tap, knock, boom

Everybody has a past. Everybody has experiences or behaviors that they aren't proud of, myself included. The world though has this remarkable way I have found of providing signals to us in order to open our awareness to what we are doing and the effects that it has on ourselves and those around us.

There was a particular reading assignment, where I was introduced to the "tap tap, knock knock, boom boom" theory...in essence stating that the world will provide these opportunities for us to gain insight into our experience and additionally a chance for us to break toxic habits. It will start with "taps," then if the action continues, the world will give various "knocks," which will be higher in intensity, and then after time if the behavior is becoming so intense and pervasive almost to an overwhelming point, the world will supply "booms" which are the ultimate and most powerful indication that change is needed.

Initially behavior can begin with small infractions: for me, it was cheating here and there on various tests in high school in the midst of being unmotivated about school, but not wanting to fail. And my first tap was being called in front of the judiciary board (but I came to find out that it was for a separate reason). But even the process of being in front of a panel of my fellow students advocating honor sent my anxiety and awareness of my actions to the forefront of my attention.

Over the next couple of years, the world provided me many taps...testing regimens that would be geared at students being UNABLE to cheat, formats that would prevent sharing of information, and unpredictable seating arrangements. Now on reflection, the world was making desperate attempts to show me that this habitual pattern I had woven myself into was damaging me daily. And I spent so much energy into being paranoid of being discovered, anxious over not being able to cheat, and avoiding all acknowledgment within myself. The world was trying to make my life easier, and I wouldn't have it.

I remember my "boom" more profoundly than a lot of experiences in my life. After having cheated for so long, admitting to myself and others that I was finished, resuming immediately, and continuing forward as though no progress had been made, I had an unexplainable physical experience. My boom came after one particular test, and I left the classroom feeling more shameful than ever before in my life...and it was incredible. My boom came from within.

It was a physical breakdown, it was an emotional melt, it was a mental shift. And that was my lesson. It took me officially to the BOOM STAGE for me to understand that my actions weren't sustaining in the realm of Greer.

Therefore, listen to the tap taps, the knock knocks, and when the boom booms arrive, be careful. The world is available to lead and shape us, it is just a matter of us opening our eyes to it.