working my way through the ice

Everyone has certain aspects of their personality that really only family members and close friends have the opportunity to see but the general public will have no real awareness of. If anyone who is reading this is thinking that they don't have them, you do. I promise. And I was thinking as to why we allow ourselves to wear these different hats in front of our friends and family, but are adamant about showing off the best versions of ourselves to others. It's so obvious: they are obligated to be our backbone, our support, so we feel as though we have a little more cushion to be selfish, controlling, unreasonably demanding.

For me, I have struggled with the concept of control. And it started when I was in high school. There are many ways that control, or better yet the desire for control can be expressed. Exercise, diet, friendships, romance, work, home life, etc...For me, if it gets enough to that point, it can seep into all of these arenas, and really make you subject to its bounty. In my life, high school marked the beginning of a need for control. It was as plain and simple as this: I woke up one morning, decided that I was overweight, and was determined to do something about it. And I did. I did it to the point where my body suffered, my heart became heavy, my emotional stamina dwindled, and I slipped into a dark room with no idea of where the light switch was. Before I knew it, I had lost control when all I wanted to do was gain more. After recovering from my episode, life resumed. Years later I was unaware of how significant that stream of events really was, and how symbolic it was of my need to have a tight grip on my life.

This is something that really only my family knows about, but I have a tendency to get in "a mood." It doesn't happen that frequently, but it happens often enough where at the moment, I will be in a mood, have a conversation with my mom, communicate shortness with her, feel badly, hang up, and immediately call back to apologize. Same drill every time. It is inevitable that she will expect a call from me to apologize. Because I see what it is, and I see how hurtful it is.

Sometimes still I find myself being very rigid about my schedule. Ever since I got Luna, cutest pup in the world (even though I'm a bit biased), my rigidity with my daily routine has softened miraculously. In the beginning days of having her, I sometimes got frustrated having to take her out continuously and planning my days around her. From within, I finally got that my frustration was absolutely irrational, and my one track mind found new paths. So I meshed with her. I allowed myself to fully cater to her needs, understanding that I am her provider and nurturer. Cool lesson for me. Pretty unexpected.

I feel like there are going to be events in our lives that change us. Life isn't supposed to be this planned course of expectation where we have a determined plan and just have to live it out. It is meant to be this boundless journey where we are daily evolving. Constantly learning more about who we are and what we are to become, what our place here is supposed to be.

Lesson for today: tap into those elements of your personality that you find yourself only allowing your family and close friends to see because I guess to a certain extent you aren't proud of them. See them and understand what they are and why they are there. Work on making yourself consistent with all audiences. Maybe get a dog. It did wonders for me. Know that a day off from exercise...is okay. Know that the ice can be broken, it just takes the simple exercise of chipping it away. And maybe a little sun bathing. That will help too.