vulnerability

Not that I haven't always, but even more so than previously, I appreciate vulnerability. Or more specifically, I appreciate those who are so willing to make themselves vulnerable. I have seen this so much in my classes at Naropa, where exercises are formulated so that each student has an opportunity to dive deep into their own sea of personal issues and struggles.

With these particular exercises in class, students are guaranteed to feel uncomfortable. They are guaranteed to have their emotions surge up within them and bubble until the strength can no longer withstand it any longer, and tears cascade down cheeks. It is truly a beautiful thing to see my fellow classmates really have no reservations when it comes to being exactly who they are.

For so long, I feel as though I have lived in a world where people for the most part give off the best versions of themselves in public. But nobody has a clue what the cognitive and emotional processes are that start to turn the moment someone is alone. It is amazing, and even for me I have noticed in the past that who I was in public and who I was in private were two different people. And I don't mean this in every aspect of my being, but for the most part, I was able to give the best version of myself when I was in the company of others.

Don't misunderstand, it isn't as though when I was alone I was a wreck because honestly I wasn't, but there were definitely things that I was unable to express in front of others. Sadness over petty circumstances, insecurities about men, fear of the unknown, etc. But now, I feel as though the tides have turned.

Now I feel as though I am comfortable being just who I am at all times. That includes someone who is happy, subservient, gregarious, self conscious, hungry for knowledge, a nerd, a knitter, prideful, a perfectionist...the list goes on and on. But what I do know I am is real. I know that at the end of the day, I am scanning for deeper understanding, I am desperate for true relationships and I am determined to fill my day with love and genuineness.

So I say thank you to my classmates, for teaching me the importance of vulnerability. I thank those around me for encouraging me to be real at all times. No sugar coating, no fake smiles, just me.