stepping out of your bubble

In my life over the years, I really have begun to see the remarkable importance of friendship. Until I was in nursing school, I of course realized that friends are your chosen family and your second halves, but never really took it deeper than the surface.

But for me, I have such a deep awareness of the impact my friends and their actions have on me. I have spent my years "floating" as I call it. I see myself not attached to one particular group and never have really with the exclusion of high school. During those four years, I was primarily associated with four other girls who stood as my confidants.

Over my teenage years and into my early twenties, I have unfortunately seen the damage friends have done to one another, and in my opinion take for granted the bounty presented before them. I have been witness to people my age truly be oblivious to the gifts of friendship. How can this happen? Where is there a disconnect from the truest point of at the end of the day, all we have is community?

Always ever eager to adhere to the golden rule (treat others as you would want to be treated), I find myself going above and beyond to help those around me. There are miraculous people in my life who I feel should be acknowledged for their contribution and beauty. I was talking to a friend about this a few months ago, and we both are very similar cuts of cloth. We both find ourselves feeling like we give and give to a relationship and rarely see return to the same extent. I found that I had been frustrated over this same dilemma, wishing and only hoping that my relationships would be equally satisfying on both ends. And then I came to a bountiful truth...

I cannot and should not act based on the premise that actions will be reciprocated. I was brought up in this world to cherish the glory around me, be thankful for things I was provided, and to share my gifts with my fellow human beings. I was not taught to act for the satisfaction of appearance, acclaim, or recognition. Therefore, if I act based on my heart and for nothing else than personal satisfaction, then the gifts will come back to me in their own way.

They don't have to be reciprocated really, just appreciated. If you find yourself consumed by your own personal bubble, step out of it, recognize the gift of the day, and acknowledge the beauty that someone in your life allows you to see. It speaks worlds in and of itself.

Oh 2008

2008 so for me can be looked at from two perspectives: a year of incomparable tragedy and sadness that streams in at a constant rate, pulling me down further and further underneath its waves, or a year of incomparable tragedy and sadness that has presented me with gifts of strength, optimism, and gentility.

Honestly, I used to go back and forth between these two options. In the beginning of the year, when I felt as though my world was crashing around me and all that was good was fading as the sun does at the end of each day, I was anything but hopeful. My only method of coping at that point was intermittent fits of tears or rage, sometimes both at once, really needing nothing but an immediate release of pressure inside my body. But no matter how much I cried tears of anxiety or screamed to the sky, the pressure was never relieved. It would build on itself until it could be contained no more. And this period of instability went on for a couple of months. I felt as though every time the severity of an event passed, another would claim my world and devastate me in a whole new way.

Over time, I was able to slowly mold into a new way of approach. I was finally able to absorb the awareness of tragedy and loss, and demand reasoning behind it. I am here finally at the dawning of a new day, feeling as though 2008 while being some of my darkest days have also been my brightest.

Through these tragedies in my world, I have learned lessons. I have taken solace in the unpredictability of life, and have understood that instead of focusing my attention SO MUCH on how hurt I am and how I have been pained previously, I should turn my head elsewhere. This isn't to say that each experience, good or bad shouldn't be remembered, but there is a time in everyone's life to shift the energy of your thoughts to the present.

For me now, it seems as though there is a break in the clouds, and I see the sun shine through the storm clouds with a hint of rainbow. But so now when I am confronted with circumstances that just further reinforce the fragility of life, instead of consuming myself with the sadness of it, I make it a point to really reinforce the positive. For example, as I was visiting Katherine Arnold, who absolutely stands as a beautifully angelic fighter, I was informed by my father of a terrible car accident that Dr. Moye was in a week ago. Immediately terrified and fearful that yet another one of Athens' finest had suffered even remotely, my father said to me "He has suffered significant bone crushing, has lost a tremendous amount of blood, but his brain is fine." That was all I needed to hear, that there was hope of his recovery, that his life was saved. A gift to me.

So take these events as they come into your life, cherish the days that aren't tainted by sadness, fear, death, and tragedy, and learn from the moments where these demons rear their ugly heads. They will be there waiting for us, but it is all about how we confront and manage them. In every new day, there is a time for lessons to be learned, and beauty to be seen.

a baby boy with 15 mothers

I have spent the last two days in Los Angeles visiting my friend Katherine Arnold Wolf who has recently undergone a devastating brain injury. Such an assault to quite a beautiful angel. I sit here on the floor of her mother's apartment, which is adorned with pictures of her three darling girls. I am able to see through these photos how they have grown from young children into stunning women. Each room breathes Kim Arnold. She is a classic Southern mother who is devoting her life and soul to the recovery of her first born, and I feel honored to spend these few nights in the space where she resides. She in fact has kept a blog as a method of coping. Her blog is a portal for her grieving and her thoughts, her frustrations and questions. Her baby boy James has been pampered endlessly by the many women surrounding Katherine and her recovery.

I came on this trip with such vague expectations. I didn't know whether or not I was going to be terrified, saddened, overwhelmed, anxious, etc. I just didn't know. Instead, I have been overjoyed, consumed by love, helpful, spiritual, contemplative and happy.

All of the negativity I anticipated surrendering to has been completely sidelined by glory. On this beautiful Saturday, I accompanied my darling friend Katherine from the confines of her UCLA Medical Center bedroom out into the bountiful sunshine of California. We were allowed to walk the 3 blocks to the apartments of her family and her husband's family. I walked by Katherine's side as she was pushed in her wheelchair through the busy streets of Sunset Blvd only to be greeted by a surprised and ecstatic audience. It was the most uplifting visit of my life. She was social, she was engaged, she was the vibrant and vivacious woman that I have remembered from my life in Athens.

Katherine in the last three days has taught me numerous lessons. She has enabled me to understand a true fighter. Someone so elegant in her poise and so beautiful in her motion but so fierce under the surface. She exudes courage. She is subtly comedic and appropriately thankful. She will never give up, even as she stared death in the face and rose above. Not only has she risen above, but she continues to rise. With each passing day, she makes progress. She has taught me that there is no one to say what should or shouldn't happen in this life. She has defied all odds, and overwhelmed all doubts. She is the ultimate hero.

a true leader

On one particular day, I was told by three different parties that I was a "natural leader." Now each one of these comments was made in a different context, and with each one, I inquired meaning behind the choice of words.

With the first...it came from a remarkable friend of mine. She is about 35 years old, PhD qualified former college professor who is the founder and starter of a website dedicated to providing an information portal for anybody seeking therapy for a myriad of reasons. She emulates an alternative lifestyle, and the two of us were easy to dig deep into our relationship from the start. In the comfort of her office (where I used to be a receptionist), I have felt comfortable sharing all of the positives and negatives of my world. And she dutifully listened and provided beautiful advice. It had been a month of so since we had talked, and to let her into things I was doing, I gave her my blog address. And she responded to that email with, "Greer you are such a natural leader." In this context, I see being a leader as not having the fear to express my emotions, fears, anxieties, etc...and allowing people to follow my lead and therefore not be afraid themselves. There is nothing to be afraid of, and part of the reason I am so willing to share is because I know that no matter who reads my entries, someone understands at least a portion of what I'm going through. Even if the connection is small, the connection is there.

The second time that day someone referred to me as leader was a man who has taken me under wing in my pursuit of becoming a great rock climber. He has taught me the essentials to being a good and safe climber and has let me tag along numerous times with him on great climbs. Very patient as he is, he lets me ask 1000000 questions and always leaves room for one more. But we were discussing a friend of his, who he referred to as someone who always likes to lead and never likes to follow. He mentioned that he got the same impression from me only in the sense that I like to lead as well. The only difference between someone like his friend and someone like me was that I make it an absolute priority to lead and be led. In this life, we must always be willing to learn, because every day is an evolution. I have never met anyone who had the entirety of this complex life figured out. And for me, I don't want to have it all figured out, I want to learn and take lessons from every day. That was one of the best compliments I have ever received.

Thirdly for the day, I was climbing that morning, and there was a group of men climbing a route next to ours. I found myself lead climbing a very difficult and very high portion of this mountain face, and discovered that I was extremely close to getting to the top all on my own. It was an incredibly liberating and exciting ascent for me, and it was a completely new experience. As I reached the top, I felt an ultimate sense of accomplishment. I had felt scared on the way up, felt vulnerable, but at the same time overwhelmed my fears of danger by taking small and carefully determined steps. Before I knew it, I couldn't go any further. After landing safely on two feet on the ground, one man from the group next to us immediately said, "you are a leader." I guess that may be a key element of a leader: not letting the internal fears and anxieties prevent you from reaching your ultimate goal. For at the completion, you are empowered, fearless and unstoppable.

Be a leader in your own life, whatever that may entail. But know that with being a leader doesn't just mean that you are a role model for others. Know that great leaders know how to be led and know how to listen and learn. Evolve daily.

friends

I have found a magnificent new friend. I stumbled onto this gem of a woman through common work areas, and then coincidentally moved into a home that I didn't realize she inhabited. Love coincidences like that. Aside from sharing a beautiful and serene abode (http://files.gluedtomyseat.com/GreersHome.mov), we have started an incredible journey together. She is one of those people that you meet in your life, and you just have that feeling in your heart that no matter what happens and no matter where life leads you, the two of you will always be there for each other.
In the first few weeks that we lived together, our wonderful commonality was that we were genuinely spread too thin in the workplace. Jumping from each job stepping stone to the next, we constantly found ourselves saying a quick hello here and there and a quick good night at the end of an exhausting day.
Then we got an opportunity to talk. I was allowed into her world. She let her gate down, and welcomed me into the diversity of her life. This is a woman who has overwhelmed life's tragedy, family incongruencies, romantic burns and come out on the other end as a truly beautiful soul. She shares with me the insecurities of her mind and seeks advice when needed. It is amazing how wonderfully she blends being both a leader and a follower, one who shares and one who listens. She fills me with peace and shows me that despite life's turns and devastating speed bumps, there is hope.
We have a beautiful dynamic, I know that I can count on her to relax my mind, we can share each other's days just in the comfort of our kitchen with no expectation. Additionally, she listens. It is important...so important to listen to the world around you. We are at very similar places in our lives with allowing life to lead us, paying attention to what the world presents and using it to our advantage. She craves contribution as I do. She craves substance as I do. She craves knowledge as I do. I love that not only have I found this great person in my life, but I am honored that I get to live with her!

On the anniversary of her 30th year, I wish her the most glorious of days. May she lavish herself in comfort and find warmth in the people around her. She is beautiful, strong, and deserves absolutely everything good that comes her way.

why fear death?

For me when I think about death, fear isn't really so much the first emotion that visits me. Honestly it is more of sadness. Sadness for one main reason: life as I have known it, as Greer Van Dyck will be no more. Now this isn't to say that I am afraid of this fact, because I feel as though fearing an inevitability is wasted energy.

But I know that the fear of death is something that many people struggle with. People close to me in life are always talking about how they are afraid of death. But it makes me wonder: are they afraid of the process of dying, or the actual fact that their life as they know it is ending? For me, I would only assume that it is a combination of the two. I'm sure that fear of a painful or slow death is absolutely a common source of anxiety, paired along with the fact that the time after death is completely unknown.

And then there is where it is centered: fear of the unknown. Because we don't know EXACTLY how our cards are going to fall, we are afraid. I feel as though in many facets of life, we must know all details, have all of the information. But here we can't have it, so what do we do? We fear it. And we fear all that stands at death's feet.

I was doing some reading in preparation for my graduate program, jeez school hasn't even started and already there's homework, but there was a paragraph on the topic that part of the reasons we may fear death so much is because we see death as a complete separation from the earth. We are traveling millions of miles away when we die and being taken further and further from the things and people we love. But consider this, instead of approaching death as a definite separation, see it as a new connection with the earth. If you think about it, we really are becoming closer to the earth, so where is this premonition that we are being abducted in a sense?

For suddenly, when death is seen as more of a connection than a separation from familiarity and comfort, I am less afraid and less sad. It isn't a day that I fear now, but am more perplexed by and fascinated with.

Lesson: Death, like everyday we spend on this earth, is unknown. You have no idea where the rise and fall of the sun is going to lead you, who you are going meet along the way, and what you are going to learn. Yet we don't fear the day. Why? See death as a dawning of a new day, not the end of one.

diffusion of responsibility

I stumbled on a domestic violence quarrel the other day on my way home biking from work. I was two miles from my home, thinking about the grilled shrimp that I had so carefully placed in my bag, and the cocktail sauce that I was balancing in my left hand as I rode. Not good to eat and drive.

I heard some yelling, and couldn't really understand a lot of the words that were being said and it didn't seem as though things were venturing out of the realm of "blissful marital spat." So I continued on with my bike riding and shrimp balancing when I had a feeling that I should turn around. So, going with that gut, I did. And I came closer to quite a shocking scene.

There was a man standing outside of his car with both doors on the left side open. He was screaming horrible things at this woman who was lying half way on the ground but was moderately propped up by a tree. Blood was pouring out of his nose and he was screaming at her to get in the car. I looked down at her, and a woman, who was half naked was bleeding from her face and was trying desperately to see out of two bulging black eyes. Covered in blood (probably her own and the man's) from head to toe, I rushed toward her. Needless to say I was the only one who did this out of the 10 people who were standing within 5 feet of her. I immediately ditched my bike (and my shrimp), and came to her side only to find her drunk and stumbling to find words. I had gotten a good look at the man who had yelled obscenities at her before slamming both doors in her face and speeding off. The other 10 people who were standing around looked horrified...frozen. I immediately demanded that somebody call 911 because this woman needed medical help.

As this was happening, I mentioned to the people rather politely that because this woman was bleeding from her face, maybe someone could get a towel. As the phone calls were being made and the towels retrieved, I got down on her level. Looked into her bruised and bleeding face and got through to her. Asked her who had mistreated her, asked her where she lived, asked her what her name was. All I could get from her was that she didn't need medical help, that her boyfriend had harmed her, and that it was only bumps and bruises.

Before I could get much more out of her, the police came and took over.

So, there were many things racing through my head throughout this experience. First of all, how is it that 10 people were standing around and nobody did anything? They stared at her like she was a spectacle, something to be heckled. For me, I was seeing her not as a woman covered in bruises and blood, but somebody who wasn't that far from everybody else, who just needed help and had found herself down the wrong path, desperately in need of guidance. There was a HUGE diffusion of responsibility, everybody there thought that because so many people were around, somebody would do something. And I guess maybe they were waiting for someone like me to show up. To not treat her as anything but a fellow human being.

Also, as I was speaking with this woman, all I could think about was "How did you get here, how did you let your boyfriend do this to you, where did your life take a turn?" And I came to my own conclusions on those questions.

Lessons learned: When you see a fellow man in need, help. Do not be one of those people who "diffuses the responsibility" onto others. Be that person that people assume is helping make a situation better. Be good in all that you do, know that you ended each day doing everything you could to help others. We are all in this together, remember that. Know that everybody comes from somewhere, don't assume that their present condition makes them less than you are. Everyone has a history, tainted or not, and deserves acknowledgment. Take the time to rush to someone's aid.

letting life take the lead.

So I've started doing some babysitting for this little four year old girl (who is incredible), and her mother who is a massage therapist trades me babysitting hours for massages. Um. Thank you God. So I went over last night to take part in the introductions (which are huge in Boulder). The families are really into having me interact with the child for an hour or so while I chat with the parents, so they can feel comfortable that it is a good fit. More power to them. So I am sitting with this mother daughter duo, who have made so much of their life together. They are constant companions and the daughter, Aurora is this bright, vibrant, and very interested child, who is so eager to learn about the world and people around her.

So after going through the tooth brushing, story reading, water drinking, bedtime routine, I got into a pretty intense conversation with the mother as she was giving me a "massage sampler." I fell asleep toward the end. But needless to say before that happened, we started talking about our different lives, and the path she had been on, and how over the years she began describing the lesson of allowing life to present a path to her. She began talking about how she finally was able to let herself into her intuition and respect it.

I told her that I feel that many people need to learn to be led by life and not try so hard to lead it themselves. So many people in our world today are starved for some sense of control and power, that they try to overwhelm life through the own might. She had been shown many things in her life, and it wasn't until she was pregnant that she was able to see the paths and people that life was placing in front of her.

In my own personal life, I shared with her my battle with nursing. I let her into my need for control and how it took months for me to let go of my tight grip on the reigns. I told her that I took my nursing board 4 times. 4 TIMES before I was able to appreciate that maybe this was life's way of putting a barrier in front of me, saying that nursing probably isn't the best choice, that there are other things out there better suited for me. But I didn't listen until the 4th time and before that point I was determined to "overwhelm the test with hard work."

Lesson 40 billion: instead of trying to dictate life's course for you, why don't you let life take the lead. Let life present you with new challenges and new experiences. The signs are right in front of you and always have been, it is just a matter of you tapping into them, paying attention to them, and acknowledging them for their importance. There will be deviations in your path, this miracle called life wasn't meant to be seamless, but know that you are being directed in ways that will show you new light and expand you to new horizons.

four friends...

There are four best friends that reside under the umbrella of fear: inadequacy, danger, loneliness, and rejection. These four demons can make us feel completely separate from the world. But the truth of the matter is, these have as much power as we want to give them. We allow our minds to let these four best friends dominate our world, and prevent us from living a more open and transformable existence.

For me, I can relate to these four foes. These four anomalies have at one point or another dominated. Inadequacy, case and point why I cheated through most of college. I was unable to let go of my fear of inadequacy to be the best. I was afraid of not getting where I wanted to go professionally, didn't feel as though I was good enough to get the job done, so I sought out help. But didn't ask for the help, I took it selfishly. Inadequacy can penetrate deep into your heart and will wrap its tentacles around you and hold strong. One day, it came to me. If I need help, I need to ask for it. I am not going to take it without an approval. And so I saw from that point, that my FEAR of inadequacy was guiding my mind and spirit. No more.

Danger. How many times have you said no to something because you felt it was too dangerous? I was also talking to a friend about this one day...he is a professional rock climber, and I asked him if there were times in his climbing when he took the "unsafe risk." And he responded with, well there are definitely times when I have felt so lucky that I'm still alive. So I guess then you would say yes. So what is the point in taking the un-necessary risk in life? There are differences in taking risks, saying yes to everything, but maintaining a level of caution. Then there are those people who are so adamant about being a "risk taker" that they don't take safety into consideration. But also, there are people who are the complete opposite, and say no to everything because they are fearful of the danger involved. Solution? Find a healthy balance. Sky dive with a parachute. And a guide. And a prayer.

Loneliness. Biggie for me. Throughout nursing school, I was unable to admit that I was lonely. What is fascinating is that you can be surrounded by people, yet still feel lonely. And boy did I. I was lonely every day. No matter what my company was. I was afraid of admitting to myself that I was lonely. One main thought would circle in my head, "Greer has never been lonely before, therefore can't be lonely now." Eek. Get a life. Embrace loneliness when it knocks on your door. Welcome it in, and try and understand where the void lies. Fill that void in a healthy fashion (literature, nature, family, dear friends).

Fear of rejection. Academically speaking, I was always afraid of rejection, afraid of not getting into the school I wanted to get into, afraid of failing a test, afraid of being caught. But in other realms of life, this was one card I wasn't dealt. I am not going to let these moments pass me by because I'm afraid of hearing a no. Try it, rejection doesn't put you anywhere other than where you started.

SO. Here are your four lessons for today: 1) know in your heart that your sense of adequacy can only come from within. If you find yourself feeling below anyone or anything, try and understand the root of these thoughts and counter act them with positivity. Know that each individual is a unique commodity and holds strength and beauty that far resides far below the surface. 2) take risks. Take safe risks, but always say yes. Don't find yourself regretting turning something down, because you knew it would make you remotely uncomfortable. Isn't that the ultimate goal for our emotional well being, to try and be comfortable with being uncomfortable? 3) loneliness isn't a weakness, loneliness is you eager to fill a void. Don't ever be afraid to admit to being lonely. It is a higher level of self actualization, so really it is you becoming more connecting with your inner being. 4) Rejection makes you stronger, if we never felt rejection, then we aren't shooting high enough in this life. Rejection merely means that you are reaching and striving for the best that you can be.

grammar of my fears

How is is that someone can take a negative experience and not allow it to seep into the present and future? This particular notion can exist in many of life's arenas. For a dear friend of mine, she has been bruised and battered by inconsiderate men. Men who were romantic figures in her life lived out the infamous trend of belittling her, making her feel inadequate, and leaving her scarred. This is a vicious cycle feeding on itself, and then someone finds themselves locked into a relationship that has truly changed them as a person...and not for the better. And unfortunately, she finds herself struggling with present and future romances. She covers her battle scars, raises her guard, and has a very tough time allowing herself to be vulnerable and open. Understandably too. Why would one place themselves in harms way? Additionally though, the line is very gray. There should be a sense of self protection, there should be a guard up, but then again, why should this man be punished for past abuse? So how do you protect and how do you open? How do you find the good balance of security and trust? As I told her, being verbally open and allowing him to know what you are feeling and thinking is critical. For if he doesn't know your past and doesn't appreciate where you've been, how will he know where to nurture you?

How many times though are you willing to make the choice to let you guard down, allow yourself to become vulnerable, trust that person, only to be burned? I think we are willing to do it many more times than we think. Because at the heart of us, we want that companionship and passion. We want to feel that fire with another, but we don't want to relive the nightmare of the past.

I think there is a good point in reflecting on your particular pattern. There is a certain kind of person that each of us are attracted to. There are qualities that we look for, qualities that we find unattractive or attractive, and qualities that we must have present in order to be content with a partner. There is an element of it though where we are so craving that person in our lives that we overlook those negative characteristics, because "the person has so much good."

For me, I struggle with the emotional tug of war of past relationships. The men I have dated in the past have all been such good men. But for various reasons, chemistry wasn't there, the characteristics I held high weren't present, and amicably there was a parting of the ways. And then time will pass, I will start to date again, and find myself surrounded by men who in comparison weren't as "good." And I would crawl back. And I would only notice it after I had been taken back into the arms of good, and I would find myself dissatisfied for the same reasons for our parting. So there is my battle. Advice here: don't go back to what is comfortable and good, just because you don't have it in your life. Be patient. I went through this cycle many times before I realized what I was doing, and have since become much more aware and able to stop myself. But the strength of the heart is fierce, and the need for a partner is real.

So here is your lesson for today: well two lessons in one. Do not let your past become your present. Allow yourself to become vulnerable each time but do also keep your mind sharp. Look out for dangers and qualities that can hurt you. Become savvy and understand the demons are there. They are powerful, but can be avoided. So let yourself open. Also, don't revert back to old comfort because you feel a void. Fill that void with other beauty and satisfaction. You are growing each day, so why cut your own stem short?

A quote by Kahlil Gibran: And let today embrace the past with remembrance and the future with longing.

take the chance

I was speaking with a dear friend the other day, talking about how my move to Boulder has changed me in so many ways. I feel as though this move has opened my mind and heart to a completely new way of life, despite the fact that it isn't even really that far from my hometown of Athens, GA. I have become very appreciative of taking your health seriously both for the mind and body, I have understood the power of healing, I have seen the beauty of nature, and I have explored new land.

In the health arena, I have discovered that our bodies are our shrines. They are beautiful and should be taken care of. I have discussed with people the importance of taking into consideration what we put into our bodies. We should appreciate the complexity of what lies underneath our skin, and should marvel at the vastness of our living mechanism. In order to keep that mechanism working properly, we should absolutely not take it for granted. Now that doesn't mean taking one path and following it to the depths with no deviation, but it does mean gaining an awareness of the preciousness of our bodies. Now for the mind, I am learning the importance of holding it in the highest of priorities. Our minds are the powerful force that guides the course of life and should be protected. I feel as though our emotional strength and state is sometimes shoved under the rug, and not given the attention it is due. So give it attention, love on your body and mind, read on practices and measures that can be exercised to enhance their quality.

The power of healing...this has been huge since I have moved to Boulder. I have been introduced to an entire world of alternative healing practice that I never knew existed. I have gained an appreciation for holistic methods and have utilized them in ways that I feel are applicable to my life. There is so much about the bodies own ability to cope that I feel so many people in our culture haven't begun to tap into. I love that there is so much strength within me that I never knew existed. It is in everybody, it is just a matter of searching for it.

The exploration of the west has given me such an appreciation for nature and its endless bounty. We have such a miraculous country in our hands that has yet to be discovered. The natural beauty of the west has given me a truly felt connection and I feel inclined to place myself deep within it on a daily basis. The solace I have found there is remarkable. Tap into it.

Since my move to Boulder, people have been shocked and surprised that I have stayed as long as I have. But I have no intention of going, for the gifts that I have mentioned have given me so much room for expansion. I want to expand my mind and body, I want to be one with nature, I want to explore new lands. For with every new discovery comes inner growth.

Lesson for today: venture out, take that chance, do the unexpected. For with each opportunity that you do take, lessons are learned, gifts come, and life presents you with amazing new paths.

when is enough enough?

I find myself standing in the middle of the world surrounded by people who are constantly building up and releasing pressure. Not necessarily pressure coming from other people, but all of it that comes from within. Pressure can exist in the form of frustration or preoccupation. Pressure can be something as simple as forcing yourself to complete that workout (which isn't always a negative), pursuing a career for the expectation of your parents, marrying the person others really want you to be with, or even cheating your way through school (wink wink). You can't see it directly, but you can see its effect and you can feel it.

I was meeting with a woman yesterday who has completed the masters program that I am about to start. She is going to be not only a fantastic friend in my life outside of the counseling world, but she is going to be an exquisite mentor. She completed the program when she was around 30, so she entered into this realm a little bit later than I, but I found after yesterday that we share so much in common. We relished in our individual experiences and our own epiphanies that brought us where we are today. She came to so many harsh realities that terrified her. We exchanged stories and got on the topic of humans and how we are conditioned to survive. It is quite remarkable how many hits someone can take, battle through the devastation and emerge on the other end still breathing.

For me, 2008 has been a year full of hits. A brutal concentration of loss I have suffered, but through the midst of it, through the tears and suffering, I knew that no matter what, I would survive it. I had no expectation of being a stoic, and knew that I would wear my sadness on my sleeve. I have watched over the past few months with diligence the family members of those passed and have been completely taken by their courage. The stamina of a mother who is able to walk by her precious daughter's room and not collapse in the doorway, the sister of the man who is able to continue her job teaching and enlightening young minds, the father who spends his birthday at the hospital bedside of his beloved...all of these things tell me one simple thing:

Humans are survivors. In my experience, just when you think you are able to withstand no more of the devastating storm of life, the dark clouds appear, and fear envelops your heart.

Lesson for today: Don't be intimidated by the unpredictability of life. Relish in the unknown. Know that deep within you lies a strength and courage 100 times as strong as you ever imagined. Don't ever doubt that each one of us has an ability to move mountains. So when you find yourself fatigued, hopeless, desperate to ask the unanswerable questions, look within. The strength you need and more are all in there.

do we want the past or future to be our present?

Coolest girl in town. No doubt. She is beautiful, utterly imperfect but PRETTY close to perfect, pretty and sizzling hot. All of this is enclosed in my chubs, my dearest life long companion. Yes, this is her in the picture. She is absolutely incredible. She is a mover and a shaker, she is domineering and subtle, she is miraculous and fierce. I love her so dearly. Well, we were on gchat (welcome to my use of downtime) and as we started on what would be one of my top ten favorite gchat conversations, we dove head first into the thick of it. (How else can you dive really...a dive isn't a dive unless its head first right?). Whoops.

We share many things in common, the love of tangerines at night, cheesy fairy tales, beautiful camping trips, long hikes (which we both actually hate but were forced to comply), playing mailbox, we love vintage clothing, we love quoting movies, good food, good company, theater...the list does go on. But as of late, we have shared something more profound and demanding of our spirits. We have lost one of our dearest pieces of our hearts, our beloved Eve Carson. The two of us have experienced quite an amount of tragedy this year so far, and she has just recently suffered an additional loss. What it tells me about Amy is this: she is learning her body. She is learning her heart and mind and the relationship they have to her aura. She is discovering tragedy and is demanding solace. As am I.

We filtered through some of our statuses of personal coping, I expressed frustrations I was having and she shared with me where she was. It is truly amazing, we are on opposite sides of the country, but our hearts and minds are cycling through processing all of this in quite the mirrored fashion. It is pretty remarkable. Sooooo...in shifting topics in our conversation, we started discussing the reality of people and their preoccupation with both the past and the future, but rarely ever the present. But we discovered quite an interesting thing between the two of us.

I hold onto the past, she mires over the future. My experiences in nursing school prevented me from accepting my past as simply that...my past. Not my present. But my past for two years was my present. For days, weeks, and months I looked in the mirror and felt ashamed of my past. Didn't feel appreciative of my present, but ashamed at who I had been. I couldn't allow myself to be forgiven that quickly--it was too thick for that. But is there really a definitive line of self loathing? Is there a specific point in the learning process where we have adequately been punished to in fact then move on? I don't think so. I think it is all based on intuition. For me, I was so embarrassed of my actions that I didn't move on until I felt it was time. And it wasn't two years later that it was time. So yes I have moved on, not forgotten, but am not clinging. I appreciate where I am now, love my honor, appreciate the truth of my day, and am thankful of the steps I had to take to get there.

For Amy though, she battles the exact opposite. We were discussing this exercise of being mindful (ever present in the moment) and how it is so good because it is SO HARD. The hardest challenges in my mind are the most beneficial. Living in the present doesn't mean disregarding the importance of actions in their consequences, it merely means taking those hard earned lessons and the gifts you've received from them, and using them in your present moments. Not dwelling on past choices, but using knowledge to apply elsewhere.

Amy believes that because our lives are so forwardly inclined, that our minds can't help but be in the future. Which is a good point. But then again, she feels as though an integral part of loving and being loved is anticipating. And we all act based on ways to protect ourselves. We all are our own nurturers.

So the lesson here is this: live as much in the present as you can. Be in the moment. Do take what you have gained from the past, use the battles you have fought, the tears you have cried, the lessons you have learned and apply them to your every day. Look to the future yes, but don't base your decisions always on the anticipation of what is to come. So the bottom line is this: take heed, live in the present, use the past and use the future, but flourish in the sunlight of today.