Coolest girl in town. No doubt. She is beautiful, utterly imperfect but PRETTY close to perfect, pretty and sizzling hot. All of this is enclosed in my chubs, my dearest life long companion. Yes, this is her in the picture. She is absolutely incredible. She is a mover and a shaker, she is domineering and subtle, she is miraculous and fierce. I love her so dearly. Well, we were on gchat (welcome to my use of downtime) and as we started on what would be one of my top ten favorite gchat conversations, we dove head first into the thick of it. (How else can you dive really...a dive isn't a dive unless its head first right?). Whoops.
We share many things in common, the love of tangerines at night, cheesy fairy tales, beautiful camping trips, long hikes (which we both actually hate but were forced to comply), playing mailbox, we love vintage clothing, we love quoting movies, good food, good company, theater...the list does go on. But as of late, we have shared something more profound and demanding of our spirits. We have lost one of our dearest pieces of our hearts, our beloved Eve Carson. The two of us have experienced quite an amount of tragedy this year so far, and she has just recently suffered an additional loss. What it tells me about Amy is this: she is learning her body. She is learning her heart and mind and the relationship they have to her aura. She is discovering tragedy and is demanding solace. As am I.
We filtered through some of our statuses of personal coping, I expressed frustrations I was having and she shared with me where she was. It is truly amazing, we are on opposite sides of the country, but our hearts and minds are cycling through processing all of this in quite the mirrored fashion. It is pretty remarkable. Sooooo...in shifting topics in our conversation, we started discussing the reality of people and their preoccupation with both the past and the future, but rarely ever the present. But we discovered quite an interesting thing between the two of us.
I hold onto the past, she mires over the future. My experiences in nursing school prevented me from accepting my past as simply that...my past. Not my present. But my past for two years was my present. For days, weeks, and months I looked in the mirror and felt ashamed of my past. Didn't feel appreciative of my present, but ashamed at who I had been. I couldn't allow myself to be forgiven that quickly--it was too thick for that. But is there really a definitive line of self loathing? Is there a specific point in the learning process where we have adequately been punished to in fact then move on? I don't think so. I think it is all based on intuition. For me, I was so embarrassed of my actions that I didn't move on until I felt it was time. And it wasn't two years later that it was time. So yes I have moved on, not forgotten, but am not clinging. I appreciate where I am now, love my honor, appreciate the truth of my day, and am thankful of the steps I had to take to get there.
For Amy though, she battles the exact opposite. We were discussing this exercise of being mindful (ever present in the moment) and how it is so good because it is SO HARD. The hardest challenges in my mind are the most beneficial. Living in the present doesn't mean disregarding the importance of actions in their consequences, it merely means taking those hard earned lessons and the gifts you've received from them, and using them in your present moments. Not dwelling on past choices, but using knowledge to apply elsewhere.
Amy believes that because our lives are so forwardly inclined, that our minds can't help but be in the future. Which is a good point. But then again, she feels as though an integral part of loving and being loved is anticipating. And we all act based on ways to protect ourselves. We all are our own nurturers.
So the lesson here is this: live as much in the present as you can. Be in the moment. Do take what you have gained from the past, use the battles you have fought, the tears you have cried, the lessons you have learned and apply them to your every day. Look to the future yes, but don't base your decisions always on the anticipation of what is to come. So the bottom line is this: take heed, live in the present, use the past and use the future, but flourish in the sunlight of today.
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