That didn't take long did it? This has been a strange few weeks, and perhaps that is why I have found myself unable to write. Mainly it has been a swarm of clouds that have all been hovering above me. Some silver lined, some with golf ball size hail. Overall, I have found myself feeling dominated from a myriad of points.
In a nutshell, I don't really feel like I've been myself. I let money get to me, and over the course of the past month or so, I have found that my job situation has been less than stable. Bouncing from work environment to work environment, I feel like there is a constant preoccupation with work. And I am hating it. I am over the economy, I feel suddenly like I am just a buoy that is cast out in the middle of the ocean with no anchor sometimes. And over the past few months getting laid off twice hasn't helped the cause. It has weighed on my happiness.
When I realize that it gets to me, I get down on myself. Asking internal questions such as "Why are you letting it get to you like this?" And repeating things over in my mind such as "You shouldn't let it get to you," "You are above this," "Stay in perspective." And while I think all of those mantras can be beneficial, when they are forced into my mind, I just find myself more upset and frustrated that this is even an issue. Aren't emotions weave an unbelievable web of mischief?
I want to be honest with this blog, because I have found over this period of time that it is a source of comfort for me. I can be myself here fully and disclose everything. I believe that it is important for each person to have their own container for authenticity, a place to share the truest inner sense of being. I can't wait to feel like myself again. And if the job is unstable and it bothers me, let it. There is something clearly that I'm afraid of, but when I understand fully that fear and realize that my life actually isn't in any kind of harm, it will soften, but I must know that patience is the way to progress.
And I can wait, knowing that each day provides lessons.
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