gaining ground

In true summer form, I am taking my time with the blogging this summer. I am learning a ton and really discovering new parts of myself each day (shocker), but when I sit down to blog I look out my window to see the flatirons behind me and a bluebird sky, and I am drawn to the out of doors. I knew all of you would understand.

I am finally standing up for what I need and want, and not what others need/want, and not allowing naivete from lack of experience allow people to walk over me. With one particular circumstance in particular, I have been trampled on, and in the midst of a pretty convincing poker face by the other person, have seen opportunities that I have not taken to do what I needed to do for me.

I have been scared of it, and allowing myself to be blinded by being treated like a queen, taken on amazing adventures, out to beautiful meals, and really not been able to see what my needs are because of this. Interestingly though, even when I did discover what was happening and was able to understand my behavior and really what I was doing, I was saddened and frustrated.

I was saddened because I couldn't believe that I could let a situation escalate so far, to bring me to a point where I have broken down. I was frustrated at my behavior. In my life I have been here before. I have had a tendency to not play close attention to exactly what my needs were/are. I have been a consistent giver, so keen on helping others, so in need of taking care of those around me but never fully with myself.

So here I am with this awareness but still progressing forward as though my needs aren't a consideration. What exactly am I afraid of? And I was able to tangibly bring it down to a few things, and realized that my needs so severely outweighed what I felt I was getting out of the situation.

Therefore, I choose to allow my needs to dominate and I stand my ground. It wasn't easy, I even hesitated in communicating this to the other person, which again was frustrating. But it isn't an easy process, and once again I realize that lessons learned don't come seamlessly and don't come without difficulty. So I approach this one, with softness on my edge and patience in myself. Standing your ground isn't always the easiest option, but it is the most important. Don't back down on who you are, it is important as are your needs.