fearing judgement

I had a really amazing conversation with this morning with a good friend of mine on the subject of judgment. My entire adult life I have coursed through my day with a sense of optimism, almost to a fault, of the people around me. I have been stepped on and manipulated and maintained a good natured sense of the perpetrators. I have absolutely been unable to let myself form judgments on others, no matter how I had been hurt or taken advantage of.

I realized this morning that so much of the reason I did this was because I was afraid of forming judgments. When I would be hurt by someone else, I would almost take it on myself and somehow create a wrong that I had made in the situation, and still keeping a positive image of my contemporary.

I would hate it when other people would make judgments of those around them and would conclude in my mind that those negative mind traps were dangerous and un-necessary in life. This morning, my view changed. I was finally able to see after such a long period of time that judgments sometimes are sources of strength and liberation. They have finally allowed me to acknowledge and understand that people's negative behavior toward me isn't something I am doing. It originates in a deep seeded insecurity that lies at the core of the soul.

Finally I have perspective here. And I am able to see two things: 1) I am not at fault when people's insecurities are expressed through negative behavior, and 2) having accurately formed judgments are an opportunity for me to indulge in self care. Now I am able to protect myself and am fully resisting the temptation to give into the fear of judgment and its meaning.

For so so long I have felt guilty when judgments arose and have avoided them as though they were toxic. I assumed that the presence of judgment represented the presence of a superficial soul. I always looked so deep to the good of EVERYONE that I missed the actual selfish natures that were around me.

It is a tough balance to strike however. Knowing when judgments are appropriate and when they are dangerous. It is good to know yourself well enough that they are only to be acted on when in thorough communication with the other person, and that the judgment isn't out of turn or due to misguided information. I have to find that balance in myself know. I must know when people are being true versus trying to play a role that isn't natural. I must keep my eyes open to my needs and be able to express them when necessary.

All in all though, judgments aren't to be feared, they are to be acknowledged and incorporated into nature of humans.