grammar of my fears

How is is that someone can take a negative experience and not allow it to seep into the present and future? This particular notion can exist in many of life's arenas. For a dear friend of mine, she has been bruised and battered by inconsiderate men. Men who were romantic figures in her life lived out the infamous trend of belittling her, making her feel inadequate, and leaving her scarred. This is a vicious cycle feeding on itself, and then someone finds themselves locked into a relationship that has truly changed them as a person...and not for the better. And unfortunately, she finds herself struggling with present and future romances. She covers her battle scars, raises her guard, and has a very tough time allowing herself to be vulnerable and open. Understandably too. Why would one place themselves in harms way? Additionally though, the line is very gray. There should be a sense of self protection, there should be a guard up, but then again, why should this man be punished for past abuse? So how do you protect and how do you open? How do you find the good balance of security and trust? As I told her, being verbally open and allowing him to know what you are feeling and thinking is critical. For if he doesn't know your past and doesn't appreciate where you've been, how will he know where to nurture you?

How many times though are you willing to make the choice to let you guard down, allow yourself to become vulnerable, trust that person, only to be burned? I think we are willing to do it many more times than we think. Because at the heart of us, we want that companionship and passion. We want to feel that fire with another, but we don't want to relive the nightmare of the past.

I think there is a good point in reflecting on your particular pattern. There is a certain kind of person that each of us are attracted to. There are qualities that we look for, qualities that we find unattractive or attractive, and qualities that we must have present in order to be content with a partner. There is an element of it though where we are so craving that person in our lives that we overlook those negative characteristics, because "the person has so much good."

For me, I struggle with the emotional tug of war of past relationships. The men I have dated in the past have all been such good men. But for various reasons, chemistry wasn't there, the characteristics I held high weren't present, and amicably there was a parting of the ways. And then time will pass, I will start to date again, and find myself surrounded by men who in comparison weren't as "good." And I would crawl back. And I would only notice it after I had been taken back into the arms of good, and I would find myself dissatisfied for the same reasons for our parting. So there is my battle. Advice here: don't go back to what is comfortable and good, just because you don't have it in your life. Be patient. I went through this cycle many times before I realized what I was doing, and have since become much more aware and able to stop myself. But the strength of the heart is fierce, and the need for a partner is real.

So here is your lesson for today: well two lessons in one. Do not let your past become your present. Allow yourself to become vulnerable each time but do also keep your mind sharp. Look out for dangers and qualities that can hurt you. Become savvy and understand the demons are there. They are powerful, but can be avoided. So let yourself open. Also, don't revert back to old comfort because you feel a void. Fill that void with other beauty and satisfaction. You are growing each day, so why cut your own stem short?

A quote by Kahlil Gibran: And let today embrace the past with remembrance and the future with longing.