1 year. Unbelievable. My darling bird died almost a year ago. It doesn't seem possible. Time hasn't even seemed relevant here. It doesn't feel like a year has passed, but it almost seems like 20 years have flown by. It is this strange feeling inside that time isn't a component of my process. There is nothing about Eve's death that involves a ticking clock.
Her anniversary is next week on the 5th of March. That is a day I am dreading. It is going to take me back to a nightmare that I have spent a year trying to embrace and cope with, yet progress and move forward through. I feel like as this day approaches, I am coming closer and closer to the fire that has burned my soul for many days.
I am afraid to go home. I am afraid to see Eve's precious brother Andrew. I am afraid to hold him in the tightest of embraces, telling him that she is immortal now. I am scared to suffer her loss and behave as though she isn't the vivacious and brilliant presence I know her to be.
I don't want to surround myself with sadness, I want remembrance, fondness, respect, humbleness, appreciation and acceptance to become March 5th. Because right now for me, March 5th is full of fear, sadness, shock, screams, tears, and disbelief.
I had made it a point in my mind not to go home for the occasion. It is too much for my heart to bear. I am having a difficult time understanding the need to convene on a day that I don't want to remember. I want it to go from March 4th to March 6th with no concern for what was missed. I had closure in my mind that I deserve to grieve in the ways best suited for myself.
But then a phone call from my precious mother, saying that she needed me there changed my mind and heart. She told me that for her sake, I should come home. And she need not say more. I bought the ticket. For I realized that it isn't going to just give my mom peace of mind that I'm there, my presence will mean worlds to all those in attendance.
Therefore, on March 5th...I will be home remembering my darling blue bird.
1 comment:
Hey Geeb,
I just wanted to let you know that we'll be thinking of you in the weeks ahead; while I cannot relate to the quality of pain you have experienced as a result of Eve's passing, I can imagine how difficult revisiting the loss of your friend will be. If you need (or want) to talk with your brother, I am here to listen.
Take care of yourself,
Chris
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