24 has a whole new meaning.

Eve,

I truly can't believe it. I remember where I was and how I felt as I wrote you your last birthday card. I was devastated, crushed, confused, scared...Didn't know what to write until I just relaxed, listened to my sadness, started typing, and all of a sudden I was finished. I want to remember today only with elation as I have for years, but instead am left with an intertwining element of grief. It threads its way through the memories of childhood parties and young blossoming friendships, and I find that I can only maintain my smile for a moment.

I think of you constantly darling friend. You are so much a part of the memories that I have made and am still forming in my life. It is amazing how I feel you, your rich beauty and luscious presence are everywhere in my day. As I sit here with a heavy heart, I find myself grateful that I got 23 years with you and that for my entire life, you have illuminated me.

I have learned acceptance for the fact that I cannot celebrate with you today in person. I have understood that on your birthday now I set aside a portion of my day for just you and me. I venture off alone to the most beautiful places in Boulder so that I can remember and be with you all for myself. I will today find that spot in Boulder, and as my tradition goes, I will scream with joy and pain for you. I will scream for the gifts you have given me, and will scream for the absence of your glow.

Your spirit coarses through me. Just two weekends ago I was in the mountains for an all day workshop with horses and as I stood there in the midst of this beautiful valley with the trees tall and the flawless bluebird sky, it began to snow. I was shocked surprised, and do you want to know what first came to my mind? YOU. I felt you Eve, and I wept as the snow fell all around me. Like I said, your spirit is everywhere.

I dream of you most nights darling friend. I see you in your pajamas on top of a coffee table dancing and singing your heart out. I see you inviting me on an adventure where we will learn great things and build beautiful memories. I see your long beautiful blonde hair, and your oh so classic fashion sense. I see your arms opened wide so that I can have that famous Eve hug. I am thankful to my core that I never see you hurting or sad in my dreams, never see you longing or grieving. I only see you as I experienced you.

I need to tell you something. Since your death, I live fully. For me but because of you, I live fully. You did live each day as it was your last, you did give people the REAL you every moment. One thing I will always admire about you darling bird is your capacity for feeling and not being afraid. Your contentment for what you were experiencing (painful or painless) and your ability to express it used to attract me, and now they are me.

I don't just think that you are ok wherever you are. I feel you are ok. In every step that I take I know you are being provided for and supported. If I could do anything to have you back for one more second I would, but I will settle for the assurance that my bluebird is somewhere safe and flying free.

The happiest of birthdays to you my darling bird. I will think of you always, but especially hard on this day.

With oceans and oceans of love,

Greer