a damaged ego

Nursing school and the months afterward seemed like a string of events that consistently stepped on my self esteem. Self esteem too is such an interesting facet because even those people in this world who live selflessly and tireless servants to others and their community, have egos. They have a desire to look attractive to others, not just physically but through their actions. It can be a motivator and a hinderer.

For me, my ego played a central role in my life, when interesting enough I thought it only served a supporting role. But on retrospect I realized that the majority of my actions were to satisfy the needs of others and to look attractive to those around me. This was something that was probably pushed under the surface along with my dishonorable actions because my mind wasn't ready to acknowledge...well really anything. So it isn't really a huge surprise to me that I didn't see how powerful my inner ego was. Until nursing school.

I don't know I am giving the situation enough justice to say that my ego was tainted during the years of nursing school and the couple of months after. I think shattered would be a more appropriate adjective, seeing as though within such a short period of time I was able to finally come face to face with years of broken trusts and selfish tendencies. This may seem awkward to read, but for me I couldn't look in the mirror for a month. I was so ashamed. And lived through that process for the following three semesters. I thought that for sure that with the conclusion of nursing school, I would be able to distance myself from the associations that had damaged my impressions of myself. Life unfortunately doesn't always work in the ways we intended.

So the battle of trying to pass the nursing board brought me down further than I had felt in a long time. I felt as though my sense of empowerment, for really fighting my way through the pain and hurt for 2 years would really pay off when I saw those two letters behind my name (RN). But it hurt even more that I couldn't pass my board because I felt genuinely like my efforts were wasted. Until I soul searched.

I realized that if I hadn't fought through, persevered, and challenged myself daily, I wouldn't be where I am today. I feel that without the bruised ego, you can't really be humbled in a very important way. But the inability to pass my board allowed me to really feel the need to be introspective and understand what it was about nursing that I needed. And there, I found the art and beauty of counseling. My torn ego was a light into my next world, and in that world I find true wholeness.