crumbling expectations

I was having a conversation with a dear friend of mine in Boulder today and she was coming to me with a little bit of insight into how we find it so hard to say exactly what it is that we are feeling and internalizing. I immediately asked her why it is that we are so incapable sometimes of expressing our truest emotions even to those who are closest to us. She mentioned that much of the reason is that humans in large measure proceed through life very cautiously because we are so afraid of messing up. We are afraid of the mistakes, afraid of the imperfection.

I know I wrote about this the other day, but it even seeps into the notion of going out of the realm of doing what our parents and society want us to do or what they want us to become. So many people are afraid to diverge from that predetermined path because they don't want to "mess up." We have certain expectations for the relationship that we have with our peers and community and a certain ideal of where we hold our own place. Sometimes things aren't what they seem. People aren't whom you expected them to be. And crumbling expectations are a harsh reality of life.

Someone else mentioned that saying exactly what you are feeling sometimes makes flaws in someone's logic or personality surface. That is an incredibly tough thing to be comfortable with. That is what this blog sometimes does for me, I say exactly what it is that I'm feeling, let go of the fear of being flawed, and let expression take over.

For example, it took me 6 months after finishing nursing school to admit to myself and others that for so long I was lonely. One main reason came to mind as to why it took me so long to admit these things to myself: I had never been lonely before, "Greer has no reason to ever be lonely" and I had burned those into my brain and allowed my pride to over ride my heart. One day, I said the words out loud to my mother, and to my surprise, it didn't phase her. And that is the lesson learned: say exactly what you are feeling. All it does is make you human.