a year of gifts

January 1st seems to be the obvious and most expected opportunity for reflection, motivation for change, and it gives each one of us the chance to wipe the slate clean to start anew.

I have always followed this same mentality, even since I was a young child…forming my own “new years resolutions” which always seemed to revolve around brutal recognition of bad habits, and optimisms to change them.

Suddenly though I am finding that my new year manifests as a different cut of cloth. My new year did not begin on January 1st. My new year began on March 5th, 2008. This was the day that my dear and cherished friend, Eve Marie Carson lost her life.

As “my year” comes to a close, for her sake I want to reflect on all the gifts that have accompanied my most transformative days. Because of her:

I learned to cherish each day to its fullest. Carpe Diem, a phrase I used to mock because I felt it was so cliché has proven to be a pillar of strength for me. Eve craved and demanded depth from her life and in every moment she lived there was an opportunity to learn from herself, from others, and from the world around her. She has opened my eyes to a brilliance of depth and sanctity that lies in this complex world. Now, I use each breath that I have as an opportunity to learn and be taught, to give and be nurtured, and to expose myself and be exposed to new ideas. She taught me to fly.

I learned to be in relationship with the people around me and to crave authenticity. Before Eve’s death, I can say generally speaking that I maintained a pretty cognitive and intellectualized relationship to myself and to the people around me. Not to say in the slightest that I wasn’t emotional, but I didn’t feel as deeply propelled to “dive deep” into the richness of people and places until Eve passed. She had the remarkable and unique ability, even at such a young ripe age to live her feelings. She wasn’t scared of the stigmas looming around “negatively charged emotions” such as sadness, terror, and anxiety. She lived her emotional state and felt comfortable in expressing to those around her the honesty of her inner workings. I was her silent student, always gathering information on her ability to be vulnerable. Thank you for teaching me Eve.

I learned to acknowledge and express my own needs. I have always taken on the role of the nurturer. In my life, my joy and satisfaction usually stemmed from adhering and fulfilling the needs of those around me. I see nothing wrong with this reality, but it is when I discovered that my drive to help others blinded me from meeting my own and even knowing my own needs that I felt unrest. Eve’s death has brought me to a place of self-care in my life that I don’t think I otherwise would have embraced at this point. Her death has made me realize that I have needs just as those around me do, and that at the end of the day, if I can’t help myself then I can’t help others. Thank you Eve, for helping me learn to take care of myself.

I learned patience and grace. Before March 5th, 2008, I was rigid and strict on myself in various ways. Always with one eye on the clock and one foot out the door, I was never fully present. Always impatient if others were late, always frustrated if things didn’t go according to “my plan.” Eve, you have enabled me to understand that “my plan” doesn’t exist. Life isn’t about being in control, for control itself is an illusion. So as you exited the world as I always knew you, my impatience and hostility went with you. Thank you Eve for enabling me to be easy on my day, and thank you for trusting in the world to provide for me.

I learned to be a true giver. I read in a recent school text that there are both genuine and false givers. The genuine giver is someone who extends themselves in a myriad of ways without any expectation of returned favors or any impression of status. A false giver is an individual who extends him or herself with the intention of it improving their identity in a relationship or community and always with the hope of receiving in one form or another. Before Eve, I would say that there were elements of a false giver in me. I can admit that I would give with the notion that it was improving my status or identity and that I hoped somewhere in the future the favor would be returned. Eve was the quintessential genuine giver. There was no intellectualization associated with giving; it was just in her nature to extend. Eve, you have made me into a true giver. I wasn’t able to see the difference in the two, but your foot tracks that you have left all over my life have shown me.

I learned to live. As I reflect, Eve has taught me to live. There are many other gifts that she has opened my eyes to, but I feel as though these are the hallmarks right now of my existence. She has taught me to not be anchored down by experience, and she has shown me the value of demanding depth out of my day. She has taught me to have genuine interest in the people and the world around me and because of her I don’t just go through the motions. Thank you for allowing me to soar Eve, I would never have been able to do it without you.

As I come to the closing of “my year,” I smile. I smile with remembrance and gratitude. I appreciate my life and feel truly humbled by the days I have been given on this earth. A new year is starting tomorrow and with that comes the opportunity for rebirth.