crippling criticism

As I entered my interview at Naropa University, I found myself nervous/excited, but so eager to come face to face with my potential future. After navigating my way through the main lobby where the human size sand zen garden was, I found a seat next to a statue of buddha. We chatted for a moment, discussed wordly things, and he was very patient and sat with me with a permanent jubilant smile on his face.

This young man called my name after emerging from one of the five offices surrounding the lobby, called my name, "Madeline Van Dyck..." of course and asked me to come follow him. With trepidation, I obliged. I had a certain expectation of how the interview was going to go, and was appropriately nervous. But these two interviewers were so welcoming and made it very clear how excited they were that I had decided to apply. After many of the standard questions I was anticipating having to answer, they gave me a surprise. They asked me, "How do you feel about being criticized and how do you feel about criticizing others?"

The answer came almost immediately to me. I knew in my heart how I felt on the matter and spoke as genuinely as I could. For me, being criticized is an interesting exercise. Because of my past, desperate to try and "make right the wrong I did," I have tried to live this relatively seamless life. Not saying though that I have a problem with my own mistakes but I try to make them as infrequent as possible...along with everyone on this planet. There is no element of my brain that thinks of any human as perfect, but I know that everyone strives to be as subtle with negative virtues as possible.

So I immediately said. "Well when I am criticized, I immediately suffocate. It becomes physical. But after a short period of time, a minute or two, I immediately release much of my own internal tension. Then I begin to regain my feeling and search the person who made the comment for clarity. This isn't to say that I get defensive, because I am not trying to revoke what has been said, I am just trying to understand it. I find myself discontent until I find my own inner resolution with it."

I feel as though some people can become whole heartedly consumed with words of others. I know I used to be. If someone would say something negative in my direction regarding my behavior, I would resent them. If a person is criticized, they can immediately internalize it, take it to be true, even if the comment is unprovoked, unnecessary, or untrue. And then that person is forever (or temporarily) changed and they have found themselves having dedicated copious energy to a manifested insecurity of someone else.

For the second part of the question, I responded with "I am a confrontational person. If there is instability in my relationships, it is brought to the surface. I have too much awareness of my own state of mind, that if I have things that need saying, I will say them." The woman immediately asked me why I feel the need to say them. And I responded with "well, I can't sleep otherwise. I need to know that all is well in my circle." Make sure all is well in your circle. Go to sleep at night knowing that you have been exactly who you are and said your peace. It is critical for peace of mind and self growth.

Therefore today's lesson is as follows: when you are receiving criticism, don't be immediately defensive. Search for clarity in the statement, search for the truth. Don't immediately assume that the statement is intended to be hurtful. Assume that the person making the comment is there to be your support, help facilitate your growth, make you better. As far as criticizing others is concerned, handle it as though you yourself would want to be handled. We all deserve in this life to be there for one another, lend a hand, provide adequate reliability and accountability.