My brother allowed me to see a habitual pattern of mine that not only did I have no awareness of, but found myself avoiding and turning my back on it for a few moments. I have been feeling a little bit of pressure monetarily related, my rent has been increased and I am finally feeling the effects of this economy. About time right? :)
Here is the objectivity around money for me: there are pressures on me yes, but I am so aware that most of that anxiety that I feel around it is due to a weight that I put on myself. I have this vision of my treasure chest, and the kind of money I want to have in it.
I have been influenced by family members and friends, who have either been callous with money or over protective and I have personally been effected by both extremes. And I didn't understand the power that money had over me until I detached further from the financial HEAVEN of my father.
Money is not the point of this entry, it is an example of an opportunity for this habitual tendency of mine to surface yet again: when things go wrong in my life, I have a tendency to blame myself. For whatever the reason, and I don't understand it.
If there are bumps in my friendships, problems in romance, problems with family, I initially think..."did I do something wrong?" "Why am I feeling this way, I shouldn't be feeling this way."
This kind of mental version of ping pong can be a very lonely existence. I can be inside my body, feel relaxed and reassured, but feel like I have nobody. I don't even recognize myself almost, I look in the mirror and then I see a stranger. But I gain clarity around it, I learn not to judge the pain or the experience, but more allow it to be genuine in its presence.
I immediately question my actions...always second guess my behaviors. And I am not too sure where it comes from, but now I have so much awareness around it. And I am learning to understand when and where it pops up. I will have more updates regarding this particular new unfolding, but for right now...I just want to sit and watch it. Be curious about it. Don't be afraid of it. Invite it. Let it come.
1 comment:
Hey Greer,
My tendency to self-blame is something with which I am also becoming more and more aware on a daily basis. There is a really cool book that I just returned to the public library called "Coming to our Senses" which, as far as I know, is in line with the focus of your studies and practice at Naropa. I can't remember who the author is, but the book is structured in a really clever way which enhances one's ability to assimilate its information. I found that reading the book really broadened my understanding of mindfulness meditation; the chapter on fostering a sense of lovingkindness in one's practice was particularly helpful.
Greer, I really enjoyed talking with you the other day. Sorry I had to take off prematurely; my little boy needed some daddy time. I love that we can talk about all of this stuff; it's awesome!
Take care of yourself, Geeb. All three of us are thinking of you and looking forward to seeing you sometime in (hopefully) the near future.
Love,
Chris
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