i didn't forget...

I will write this week...keep reading.

striving yet still fearful

A focus of mine for the last few months has been really opening to my eyes to who I am and why I operate in the Greer fashion. I have had so much desire lately to discover and rediscover parts of myself, curious about certain behavior patterns and interested as to where their roots are embedded.

I have seen that understandably much of who I am stems from my parents. Those influences have allowed me to appreciate the power of hard work, the power of relationship, the value of support, and the importance of love.

However, from many areas of influence, familial and outside of the nuclear unit, I have been conditioned in a way to be a certain kind of person. And just now am I realizing the power of those influences, and just how strong 23 years of habit can be. Now I am striving toward authenticity. At the end of my day, I don't want to behave in manners that don't express my truest and deepest nature. So many parts of my being are habitual, so many elements of my existence are a product of information from someone or something else and just now am I craving to create my own solid being.

For myself, this kind of realization is horrible and wonderful. It feels real and appropriate to be striving in this way, but it is also enabling me to acknowledge that significant parts of me aren't. I work to the point of exhaustion, I place myself in situations sometimes based on how they look to others, I am proud and stoic when I don't want to be, I get impatient. And yes all of these things are real emotions I am not saying that they aren't, but they come from a place of expectation...of myself and of others.

I want to live out my day without one eye on the clock and one foot out the door. I want to be present and available to others, I want to spend my free time doing exactly what feels right, and I want to appreciate the relationships in my life for the joy and expansion that they bring to my world. I think for so long I have been afraid of being exactly who I am. I have feared that people wouldn't accept me or that I would end up alone. But that mentality just makes me feel lonelier on the inside.

I strive now to be real. I am not going to be afraid of rejection...I am going to fall asleep each night with no regrets of being false.

tap, knock, boom

Everybody has a past. Everybody has experiences or behaviors that they aren't proud of, myself included. The world though has this remarkable way I have found of providing signals to us in order to open our awareness to what we are doing and the effects that it has on ourselves and those around us.

There was a particular reading assignment, where I was introduced to the "tap tap, knock knock, boom boom" theory...in essence stating that the world will provide these opportunities for us to gain insight into our experience and additionally a chance for us to break toxic habits. It will start with "taps," then if the action continues, the world will give various "knocks," which will be higher in intensity, and then after time if the behavior is becoming so intense and pervasive almost to an overwhelming point, the world will supply "booms" which are the ultimate and most powerful indication that change is needed.

Initially behavior can begin with small infractions: for me, it was cheating here and there on various tests in high school in the midst of being unmotivated about school, but not wanting to fail. And my first tap was being called in front of the judiciary board (but I came to find out that it was for a separate reason). But even the process of being in front of a panel of my fellow students advocating honor sent my anxiety and awareness of my actions to the forefront of my attention.

Over the next couple of years, the world provided me many taps...testing regimens that would be geared at students being UNABLE to cheat, formats that would prevent sharing of information, and unpredictable seating arrangements. Now on reflection, the world was making desperate attempts to show me that this habitual pattern I had woven myself into was damaging me daily. And I spent so much energy into being paranoid of being discovered, anxious over not being able to cheat, and avoiding all acknowledgment within myself. The world was trying to make my life easier, and I wouldn't have it.

I remember my "boom" more profoundly than a lot of experiences in my life. After having cheated for so long, admitting to myself and others that I was finished, resuming immediately, and continuing forward as though no progress had been made, I had an unexplainable physical experience. My boom came after one particular test, and I left the classroom feeling more shameful than ever before in my life...and it was incredible. My boom came from within.

It was a physical breakdown, it was an emotional melt, it was a mental shift. And that was my lesson. It took me officially to the BOOM STAGE for me to understand that my actions weren't sustaining in the realm of Greer.

Therefore, listen to the tap taps, the knock knocks, and when the boom booms arrive, be careful. The world is available to lead and shape us, it is just a matter of us opening our eyes to it.

its all about delivery

I have learned a valuable lesson today...shocker :-)

Many times when I have had interactions with other people and there have been conflicts, a trend of mine has been to approach people as though I would want to be approached. I am someone who is comfortable with confrontation and insists on honesty. I pride myself in making people feel comfortable enough around me to approach me with anything, and therefore throughout my life I have taken on the role of handling people in the same manner as I would like to be handled.

And over the past few months, I am learning the importance of understanding many things relating to conflict. I am learning to examine my audience, who I am speaking to and appreciating how they would like to be approached.

An important factor to consider here is having both parties' needs met. If I approach someone who doesn't appreciate confrontation, I should find a healthy balance between saying exactly what I need to say and making sure that the other party is nurtured.

I know this because I went through deliberation between myself and a person very dear to my heart. I had been confronted with an issue between the two of us, and for about 2 weeks I planned in my head how I would confront him. But I realized through that period of time how all of my solutions were ways in which I would want to be approached. And until I came to an awareness of him disconnecting from me as I approached him, I saw in me the importance of dual care.

So I think of it to be critical, approach people you are in conflict with in a caring and nurturing manner. Allow the other person to be relaxed in their reception of the information, and always make sure that you are able to say exactly what you need to say.

underpromise and overdeliver

A standard that I strive for is underpromising and overdelivering. This is a mentality that surrounds various facets of my life: mainly my work environment, friendships, and school.

With my work environment, I feel as though it has been quite a struggle for me to achieve this on a regular basis. There are so many days where I feel like I am being spread too thin (maybe wasn't such a great idea to accept those 3 part time jobs), and I barely have the effort to just "promise and deliver." No "-under or -over" involved. And it becomes a vicious cycle, I see that my promises are trumping my delivery and I become frustrated with myself, questioning my abilities and capabilities, but more than that sad that I don't know my limitations on when enough is enough.

Life has been tumultuous for me lately, the one year anniversary of my dear friend Eve has brought me back to that day, and I am reliving the shock and horror of unexplainable tragedy. I have discovered that through this preoccupation, my ability to deliver has waned. I am forgetful all of a sudden, and "Greer is never forgetful." Here is where my controlling nature tends to rear its demon eyes at me...for I become so hard on myself for forgetting, instead of being soft around my tenderness and vulnerability. It is a balance I am learning to strike, so now when I forget things, I accept that I have, and move forward. But always in my work I am striving to underpromise and overdeliver. I know I will get there.

Friendships...I pride myself on nurturing. It is a difficult thing for me to say no to friends, I crave that support from others, and so in return I live it as wholly as possible. It is a good feeling to go a step and beyond for the people that I live, so I feel this phrase ties in well with my own life. It feels natural for me to go the distance, because I want those people around me to know just how much I care.

School wasn't always a treat for me. When I graduated from nursing school, I had it burned in my brain that I would never be in the classroom again. And after a year separated from my experiences in undergraduate and being given an opportunity to do some self exploration, I entered into counseling psychology. And here is where I feel I overdeliver, and not because I want to impress, but because I love the subject matter.

So in essence, I feel it is a good way to live...underpromise but overdeliver.

a guide for the soul

I used to be very afraid of sadness. I feel like I never experienced true sadness until nursing school. I was compromised and because of my actions I was faced with what I had considered the most intense emotional state. All of a sudden, and without appropriate resources to really handle what I was being confronted with, I melted internally and stopped sleeping (in a nutshell). But more than anything, what I do remember from that entire experience was completely rejecting any real conscious admittance of negatively charged emotions, primarily loneliness and sadness.

It took me three months to even be able to write down the words, "I am lonely." Things would circle in my head, thoughts such as "I don't get lonely, I am never sad so I can't be now" and I would acknowledge them as true. I would believe my superficiality and fear regarding what embracing those emotions meant, and I was scared of the energy required in having them as part of me. Additionally, and honestly I didn't want people to see me sad.

It is a hard thing to admit that to the entire blog audience, but I feel like that brought me to where I am today.

So as life progressed forward, I was able to admit to myself that I was sad and lonely and that I needed support. I felt though that no emotions could challenge those that I felt in nursing school. Until this year.

This year provided me a level of sadness that I didn't know possible. It is a void that eats to my core, and is something that I fully embrace as part of my life. I feel like the more sadness I can contain, the more joy I can hold. And so as of right now, I use sadness as a guide.

The sadness that I feel helps me understand and care for my soul. It allows me to understand what my needs are and helps me understand my inner workings. And if I listen to that sadness, and pay attention to the exact needs that are truest to my nature, I discover more about what Greer IS and not what Greer SHOULD BE.

It is a guide, sadness is not something to be feared or turned against, it is something to be embraced. So I embrace it in order to become better friends with me.

do the differences really make a difference?

I have learned an important aspect of romantic relationships that has stuck with me prominently and has been an ongoing lesson especially as of late.

All of us clearly have "a type" or so we think, people of the opposite or same sex that seem to attract us initially and who we feel serve as a beautiful partner. And I have really been on both sides of the track here, and have explored dating men with whom I have had totally common interests and men with whom I shared none. Both were incredible learning experiences, but I have found one particularly interesting element that had stopped me from dating men with less common interests: people warned me about these external differences which would pose problems in the future and for those uncrossing paths there would never be true commonality.

So in my last few years, I have somewhat avoided men that didn't completely fit a mold because I was disinterested in justifying my choices, for defending the differences to people who I knew and loved, etc...but what seems to be a more common thread throughout it all is that I had this preconceived conception of how happiness was achieved and how relationships truly worked at the end of the day.

But what was it that I was really afraid of, when I would choose men who were seemingly similar to me, at least on paper? I was afraid of being with someone so different from me, because I convinced myself that it was unworkable.

And a recent experience in my world here in Boulder has reiterated the important place that I feel I am in my life right now. For many years, I have maintained the premise that those external differences play a much more minor role than people think. Those differences have blinded people from experiencing outside of comfort zones and have prevented people from living a life outside of expectation. To me it seems unfortunate that we are convinced that we should be of people who are completely like minded.

For me, I seek out those men who I don't necessarily feel fit a mold, whatever that means. I find it so intriguing when I am attracted to a man unexpectedly and that our relationship fills a part of me that I didn't even know existed.

Those differences are a true testament that a connection between two people, and a genuine respect and love are present without extraneous structural differences. Seek out those who make you happy and you will find happiness within.

a year of gifts

January 1st seems to be the obvious and most expected opportunity for reflection, motivation for change, and it gives each one of us the chance to wipe the slate clean to start anew.

I have always followed this same mentality, even since I was a young child…forming my own “new years resolutions” which always seemed to revolve around brutal recognition of bad habits, and optimisms to change them.

Suddenly though I am finding that my new year manifests as a different cut of cloth. My new year did not begin on January 1st. My new year began on March 5th, 2008. This was the day that my dear and cherished friend, Eve Marie Carson lost her life.

As “my year” comes to a close, for her sake I want to reflect on all the gifts that have accompanied my most transformative days. Because of her:

I learned to cherish each day to its fullest. Carpe Diem, a phrase I used to mock because I felt it was so cliché has proven to be a pillar of strength for me. Eve craved and demanded depth from her life and in every moment she lived there was an opportunity to learn from herself, from others, and from the world around her. She has opened my eyes to a brilliance of depth and sanctity that lies in this complex world. Now, I use each breath that I have as an opportunity to learn and be taught, to give and be nurtured, and to expose myself and be exposed to new ideas. She taught me to fly.

I learned to be in relationship with the people around me and to crave authenticity. Before Eve’s death, I can say generally speaking that I maintained a pretty cognitive and intellectualized relationship to myself and to the people around me. Not to say in the slightest that I wasn’t emotional, but I didn’t feel as deeply propelled to “dive deep” into the richness of people and places until Eve passed. She had the remarkable and unique ability, even at such a young ripe age to live her feelings. She wasn’t scared of the stigmas looming around “negatively charged emotions” such as sadness, terror, and anxiety. She lived her emotional state and felt comfortable in expressing to those around her the honesty of her inner workings. I was her silent student, always gathering information on her ability to be vulnerable. Thank you for teaching me Eve.

I learned to acknowledge and express my own needs. I have always taken on the role of the nurturer. In my life, my joy and satisfaction usually stemmed from adhering and fulfilling the needs of those around me. I see nothing wrong with this reality, but it is when I discovered that my drive to help others blinded me from meeting my own and even knowing my own needs that I felt unrest. Eve’s death has brought me to a place of self-care in my life that I don’t think I otherwise would have embraced at this point. Her death has made me realize that I have needs just as those around me do, and that at the end of the day, if I can’t help myself then I can’t help others. Thank you Eve, for helping me learn to take care of myself.

I learned patience and grace. Before March 5th, 2008, I was rigid and strict on myself in various ways. Always with one eye on the clock and one foot out the door, I was never fully present. Always impatient if others were late, always frustrated if things didn’t go according to “my plan.” Eve, you have enabled me to understand that “my plan” doesn’t exist. Life isn’t about being in control, for control itself is an illusion. So as you exited the world as I always knew you, my impatience and hostility went with you. Thank you Eve for enabling me to be easy on my day, and thank you for trusting in the world to provide for me.

I learned to be a true giver. I read in a recent school text that there are both genuine and false givers. The genuine giver is someone who extends themselves in a myriad of ways without any expectation of returned favors or any impression of status. A false giver is an individual who extends him or herself with the intention of it improving their identity in a relationship or community and always with the hope of receiving in one form or another. Before Eve, I would say that there were elements of a false giver in me. I can admit that I would give with the notion that it was improving my status or identity and that I hoped somewhere in the future the favor would be returned. Eve was the quintessential genuine giver. There was no intellectualization associated with giving; it was just in her nature to extend. Eve, you have made me into a true giver. I wasn’t able to see the difference in the two, but your foot tracks that you have left all over my life have shown me.

I learned to live. As I reflect, Eve has taught me to live. There are many other gifts that she has opened my eyes to, but I feel as though these are the hallmarks right now of my existence. She has taught me to not be anchored down by experience, and she has shown me the value of demanding depth out of my day. She has taught me to have genuine interest in the people and the world around me and because of her I don’t just go through the motions. Thank you for allowing me to soar Eve, I would never have been able to do it without you.

As I come to the closing of “my year,” I smile. I smile with remembrance and gratitude. I appreciate my life and feel truly humbled by the days I have been given on this earth. A new year is starting tomorrow and with that comes the opportunity for rebirth.

until later this week...

I will be traveling to GA Wednesday and will blog then...keep checking.