an hour of shame

AT this one moment in time, I feel like a monster. I don't feel like a human in a way. An issue that I have really made an attempt to patch up in my life has really made its way back into my world and is standing at the forefront of my attention. I thought for two years that I had reached a point in my life where I was not in need any longer of lying to get "where I needed to go." I thought that there would never be another opportunity in my life where I would have to question my actions, feel that same sense of guilt that encompassed my being for so long.

And here I am. I feel like I am standing again at the lowest level of the staircase after having climbed and climbed for so long, only to look around me and see that I had made no progress at all. That I may as well have only just begun. That is how I feel at at least. Now I know in the depth of my heart that I'm not there. I know that what has happened is that I have come to the top of a very important staircase, and I know that upon completion of that flight I came to the footing of another very important flight of steps. And that is where I stand. If I look at my immediate surroundings, of course it appears as though I am at the bottom. It looks like I haven't even begun my journey when in fact I have jumped through the biggest loophole.

This next loophole may not be as big, but it is surrounded by fire. And its ability to burn and sting is much greater, and I feel much more intimidated.

Today I lied to my mother. I used my cunning abilities to avoid paying for my Christmas gifts. I pulled out the same tricks in my bag to avoid a fear. I was deviant and looking behind my shoulder, with anxiety and superstition looming above me. I took her for granted, I took advantage of her generous bounty. I took the good names of my mother and father and used them for my own selfish reasons. And here I stand on the edge of the cliff, looking down on the layers that I continuously shed from my shell.

After a conversation and a complete surrender, I find myself right now having learned such an ultimate lesson. That no matter who we think we are, and no matter how far we think we've come, we are able to trip and fall. We are able to surrender to the forces of the world. We are able to hurt those people in our world who are closest to us. I would give my life for my mother, I would take a bullet for her, and yet I am still able to hurt her in such a profound way. These realities are shocking and above all else intensifying very familiar feelings of shame and guilt.

However, the lesson is learned. And this will never happen again. So while I feel broken and a bit like I must relearn how to fly, I find myself afraid to step outside of my house and live as the newest version of myself. With that fear though I will step, and with those steps I will not hang my head.