the throne

So I have kind of a critical point coming up on me this Friday. I have not taken a test since my nursing exam and have found myself at this breaking point of needing to fulfill a prerequisite requirement and there is a final exam.

Even thinking about taking a test just brings up so many memories, anxieties, fears, apprehensions, etc...And there is so much built up under it. I had a really good talk with my therapist today just discussing why it is that so much power is placed on these tests that I take. And it is so interesting because we were kind of dissecting my relationship with tests in the past, and I made a comment that I place them on this throne of importance in my life. ALWAYS.

And in the past I did put them on this throne because there was so much loaded onto each one. There was just such severe preoccupation with the expectation of others, HAVING to satisfy these needs of control, being so obsessed with grades, etc...I don't know what it was, but I would enter into a test and be so consumed with everything BUT the test that I would have no opportunity to have space in my mind to answer the actual questions.

And that is exactly how I entered into my nursing exam. I answered every single question with my mind elsewhere. Each time there was a new question, I was focused on how many questions I had answered and how many I had to go. I was so focused on how this test had such a huge impact on my life and my career. I was so scared that I had taken the test more than once and scared that I would fail again. I was so anxious that I was going to be cut off from the questions. I was so scared that people would think less of me if I didn't pass. I was scared to be looked down upon.

And I am not there anymore. All of that sums up what I put on my throne of importance. But now I have a new throne. Now I have a throne filled with elements that are going to promote acceptance of being human.

So on my throne now as I take this final exam on Friday are these things: welcoming of the anxiety and fear because they are going to be there, not trying to push them away, repeating mantras in my mind as I get afraid, there are going to be times when my mind wanders and instead of getting frustrated I will embrace it. This exam all of a sudden isn't a test of my knowledge but my test of a relationship with myself.

Game on.