dying a thousand deaths

There are many versions to each person. Within an individual, there are thousands and thousands of identities, and sub-identities. There are elements within us that we are excited to share with others, elements that we would dread to be revealed. But at the heart, we are many things.

In our Social and Cultural Foundations class at Naropa, we participated in a moving exercise which was an opportunity for our teacher to experience being an oppressor, a member of an oppressed group, and a witness all in one session.

I primarily paid the part about the witness, but could feel emotional turmoil within the perpetrators and the oppressed. I know that as this particular situation went on, half of the class didn't realize that it was a teaching opportunity. A lot of the people thought that it was real and therefore heightened emotions in everybody. The teacher played the part of the oppressor, and she used her authoritative role to communicate genuine disregard and arrogance. And the oppressed group communicated both sadness and anger.

But what was interesting was that as a witness, I found myself silent. I realized how the teacher was being unfair, and I realized the disadvantage she was putting on the oppressed group. I saw that she was using her power of authority to her credit and was aggressively handling her victims. And there I was. Sitting in a seat behind where she was standing, silent. It made me realize the power of silence.

I decided not to intervene because I wasn't directly being effected by the negativity. It wasn't me who was suffering and therefore I became an innocent bystander. But didn't I blog on that a month or two ago, about the diffusion of responsibility? How can I possibly be so upset that nobody intervened in that past situation, and be able to be silent in this one? The line isn't clearly drawn. And I do know that the situations are different. But in a sense, doesn't silence communicate compliance?

So where do I stand then...where am I willing to stand up for what is right and just, and when am I willing to let the moment pass me by and let people be disadvantaged and discriminated? After the exercise was over, I became very aware. Aware of my actions and how my silence was so powerful. How by not saying anything, I was condoning this behavior.

Behavior to me that in the past has filled me with such anger and frustration. It is difficult for me to know that so many years passed with incalculable discriminatory suffering. And it is even still such a problem. So I have learned the power of silence here. I have realized that in the midst of oppression, I can't be silent.

This is just one of the deaths that I want to die. I want to section off that part of my persona who is willing to be compliant when I know wrong is being done. I want to be actively promoting justice in my surrounding. I don't want to be seen as a silent bystander.