reading.

a priceless necklace

I don't know if you can really read what this necklace says, but this piece of jewelry means the world to me. I had seen it at this wonderful store in Athens called HELIX which is pretty much hands down the coolest (bold statement I know). Anyway, just in case you can't read it the necklace says "I want to be forever the me that greets change with open arms and heart."

In the beginning, this necklace stood out to me purely for aesthetic reasons. It was simple and had two charms with writing on them. That was all I really needed. So I went to HELIX and saw it, immediately called my mom to tell her that I had found this wonderful necklace that I just loved and was wondering if she would take a look at it and consider purchasing it. Well, she was out and about and near HELIX that afternoon coincidently. She gave me a call after she looked at it, and after a few minutes of explanation, she came to the conclusion that "it was wonderful but a little bit too pricey." No worries I said, and it never re-entered my thoughts. Well, that evening we were at a family friend's house for a cookie decorating party, and as my mom and I were walking out of their home to say our goodbye's, I got to my car and on my front seat was a little box. And in the box was the necklace. That is the kind of treasure my mom is.

So here it is. It is a necklace that I have worn almost every single day since I got it my freshman year of college. Almost 6 years. And I love every piece of what it represents. But the quote engraved on it began to take on a real meaning for me once I entered into nursing school.

Greeting change with open arms and heart. Huh, seems like a relatively easy thing to do. My life is always changing in wonderful ways--but nursing school was the first time that change entered my life in a very painful way. All of a sudden I was asked to take on a certain strength that I didn't have before. A resilience that I didn't know I had within me. I was forced to be courageous and spiritual, I had to all of a sudden learn to cope, I had to become a warrior. This necklace was my armor. This necklace gave me that sheer force of determination to know that change whether good or bad is part of life.

Our lives are constantly full of change and reform. As I said in my very first post, we are evolving daily. Each person in this world changes with every rise and fall of the sun. It is our job to adhere to that change, embrace it with love. I know that for me I still to a certain extent struggle with the prospect of change. 2008 for me has been my most fierce test in the sense that the change sprung on me has genuinely forced me to surrender to unpredictability. And I did surrender to it, instead of trying to control it (like I have tried to do for so many years), and live under the assumption that me and my life as an entity were unshakable. So here it is.

I find myself quite the opposite from invincible. I find that my shell is fragile but my core is strong. I have the ability with each day to know that no moment is mine to control and that change is a part of it. I wear this necklace with so many emotions. This necklace is a daily reminder of my mother. This necklace motivates me to be a giver in my relationships. This necklace allows me to embrace change with serenity. And when people ask, I am excited to tell them what it says and how it has "changed" my life.

Don't be afraid of change that comes. Instead of fearing it and attempting to escape it, embrace and welcome it. Change makes us who we are and teaches us one of the most valuable of life's lessons.

the throne

So I have kind of a critical point coming up on me this Friday. I have not taken a test since my nursing exam and have found myself at this breaking point of needing to fulfill a prerequisite requirement and there is a final exam.

Even thinking about taking a test just brings up so many memories, anxieties, fears, apprehensions, etc...And there is so much built up under it. I had a really good talk with my therapist today just discussing why it is that so much power is placed on these tests that I take. And it is so interesting because we were kind of dissecting my relationship with tests in the past, and I made a comment that I place them on this throne of importance in my life. ALWAYS.

And in the past I did put them on this throne because there was so much loaded onto each one. There was just such severe preoccupation with the expectation of others, HAVING to satisfy these needs of control, being so obsessed with grades, etc...I don't know what it was, but I would enter into a test and be so consumed with everything BUT the test that I would have no opportunity to have space in my mind to answer the actual questions.

And that is exactly how I entered into my nursing exam. I answered every single question with my mind elsewhere. Each time there was a new question, I was focused on how many questions I had answered and how many I had to go. I was so focused on how this test had such a huge impact on my life and my career. I was so scared that I had taken the test more than once and scared that I would fail again. I was so anxious that I was going to be cut off from the questions. I was so scared that people would think less of me if I didn't pass. I was scared to be looked down upon.

And I am not there anymore. All of that sums up what I put on my throne of importance. But now I have a new throne. Now I have a throne filled with elements that are going to promote acceptance of being human.

So on my throne now as I take this final exam on Friday are these things: welcoming of the anxiety and fear because they are going to be there, not trying to push them away, repeating mantras in my mind as I get afraid, there are going to be times when my mind wanders and instead of getting frustrated I will embrace it. This exam all of a sudden isn't a test of my knowledge but my test of a relationship with myself.

Game on.

separation

This painting is called "Separation and I really think its beautiful, so...There is this really important piece in my Human Growth and Development class that is so vital when working with clients in a therapy setting: the idea of truly being able to separate the "person and behavior" within a human.

To avoid being vague, this is what it means truly. It is an attempt to take an individual and be able to distinguish that person's actions from who they are inside. It is a nearly impossible task to take on, but I say nearly impossible because it is doable. I find myself having struggled with this for so much of my life, and even now.

When I was in nursing school, I behaved so badly for so long that I feel that awareness that there was a distinction was gone. I was so deeply entrenched in my behavior that it didn't even phase me that behavior and being could be separate. To me, they were one. To me, I was a person who was just so in need of control that my actions were just a reflection of who I was on the inside. It went on this way for so long, and I really do feel as though that is why I marinated in shame and doubt for so long. Because I couldn't see enough that those actions were not really who Greer was. They were reflective of a fear of mine.

Only now, because so much time has passed and I have allowed enough distance between that time and now am I able to see those behaviors for what they were. They aren't Greer, they were a manifestation of an internal unrest.

But doesn't it truly seem like a difficult process? Because each time we do act poorly, how can we not relate it to who we are? I mean, with my cheating for example, how could I not see that as part of who I am when I was the one facilitating it? But there is an element of burden that we place on ourselves when we are so attentive to our actions. In the same way that thoughts are just thoughts, actions are just actions. And how easy is it to say that whenever we do something positive, it isn't coming from an innate place inside of us that directly reflects our inner being?

There needs to be a clear distinction here between how we behave and who we are on the general. Our behaviors yes can be an expression of a current state of mind or emotion, but they do not reflect our deeply rooted character. So here for me I see my course. I want to be aware of my actions and how they effect the people around me and myself. Act for yourself and be true to who you are at the core.

grandparents

I am so sorry I have not written in a long time. I have been busy balancing school, school, school, work and the absence now of Luna. But I have reached an amazing clarity with the Luna situation. I have become able to have my own life all of a sudden, I have been able to stay gone from my house all day if I really want to. I have been able to be with friends for extended periods of time, sit by the creek and not think about when to be home for her. And I am not sad that I feel this way, it just makes me realize that her impact on me was more profound than I realized. However, this isn't to say that I don't miss my darling girl. She will forever be with me.

But here is something that I have been thinking so much about, and it seems to be a topic that goes unappreciated. They are the grandparents. When I was a young child, I progressed innocently through life, always taking advantage of the money that "grandpod" would send me on my birthday, loving the Christmas presents that "grandmom" would give me. I remembered her soft hands and her delicate body, and would remember my grandfather's smell. I would remember how he would give me ice cream sandwiches every time I went over to his house, and I would remember how my "grandam" would play nintendo with me till odd hours of the night.

But honestly, my appreciation for them never penetrated past these simple pleasures of a child. I didn't understand that within these four individuals lay unbelievable life experience, wisdom, and morals. Within these four gems there was so much to tell, so much to share, so much to pass on.

Unfortunately, I lost three of my grandparents while I was very young, so I never really got the opportunity to ask them about life and what they had experienced. I never really got a chance to hear their stories and understand where they came from, I never got to feel the sadness of their experiences, or the excitement of their triumphs. It is something that I have been thinking so much about lately and I want to take this chance to tell everyone something.

For those of you who still have grandparents who are living, take heed of their beautiful minds. For they are dying to share it with you. They have an unbelievable advantage of living a life full of rich experience and opportunity, struggle and love. Seek it out of them. Draw out the wisdom. It will be amazing. I have clung sometimes to my friend's grandparents because I so value the translation of their experiences to influence my life.

I have a dear friend who lives in NY who is suffering the burden of watching his grandfather come to the end of his life. He is in NY right now and his grandfather is in GA, and he is so afraid that he won't get to his grandfather's side in time to really tell him how he cherishes his grandfather. He is so scared that his grandfather will never know. And I know how this feels, the goodbyes in life are something that are so precious and we deserve them for closure. And this is what I say to my friend, know in your heart what you want to say. Know that your life is in some way changed by his presence in it. Even if you don't get to his bedside to relay this face-to-face, he will know. You two share an incredible bond, the bond of family, and family members just know. They can feel the passion and love from one to another.

Keep your head up darling friend, death is a part of life. It is not a disconnect from the world we know, it is a continuation of the life we have been living. He will live in you, and you will live in him always.

Love.

break in the sky

Luna gave me a great gift yesterday. Over the past few months, I have come to the realization that my life up until this point has been a product of me saying YES to everything. Constantly always needing to work through in my mind my tomorrow the night before. It was a mess. If my planner went missing, oh god. Can't even go there. Things would be lost.

And then I took on the responsibility of a dog. Now any of you who read this blog who have taken on the multidimensional task of purchasing an animal (at least more interactive than a fish) know that you are officially a parent at this point. You have entered into a new realm of responsibility and dedication. Time management better be a card that you were dealt and if its not you need to Google it to find the best ways of achieving it.

But anyway, I did create yet another challenge in my life and soon enough found myself treading water. Suddenly my life turned from being able to flow gently with the current, to struggling with all of my might to keep my head above water. And I found myself loving this new companion in my life, however realizing that she was in a way facilitating this mindset of mine to be constantly demanded.

So here I am now. I was faced with the harsh reality that Luna for the rest of her life will have to be medically managed. I was aware of the people around me who were so preciously willing to offer assistance in ways so that I would be able to keep her. And for moments there, I considered it. I considered keeping her and "making it work," just for the sake of not saying no. And then I noticed my selfishness and potential fear of cutting something out of my life (eek).

And then it happened. Clarity. I realized that Luna is spoonfeeding me an opportunity to change my ways. She is forcing me to say no to keeping her and that gift is priceless. So with this blog, I give my thanks to my precious dog, who is now spending her days on 160 acres of land with her birth mother. Awww. I just love that thought.

And I go from here, realizing that every person deserves to take care of themselves and the people around them. I was able to give Luna all that she needs in order to be happy and live the fullest life, and Luna was able to give me freedom. She opened my door to change.