my confirmation #

Life it isn't the same as going to the check in gate at the airport, typing in your confirmation number and having that security of knowing that all details related to your flight are going to fall into place. I feel like that one moment when my boarding ticket gets printed, there are no more fears related to me having actually scheduled my trip for a different day, a different time, or a different city.

Relationships, both romantic and friendly are more complex and dynamic like that. It is interesting because romantically speaking, I don't find myself necessarily needing that validation that the other person is there for me. I have felt this sense of calm relating to romance that what will happen will happen, and that my desire to control and understand all facets is a waste of energy. But I think so much of that is due to the fact that I have never truly had my heart broken. I have been side swiped (read two blogs ago), many times...but I don't think those emotions really come close to the feelings of having your heart truly split down the middle. That disbelief that your heart all of a sudden doesn't seem like part of your body.

With friendships though things are different for me now. And they have been different since the beginning of this year. I have realized why as well. I know that because of my experiences, I have understood and lived what it feels like to have friends taken from me in one fell swoop without me having an opportunity to say goodbye or question why. I feel like with my friendships and lives lost, I have been completely victim to the unpredictability of life and its beneficial but also detrimental power.

I have met incredible women and men through school and around my life in Boulder. And every day I feel privileged to be in the company of individuals who enlighten and expand me, make me break down with laughter, make me feel connected, make me ask those unanswerable questions, and make me feel human. And I am scared that one day they will be taken from me too.

But I cannot live this way, my mom used to reverberate this phrase "don't live afraid, just live smart." So here we go: this is one of the brilliant turning point moments where I can take those valuable sprouts of wisdom and incorporate them into my behavior. So I will cherish my friendship but not be paranoid that I will lose them, not be eager for confirmation of their authenticity. I know that I have nothing to be insecure about, and so I don't need a confirmation number here.