Spreading myself too thin yes is an ongoing theme in my life, and I know that I have both talked and blogged about it, but it is something that I struggle with. It is so interesting, because I was in class the other day, and a classmate of mine was expressing frustration over the same dilemma. He was talking about being a teacher, going to school, and being a husband and father, and how he was being encouraged by the people around him to let go of a few outside of school obligations, so that the academic environment and home life weren't so stressful.
He was expressing conflict because he didn't really want to do this. Well, it wasn't necessarily that he didn't want to, deep down I think that he really did, but was terrified of what it meant to let something go. In his mind it meant that he was going to have to tell somebody "no" and as far as he was concerned, that meant he wasn't as responsible as he could be, and wasn't being as accountable as he could be. And it is amazing, because I was listening to him speak, realizing that for the past year(+) I have struggled with this very thing.
I find myself thriving on being busy. I love having my time filled with things that I love doing which include both school and work, and also mean spending time with my boyfriend, friends, and most importantly - just myself. It isn't a balance that I think comes seamlessly, and I think it is dangerous for us as people to realize a place that we are in life, realize we want to change, and find ourselves so eager to be in a new place. When we carry on this mentality, we forget that to get somewhere, you must go through a process, and that in that process there must be a lot of self care. There must be a level of self awareness that will guide you easily along the road of transformation.
These negative tendencies and habits feel seemingly out of our control, and sometimes I find myself blaming these actions on "habits that are so deeply enmeshed that they are out of control" when really I always have a choice of how to act. That is a remarkable realization that I came to, in that with every point in my life, I have a choice of how I want to behave. Habitual or not, each action is a result of a conscious decision. And for that reason, the habits can be broken.
I feel very strongly though in the idea that we must take care of our own needs when struggling. We must understand that change can be painful, and that it is essential for us to recognize when we don't need to push so hard, or in fact when we need to push harder.
It all goes back to this illusion of control. I feel like the rigidity in the schedule, the impatience, the selfishness, the ignorance, etc are all manifestations of a need for control. And so breaking these habits is in a way surrendering to the feelings of being out of control for a period of time. And so it shouldn't be done as quickly as ripping off of a band-aid. Take it off, a little piece at a time, make sure that you are okay through the process.
No comments:
Post a Comment