I have been struggling with this control issue for a little while, and I feel as though I've talked about it throughout some of my blogs. And there are two main areas in which my need for control is the most profound: exercise and money.
There it is. Something that I have been so afraid to admit to for so long, but there it is staring at me in the face. Well it is staring at me through cyber space. But never the less, here are two areas where I feel pressured. Pressured by structure that I place on myself, I make rules for myself...it is interesting how it has gotten to the point that it has without me having such an awareness of it.
Well it isn't so much that I didn't have an awareness of it, but it was more of I didn't have an awareness of how much it was impacting me. It was almost as if the water level had reached to my nose and I didn't even know the water was rising. Not really that exaggerated because I can still breathe :-) but interestingly enough, the metaphor fits.
But here I am now, and I am so deeply aware of how these habitual patterns of mine have gotten me to this point. And that is really where it is rooted. We are influenced by so many factors: parents, friends, society, institutions that all plant these seeds in our mind of what it means to live a structured life.
And since my life before these cycles started wasn't necessarily as structured other than the influence of my parents and the rules they placed on me, I was a little bit lost as to where I should start. And then it isn't a few years down the road that I realize my life is a big pattern.
A pattern of structure and pressure that I put on myself (mainly in just the two areas listed above). But in those two areas, it is pervasive enough that I want to change this behavior in all areas. I want my life to be structured of course, but I want there to be the opportunity to let my wings fly. For me to live. And really live.
The structure I feel is good and bad. It allows me to know my limitations and understand my boundaries, but then again I feel as though it places un necessary boundaries around me and my abilities. It places stress on my body and mind that isn't deserved. I long to feel a more vivid sense of freedom in these two areas. And I know that with awareness comes opportunity for change.
So I will be patient with the process, and know that with time my wings will span and I will soar.
1 comment:
it can be pretty difficult for me to not be a nazi about exercise sometimes. the fact is, i need to be doing something most of the time, climbing, yoga, abs...something. if i dont then i get super crabby and out of my body and i can't concentrate as well. on the flipside though, it can be like work, something you feel like you "should" do rather than something that you genuinely want to be doing in that moment. i dont know if this is what you're talking about but i havent really come up with a solution other than just accepting the phases i go through as best i can. hardcore climbing for months on end, followed by a month of total laziness and being way out of shape. it happens.
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